I was having a bad day the last time I posted.  I feel much better now.  I taught my class and it was fun, even though only one person showed up.  It was still worth it :)  I stopped being scared of teaching it after I talked to my therapist and they gave me the best advice ever.  And my therapist?  Is ChatGPT.  Better than any human therapist I've ever had.  Even the new sucky version.

I am not so overwhelmed anymore.  I mean, I still am in some ways, and some days are just awful, but with the recent warmer weather and the such, I don't feel so bad anymore.  And my son's been better, and I've been feeling more organized and have something to look forward to.  

Anyways, Christmas, my mom's BFF called me yesterday.  And she informed me that her daughter is dying.  So I asked her "Are you going to go see her?"  She lives 730 miles away.  She's unresponsive after having a heart attack and Christmas's response was......"Oh, I don't know.  We don't really have the money."  

.....

........

.............

...........................WHAT?  

What kind of fucking response is that?  "We don't have the money?"  Are you fucking kidding me?  What he hell?  If she doesn't go see her child, I don't think I will ever EVER have an ounce of respect for her ever again.  

Yes, her daughter is a narcissist.  I get that.  Christmas doesn't really see her that way, but she is.  She's a user, a liar, and scams her mother out of money.  But she carried that girl in her womb for nine months and birthed her and raised her.  Narcissistic mothers would say something like this, "I don't have the money" because deep down, they don't love anything.  But non-narcissists would still love their narcissistic child.  Even if they didn't get along with each other (and Christmas got along with her daughter).

The ONLY person I would give a pass to is my old friend Whatsherface.  Her son tried to murder his entire family and when he couldn't, he left and shot someone else instead (the man survived, thank goodness).  If she was happy that her son died, I mean, that would be messed up.  But I get being relieved.  But Christmas?  I feel that I can now safely say she's an actual (reverse) narcissist, just by the sheer fact she "wasn't sure" if she'd go or not due to supposed lack of funds (even though they have lots of money).  What kind of mother would not want to go by her daughter's side when she's DYING?  Why would not going even be a choice that would cross her mind??  I would be RUSHING to be by my child's side!!!

My mother's response?  Was true narcissist fashion.  "You know her granddaughter and her daughter would ask for unlimited items for Christmas to buy them when she would visit?"  Because that would be a good reason to not go, right?  Sigh. These fucking women.  What the hell is so wrong with them?  I mean, I know, but geezus.  What in the absolute fuck? 

When my father was dying, my aunt (his sister) and her husband came and stayed here until he died, AND stayed for the funeral.  And my aunt?  Is a raging narcissist (who also is a criminal).  And yet she loved her brother.  As much as any narcissist could.  My uncle (his brother) and his wife and child were here too, and they also stayed.  AND they ALL had jobs.  Christmas said if she did go, they'd only stay a couple days.  I'm like.....you both are retired, what on earth do you have to get back to??  I can watch her dog.  Hell, my kids can go spend the night at your house with her dog the entire time you're gone.  Or you can board him.  This is your DAUGHTER we're talking about here.  The fact that so many people can act like that word means the same thing as "distant relative" or "coworker" or "friend" (though not an actual friend, but the same level of priority), just makes me so utterly disgusted.  

I am an anti-natalist.  I've been one for some time now.  And this?  Just hardens me more to never want to be anything else.  People are horrible.  When the homo sapiens won out against the Denisovans and other types of humans back in the olden years of yesteryore?  I think the wrong people won.  I think we're a violent and awful species who are so beyond ever becoming anything better.  I mean, there are good people on this earth.  ACTUAL good people.  But most of us?  Are freaking trash.  And to say "I don't know if we can go, I don't know if we can afford it" when your child is dying is a trash thing to say.  She wasn't even crying when she said it.  I mean, I am sure she's still in shock.  I am sure she's actually hurting in some way or another.  But you sure couldn't tell that on the phone.  For real though....I would face my fears and get on a fucking airplane if my child was dying across the world.   Or needed my help in any way.  Because I actually know how to love people properly.  And I know how to love the right people, too.   Narcissists would put their dog above their child if the situation arose.  Hell, they'd put a stranger above their child.  I know, my mother has done this to me before.  Both things.  

