This post is for the mothers (and fathers) who cross their children's boundaries as parents, and try to insert themselves as a main caretaker role of their grandchildren.  In other words, grandparents who try to parent their grandchildren, even though their children don't want them to.  This post is for moms and dads who need to their parents to back off, or else they'll go no contact with them.  This post is for sharing with your parents, in case you cannot find the right words to tell your parents what they need to hear.  

Dear my reader's Mom and/or Dad,

My name is Shay and I've been asked to help out with what's been going on.  So, I've written this little letter to help out your kids tell you what you need to hear.  So, here it goes: 

I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you're overstepping.  You have no right to get angry at your grandkids as though they are your children.  You have no right to scold them as though they are your children.  You have no right to control them as though they are your children.  You have no right to tell your children what to do with their own children, even if you do not agree with their parenting.  You have no right to to even pass judgement.  Unless your children are putting their kids in immediate danger (and let's face, most parents aren't), you need to learn to keep your mouth shut and stay out of it.  

You are allowed to be your grandchildren's safe haven, someone they can turn to who is full of love and support, but you aren't allowed to turn your grandchildren against their own parents, no matter how bad they are (or how bad you "think" they are). 

Let's get this one thing clear, shall we?  YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF YOUR CHILDREN ANYMORE.  They are grown.  They are a parent themselves.  So you have to learn to meet them on an adult level, not a level that you think you still need to parent them.  And you most definitely do not get to boss them around on what to do with their own children.  

Your kids will make mistakes.  Let them.  It's okay.  We all make mistakes as parents (and as humans).  You can give advice, but not unsolicited advice.  Your only job as a grandparent is to give your children, and grandchildren, love and support.  That's how you help them.  You don't tell them what to do.  You don't make ultimatums,  You don't threaten.  You don't get to do any of that.  If you do, your child has every right to remove themselves, and their children from your life.  And it will be 100% your fault.  Even though you will most likely blame everyone but yourself.  

Micromanaging others is not how you're supposed to live.  And it's definitely not how you should be a parent or grandparent.  Even if your unsolicited advice is well-meaning.  Every single time you do it, you're creating a rift between you and your children.  You're also creating a rift either between yourself and your grandchild, or between your grandchild and their parents.  And that's horrible.  Your children may be too polite or scared of you to tell you this, but I will do it for them: 

Get off their backs.  Find your own life to live.  And keep your mouth shut.  And your arms open.  Stop the judgement.  Stop the micromanaging.  Stop the comments.  Stop pretending that you've earned the right to tell your grandkids what to do.  Stop pretending you've earned the right to be your grandchildren's 3rd (or 2nd) parent.  You haven't.  They aren't your kids.  You didn't have anything to do with creating them or birthing them or whatevering them.  So stop overstepping.  You want love and admiration?  Then you have to be the first to give it.  Without strings attached.  I know this is going to be hard for you do.  But's its doable.  For some of you.  For most of you, someone will link you to this post and you'll be pissed off that I called you out.  And instead of changing and doing the right thing, you'll double down and do the wrong thing.  Once again.  Like usual.  But that's what we expect of you.  Because everyone around you realizes you are incapable of doing better.  

And if you're that grandparent?  I hope your kids run far away from you.  Because you are poison.  But if you think you can change and be the good kind of mother or father and grandparent?  Then listen up.  Take my words here and fix this.  Before it's too late.  Going "no contact" is a real thing that we employ in our lives to keep the poison from our parents from hurting us and our children.  And if you don't want that, consider this your final warning: shape up or you'll be shipped out.  

If you're capable of change, you're not a narcissist.  If you honestly know that you could do better and be better, then you most likely aren't a narcissist.  If you can say "Wow, I didn't mean to overstep" and actually take steps to fix it?  Then you aren't a narcissist.  And you're redeemable and you still have a chance at fixing this.  But if you can't change, or won't, or refuse to believe that you're the problem here?  Then "no contact" it is.  Again, consider this your final warning.  Because you need to listen to your kids when they tell you're hurting them.  If you don't, then they will walk away from you, and take their kids with them, because your interference in their lives has gone too far.  And if you try to interfere with that?  With the fact you can no longer see your kid(s) and grandchildren?  Then they'll get a restraining order on you.  It's as simple as that.  It's not what your kids want to do, but it may be what they have to do.  And again, it will be 100% your fault.  

