So recently my mother had her pacemaker battery replaced.  You know that back in the day?  They couldn't do that?  How fucked is that?  You get 10 years and just like that, your life would be over.  That's so horrible.  AND what's more horrible is that they could have just made them with replaceable batteries, but no, they had to invent the kind without it first, so if you were born at the wrong time?  You were just fucked.  The same thing with my husband's uncle.  Now?  Getting HIV isn't as big of a deal as it used to be.  But my husband's uncle died from AIDS-related leukemia not that long ago, and had he been born at a different time, well he probably wouldn't have gotten HIV to begin with, but if he had, he'd had never gotten leukemia and he'd still be alive.  

Anyways, my mother had her procedure and everything went great.  After she came home, she kept bugging me about the fact that I didn't go with.  She eventually just straight up asked me "Why didn't you come?"  I said I was busy, I had something else I had to do.  I wasn't lying, I did have something to do.  I was planning on going with, but something else came up and I couldn't.  Which I was annoyed about, but I never once told my mother I was planning on going with.  Anyways, she replied "Well, you should have just told them you had to be there for your mommy."  I turned around and rolled my eyes as hard as I could.  I hate when she acts like she has any sort of priority in my life just because she's my legal mother.  Granted, she doesn't mean it legally, but that's all I see her as.  Well, that and a person who I take care of.  I care about her well-being, but as a mother figure?  That, she is not.  

Now, I could say that she may have wanted me there because she was scared.  Which could be true.  That somehow my presence gives her comfort.  But more so, I think she wanted me there because I am supposed to be there.  Because I am her daughter and that's my job.  She used to act the same way back when my husband started taking her to her appointments.  "Well, don't you want to be there for your mother?" she'd ask me.  Again, as though her being my legal mother (is there any legality anymore over the age of 18?) counted for anything.  Back then, I stopped going for mental health reasons.  She was still abusing me at the time and she wouldn't abuse my husband, so it was the best thing for me.  My husband didn't mind and he didn't mind taking her alone this time, either.  But she was annoyed for a long time, because her medical was my "job" as her daughter.  

Another thing was she was explaining how procedures went to me, as though I hadn't already had several of them.  She kept telling me things that didn't make any sense and I kept correcting her.  And she kept acting like she was right, because SHE just had the medical procedure, so what would I know?  She kept saying how they had to strap her down because numbing her chest hurt so badly that she was trying to grab the needles from the doctors.  I said "Once after that first needle goes in, it really doesn't hurt."  She looked at me as though I had no idea what I was talking about.  But she had no idea that I had a breast biopsy last year (SIDENOTE: I just watched that stupid "5 Star Weekend" tv show and Cloe Svegny's character just had a biopsy the day before she showed up to her girls' weekend and she wasn't in any pain....bahahahaha the writers were obviously men or people who have never had one LOL).  And I certainly wasn't going to tell her I had had that done, so I couldn't argue with her.  That's my mom for ya though.  Being an idiot who can't stop interfering with doctors doing their job.  She did the same shit during her cataract surgery.  "Hold your head still."  *moves head continuously*   I swear her inability to do as she's told is exactly what causes her to act like this.  Like she has narcissistic autistic PDA: where you don't just not do what you're told, you do the exact opposite to prove you don't have to do what you're told and that you're the boss.  Who the fuck grabs the doctor's needles when getting numbed??????  What a fucking psycho.  

Back to the idea that she was annoyed I didn't come with.  Why does she think I need to be there for her when she's never once been there for me?  Even if she was scared and needed me, I know that sucks, but I have never once been able to rely on my mother when I've been scared.  Ever.  

Back when I was at my lowest and was going through the worst anxiety I've ever been through in my life?  My mother was supposed to be there for me.  She was supposed to know how hard it was for me, being on my own every single day.  She was supposed to care about that.  But what did she do?  She was angry with me.  She was angry that I was cutting into her time with her new husband.  I have horrible agoraphobia and my ex-husband had recently just brought me to court to make my kids go to school, after I'd been homeschooling them for years (and they were doing quite well).  So instead of letting the state tell me I couldn't homeschool, I just enrolled them.  The school was only a block away, which was great.  But it was abrupt and I wasn't prepared to be alone all day long.  And I sunk into a deep depression due to my severely out of control anxiety.  I started developing suicidal ideation and thought that not being here would be better than feeling like this every single day. 

And instead of caring about that or even noticing how bad I was (it was evident that there was something very wrong with me) she would pick me up to take me over to my uncle (I worked for him at the time) and she was berate me to her husband, screaming about how she had to go pick me up every single day.  And he would join in, too.  Picking one me for getting a single piece of bread and putting peanut butter on it every day. "Don't you have food at home????"  he'd yell at me.  I would just sit there and try not to cry.  I was dying inside and everyone around me just wanted me to go away.  And I wanted to fulfill that request.  Had I taken my own life back then?  My mother would have blamed something else.  She wouldn't have felt bad at all for how she treated me while I was struggling.  Because I am not a real person to her.  I never have been.  I am an extension of whatever she's feeling at the moment.  I am just an extension of her.  My son treats me the same way, but he at least does at some point understand I am an actual human being.  Whereas my mother never has and never will.  