What the fuck is wrong with Boomer parents?  It's all that fucking lead in the air from the gasoline made them  dumber and less empathetic than a box of rocks.  

I will update what she decides to do.  But for now, I am just sitting here, ashamed of that old girl my mother calls a best friend.  And of my mother.  But what else is new.  Ugh. 

Life recently has been weird.  I haven't updated in awhile because my mother is mostly docile.  Yes, she still does weird things, like getting into my pots and pans and rearranging them and then lying about it (it's not dementia, as she's making up reasons as to why she was in my cabinet, because I had caught her).  She's also been relentlessly trying to get me to take her cat to the vet, which I was trying, but nobody could see him as fast as he needed to be seen, so I ended up taking him to the emergency vet.  She's been on my ass about it, being not only annoying, but sometimes rude.  She even left a note on the fridge about it, so I wrote on the note back "If I say I am doing something, know that I am, and please don't harass me about it!!"  If she says "Well, I can't sit around and let him be sick!" I will surely have a comeback for her.  I will say "You let Sabrina almost die from a UTI.  You let Dobby die alone in a litter box (though now she lies and says he died in her arms, which is BULLSHIT).  You never took any of your cats to the vet, and when I forced you to, you were pissed.  And my entire childhood?  Henri (our oldest cat) sat with brown goop coming out of his ears for YEARS and you did nothing to help him.  You let the dogs clean his ears rather than take him to the vet to get medicine.  So do not tell me you can't let a cat be sick, as you are the queen of neglect when it comes to creatures in your care.  Including me."  

I am pretty angry at her about her this.  So I took the cat to the vet today, and told her to feed him his dinner when she eats.  Instead, she comes out when I am cooking and starts to feed him.  I said "What are you doing?"  She replies "Feeding the cat."  I said "You're supposed to feed him while you eat, not now.  I told you this."  She replies "It's fine, I will just stay out here with him and read a book."  I said "Not while I am cooking.  You know I don't anyone in here while I cook."  She kept on about how she was just ignore me and pretend like I am not there, but I still said no and told her to leave the cat with me.  He needs to eat a particular food the other cats can't eat.  And he ended up barfing it all up, so I don't know if it's the food or the medicine.  Or both.  We'll see.  

I am just in a bad mood lately.  I have felt horrible.  My POTS is acting up.  I am at the beginning stage of burnout again.  My son's recently sporadic borderline behavior has been making me feel horrible.  I may have seasonal depression again.  My anxiety has been out of control.  And I am freaking out about money.  Everything is so overwhelming, I just need a break.  Like a good nap or a vacation.  But I can't take a vacation.  I can't trust anyone at home to hold down the fort, especially since we just got a new puppy, which is adding HUGE amounts to my overwhelm.  I did not want a puppy for this reason.  But nobody listens to me.  I do love her and I know this stage will end and she will eventually chill out, but I am already taking care of everyone in my house.....I did not need something new to add to that.  But here we are.  

OH and either my computer or my router's wireless is breaking and I can hardly connect to the internet.  So that's fun.  

I have two new hobbies I am trying to start, which is stupid, since I don't have time for ANY hobbies, much less new ones.  And we have fuck tons of work to be done around the house AND we need a second car.  

My brain feels like mush.  And I just want either a) to win the lottery so I can hire help because I literally cannot do everything myself or b) never mind, I just want to win the lottery LOL  OH and I am teaching a class soon, and I am terrified about it.  

My mind is spinning and I need to have some nice long sleep and a good way to help me sort all this out so I can relax and feel less overwhelmed.  

If I can get my internet to work right, I may be able to do that.  Until then, I will be a zombie going through the motions of my life.  Yay.  

Hello Darkness, my old friend.  