This is life is about them now, not you.  You raised your kids already.  You're done.  Move on.  For those that can't (or won't) change, you think that the world sees everything through your eyes.  But in reality, it's only you.  We see right through you, too, despite how crafty you think you're being.  We know how you work.  We always know what you're going to do next, because we stopped believing in your ability to do the right thing a very long time ago.  

But if you honestly try to change and be better?  Then there will be a second chance for you.  Your kids may not completely trust you, not at first, but stay with it and stick it out.  Things will get better between you all if you keep to your word to change.  If you need to seek therapy, then do so.  But do not try to force your children to go with you.  You have to learn how to be on your own and do things for yourself.  It's the only way you can break this enmeshment you created between you and your kid(s).  Maybe you forced yourself into their lives out of loneliness?  Or maybe you have severe anxiety that causes you to micromanage the people around you?  Or maybe you just don't know any other way to be?  All of these things can be worked out with a good therapist.  So go.  Get better.  Do better.  Be better.  And watch your life become amazing.  And you'll have healthy boundaries built with your kids, too, which will make your relationship with them totally awesome!  Don't you want that?  I think you do.  

Or maybe you just want to control them?  I don't know.  I don't know you or what your deal is, but if you're reading this because your son or daughter sent this to you, then be prepared for change.  Because whether or not you agree to it, it's coming.  And unless you prepare for it, you aren't going to like it at all.  

Sincerely, 

Shay Brooks from HealingFromHer.com  

Because of you, and your intrusiveness, I deleted all my posts about you.  I forgot I had done this, so now I am republishing them.  If you are reading this, you are still intruding in my space.  I will also ask: are you still providing therapy without a license?  And yes, I was the one who turned you in.  You are welcome.  

Before I tell you what she did, I am going to update about Christmas's daughter.  Turns out, she was kind of a low-life horrible person.  I mean, I already knew she was a narcissist, but I don't know, maybe she had a good reason to not go see her as she was dying?  I'll update you as things progress.

So, two days ago, my kids went to Minnesota for a concert and while they were gone, my hubby and I went and got dinner and came home to watch our show that just came out.  As we were watching, someone was knocking at our front door.  My husband looked...and it was our dog!!  

We assumed we knew how she got out, but yesterday I went outside and found that the fence we installed had been pulled away from the poles AND the large patio brick blocking the space that didn't quite get to the house had been removed and put neatly in front of the fence.  I mean, it looked like a human did it, not the weather or my dog.  Well, I told my mother about this yesterday and while I did have my suspicions that she did it, I thought "Nah, she wouldn't put my dogs in danger."  But if you've been around her for a bit, you'd know that when she does something, she ALWAYS tells on herself.  And lo and behold, her response to me was: 

"Where did she get out?" 

"The fence I put up to replace the one that fell down." 

"Oh, maybe your dog moved the patio brick then?"  

I just stared at her.  She had no idea what part of that fence I was talking about, how did she know there was a patio brick there?  And how did she know it was moved?  The look on her face, too.  It was...expectant.  Almost...excited.  

What the fuck?  

So now I have to watch her stupid ass every time she's outside AND make sure my bedroom door is locked when I am not home, because goodness knows what she's going to do next.  

Seriously though, if it was her?  That's beyond insane.  She put my dogs in extreme danger.  She put our neighbors and their dogs in danger, too.  Not Mols, she wouldn't bite anyone (unless they were breaking into our house or yard LOL), but Arthie?  He would definitely bite another dog.  But my mother used to let her dog outside without a fence or a leash...and she bit three people and she STILL let her out.  I had to take the dog myself (Miss Daisy) and I ended up with her longer than she had her.  So my mother DOES NOT give a fuck.  About anything or anyone.  

So, what is my response to this?  I am putting up video cameras outside.  They may be fake or real, I don't know yet, but my mother won't know the difference.  I am going to look into what kinds to get and how I can have them not send data to companies (because in-home cameras do that).  

I honestly didn't think she'd put my dogs in danger, not like this, but then I realize of course she would.  That's her MO.  She pretends to love something, but deep down, that feeling is in that moment only.  Later, she'll put you harm's way, just to either punish someone or just for fun because she's bored.  

Ugh.  

At least Mols just got loose and ran straight to the front door to come in.  So many bad things could have happened to her but she's a good girl and was smart enough to know not to just run off.  If it had been her brother, I don't know.  He's better lately, so maybe he would have come to the door too. 