That's not why I didn't go to her procedure.  I didn't go because my son's issue was more important.  And he needed me.  And, unlike my mother, he actually loves me.  And unlike her, I will always put my child first, especially over someone who treats me like dirt.  

Sure, she doesn't really abuse me anymore.  Not outwardly.  But only because it doesn't benefit her to do so.  If it did?  She would have never stopped.  If she thought I would have to take care of her forever?  She would use that to her advantage and abuse me forever.  But she knows I will put her in a home the moment I am able to.  And she doesn't want to do that.  So, she's docile towards me most of the time.  Lucky me.  I get fake niceness.  But I will take that any day over her abuse.  

But that's why I don't feel any allegiance to her when she "needs" me.  When she actually needs me, I am there for her.  But when it's just an emotional need, I will be there when I can.  And if I can't, well, she'll just have to deal with it.  It's not a priority to me in those cases.  I was never once a priority to her.  And I should have been.  That's the thing.  She's NOT just some person living in my house.  She's my mother.  And that should mean something.  But to her, the only thing that means is that I am in debt to her.  For what?  I don't know, but she thinks I am.  And that's all I am to her: someone indebted to her.  That's it.  

So, she can have a thousand procedures, and unless they're life and death?  I may or may not be there, depending on my calendar.  I cannot give priority to anyone who will never prioritize me. 

He was around my age.  I was transferred to his store for the day, because they were down a person.  That's what happens when you work part-time at Aldi.  They "float" you up to 30 miles away, and work you up to 38 hours so they don't have to give you insurance and still say you're part-time.  So that day, I was transferred to Tony's store.

Now I don't remember his real name, otherwise I would use it, but I only met this guy once.  But wow, he was so nice to me.  He welcomed me to his store and allowed me smoking breaks apart from my normal breaks (ew, I know, but I haven't smoked in 23 years).  He did everything he could to make me comfy and happy and gave me special privileges.  And?  He was cute.  That was a nice side effect, to have a cute guy be super nice to me.  At that age, I was used to having a husband who was mean to me, so it made me feel like I was a real human having someone be nice to me for once.  Today?  I would immediately suspect him of being a narcissist and I wouldn't have been so nice back to him.  I would have taking his constant asking me how I was doing and been a little standoffish with him.  Let him say "I was just trying to be nice."  And I would say "Yeah, I appreciate that, but if I need anything, I will ask you myself.  You don't need to check on me."  But back then, I wasn't so adept at fishing out narcissistic behavior (I didn't even know what that meant).  

Nice guy narcissists are filled with smiles and good will and cheer and laughter.  They are always anticipating your every need and are usually up your ass with their niceness.  They have that NGN smile, you know the one, it's too big, all teeth, and whenever they look at you it's plastered across their face, even if seconds before they were frowning.  It's like they don't know how to be a real human, so they mimic one and think by smiling all the time it will fool you into thinking they're nice.  But we need to remember: most mammals show their aggression by baring their teeth at you.  Humans are the only ones who think "teeth = friendly".  And narcissists aren't like real humans, so them showing their teeth is not friendly.  Remember that.  People who smile WAY too much?  Are not normal.  

The thing is, if I met Tony today, he wouldn't be fawning all over me the way he was back then.  Back then, I was in my early 20's, hot to trot, and cute as a button.  Today? I am middle aged, with a shaved head and look like I could beat you up.  Not that I would, but people think that of me now....I don't know why?  But people are scared of me....maybe it's because I don't smile as much amore? haha  I don't know.  But Tony thought I was a hot little number, and thought he could take advantage of his job as a boss (he wasn't much older than me) to get me to sleep with him.  Too bad, so sad, Tony.  Because the minute he found out my HUSBAND was waiting for me outside with my toddler son?  That smile turned into a scowl and he hated me.  And he forced me to do extra work to punish me for not being sexually available to him.  

We think today that the men of this world are fucked (and rightly so) but the world thinks it's how they were raised....hahahaha  BUT WE, the people on this page, know better, because we fully understand what's going on here.  NPD is the base operating system for humanity and most humans have it.  So....that's why the men of this world are fucked.  So the "nice guy" bullshit is 100% narcissism-based.  It's not how they were raised.  It's not something we can fix.  This is the way of the world.  And we just have to accept it, learn to recognize it, and know how to build boundaries against it.  That's all we can do.  