Today Christmas came over and they started talking about our old neighbor Ray, who supposedly told my mother he had cancer right before we moved away.  So I walked into the room and said "Are you guys talking about Ray?"  They both said "Yes!  That's his name!  We couldn't remember.  Did you hear he has cancer?" I just smiled and said "Good.  I hope that motherfucker is dead."  

And my mother....she hasn't learned by now that when I talk like that, it's for a damn good reason.  Her immediate response was to roll her eyes and ignore me, as though I was being dramatic.  So I politely repeated myself.  Louder this time.  And that prompted Christmas to want me to spill the tea.  So, I complied.  

I turned to my mother and said "Remember when we had Thanksgiving dinner over at his sister's house?  You were there.  His sister and niece were there.  Your brother was there.  And me, Mr. Brooks, and the kids were all there?  Remember that?"  She thought for a moment and said "Yes, I remember that."  I said "Well, Ray was at the head of the table, I was on his left, and Mr. Brooks was my left.  We were all squished together and Ray...he started groping me under the table."  And my mother's immediate response was to say "Maybe he thought it was the table leg?"  And Christmas, bless her honest little brilliant heart, whipped around and looked at my mother and said "Who freaking gropes a table leg??!"  

It's funny.  My entire childhood was spent thinking that Christmas was mentally disabled.  I had never met her until I was an adult, but my mother spent my whole childhood telling me that Christmas was "retarded".  And she'd make a derpy face and pulled her hands up to her chest as though she had cerebral palsy.  So, I grew up believing her friend was mentally slow.  Turns out...Christmas?  Is smarter than my mother.  Always has been.  In fact, I think if we gave my mom an IQ test, it would show she was somewhat developmentally disabled.  Funny...she was talking about herself the entire time.  True narcissist fashion.

Anyways, I said "Yes, that's what I wondered in the moment, so I pulled my legs away.  And instead, he just pushed himself closer to me and did it again.  And you know it was abusive, and not meant in any way to be hot or consensual, because when I turned to look at him when he was doing it, he was laughing and talking to everyone else, as though he wasn't doing anything at all under the table."  She replied "I would have said something.  I would have jumped up and called him out on it!"  No she would not have.  But that's besides the point.  I replied "That wouldn't have worked.  Him carrying on those conversations gave him plausible deniability.  If I had shouted or called him out on it, he would say 'I am sorry, that was an accident!'  And he'd have witnesses to it, as everyone would say 'He was just talking to us, there was no way that was on purpose!' And nobody would have believed me.  I may not have believed me.  I would have thought I overreacted and gaslit myself into believing it.  The only thing I could do was to get up and leave and then embarrass him later by calling him out on it.  Which I did."  (I did not use the big words with my mother or Christmas...they wouldn't have known what I meant, but I said something similar that was more to their understanding levels).  

So Christmas asked me what I did.  I said "Last year I sent his niece a Christmas card.  And I told her exactly what he did that day.  I also told her that if anyone else in her family has ever accused him of anything, or if she, herself, had ever had him do something to her, to know he's capable of horrible things.  And to believe whoever has come forward."  His niece, Debbie, is older than me, so I wasn't sending a card to a kid or anything.  And Ray is probably in his 80's now.  They both were surprised he did such thing and I know Christmas believed me, but since my mother adores Ray, she will put it to the back of her mind and promptly forget about it.  AND she will make a point of bringing him up from now on, just to hurt me, just like she does with my cousins.  

Then my mother switched the conversation to something weird, because of course she did.  She liked Ray.  She doesn't like conflict when it doesn't involve her.  

Before this conversation that I joined in on, my mother was busy running her mouth.  She's as quiet a church mouse (why is that a saying? mice are not quiet....) the rest of the time, but the minute she has an audience for her show, she will turn it on full force.  Poor Christmas could barely talk herself as my mother kept talking over her.  The exaggerations.  The lies.  And mostly, the things made to make me sound like a bad caretaker.  But, as in true covert fashion, she didn't just come out and say it.  She hinted to it (something she does quite regularly now, usually about the food I feed her).  