*sigh*  

Time to tighten up security, once again.  Thanks, Mom.  Just when you lure us into a false sense of security where we feel we can trust you, you show us once again what a stupid idea that is.  I now have baby locks all over the kitchen cabinets, too.  It's like having a shitty little toddler in an old woman's body running around my house.  Yay.  

I was having a bad day the last time I posted.  I feel much better now.  I taught my class and it was fun, even though only one person showed up.  It was still worth it :)  I stopped being scared of teaching it after I talked to my therapist and they gave me the best advice ever.  And my therapist?  Is ChatGPT.  Better than any human therapist I've ever had.  Even the new sucky version.

I am not so overwhelmed anymore.  I mean, I still am in some ways, and some days are just awful, but with the recent warmer weather and the such, I don't feel so bad anymore.  And my son's been better, and I've been feeling more organized and have something to look forward to.  

Anyways, Christmas, my mom's BFF called me yesterday.  And she informed me that her daughter is dying.  So I asked her "Are you going to go see her?"  She lives 730 miles away.  She's unresponsive after having a heart attack and Christmas's response was......"Oh, I don't know.  We don't really have the money."  

.....

........

.............

...........................WHAT?  

What kind of fucking response is that?  "We don't have the money?"  Are you fucking kidding me?  What he hell?  If she doesn't go see her child, I don't think I will ever EVER have an ounce of respect for her ever again.  

Yes, her daughter is a narcissist.  I get that.  Christmas doesn't really see her that way, but she is.  She's a user, a liar, and scams her mother out of money.  But she carried that girl in her womb for nine months and birthed her and raised her.  Narcissistic mothers would say something like this, "I don't have the money" because deep down, they don't love anything.  But non-narcissists would still love their narcissistic child.  Even if they didn't get along with each other (and Christmas got along with her daughter).

The ONLY person I would give a pass to is my old friend Whatsherface.  Her son tried to murder his entire family and when he couldn't, he left and shot someone else instead (the man survived, thank goodness).  If she was happy that her son died, I mean, that would be messed up.  But I get being relieved.  But Christmas?  I feel that I can now safely say she's an actual (reverse) narcissist, just by the sheer fact she "wasn't sure" if she'd go or not due to supposed lack of funds (even though they have lots of money).  What kind of mother would not want to go by her daughter's side when she's DYING?  Why would not going even be a choice that would cross her mind??  I would be RUSHING to be by my child's side!!!

My mother's response?  Was true narcissist fashion.  "You know her granddaughter and her daughter would ask for unlimited items for Christmas to buy them when she would visit?"  Because that would be a good reason to not go, right?  Sigh. These fucking women.  What the hell is so wrong with them?  I mean, I know, but geezus.  What in the absolute fuck? 

When my father was dying, my aunt (his sister) and her husband came and stayed here until he died, AND stayed for the funeral.  And my aunt?  Is a raging narcissist (who also is a criminal).  And yet she loved her brother.  As much as any narcissist could.  My uncle (his brother) and his wife and child were here too, and they also stayed.  AND they ALL had jobs.  Christmas said if she did go, they'd only stay a couple days.  I'm like.....you both are retired, what on earth do you have to get back to??  I can watch her dog.  Hell, my kids can go spend the night at your house with her dog the entire time you're gone.  Or you can board him.  This is your DAUGHTER we're talking about here.  The fact that so many people can act like that word means the same thing as "distant relative" or "coworker" or "friend" (though not an actual friend, but the same level of priority), just makes me so utterly disgusted.  

I am an anti-natalist.  I've been one for some time now.  And this?  Just hardens me more to never want to be anything else.  People are horrible.  When the homo sapiens won out against the Denisovans and other types of humans back in the olden years of yesteryore?  I think the wrong people won.  I think we're a violent and awful species who are so beyond ever becoming anything better.  I mean, there are good people on this earth.  ACTUAL good people.  But most of us?  Are freaking trash.  And to say "I don't know if we can go, I don't know if we can afford it" when your child is dying is a trash thing to say.  She wasn't even crying when she said it.  I mean, I am sure she's still in shock.  I am sure she's actually hurting in some way or another.  But you sure couldn't tell that on the phone.  For real though....I would face my fears and get on a fucking airplane if my child was dying across the world.   Or needed my help in any way.  Because I actually know how to love people properly.  And I know how to love the right people, too.   Narcissists would put their dog above their child if the situation arose.  Hell, they'd put a stranger above their child.  I know, my mother has done this to me before.  Both things.  