Start by recognizing the NGN's or other "nice guys" in your life.  And don't fall for their acts.  Protect yourself and your peace.  That's all you can do.  

Let's back up for a moment before we unpack that one.  I have a new therapist and she's amazing!  She's literally helping me deal with these issues but in a new way, a way no therapist EVER has before.  She concentrates one ME and how I deal with these issues.  Her eye-opening thing she said to me was "What if he never changes?  How will YOUR life look then?"  So, she's helping me build boundaries and push my son to take care of himself, instead of letting him dictate my life to me (which he does).  

His new therapist thinks he has PTSD from trauma.  She's not keen on diagnosing him with borderline yet, which sucks, because he definitely has it and was diagnosed before from his last therapist.  There are things I get that he does have trauma from, but nothing that would make him this way.  She doesn't get it.  My son is terribly abusive to me (and my husband and my youngest son, though to a lesser extent), even when he's not dysregulated.  And he can become dysregulated at the drop of a hat.  Whether it's PTSD or BPD, why does it matter if the symptoms are the same?  Can she not treat him for these symptoms either way with DBT?  That's why he's there in the first place.  But no, she wants to work on his trauma only.  Which will not help the situation we're in.  

She doesn't get it....my son will be moving to a new home within a year or less if he can't get the help he needs because there is NO way he can stay with his if his behavior doesn't get better.  

And now my son has stopped seeing her, because she 100% wants to treat him for PTSD and not BPD.  And now she wants to talk to me about him stopping seeing her and I do not want to talk to her and I will calmly explain to her if I run into her that I am not comfortable talking to her without my son there as she's not my therapist.  I only wanted to talk to her when were all together, not explain to her why my son stopped seeing her, as that's HIS job, not mine.  He's 28, not 8.  And if he doesn't want to explain to her about this, then I cannot make him and she doesn't need to have a conversation with anyone about it.  And she called me twice to talk to me, which annoys me, because I don't want to talk to her.  

Here's another weird thing: she eats all the time, like constantly.  During sessions.  She claims she gets low blood sugar and that's why, but I get low blood sugar and eating French fries and the such is NOT how you keep your blood sugar up.  That's just disruptive and weird.  

Also, I have this ability to read someone immediately, if they're shitty.  Usually I am not wrong.  Though I am sometimes wrong about nice people, but shitty people are usually pretty easy to spot.  Not always, but never have I ever met someone I thought was shitty to begin with turn out to be nice.  Not a single time.  And this therapist, I could feel she was shitty right off the bat.  

In order to be diagnosed with PTSD you need something to meet criterion A.  And my son doesn't meet any single part of that.  CPTSD is different, but my son also doesn't meet the criteria for that, either.  He's had trauma, yes, but it wasn't prolonged and his behavior started LONG before he experienced any trauma.  Why don't they do ACE scores instead?  I guess that they can't bill insurance for that.  But I find it fucked up to bill insurance for something your patient doesn't have, just to fit a narrative that you've already built in your mind.  And to refuse to listen to your client. 

Client: "I have BPD symptoms and my last therapist diagnosed me with BPD."

You: "Well, the symptoms of PTSD can mimic BPD.  So let's go with PTSD and treat your trauma first and then if the symptoms don't go away, we can think about BPD."  

Client: "What trauma?  I mean, I have a little trauma, but not enough to fit a PTSD diagnosis.  I fit way more into a BPD diagnosis." 

You: "Well, let's just go with PTSD." 

Client: "I also have anxious depression."

You: "I just put all of that into PTSD."  

Client: "I also have anxiety disorders, which comes from my ASD." 

You: "That all falls under PTSD." 

Client: *thinks* No it doesn't, it falls under ASD.  Which I have. *starts to wonder if she'll ever listen*

I hate when a therapist BARELY knows you and already has you all worked out in their minds.  I once had a therapist tell me the first day she met me "I can tell you're a perfectionist".  I laughed in her face and said "If you knew you me, you wouldn't say that.  My son is a perfectionist, I am the exact opposite of that."  She replied "Oh, I can tell you're one."  I stopped smiling and asked "Can you though?"  I didn't go back.  Not because she told me something I didn't want to hear, because who on earth is a perfectionist and doesn't know they're one already?  It's not a shameful thing to admit.  I didn't go back because she thought she had me all figured out already and would operate from this idea that I am a "perfectionist" and let that shade everything she thought about me, and that would affect the way she gave me therapy.  No part of me is a perfectionist...I am soooooooooooooooooooo type B that I call myself a "type C" which means chaos LMAO  I am a half-asser and someone who's life motto is "good enough is good enough for me!"  I do have OCD though.  