First, she kept talking about how freezing her room was.  Like the point of it being horrible.  I was confused, she never told me her room was freezing.  She just kept talking about it, of course loud enough for me to hear it, but also adding in that I won't let her keep her door open, so then it becomes my fault. 

The thing is, had she told me it was so cold in her room (the oven was on, and that makes the heater not turn on...it's a bad layout for all the houses in our neighborhood), I would have kept my dog in my room so she could have her door open.  The reason her door has to stay shut is because of my dog.  He will a) go in and eat all the cat food and b) harass the one cat who he hates (for good reason...as the cat used to attack him for no reason--like the cat would stalk him and then jump on him and literally attack him...he no longer does this, nor would he ever do it again, but my dog doesn't know that LOL).  But no, she just sat and suffered and didn't say anything so she could bitch about it later.  She had no idea Christmas was coming over, she wasn't even saving it for her.  I bet that was a nice surprise for her.  A nice outlet to pour all her narcissistic supply into.    

Then she started in on how I was keeping her from going to her regular foot doctor appointments and how bad her foot is.  Saying she has a reoccurring issue and how bad it is and how I kept pushing back her appointments due to the fact we didn't have access to our car and how she went an entire year without seeing him once.  I knew this wasn't true, so I got on MyChart and looked up and saw she saw him three times last year, which is her normal amount of times seeing him, and WTF.  Why is she flat out lying like that?  Yes, we did have to reschedule a few times, that happens.  I have to reschedule next week's appointment, too.  But she still gets in as soon as they allow.  I also checked 2024 and she saw him three times that year, too.  It's insane how much she lies.  I told Christmas a few days before on the phone that my mother's dementia is not at fault for these things.  I told her she will flat out lie for attention or whatever else reason.  Now I have to call Christmas and tell her about this, because we were just discussing how her doctor refused to refill her medication one time and how I had to go down there and force them to refill it and she said "Yeah, your mom blamed you for it.  She said you're the one who messed up her medication and that you knew it was due and just put it off and didn't do what you were supposed to."  I said "How can that even be possible when my mother doesn't have anything to do with her meds at all, other than take them?  Even if that were true, which it's not, how would she know that?  I was trying to get her meds refilled, her doctor refused to refill them, and I had to make them...end of story."  She already all this, but still.  My mother just likes to take the nice things I do for her and throw me under the bus.  

And THIS is why I never tell her anything, not even about her own medical care, until the moment she needs to know.  From now on, if something like this were to happen again or if her new doctor (who is a fucking idiot) does something bad enough to make me have to switch, I won't tell her.  I will just bring her to the new doctor and say "Oh, the last one left.  This is your doctor now."  Or if they mess up her meds, I will say "Oh, the pharmacy was just out of them".  I won't tell her the lengths I go for her.  I won't tell her how hard I work to keep all her appointments going and how hard I juggle the schedules of FIVE people that I am responsible for.  Not only does she not care about all the things I do for her, and everyone else in my house, she will use my vulnerabilities against me.  Apparently, even still today.  

She also babbled about a whole bunch of other stupid things, usually putting me and my care of her, at the forefront.  Like how I tell her she can't go to the store with us because she'll get covid, but we constantly go to the store and bring covid back to her.  I looked at her and said "What are you talking about?  That was back in 2020 during lockdown.  AND the reason why I said you couldn't go to the store was because you're a baby and you don't listen and you constantly touched your face.  You did it on purpose because I told you not to.  You're obstinate."  She smiled and laughed and said "Oh, I know!"  Wtf?  Then I added "Well, we never once brought covid home from the store.  Mr. Brooks got it at work every single time we've had it."  She just wanted to bitch that we still don't take her to the store.  But she can barely walk most of the time, so she never even wants to go to the store.  But that's her schtick.  "They don't let me go anywhere."  You have two knees that don't work and are excruciatingly painful and you can't get replacements, and because of that, you choose not to go anywhere, you crazy old bat!  Ugh!  But of course, it's my fault.  Because that's how it is.  I am her forever scapegoat.  