What the fuck is wrong with Boomer parents?  It's all that fucking lead in the air from the gasoline made them  dumber and less empathetic than a box of rocks.  

I will update what she decides to do.  But for now, I am just sitting here, ashamed of that old girl my mother calls a best friend.  And of my mother.  But what else is new.  Ugh. 

Life recently has been weird.  I haven't updated in awhile because my mother is mostly docile.  Yes, she still does weird things, like getting into my pots and pans and rearranging them and then lying about it (it's not dementia, as she's making up reasons as to why she was in my cabinet, because I had caught her).  She's also been relentlessly trying to get me to take her cat to the vet, which I was trying, but nobody could see him as fast as he needed to be seen, so I ended up taking him to the emergency vet.  She's been on my ass about it, being not only annoying, but sometimes rude.  She even left a note on the fridge about it, so I wrote on the note back "If I say I am doing something, know that I am, and please don't harass me about it!!"  If she says "Well, I can't sit around and let him be sick!" I will surely have a comeback for her.  I will say "You let Sabrina almost die from a UTI.  You let Dobby die alone in a litter box (though now she lies and says he died in her arms, which is BULLSHIT).  You never took any of your cats to the vet, and when I forced you to, you were pissed.  And my entire childhood?  Henri (our oldest cat) sat with brown goop coming out of his ears for YEARS and you did nothing to help him.  You let the dogs clean his ears rather than take him to the vet to get medicine.  So do not tell me you can't let a cat be sick, as you are the queen of neglect when it comes to creatures in your care.  Including me."  

I am pretty angry at her about her this.  So I took the cat to the vet today, and told her to feed him his dinner when she eats.  Instead, she comes out when I am cooking and starts to feed him.  I said "What are you doing?"  She replies "Feeding the cat."  I said "You're supposed to feed him while you eat, not now.  I told you this."  She replies "It's fine, I will just stay out here with him and read a book."  I said "Not while I am cooking.  You know I don't anyone in here while I cook."  She kept on about how she was just ignore me and pretend like I am not there, but I still said no and told her to leave the cat with me.  He needs to eat a particular food the other cats can't eat.  And he ended up barfing it all up, so I don't know if it's the food or the medicine.  Or both.  We'll see.  

I am just in a bad mood lately.  I have felt horrible.  My POTS is acting up.  I am at the beginning stage of burnout again.  My son's recently sporadic borderline behavior has been making me feel horrible.  I may have seasonal depression again.  My anxiety has been out of control.  And I am freaking out about money.  Everything is so overwhelming, I just need a break.  Like a good nap or a vacation.  But I can't take a vacation.  I can't trust anyone at home to hold down the fort, especially since we just got a new puppy, which is adding HUGE amounts to my overwhelm.  I did not want a puppy for this reason.  But nobody listens to me.  I do love her and I know this stage will end and she will eventually chill out, but I am already taking care of everyone in my house.....I did not need something new to add to that.  But here we are.  

OH and either my computer or my router's wireless is breaking and I can hardly connect to the internet.  So that's fun.  

I have two new hobbies I am trying to start, which is stupid, since I don't have time for ANY hobbies, much less new ones.  And we have fuck tons of work to be done around the house AND we need a second car.  

My brain feels like mush.  And I just want either a) to win the lottery so I can hire help because I literally cannot do everything myself or b) never mind, I just want to win the lottery LOL  OH and I am teaching a class soon, and I am terrified about it.  

My mind is spinning and I need to have some nice long sleep and a good way to help me sort all this out so I can relax and feel less overwhelmed.  

If I can get my internet to work right, I may be able to do that.  Until then, I will be a zombie going through the motions of my life.  Yay.  

Hello Darkness, my old friend.  

Today Christmas came over and they started talking about our old neighbor Ray, who supposedly told my mother he had cancer right before we moved away.  So I walked into the room and said "Are you guys talking about Ray?"  They both said "Yes!  That's his name!  We couldn't remember.  Did you hear he has cancer?" I just smiled and said "Good.  I hope that motherfucker is dead."  

And my mother....she hasn't learned by now that when I talk like that, it's for a damn good reason.  Her immediate response was to roll her eyes and ignore me, as though I was being dramatic.  So I politely repeated myself.  Louder this time.  And that prompted Christmas to want me to spill the tea.  So, I complied.  