The issue is: my son was diagnosed with borderline and went to their office (the same office as my therapist) to get help with his borderline, and then she tried to tell him he had PTSD instead.  Why?  If that happened to me I would be so pissed.  I have GAD, panic disorder, social anxiety, CPTSD (due to childhood abuse), OCD, and agoraphobia.  I KNOW these things about me and if a therapist came along and said "No, you just have PTSD".  Well, I do have CPTSD.  I've had PTSD about certain things, yes.  And I still do about certain things, sure.  But my generalized anxiety disorder and OCD have nothing to do with do with those traumas.  If they do, they still are GAD and OCD on their own, as I may have developed them from trauma itself, but that doesn't mean I only have PTSD.  See how that works?  I can have trauma and develop things from that trauma, but that doesn't mean I have PTSD every time I have anxiety LOL  I KNOW what PTSD anxiety feels like, and they are in certain situations that trigger my PTSD.  That's the whole idea of what PTSD is.  You can't just lump everything into PTSD, that's not how that works.  

This girl is infuriating.  She's younger than my son and has this attitude of being a know-it-all  (that was my first impression of her).  My therapist is not a know-it-all, she's kind and nice, but also smart AF and challenges me when she needs to (I don't always like it, as I don't always feel she's right, but eventually I'll feel safe enough with her to bring those things up).  So it's not like I am going around thinking all therapists are know-it-alls LOL  She hadn't even brought up the whole PTSD thing yet when I met her, so I didn't even go into the situation having an opinion about her at all.  

So, now we're on the search for a local place that takes medical card that treats borderline (so many don't!  Which irks me, since it's a very common thing to have....).  

I just feel like in this country you have to fight to have your mental help taken care of.  And if you're really mentally ill and need real help, there are VERY limited resources for you out there.  And I don't mean there's few therapists, no, I mean there's few good ones.  

I am in talks with someone to get my son help, so I hope this one works out and actually helps him.  

Well...uh...I am not sure what to write here.  My life with my mother, while still I am extremely careful to protect my boundaries to keep the dynamic the way it's supposed to be between us, is pretty much docile and boring anymore.  She's not combative.  She's not doing much other than throwing away our shower items without asking.  And that's pretty much it, for now.  I hope it stays that way (and I hope she stops throwing away our things).  

But now I have a worsening issue.  If you've read my posts, you'd know that my son was diagnosed with BPD semi-recently.  And things aren't...great.

They are so bad, in fact, that we're looking into finding him a group care home for him to move into.  My therapist used to work at one and she suggested it to me and I am going to call them soon.  Last week, I thought my son was going to hit me and if he had, I would have called 911 on him and pressed charges.  If you knew me, you'd know that I didn't come to that choice lightly, as I am not the type of mother who would willingly want my child to be arrested.  BUT...I made that mistake with my mother.  And she only quit doing physical things to me because I threatened arrest on her.  But my son?  He's not like her.  He's dysregulated and would not stop even under threat of arrest.  Which actually scares me.  

My therapist made a good point: he can't get better in your home, and you can heal with him there.  The only way you two can build a relationship where you can trust him and enjoy him as your son, is if he doesn't live there.  

I am the type of mom who's willing to let my kids live with me forever.  But, things have changed.  His abuse of me is so bad that I can finally call it abuse.  Before?  It was just him being dysregulated.  But my nervous system is shot and my mental health is getting worse and my self-esteem has taken a nos-dive.  And it's all from him.  My mom finally got better and gave me so me peace, only to have him fill that vacuum with his own chaos.  Well, he's always been chaos.  Even since childhood.  He's been abusive since around age 13.  But he's not a narcissist.  His father has both NPD and BPD, but my not my son.  I KNOW what a narcissist looks like.  And even though when he's at his worst, he acts like one, the rest of the time he's a good person.  Though his dysregulation and depression is causing him to have delusions and his "good times" are far and few between anymore.  I personally think it's his Adderall causing a lot of it, but he won't listen to me.  So, that means he'll have to move.  

Not soon, unfortunately.  I wish it could be soon.  I feel like I am living every single day in severe fight or flight and I keep getting these internal tremors because of it (and that's a horrible feeling).  Last week he almost hit me and then three days later he supported his behavior instead of apologize.  I can't do this anymore.  He wanted to hit me because he was under a delusion that I had lost his pants...mind you, he has LOTS of pants he can wear, but these specific pants, he couldn't find so it was all my fault.  I calmly told him I didn't lose them and he just kept escalating and calling me names and pushing it farther and farther until he starting hitting himself in the face SO HARD I thought he was going to damage his face.  I freaked out and he came after me saying he was going to hit me and came so close to me and I braced for it.  He didn't hit me, but he made me feel like he was going to.  Today, completely oblivious to how this sounded, he said about a criminal that was just arrested "It doesn't matter if he intended on hurting anyone, just threatening to do it should be enough to have charges pressed on you for it."  Even though a few days prior he kept on saying that  I was being stupid because he was never going to hit me.  