When I joined the conversation, then I finally got her to stop bringing me up...well...besides one thing.  My stomach hurts just thinking about it.  "I remember when Shay was little, she wasn't quite two, and she once accused me of molesting her.  Do you remember that, Shay?  Do you remember when you did that?"  

Uh...........

..................?

What. 

The.

Actual.

Fuck.

I just left the room.  My stomach dropped to the floor.  This is what happens when your parent has dementia and/or is a narcissist.  They let out things nonchalantly either are not appropriate to talk about with company or just blurt out things that are a big freaking deal, like they aren't one.  But, as it turns out, as usual, my mom was overblowing and exaggerating the situation.  

Apparently I was getting out the tub and she was drying me off and I said "Oh, you touched my private parts".  She said "Sorry."  And that was that.  What the fuck?  Why bring that up?  Yes, we were talking about Ray, but what on earth did that have to do with anything?  And why would you say that I accused you molesting me??????  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! 

Here's the thing.  SOMEONE did molest me as a child.  It was either my father.  My grandfather (my mother's father).  Or my uncles (my mother's sister's husband or my mother's brother).  OR it was my mother.  I suspect all of them and I can't tell you which one did it.  BUT I will say, the biggest sign points to my uncle (so cliche, right?).  My mother's sister's husband.  But my dad did things, my grandfather did things, my mother has done things, and my other uncle had done things, all inappropriate with me.  And all have signs and symptoms of being molesters.  Could they all have done something to me?  Yes.  It's very likely.  But there's only one who gave me my signature stomachaches when I can tell a person wants to hurt me.  And that's where they (my stomachaches) began: with my aunt's husband.  I hated that man with a passion and REFUSED to let him anywhere near me.  Now THAT is a real sign someone has hurt you.  Or wanted to hurt you and you picked up on it.  I've gotten that stomachache too many times to count and it's always been right.  And I trust my gut because of this.  

And for her to nonchalantly just say that?  That's so fucked up.  Granted, I don't know how at less than two years old I knew about "private parts", because I assure you, I did not.  I know my mother is full shit and I was probably a lot older when that happened.  If it happened at all.

So, here's my thing.  I think my mother brought it up to hurt me.  Because what a stupid question that would be to ask me (twice) if I remember saying that to her.  Why would I remember that?  First of all, I was so young but secondly, it doesn't even sound like a big deal.  She even told Christmas a long time ago that my cousin told her that I said in one of my blogs (that were anonymous) that my uncle most likely molested me.  And my mother's response was to roll her eyes and say "Oh I know, she said that years ago.  She loves to say things like that."  I have NO recollection of ever telling my mother that.  If I did, I was a child.  And if that's the case, then WHY ON EARTH WAS THAT MAN ALLOWED IN OUR HOUSE EVER AGAIN???  And why didn't my dad kick his ass?  My mother most likely never told him.  She obviously didn't believe me, because she's dumber than sack of doorknobs.  She's incapable of protecting herself, much less a child.  So, of course she didn't do anything about it...if that actually ever happened.  Remember, my mother is a well-known liar.  So I wouldn't put it past her to have made up most of what comes out of her mouth. 

And here is the other thing I've been thinking about...why would she ask me that since the issue was so benign?  Is she just so stupid that she thought that was something to include in the conversation as though it was important?  OR was she testing me?  To see what I remembered about back then?  Did she hurt me?  Did my father hurt me?  And maybe she wanted to know how far back I remember?  If she was a normal person with normal intelligence, I would actually wonder this.  But my mother is a freaking moron.  I am not saying this to be mean, she really is one.  There are kind souls who are dumb.  Those people are so innocent and sweet and you just want to protect them like a child.  But then you have people like my mother, who are dumb and mean.  So, you just have to laugh at them.  They think they're getting away with something, but in reality, everyone in the room is smarter than them, so everyone can see what they're really doing.  So, my guess is that it's the first one.  She wanted to join the conversation and relate something to herself, and saw it as an opportunity to do so, no matter how stupid it was.  