I turned to my mother and said "Remember when we had Thanksgiving dinner over at his sister's house?  You were there.  His sister and niece were there.  Your brother was there.  And me, Mr. Brooks, and the kids were all there?  Remember that?"  She thought for a moment and said "Yes, I remember that."  I said "Well, Ray was at the head of the table, I was on his left, and Mr. Brooks was my left.  We were all squished together and Ray...he started groping me under the table."  And my mother's immediate response was to say "Maybe he thought it was the table leg?"  And Christmas, bless her honest little brilliant heart, whipped around and looked at my mother and said "Who freaking gropes a table leg??!"  

It's funny.  My entire childhood was spent thinking that Christmas was mentally disabled.  I had never met her until I was an adult, but my mother spent my whole childhood telling me that Christmas was "retarded".  And she'd make a derpy face and pulled her hands up to her chest as though she had cerebral palsy.  So, I grew up believing her friend was mentally slow.  Turns out...Christmas?  Is smarter than my mother.  Always has been.  In fact, I think if we gave my mom an IQ test, it would show she was somewhat developmentally disabled.  Funny...she was talking about herself the entire time.  True narcissist fashion.

Anyways, I said "Yes, that's what I wondered in the moment, so I pulled my legs away.  And instead, he just pushed himself closer to me and did it again.  And you know it was abusive, and not meant in any way to be hot or consensual, because when I turned to look at him when he was doing it, he was laughing and talking to everyone else, as though he wasn't doing anything at all under the table."  She replied "I would have said something.  I would have jumped up and called him out on it!"  No she would not have.  But that's besides the point.  I replied "That wouldn't have worked.  Him carrying on those conversations gave him plausible deniability.  If I had shouted or called him out on it, he would say 'I am sorry, that was an accident!'  And he'd have witnesses to it, as everyone would say 'He was just talking to us, there was no way that was on purpose!' And nobody would have believed me.  I may not have believed me.  I would have thought I overreacted and gaslit myself into believing it.  The only thing I could do was to get up and leave and then embarrass him later by calling him out on it.  Which I did."  (I did not use the big words with my mother or Christmas...they wouldn't have known what I meant, but I said something similar that was more to their understanding levels).  

So Christmas asked me what I did.  I said "Last year I sent his niece a Christmas card.  And I told her exactly what he did that day.  I also told her that if anyone else in her family has ever accused him of anything, or if she, herself, had ever had him do something to her, to know he's capable of horrible things.  And to believe whoever has come forward."  His niece, Debbie, is older than me, so I wasn't sending a card to a kid or anything.  And Ray is probably in his 80's now.  They both were surprised he did such thing and I know Christmas believed me, but since my mother adores Ray, she will put it to the back of her mind and promptly forget about it.  AND she will make a point of bringing him up from now on, just to hurt me, just like she does with my cousins.  

Then my mother switched the conversation to something weird, because of course she did.  She liked Ray.  She doesn't like conflict when it doesn't involve her.  

Before this conversation that I joined in on, my mother was busy running her mouth.  She's as quiet a church mouse (why is that a saying? mice are not quiet....) the rest of the time, but the minute she has an audience for her show, she will turn it on full force.  Poor Christmas could barely talk herself as my mother kept talking over her.  The exaggerations.  The lies.  And mostly, the things made to make me sound like a bad caretaker.  But, as in true covert fashion, she didn't just come out and say it.  She hinted to it (something she does quite regularly now, usually about the food I feed her).  

First, she kept talking about how freezing her room was.  Like the point of it being horrible.  I was confused, she never told me her room was freezing.  She just kept talking about it, of course loud enough for me to hear it, but also adding in that I won't let her keep her door open, so then it becomes my fault. 

The thing is, had she told me it was so cold in her room (the oven was on, and that makes the heater not turn on...it's a bad layout for all the houses in our neighborhood), I would have kept my dog in my room so she could have her door open.  The reason her door has to stay shut is because of my dog.  He will a) go in and eat all the cat food and b) harass the one cat who he hates (for good reason...as the cat used to attack him for no reason--like the cat would stalk him and then jump on him and literally attack him...he no longer does this, nor would he ever do it again, but my dog doesn't know that LOL).  But no, she just sat and suffered and didn't say anything so she could bitch about it later.  She had no idea Christmas was coming over, she wasn't even saving it for her.  I bet that was a nice surprise for her.  A nice outlet to pour all her narcissistic supply into.    