My mother does the same thing.  Says things she disagrees with that apply to her yet she's totally oblivious to the fact she's being a hypocrite.

I just wanted to giggle at him.  But I know that would set him off so I said nothing and held in my feelings.  Which isn't healthy.  

Sigh.  

He's applied for SSDI and we're waiting on a court date.  I hope it comes soon so we can get things moving forward.  He cannot go into the group home until he has his SSDI.  And sometimes that can take years.  I really hope it's fast in his case.  And that he's approved.  He's never been able to hold down a job (which is fine...he's tried very hard to do so) and I don't think he'll ever be able to.  He thinks, for some reason, that one day he'd love to be a therapist...and he'd somehow be good at it.  He can't even see that he's controlling and becomes violent when you tell him no or when you stand up to his bullying behavior, how would be able to help others?  I know, it's a delusion and I know everything he dreams up isn't reality.  I just wish he was kind.  I don't even need him to be normal...hell, I am not normal.  Just kind.  He could go sooooo far in life with his kindness.  But having his issues where he can't work PLUS his violence?  I fear where his future will take him.  I want him to get off Adderall so we can see if that helps his anger.  But even if it does, he's still controlling and can't listen to "no".  And I would still like him to move into the home.  

Because take yesterday, for example.  Everything was fine.  We (my two sons and I) were joking around and laughing and then out of nowhere, I "wasn't understanding" what my kids were referring to.  In my eyes, that didn't matter, as what I was talking about was important and applied to the situation, and even if it wasn't exactly what they were talking about, it still mattered.  BUT my oldest starting getting pissed and annoyed with me and started raising his voice and in his special way, insulting me.  Just out of the blue, no reason at all, annoyed for really no reason.  It's like he goes from 0-60 in .02 seconds.  It's like getting slapped in the face.  There are times I can let him be a jerk and I just shut up.  And then there are times, like yesterday, in which I am still seething in anger from the week before under the surface (even though he apologized...though that's not enough anymore) where I calmly let him know that his reaction DOES NOT fit the situation.  I did at one point say "Considering what happened last week, I'd like to think you'd be super careful about how you talk to me and still be apologetic and watch how you act."  I can't remember my exact wording, but that was the gist of what I meant.  His reply?  "I'd like to think after what happened last week YOU'D be more careful."  I scrunched up my face in confusion and said "Well, that doesn't make any sense, I didn't do anything wrong."  I then removed myself from the situation, as I always do anymore, lock myself in a bathroom and wait until he leaves.  

That's what I mean.  My son has ZERO actual remorse for his behavior and ZERO accountability when he does bad things to me.  He feels horrible guilt when he does things to his brother.  But see, his brother holds him accountable AND he gets more angry at him and doesn't take his shit the way I do.  It makes me feel that my oldest doesn't see me as a human being.  I am an extension of him.  He can do whatever he likes to me and always has, and nothing matters.  He doesn't care that he's eroding away my self-esteem.  He doesn't care that he gives me CPTSD.  He doesn't care that he bullies and abuses me.  He doesn't care about any of it.  He can wear me down like a piece of sandpaper and still expect me to do his bidding.  And if I don't?  There will be hell to pay.  

So, like with my mother, where I implemented the GOTH Initiative (grandma of the house), I am implementing The PSS Initiative with my son.  Which stands for "Project Self Sufficiency".  My son can't do anything for himself (he's 28).  He used to, but since his major depression a year ago (where he abused me so badly I was going to have to remove him from our home....it was horrible and he treated me lower than garbage and still won't take responsibility for that) he's completely stopped.  And little by little, I've allowed WAY too much to go on, coddling the shit out of him.  

I am starting small, but even the small things are usually a big blowout with him.  But so far, so good.  A few things I've done: 

• Changed the passcodes on my phone and computer (he uses my things as though they're his and has a right to look through whatever he wants...when he's normal, it's just to look something up, but when he's dysregulated, he checks my phone calls and text messages to my husband, etc.)
• Locked my bedroom door on a regular basis (he just barges in all the time without knocking--my youngest locks his door all the time which is 100% for his brother)
• Put a lock on my closet so he stops taking things that don't belong to him (like my husband's underwear when he's out, my husband's clothes when he's out, our drinking water for his nefarious purposes, my facial moisturizer with sunscreen when he's out of his own, etc.)
• I do not serve dinner anymore.  I make dinner.  I plate dinner (so he doesn't take more than his share, which he always will and other people will get less).  But I do not serve anyone, which is something he 100% expected me to do before.  But now, I tell my youngest to come get his food (we do not eat at a table together, we are with each other 24/7--though my youngest is getting a full-time job soon! I am so proud of him!) and then I have my son tell my other son his food is out here.  That way he can't ask "Mom, can you bring it to me? I don't feel good!" or whatever his daily excuse is  Ever since last week when this all happened, I haven't served him once.  And he hasn't said a word about it.  