But there's always this nagging feeling: what if she's an evil genius and all this dumb stuff is just game or a ploy to throw off off her evil plans?  

Hahaha!  Just kidding.  She's actually that dumb.  No evil genius can pretend to be dumb for over 40 years without someone noticing something.  

Anyways, yeah.  That was a fun Sunday.  I hope Christmas doesn't come back for a month.  She usually only visits that much, so that's good.  Usually my mother is pretty docile, even when Christmas visits, but this time?  I do not know what got into her.  She worries me.  That she's going to start up her bullshit about me again.  But I'll put a stop to it if it does.  I will be MUCH more direct this time.  I will sit her down WITH Christmas and say "Look, you keep telling your friend terrible things about me, and it needs to stop.  If you want to keep living in this house, young lady, you will abide by my rules."  LOL  Or rather "If you want to say living here and not be put into a home, you'll quit this shit.  I do NOT have to do be doing all that I do for you.  Right now, you have your cats, freedom to do whatever you like in your yard, plant things, sit out and relax, all the books you can read, all the videos games you can play.  If you go to a home, you will no longer get to go outside whenever you like.  You won't have your cats.  You won't have unlimited books.  You won't have the snacks you like.  You won't have video games.  And you can't plant anything.  You'll be stuck doing whatever they have available to you.  Is that what you want?  I know that talking shit about me makes you feel better about yourself.  But if that's what you want to do, you'll have to do it from a nursing home.  Because I will not take care of someone who's so ungrateful that despite all I do for you, you will stab me in the back whenever you get the chance."  

I am sure that would put a stop to it.  I also will probably tell my mother, in front of Christmas, that all the phone calls are recorded (they aren't) so that way she can't blame Christmas for telling me the truth (she always tells me when my mom talks shit).  Christmas always worries about my mom getting angry with her (which is silly, as my mom is a terrible friend to her).  And that will also keep her line, too LOL  

But let's just hope she won't go back down that old route and instead just sticks to the rivers and lakes she's used to.  Which is her and Christmas gossiping about the people from their past. 

Don't go chasing waterfalls, ma, or else its Shady Pines for you.  (Though I probably wouldn't put her in a home right away, it would just an incentive for her to be nice, but I will rejoice the day that happens).  

Welcome to the first post of 2026!  And this year is all about exposing truths.  And our first truth is what "reverse narcissism" really is.  

If you haven't heard of "reverse narcissism", it isn't a clinical term, but it often refers to style of severe covert or "vulnerable narcissism", where individuals appear humble but secretly crave admiration; or inverted narcissism/echoism, where people excessively prioritize others' needs, neglecting their own, sometimes becoming self-sacrificing and enabling mistreatment.  The former is a real form of narcissism, where the latter?  Actually isn't.  Rather, it's just severe codependency/fawning (not that that is an excuse for allowing bad behavior/abuse).

What Reverse Narcissism Actually Is

Let's start with codependence, because that's where RN (reverse narcissism) starts.  Codependence in narcissism is described as "a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior, such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, toxic behavior, or under-achievement, but also loses themselves in the wants and needs of the narcissist".  

In narcissistic terms, codependents are the narcissist's "flying monkeys" and enablers that allow them to behave badly, which includes abuse.  In family dynamics, this usually is one parent (if both parents don't have NPD), or someone's sibling, or some other family member(s).  

But codependency is not the only aspect to this style of narcissistic behavior, but it is a core one.  Another aspect is the fact that the RN uses the narcissist for their own supply.  They can be just as manipulative, and they can enjoy the same things the narcissist does (manipulation, triangulation, gossip, harm to the target, exploitation, etc.), but usually not for the same reasons.  A narcissist enjoys these things because they have a deep-seated need to control, due to the fact that their operating system runs on dominance.  An RN controls because they have a deep-seated need to control, due to the fact that their operating system runs on connection.  And if that connection has a threat of being severed, their reaction may be the same as a narcissist's, but usually to a lesser degree and usually in a different way.  