Then she started in on how I was keeping her from going to her regular foot doctor appointments and how bad her foot is.  Saying she has a reoccurring issue and how bad it is and how I kept pushing back her appointments due to the fact we didn't have access to our car and how she went an entire year without seeing him once.  I knew this wasn't true, so I got on MyChart and looked up and saw she saw him three times last year, which is her normal amount of times seeing him, and WTF.  Why is she flat out lying like that?  Yes, we did have to reschedule a few times, that happens.  I have to reschedule next week's appointment, too.  But she still gets in as soon as they allow.  I also checked 2024 and she saw him three times that year, too.  It's insane how much she lies.  I told Christmas a few days before on the phone that my mother's dementia is not at fault for these things.  I told her she will flat out lie for attention or whatever else reason.  Now I have to call Christmas and tell her about this, because we were just discussing how her doctor refused to refill her medication one time and how I had to go down there and force them to refill it and she said "Yeah, your mom blamed you for it.  She said you're the one who messed up her medication and that you knew it was due and just put it off and didn't do what you were supposed to."  I said "How can that even be possible when my mother doesn't have anything to do with her meds at all, other than take them?  Even if that were true, which it's not, how would she know that?  I was trying to get her meds refilled, her doctor refused to refill them, and I had to make them...end of story."  She already all this, but still.  My mother just likes to take the nice things I do for her and throw me under the bus.  

And THIS is why I never tell her anything, not even about her own medical care, until the moment she needs to know.  From now on, if something like this were to happen again or if her new doctor (who is a fucking idiot) does something bad enough to make me have to switch, I won't tell her.  I will just bring her to the new doctor and say "Oh, the last one left.  This is your doctor now."  Or if they mess up her meds, I will say "Oh, the pharmacy was just out of them".  I won't tell her the lengths I go for her.  I won't tell her how hard I work to keep all her appointments going and how hard I juggle the schedules of FIVE people that I am responsible for.  Not only does she not care about all the things I do for her, and everyone else in my house, she will use my vulnerabilities against me.  Apparently, even still today.  

She also babbled about a whole bunch of other stupid things, usually putting me and my care of her, at the forefront.  Like how I tell her she can't go to the store with us because she'll get covid, but we constantly go to the store and bring covid back to her.  I looked at her and said "What are you talking about?  That was back in 2020 during lockdown.  AND the reason why I said you couldn't go to the store was because you're a baby and you don't listen and you constantly touched your face.  You did it on purpose because I told you not to.  You're obstinate."  She smiled and laughed and said "Oh, I know!"  Wtf?  Then I added "Well, we never once brought covid home from the store.  Mr. Brooks got it at work every single time we've had it."  She just wanted to bitch that we still don't take her to the store.  But she can barely walk most of the time, so she never even wants to go to the store.  But that's her schtick.  "They don't let me go anywhere."  You have two knees that don't work and are excruciatingly painful and you can't get replacements, and because of that, you choose not to go anywhere, you crazy old bat!  Ugh!  But of course, it's my fault.  Because that's how it is.  I am her forever scapegoat.  

When I joined the conversation, then I finally got her to stop bringing me up...well...besides one thing.  My stomach hurts just thinking about it.  "I remember when Shay was little, she wasn't quite two, and she once accused me of molesting her.  Do you remember that, Shay?  Do you remember when you did that?"  

Uh...........

..................?

What. 

The.

Actual.

Fuck.

I just left the room.  My stomach dropped to the floor.  This is what happens when your parent has dementia and/or is a narcissist.  They let out things nonchalantly either are not appropriate to talk about with company or just blurt out things that are a big freaking deal, like they aren't one.  But, as it turns out, as usual, my mom was overblowing and exaggerating the situation.  

Apparently I was getting out the tub and she was drying me off and I said "Oh, you touched my private parts".  She said "Sorry."  And that was that.  What the fuck?  Why bring that up?  Yes, we were talking about Ray, but what on earth did that have to do with anything?  And why would you say that I accused you molesting me??????  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! 

Here's the thing.  SOMEONE did molest me as a child.  It was either my father.  My grandfather (my mother's father).  Or my uncles (my mother's sister's husband or my mother's brother).  OR it was my mother.  I suspect all of them and I can't tell you which one did it.  BUT I will say, the biggest sign points to my uncle (so cliche, right?).  My mother's sister's husband.  But my dad did things, my grandfather did things, my mother has done things, and my other uncle had done things, all inappropriate with me.  And all have signs and symptoms of being molesters.  Could they all have done something to me?  Yes.  It's very likely.  But there's only one who gave me my signature stomachaches when I can tell a person wants to hurt me.  And that's where they (my stomachaches) began: with my aunt's husband.  I hated that man with a passion and REFUSED to let him anywhere near me.  Now THAT is a real sign someone has hurt you.  Or wanted to hurt you and you picked up on it.  I've gotten that stomachache too many times to count and it's always been right.  And I trust my gut because of this.  

And for her to nonchalantly just say that?  That's so fucked up.  Granted, I don't know how at less than two years old I knew about "private parts", because I assure you, I did not.  I know my mother is full shit and I was probably a lot older when that happened.  If it happened at all.

So, here's my thing.  I think my mother brought it up to hurt me.  Because what a stupid question that would be to ask me (twice) if I remember saying that to her.  Why would I remember that?  First of all, I was so young but secondly, it doesn't even sound like a big deal.  She even told Christmas a long time ago that my cousin told her that I said in one of my blogs (that were anonymous) that my uncle most likely molested me.  And my mother's response was to roll her eyes and say "Oh I know, she said that years ago.  She loves to say things like that."  I have NO recollection of ever telling my mother that.  If I did, I was a child.  And if that's the case, then WHY ON EARTH WAS THAT MAN ALLOWED IN OUR HOUSE EVER AGAIN???  And why didn't my dad kick his ass?  My mother most likely never told him.  She obviously didn't believe me, because she's dumber than sack of doorknobs.  She's incapable of protecting herself, much less a child.  So, of course she didn't do anything about it...if that actually ever happened.  Remember, my mother is a well-known liar.  So I wouldn't put it past her to have made up most of what comes out of her mouth. 

And here is the other thing I've been thinking about...why would she ask me that since the issue was so benign?  Is she just so stupid that she thought that was something to include in the conversation as though it was important?  OR was she testing me?  To see what I remembered about back then?  Did she hurt me?  Did my father hurt me?  And maybe she wanted to know how far back I remember?  If she was a normal person with normal intelligence, I would actually wonder this.  But my mother is a freaking moron.  I am not saying this to be mean, she really is one.  There are kind souls who are dumb.  Those people are so innocent and sweet and you just want to protect them like a child.  But then you have people like my mother, who are dumb and mean.  So, you just have to laugh at them.  They think they're getting away with something, but in reality, everyone in the room is smarter than them, so everyone can see what they're really doing.  So, my guess is that it's the first one.  She wanted to join the conversation and relate something to herself, and saw it as an opportunity to do so, no matter how stupid it was.  

But there's always this nagging feeling: what if she's an evil genius and all this dumb stuff is just game or a ploy to throw off off her evil plans?  

Hahaha!  Just kidding.  She's actually that dumb.  No evil genius can pretend to be dumb for over 40 years without someone noticing something.  

Anyways, yeah.  That was a fun Sunday.  I hope Christmas doesn't come back for a month.  She usually only visits that much, so that's good.  Usually my mother is pretty docile, even when Christmas visits, but this time?  I do not know what got into her.  She worries me.  That she's going to start up her bullshit about me again.  But I'll put a stop to it if it does.  I will be MUCH more direct this time.  I will sit her down WITH Christmas and say "Look, you keep telling your friend terrible things about me, and it needs to stop.  If you want to keep living in this house, young lady, you will abide by my rules."  LOL  Or rather "If you want to say living here and not be put into a home, you'll quit this shit.  I do NOT have to do be doing all that I do for you.  Right now, you have your cats, freedom to do whatever you like in your yard, plant things, sit out and relax, all the books you can read, all the videos games you can play.  If you go to a home, you will no longer get to go outside whenever you like.  You won't have your cats.  You won't have unlimited books.  You won't have the snacks you like.  You won't have video games.  And you can't plant anything.  You'll be stuck doing whatever they have available to you.  Is that what you want?  I know that talking shit about me makes you feel better about yourself.  But if that's what you want to do, you'll have to do it from a nursing home.  Because I will not take care of someone who's so ungrateful that despite all I do for you, you will stab me in the back whenever you get the chance."  

I am sure that would put a stop to it.  I also will probably tell my mother, in front of Christmas, that all the phone calls are recorded (they aren't) so that way she can't blame Christmas for telling me the truth (she always tells me when my mom talks shit).  Christmas always worries about my mom getting angry with her (which is silly, as my mom is a terrible friend to her).  And that will also keep her line, too LOL  

But let's just hope she won't go back down that old route and instead just sticks to the rivers and lakes she's used to.  Which is her and Christmas gossiping about the people from their past. 