First, an update from my last post: I never confronted her about anything because it's not worth it, and now she stole my hand soap from the kitchen.  She keeps stealing bottles of things: my facial wash, my expensive shampoo, a bottle of my son's something-or-other from the bathroom, and now my hand soap from the kitchen.  Oh, and apparently my sunglasses and my garage door opener.  Either I have a super weird poltergeist, or my mother is just being weird and throwing away our items.  I mean, it could go either way at this point.  

Anyways, my birthday just passed and guess what?  I got a letter in the mail.  

A year ago I told my birthmother I no longer wanted contact with her.  You can read about that here.  I felt I had a good reason for doing so, but it always was in the back of my mind to wonder if I was overreacting or not.  Whenever you go no contact with someone in your family, that's always in the back of your mind.  Well, that is, until they do something crazy.  And then you realize you made the right decision.  Well, this letter cemented the reason I went no contact.  

At first I wanted to read it, in case it was nice and apologetic.  But I also wanted to stick by my choice of going no contact.  So, I compromised and had my husband read it instead LOL  And yeah, the look on his face said it all.  

Me: "So, it's bad?"

Him: "Uhh, you could say that.  It's not good, I'll say that."  

Me: *sigh*  "Great."  

So then I compromised even more and took pictures of it, didn't read it myself, and sealed right back up and wrote "Return to Sender" on it and sent it back.  The funny thing?  She didn't put a return address on it.  So I looked up her address and wrote it on myself.  I assume she should have it by now.  If not, then soon.  

My first gut instinct was to be pissed that she wanted to ruin my birthday by sending me a shitty letter near my birthday.  And that's still my feeling about it.  But my second gut instinct was that she sent it in retaliation for me sending her my "no contact" email right after her friend died.  I cannot help that her friend died close to my birthday and my birthmother decided to send it on my birthday.  And my third gut instinct was to read the damn letter.  So, I did.  

Dear Shay,

This IS important. 

I had to let some time pass before rereading your email, as it kept gnawing at me.  And I need to lay this to rest.  I don't mean to make you upset (yes you do, otherwise why send it in May?), but I do feel the need to defend myself after such a vicious attack.  

Really?  Vicious you say?  I could hardly call it vicious.  I pointed out some truths, which weren't exactly nice, but they weren't vicious and they weren't an attack.  They were the truth and they were me telling her how she hurt me.  But apparently telling this woman anything she did wrong is an "attack" (she later calls my son pointing out she forgot my 40th or so birthday him "chewing her out" rather than saying she did anything wrong).  So, we're not allowed to tell Miss Barbara she does anything wrong.  Gotcha.  Okay, well, that just 100% cements my choice to go no contact with her.  

Rather than post the single-spaced two-page letter here, I will sum it up for you: 

This letter is not an apology.  It is a defensive reframing of reality where she positions herself as reasonable and misunderstood, and I am positioned as angry, attacking, and wholly inaccurate.  My pain is minimized and reinterpreted, whereas hers, due to my "vicious attack" is front and center.  And her accountability is avoided entirely.  It was, quite frankly, childish and quite ridiculous.  And completely unexpected at the time, but when I thought better of it, actually quite expected.  I just didn't want to see this side of her.  

Here are some more points I can make about her letter: 

• She reframed my honesty as a “vicious attack” instead of pain.
• She pathologized (read: picked on me for) my anger instead of asking why it exists.
• She focused on factual defense (“only twice”) when it came to forgetting my birthdays instead of how forgetting my birthdays made me feel (though this is a lie--she forgot most years, and send my cards late--she only completely forgot twice).
• She used two particular acts of help to dismiss her longstanding emotional absence (at times, it was years when hadn't heard from her).
• She treated our relationship as equal-responsibility rather than acknowledging the asymmetry of adoption/birthparent or parent/child dynamics.  Narcissists LOVE to do this.  They will say "Well, YOU could have called ME" or whatever.  But normal parents never see it that way.  They know damn well that parents are supposed to be the ones checking on and checking in with their kids, even when their kids don't call.  
• She cared more about whether she looked bad than about how I felt about her behavior.
• She centered her intention (“that was meaningful to me”) over my experience (“that hurt me”).
• She used “people love differently” to bypass accountability for how her behavior landed.  Total narc move.
• She reframed my emotional distance as something I created, rather than something that emerged from her inconsistency and lack of caring.  Just the same as my mother used to do.
• She separated herself from my actual mother while still repeating some similar emotional patterns (dismissal, minimization, framing me as “too angry”).  Which means she said "I am not like your mother!" while acting just like my mother LOL  Funny, isn't it?  
• She claims the title of "mother" publicly while not carrying the emotional role privately.
• She reduced my lived experience to “your story,” rather than recognizing that your experience is real even if it differs from hers.
• She still never truly acknowledged the profound attachment disruption of relinquishing a bonded six-month-old child.  In all actuality, I don't think she even realizes the ramifications of her actions in the least.  
• She does not seem to understand that adoption trauma is not erased by reunion.
• She appears to think biology alone grants permanent emotional entitlement/claim, while most people experience motherhood/daughterhood as relational and lived.  And when I say "most people", I mean NORMAL PEOPLE. 
• She keeps interacting with me as though my adoption was a simple event in her past, while I have lived inside the consequences of it my entire life.  And she DOES NOT acknowledge that.  
• Never ONCE did she apologize for a single thing.  Not once.  Other than saying "I am sorry you didn't get what you needed from your mom, I really am", while accusing me of needing her to fill the space of my mother.  How freaking arrogant it is that she assumes I need her to be my mother? I HAVE a mother.  She's awful, but I never once wanted Barbara to step in and take her place.  What I wanted her to be was NORMAL.  But I am sorry she didn't get what SHE needed from HER mother to teach her how to be a good and normal person.  Geezus.  

But most of all?  She shows her own stupidity about human behavior and why we do the things we do and at the same time insults me for my human behavior.  She's shaming for having anger.  Not just about my letter, but also including my letter, but about my past on Facebook.  I used to be a different person.  I used to be involved in a very immature friendships with people who were full of chaos.  I grew up with narcissism, so I made narcissistic friends as a teen and as an adult.  So, I will say my anger was real and it was 100% warranted.  BUT, it shouldn't have been posted on Facebook.  I should have just written about it in my diary.  I learned recently that's called "victim signaling", which was something I learned to do from my mother.  It was this obsessive need for others to see my pain and validate it.  I used to call it "needing an audience for my pain".  I was taught that pain HAD to be shared for it to be valid.  I was always looking for people to say to me "You're right to feel this way!  You have every right!"  Because deep down, I didn't feel I had the right to ever be mad about someone treating me like crap.  I felt I probably deserved it.  And it fed some sort of dopamine thing inside of me every single time someone validated me.  Do you know how hard it is to have someone treat you badly and to not share it when you're feeling bad and used to doing so?  It's an addiction that I literally had to get over.  And it was one of the hardest things in my life to do.  

But instead of being nice to me back then and asking if I was okay, she attacked me for it.  Like, legitimately attacked me, being accusing and rude.  Maybe I wrote about it on this blog?  I will have to see if I can find the post if I did.  

So, I had to set her straight for the first time in my life and say "Look, you are my birthmother and you have ZERO right to tell me how to live my life.  I am not trying to be rude here, but you didn't raise me.  And our relationship is far more complicated than you're making it out to be and I need you to back off."  Or something of the sort (I think I was nicer when I actually said it).  And she ended up unfollowing me on FB because of it, so she could "protect her mental health" or something.  And eventually I ended up blocking her because I was processing my adoption and didn't want to hurt her feelings.  She was protecting herself by unfollowing me and I was protecting her by blocking her.  

We are very different people.  

I am a person with emotions.  She is a person without many emotions, or rather, with few emotions.  This is not an insult, it's the truth.  We are both autistic, but we are very different kinds of autistic.  I am a person who strives to understand other humans in the world, it's one of my main special interests as an autistic person.  Which is why I am so interested in psychology and narcissism.  SHE, on the other hand, doesn't understand anyone, no wants to even try to.  She mainly wants to pretend at all times (as a coping mechanism) that everything is fine and great and wonderful.  Unless someone supposedly wrongs her.  Then she'll chat on about it.  One time she wrote to me making fun of her close friend she went on vacation with who had severe anxiety.  I also have severe anxiety, which I had told her about before.  Tone deaf, much?  Most her emails were like that.  Tone self and selfish.  I am a person who expresses myself quite often both verbally, and in the written word.  She is a person who doesn't express herself much at all.  I am too much for her.  And she is too little for me.  We are not a match.  

So, I decided to write her a letter back.  Even though I made it look like I didn't read her letter, I wanted say "Actually I DID read it, and it sucked!" So I wrote it, rewrote, and rewrote it several more times.  Then out of the blue, it hit me: no matter what I say to her, she will not hear me.  She will never be understanding of what it's like to be the daughter of a woman who gave her up at six months old.  She will never even be sorry for it, either.  So sending her my letter is not only a waste of time and stamps, it's useless and futile.  And it will break the illusion that I didn't read her letter, which is important if I want her to realize that no contact means no contact.  