Let's take my mother's best friend Christmas, for example.  I've talked about her quite a bit on here (just search her name in the search box), always pendulating between thinking she's an RN and not.  I now realize she is an RN, but not an actual narcissist.  See, Christmas, when my mother broke her connection to her over and over again (discarded her), she didn't act out, she didn't try to put my mother in jail (like the time my mom tried to put their other friend in jail just because the other friend forgot to take her out to dinner), or call and have her debit card turned off (like my mother did with me) or any other batshit crazy reaction.  But didn't go gentle into the night either.  She raged.  She reacted.  And she not only turned against her, but she started her own sort-of smear campaign against her (which my mother fully deserved).  And she chose me to be friend and started hanging out with me.  But the moment my mother wanted her back (meaning she cycled through all the other people), Christmas went running back, pooper-scooper in hand, to shovel all that shit back under the carpet, as though it never happened.  And I was the one who was discarded by both of them.   

See, they act the same, but don't have the same reactions, nor do they have the same motivations.  When my mother feels discarded, she's acting from a wound of abandonment (as all narcissists are), but that abandonment also means a loss of control and dominance.  Whereas when Christmas feels discarded, she's also acting from a wound of abandonment, but since she has actual empathy, she has limits to what she'll do in retaliation.  She's more likely to seek out others who have been hurt by the narcissist who hurt her and commiserate with them, whereas before, she could never see it, not until she was hurt herself.  

The blindness of an RN to a narc's behavior is not due to the same reason an actual narcissist will excuse another narcissist's behavior.  Here's how you can tell the difference between narcissistic RN or a strictly codependent RN: 

• a narcissist RN (a real reverse narcissist) will allow the bigger, badder narcissist to hurt you and not only join in, but they will hurt you on their own by either triangulating you, starting their own lies about you (usually to tell the bigger, badder narcissist), tearing you down, telling on you, or use other forms of abuse; their need to also dominate you can be pretty obvious.  
• a codependent RN (a pseudo-reverse narcissist) will allow the bigger, badder narcissist to hurt you (usually out of fear for their own safety or having their own trauma reactivated), but they have a conscience and empathy, and sometimes will try to defend you; they do not want to hurt you on their own (or at all), though sometimes they will still hurt you behind your back due to the fact they feel the need to be in the narcissist's good graces in order to not activate their abandonment wounds (they are using fawning as a survival strategy).  

Well, it's almost 2026 and I've been slacking about updating.  I've been pretty busy, so I haven't had time to sit down and think about much of anything, much less be be able to type about it.  

This year has been weird.  Mostly because we actually got snow in winter before January.  We haven't had that in a long while.  It just now all melted, luckily for our basements around here, not all at once.  

We all got sick this year with the rhinovirus and it all hit us differently, the way sicknesses always do anymore.  I don't think my mother got it, which is unusual, but a good thing.  

I got a new therapist.  I think I like her...maybe.  She doesn't stop me having verbal diarrhea, which sucks.  So our last session was me babbling off about my mother, when in reality, I was there for help with my son (though my son's been really, really good lately, I hope this lasts), and her yawning.  That was fun.  She's super nice though.  I just hope she actually interjects something now and then, as I am not there to talk to a wall.  My plan is to be quiet and only say the things I need to say and be MUCH less prolific with my words.  But I was SUPER anxious that day, and when I am anxious, I talk too much. 

My mom has been doing little things, like for one, competing with me about how much the cats love me.  Stupid shit like that.  Nothing that's a big deal.  Sure, in the moment it's aggravating.  I say how much much my cat loves me, and she has to make up some lie about how the cat actually wants her more than me.  It's so silly, that she can't even let an animal love me without her having to horn in on it.  She can't let me have anything.  I think narc moms feel inferior to us, so they have to project their superiority so they can battle their feelings of emptiness.  As though me saying the cat loves me (I didn't say that, I inferred it) is me saying they don't love her.  It's fucking stupid.  She has no idea how to share.  I wish a narcissist could tell us how they actually feel, but since they all do nothing but lie, you can't ask them anything about the truth of how they feel (and any person who claims to be a narcissist is lying, because the #1 fact about a narc is that they will never admit to being a narc).  