Don't go chasing waterfalls, ma, or else its Shady Pines for you.  (Though I probably wouldn't put her in a home right away, it would just an incentive for her to be nice, but I will rejoice the day that happens).  

Welcome to the first post of 2026!  And this year is all about exposing truths.  And our first truth is what "reverse narcissism" really is.  

If you haven't heard of "reverse narcissism", it isn't a clinical term, but it often refers to style of severe covert or "vulnerable narcissism", where individuals appear humble but secretly crave admiration; or inverted narcissism/echoism, where people excessively prioritize others' needs, neglecting their own, sometimes becoming self-sacrificing and enabling mistreatment.  The former is a real form of narcissism, where the latter?  Actually isn't.  Rather, it's just severe codependency/fawning (not that that is an excuse for allowing bad behavior/abuse).

What Reverse Narcissism Actually Is

Let's start with codependence, because that's where RN (reverse narcissism) starts.  Codependence in narcissism is described as "a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior, such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, toxic behavior, or under-achievement, but also loses themselves in the wants and needs of the narcissist".  

In narcissistic terms, codependents are the narcissist's "flying monkeys" and enablers that allow them to behave badly, which includes abuse.  In family dynamics, this usually is one parent (if both parents don't have NPD), or someone's sibling, or some other family member(s).  

But codependency is not the only aspect to this style of narcissistic behavior, but it is a core one.  Another aspect is the fact that the RN uses the narcissist for their own supply.  They can be just as manipulative, and they can enjoy the same things the narcissist does (manipulation, triangulation, gossip, harm to the target, exploitation, etc.), but usually not for the same reasons.  A narcissist enjoys these things because they have a deep-seated need to control, due to the fact that their operating system runs on dominance.  An RN controls because they have a deep-seated need to control, due to the fact that their operating system runs on connection.  And if that connection has a threat of being severed, their reaction may be the same as a narcissist's, but usually to a lesser degree and usually in a different way.  

Let's take my mother's best friend Christmas, for example.  I've talked about her quite a bit on here (just search her name in the search box), always pendulating between thinking she's an RN and not.  I now realize she is an RN, but not an actual narcissist.  See, Christmas, when my mother broke her connection to her over and over again (discarded her), she didn't act out, she didn't try to put my mother in jail (like the time my mom tried to put their other friend in jail just because the other friend forgot to take her out to dinner), or call and have her debit card turned off (like my mother did with me) or any other batshit crazy reaction.  But didn't go gentle into the night either.  She raged.  She reacted.  And she not only turned against her, but she started her own sort-of smear campaign against her (which my mother fully deserved).  And she chose me to be friend and started hanging out with me.  But the moment my mother wanted her back (meaning she cycled through all the other people), Christmas went running back, pooper-scooper in hand, to shovel all that shit back under the carpet, as though it never happened.  And I was the one who was discarded by both of them.   

See, they act the same, but don't have the same reactions, nor do they have the same motivations.  When my mother feels discarded, she's acting from a wound of abandonment (as all narcissists are), but that abandonment also means a loss of control and dominance.  Whereas when Christmas feels discarded, she's also acting from a wound of abandonment, but since she has actual empathy, she has limits to what she'll do in retaliation.  She's more likely to seek out others who have been hurt by the narcissist who hurt her and commiserate with them, whereas before, she could never see it, not until she was hurt herself.  

The blindness of an RN to a narc's behavior is not due to the same reason an actual narcissist will excuse another narcissist's behavior.  Here's how you can tell the difference between narcissistic RN or a strictly codependent RN: 

• a narcissistic RN (a real reverse narcissist) will allow the bigger, badder narcissist to hurt you and not only join in, but they will hurt you on their own by either triangulating you, starting their own lies about you (usually to tell the bigger, badder narcissist), tearing you down, telling on you, or use other forms of abuse; their need to also dominate you can be pretty obvious.  
• a codependent RN (a pseudo-reverse narcissist) will allow the bigger, badder narcissist to hurt you (usually out of fear for their own safety or having their own trauma reactivated), but they have a conscience and empathy, and sometimes will try to defend you; they do not want to hurt you on their own (or at all), though sometimes they will still hurt you behind your back due to the fact they feel the need to be in the narcissist's good graces in order to not activate their abandonment wounds (they are using fawning as a survival strategy).