So I didn't send it.  But better yet?  I don't even want to anymore.  I don't feel the need to defend myself to someone who won't listen anyways.  My son, who has BPD, is like that in arguments.  Last night he had a FIT while we were playing Gloomhaven that I didn't put my cards where they were supposed to be and when he, in a very irritated tone, told me to move them, I said "Sorry, I just didn't do it yet" rather than saying "I forgot."  I didn't forget I that's where they needed to go, I just forgot to move them yet.  He was accusing me of completely forgetting that they even went there.  So when I said "I didn't forget" I wasn't making an excuse for myself, I was defending what I thought he was accusing me of.  And the entire night was ruined because he started screaming and went totally bonkers over the entire thing.  And every time I tried to talk, he accused me of steering the conversation the way I wanted it to go and blah blah blah blah.  So I had to sit there, seething, saying nothing.  If I shake my head because I disagree, he'll start screaming again for me to "not interrupt him".  It's crazymaking.  But with him, there is no defense you can use with him when he's like that.  He will twist what I say to adhere to his narrative.  Just like Barbara did in her letter.   So, I stay quiet until I can leave the situation.  

But here's the difference between these two situations: BPD (alone, not comorbid with NPD) has instances of these situations where they act irate and don't listen to reason.  So does NPD.  But...with BPD?  It ends and they look back and say "Oh wow, I was wrong".  It took years for my son to get to that point (him growing up and also having an BPD diagnosis), but he usually comes to me later and apologizes and says "I don't know why I get like that?  What causes this?"  And we can talk about it.  Whereas with NPD?  They will never admit they are wrong.  They will never say "Oh wow, I overreacted".  They will not only never ever admit they were wrong or did something wrong, they will never even listen to your side.  And if they do?  It's a con.  It's a con to use against you later for some other reason.  BPD can do that too, but usually only to use when they're dysregulated.  NPD builds a profile on you the way advertisers do so they can use that info any time they like.  They'll catch you by surprise, letting you know that they've always been waiting for this moment, they're in it for the long game.  

So the letter sits on my computer, unsent, and probably will never be sent.  I will only take action if someone from my birthfamily reaches out to me.  They won't.  And that's okay.  Even my grandma stopped sending me birthday cards and mother's day cards and Christmas cards.  This chapter of my life seems to be over.  I am actually happy Barbara sent me that letter.  Yes, that's her real name, I don't care about protecting her identity anymore.  She doesn't protect mine.  I am happy because she proved me to me that my instinct to go no contact with her was the right thing to do.  I will never have to second guess myself.  Though the funny thing is: I actually never did.  I was glad of it.  It felt peaceful.  Any new letters will probably go right into my burn bin.  I don't live in her version of make believe.  And I needed to stop letting her make me feel bad because of her choice to live there.  

Then came my actual birthday and I woke up pissed.  I haven't been angry on my birthday in YEARS.  And this year, I was.  It was Barbara's letter that did it.  And then my husband alluded to the fact he didn't do anything for my birthday.  And I was hurt again.  But I didn't let my day get ruined.  I did some stuff to get my brain feeling better and then my family actually made it a wonderful birthday.  I thought I was beyond being disappointed on that day.  I thought I was past it.  But it crept right back, hence me needing to go no contact with her (she was a part of that disappointment...because she always forgot my birthdays).  But it ended up being so lovely, because I did my part of doing what I needed to do to change how my brain was feeling that day.  Had I let myself stew all day?  I would have ruined it.  Just like every year for YEARS.  But I didn't.  And it turned out so great instead :)  

This is my path to healing myself from narcissistic abuse.  

And I can finally see that it's working.  

I haven't gotten video of her going into my room, BUT I did get something else.  

I took the two things she "replaced" after stealing them years ago, and I placed them on the table near where she eats.  I've done this for several days. I remove them after she's done with dinner.  She can clearly see I am doing it on purpose, as when she eats breakfast, they are no longer there.  But each night at dinner, they reappear.  

If I confront her directly, she will deny it.  So instead, I leave them out so she can clearly see that I caught her.  And that I know it's her.  

And then today, she came knocking on my door to show me her books.  She said: 

"Hey Shay, I have something to show you.  I'll have to show you out here since you don't want me in your room." 

If you've been here, you know my mother ALWAYS tells on herself.  And that was what she was doing when she added that part in.  She NEVER says that out loud.  Plus, that would mean she would have to open my door and come in, something I've never allowed her to do (once I got a lock on my door).  It's been like five years, so why would she say that now?  Yup.  Because I've called her out on her coming into my room when I am not here.  

To me, that's her confession.  

Though, I will still put the items out in the kitchen until she actually addresses them.  Until then, I am locking her access to anything that's mine, per my therapist's instructions.  Ugh that feels like a lot of work, but I am down for it.  Otherwise it will drive me insane think she's sneaking into my room if I forget to lock it.  Or throwing my items away in my bathroom (like she did before).  I bet it's been going on for years, under the guise of "being docile" so I trust her.  

I don't need to confront her or argue with her about it.  I will just leave those items out until she has had enough and tells on herself.  She always does.