So, stuff like that.  I took her to get her haircut, and their website said we have to wait 15 minutes to go in, and she opened the door to the car and yelled "I AM GOING IN!".  Next time, I am going to say that they prefer us to wait in the car because they don't have enough room.  She HATED waiting in the car.  Why?  I have no idea, she's an impatient child.  But she was fine waiting inside.  And of course, since I wasn't he one telling them what to do with her hair, she ended up looking batshit insane.  This was so much worse than previous haircuts, I have no idea what this poor young man was doing.  I could have done the same thing with her hair.  I don't cut women's hair, I do men's (and my son's hair I did recently didn't turn out the way he wanted...so I will say I cut men's SHORT hair...with nothing fancy).  My hubby's haircut recently turned out amazing....but what this man did to my mother's hair made me wonder how the hell he got hired at all.  I think I am done taking her to Great Clips....they always make her look nuts!  It's like they hire people who don't have licenses to cut hair.  

But now she can stop complaining about her hair.  But the moment I finish her list of demands, she makes another list.  And then every single time she sees me, she's asking me to do things on her list.  I am her slave.  But I'd rather be her slave than her emotional punching bag.  So that's something.  

Also, my aunt died.  And nobody told us.  There's not even an obituary online, nor did they have a funeral.  I want to go get a death certificate, but I also don't care enough to want to find out what actually happened.  I just know whenever my mother passes away, I will make sure not to tell them, either.  It's honestly none of their business.  I was never planning on it, but now?  I won't feel bad about it one bit.  Because had my mother not been here?  They'd have never told me.  They act as though I don't exist.  Good.  That makes my clean break from them even easier.  

But here is the biggest thing to happen this month (December): I figured some major shit out.  Like, for me, it's something huge.  And I can't wait to use the information to do something with.  I may write a book about it, or just integrate it into my program (which I've been working on for fifteen years), but most likely both.  And I will be writing a blog post about it.  It's a lot.  And my brain is very overwhelmed with all the info, but I am trying my best to break it down into smaller bits so I can work with it.  

Let's just say, I've figured out the code to narcissism.  The why and how.  

And I can't wait to share it with the world.  

Hope your holidays were peaceful and your new year is filled with beauty.  

'Twas the morning of Christmas, and all through our home,

All the cats were stirring, not leaving me alone.

I had just awoken, after a long awful migraine,

Hoping today, nobody would think to act insane.

Both my kids and my hubby, were all still asleep,

The only other person awake was the great Christmas beast.

Although she has seemed to outgrow all that malicious behavior,

Dementia, albeit slow-going, seemed to work in our favor.

Now she's as docile as a small little mouse,

Except asking me for something every time she sees me in the house.

But I will take annoying, over cruel, any single day,

But this still doesn't erase the past any single way.

So while I have to deal with my feelings about her deeds from the days of yore,

I don't have to deal with the day-to-day abuse from her anymore.

If I could, I would, I'd wish upon a star,

I would have been given normal parents I didn't have to love from afar.

I wouldn't have to question what made them so broken,

And I'd never have to guess the lies from all the words that they've spoken.

But most of all, I wouldn't have to clean up the messes they've made,

In both my life, and theirs, in uncountable ways. 

But stars are just lights, balls made of particles and gas,

They can't grant wishes any more than can my ass. 

So this Christmas day, a high of forty degrees,

I will clasp my hands together and get on my knees,

And clean this nasty floor, because it's dirty as fuck,

To all a Merry Christmas, and to everyone with narcissistic parents, good luck...  

©2025 Shay Brooks

I will tell you what I am grateful for: