First, an update from my last post: I never confronted her about anything because it's not worth it, and now she stole my hand soap from the kitchen.  She keeps stealing bottles of things: my facial wash, my expensive shampoo, a bottle of my son's something-or-other from the bathroom, and now my hand soap from the kitchen.  Oh, and apparently my sunglasses and my garage door opener.  Either I have a super weird poltergeist, or my mother is just being weird and throwing away our items.  I mean, it could go either way at this point.  

Anyways, my birthday just passed and guess what?  I got a letter in the mail.  

A year ago I told my birthmother I no longer wanted contact with her.  You can read about that here.  I felt I had a good reason for doing so, but it always was in the back of my mind to wonder if I was overreacting or not.  Whenever you go no contact with someone in your family, that's always in the back of your mind.  Well, that is, until they do something crazy.  And then you realize you made the right decision.  Well, this letter cemented the reason I went no contact.  

At first I wanted to read it, in case it was nice and apologetic.  But I also wanted to stick by my choice of going no contact.  So, I compromised and had my husband read it instead LOL  And yeah, the look on his face said it all.  

Me: "So, it's bad?"

Him: "Uhh, you could say that.  It's not good, I'll say that."  

Me: *sigh*  "Great."  

So then I compromised even more and took pictures of it, didn't read it myself, and sealed right back up and wrote "Return to Sender" on it and sent it back.  The funny thing?  She didn't put a return address on it.  So I looked up her address and wrote it on myself.  I assume she should have it by now.  If not, then soon.  

My first gut instinct was to be pissed that she wanted to run my birthday by sending me a shitty letter near my birthday.  And that's still my feeling about it.  But my second gut instinct was that she sent it in retaliation for me sending her my "no contact" email right after her friend died.  I cannot help that her friend died close to my birthday and my birthmother decided to send it on my birthday.  And my third gut instinct was to read the damn letter.  So, I did.  

Dear Shay,

This IS important. 

I had to let some time pass before rereading your email, as it kept gnawing at me.  And I need to lay this to rest.  I don't mean to make you upset (yes you do, otherwise why send it in May?), but I do feel the need to defend myself after such a vicious attack.  

Really?  Vicious you say?  I could hardly call it vicious.  I pointed out some truths, which weren't exactly nice, but they weren't vicious and they weren't an attack.  They were the truth and they were me telling her how she hurt me.  But apparently telling this woman anything she did wrong is an "attack" (she later calls my son pointing out she forgot my 40th or so birthday him "chewing her out" rather than saying she did anything wrong).  So, we're not allowed to tell Miss Barbara she does anything wrong.  Gotcha.  Okay, well, that just 100% cements my choice to go no contact with her.  

Rather than post the single-spaced two-page letter here, I will sum it up for you: 

This letter is not an apology.  It is a defensive reframing of reality where she positions herself as reasonable and misunderstood, and I am positioned as angry, attacking, and wholly inaccurate.  My pain is minimized and reinterpreted, whereas hers, due to my "vicious attack" is front and center.  And her accountability is avoided entirely.  It was, quite frankly, childish and quite ridiculous.  And completely unexpected at the time, but when I thought better of it, actually quite expected.  I just didn't want to see this side of her.  

Here are some more points I can make about her letter: 

• She reframed my honesty as a “vicious attack” instead of pain.
• She pathologized (read: picked on me for) my anger instead of asking why it exists.
• She focused on factual defense (“only twice”) when it came to forgetting my birthdays instead of how forgetting my birthdays made me feel (though this is a lie--she forgot most years, and send my cards late--she only completely forgot twice).
• She used two particular acts of help to dismiss her longstanding emotional absence (at times, it was years when hadn't heard from her).
• She treated our relationship as equal-responsibility rather than acknowledging the asymmetry of adoption/birthparent or parent/child dynamics.  Narcissists LOVE to do this.  They will say "Well, YOU could have called ME" or whatever.  But normal parents never see it that way.  They know damn well that parents are supposed to be the ones checking on and checking in with their kids, even when their kids don't call.  
• She cared more about whether she looked bad than about how I felt about her behavior.
• She centered her intention (“that was meaningful to me”) over my experience (“that hurt me”).
• She used “people love differently” to bypass accountability for how her behavior landed.  Total narc move.
• She reframed my emotional distance as something I created, rather than something that emerged from her inconsistency and lack of caring.  Just the same as my mother used to do.
• She separated herself from my actual mother while still repeating some similar emotional patterns (dismissal, minimization, framing me as “too angry”).  Which means she said "I am not like your mother!" while acting just like my mother LOL  Funny, isn't it?  
• She claims the title of "mother" publicly while not carrying the emotional role privately.
• She reduced my lived experience to “your story,” rather than recognizing that your experience is real even if it differs from hers.
• She still never truly acknowledged the profound attachment disruption of relinquishing a bonded six-month-old child.  In all actuality, I don't think she even realizes the ramifications of her actions in the least.  
• She does not seem to understand that adoption trauma is not erased by reunion.
• She appears to think biology alone grants permanent emotional entitlement/claim, while most people experience motherhood/daughterhood as relational and lived.  And when I say "most people", I mean NORMAL PEOPLE. 
• She keeps interacting with me as though my adoption was a simple event in her past, while I have lived inside the consequences of it my entire life.  And she DOES NOT acknowledge that.  
• Never ONCE did she apologize for a single thing.  Not once.  Other than saying "I am sorry you didn't get what you needed from your mom, I really am", while accusing me of needing her to fill the space of my mother.  How freaking arrogant it is that she assumes I need her to be my mother? I HAVE a mother.  She's awful, but I never once wanted Barbara to step in and take her place.  What I wanted her to be was NORMAL.  But I am sorry she didn't get what SHE needed from HER mother to teach her how to be a good and normal person.  Geezus.  

But most of all?  She shows her own stupidity about human behavior and why we do the things we do and at the same time insults me for my human behavior.  She's shaming for having anger.  Not just about my letter, but also including my letter, but about my past on Facebook.  I used to be a different person.  I used to be involved in a very immature friendships with people who were full of chaos.  I grew up with narcissism, so I made narcissistic friends as a teen and as an adult.  So, I will say my anger was real and it was 100% warranted.  BUT, it shouldn't have been posted on Facebook.  I should have just written about it in my diary.  I learned recently that's called "victim signaling", which was something I learned to do from my mother.  It was this obsessive need for others to see my pain and validate it.  I used to call it "needing an audience for my pain".  I was taught that pain HAD to be shared for it to be valid.  I was always looking for people to say to me "You're right to feel this way!  You have every right!"  Because deep down, I didn't feel I had the right to ever be mad about someone treating me like crap.  I felt I probably deserved it.  And it fed some sort of dopamine thing inside of me every single time someone validated me.  Do you know how hard it is to have someone treat you badly and to not share it when you're feeling bad and used to doing so?  It's an addiction that I literally had to get over.  And it was one of the hardest things in my life to do.  

But instead of being nice to me back then and asking if I was okay, she attacked me for it.  Like, legitimately attacked me, being accusing and rude.  Maybe I wrote about it on this blog?  I will have to see if I can find the post if I did.  

So, I had to set her straight for the first time in my life and say "Look, you are my birthmother and you have ZERO right to tell me how to live my life.  I am not trying to be rude here, but you didn't raise me.  And our relationship is far more complicated than you're making it out to be and I need you to back off."  Or something of the sort (I think I was nicer when I actually said it).  And she ended up unfollowing me on FB because of it, so she could "protect her mental health" or something.  And eventually I ended up blocking her because I was processing my adoption and didn't want to hurt her feelings.  She was protecting herself by unfollowing me and I was protecting her by blocking her.  

We are very different people.  

I am a person with emotions.  She is a person without many emotions, or rather, with few emotions.  This is not an insult, it's the truth.  We are both autistic, but we are very different kinds of autistic.  I am a person who strives to understand other humans in the world, it's one of my main special interests as an autistic person.  Which is why I am so interested in psychology and narcissism.  SHE, on the other hand, doesn't understand anyone, no wants to even try to.  She mainly wants to pretend at all times (as a coping mechanism) that everything is fine and great and wonderful.  Unless someone supposedly wrongs her.  Then she'll chat on about it.  One time she wrote to me making fun of her close friend she went on vacation with who had severe anxiety.  I also have severe anxiety, which I had told her about before.  Tone deaf, much?  Most her emails were like that.  Tone self and selfish.  I am a person who expresses myself quite often both verbally, and in the written word.  She is a person who doesn't express herself much at all.  I am too much for her.  And she is too little for me.  We are not a match.  

So, I decided to write her a letter back.  Even though I made it look like I didn't read her letter, I wanted say "Actually I DID read it, and it sucked!" So I wrote it, rewrote, and rewrote it several more times.  Then out of the blue, it hit me: no matter what I say to her, she will not hear me.  She will never be understanding of what it's like to be the daughter of a woman who gave her up at six months old.  She will never even be sorry for it, either.  So sending her my letter is not only a waste of time and stamps, it's useless and futile.  And it will break the illusion that I didn't read her letter, which is important if I want her to realize that no contact means no contact.  

So I didn't send it.  But better yet?  I don't even want to anymore.  I don't feel the need to defend myself to someone who won't listen anyways.  My son, who has BPD, is like that in arguments.  Last night he had a FIT while we were playing Gloomhaven that I didn't put my cards where they were supposed to be and when he, in a very irritated tone, told me to move them, I said "Sorry, I just didn't do it yet" rather than saying "I forgot."  I didn't forget I that's where they needed to go, I just forgot to move them yet.  He was accusing me of completely forgetting that they even went there.  So when I said "I didn't forget" I wasn't making an excuse for myself, I was defending what I thought he was accusing me of.  And the entire night was ruined because he started screaming and went totally bonkers over the entire thing.  And every time I tried to talk, he accused me of steering the conversation the way I wanted it to go and blah blah blah blah.  So I had to sit there, seething, saying nothing.  If I shake my head because I disagree, he'll start screaming again for me to "not interrupt him".  It's crazymaking.  But with him, there is no defense you can use with him when he's like that.  He will twist what I say to adhere to his narrative.  Just like Barbara did in her letter.   So, I stay quiet until I can leave the situation.  

But here's the difference between these two situations: BPD (alone, not comorbid with NPD) has instances of these situations where they act irate and don't listen to reason.  So does NPD.  But...with BPD?  It ends and they look back and say "Oh wow, I was wrong".  It took years for my son to get to that point (him growing up and also having an BPD diagnosis), but he usually comes to me later and apologizes and says "I don't know why I get like that?  What causes this?"  And we can talk about it.  Whereas with NPD?  They will never admit they are wrong.  They will never say "Oh wow, I overreacted".  They will not only never ever admit they were wrong or did something wrong, they will never even listen to your side.  And if they do?  It's a con.  It's a con to use against you later for some other reason.  BPD can do that too, but usually only to use when they're dysregulated.  NPD builds a profile on you the way advertisers do so they can use that info any time they like.  They'll catch you by surprise, letting you know that they've always been waiting for this moment, they're in it for the long game.  

So the letter sits on my computer, unsent, and probably will never be sent.  I will only take action if someone from my birthfamily reaches out to me.  They won't.  And that's okay.  Even my grandma stopped sending me birthday cards and mother's day cards and Christmas cards.  This chapter of my life seems to be over.  I am actually happy Barbara sent me that letter.  Yes, that's her real name, I don't care about protecting her identity anymore.  She doesn't protect mine.  I am happy because she proved me to me that my instinct to go no contact with her was the right thing to do.  I will never have to second guess myself.  Though the funny thing is: I actually never did.  I was glad of it.  It felt peaceful.  Any new letters will probably go right into my burn bin.  I don't live in her version of make believe.  And I needed to stop letting her make me feel bad because of her choice to live there.  

Then came my actual birthday and I woke up pissed.  I haven't been angry on my birthday in YEARS.  And this year, I was.  It was Barbara's letter that did it.  And then my husband alluded to the fact he didn't do anything for my birthday.  And I was hurt again.  But I didn't let my day get ruined.  I did some stuff to get my brain feeling better and then my family actually made it a wonderful birthday.  I thought I was beyond being disappointed on that day.  I thought I was past it.  But it crept right back, hence me needing to go no contact with her (she was a part of that disappointment...because she always forgot my birthdays).  But it ended up being so lovely, because I did my part of doing what I needed to do to change how my brain was feeling that day.  Had I let myself stew all day?  I would have ruined it.  Just like every year for YEARS.  But I didn't.  And it turned out so great instead :)  

This is my path to healing myself from narcissistic abuse.  

And I can finally see that it's working.  

I haven't gotten video of her going into my room, BUT I did get something else.  

I took the two things she "replaced" after stealing them years ago, and I placed them on the table near where she eats.  I've done this for several days. I remove them after she's done with dinner.  She can clearly see I am doing it on purpose, as when she eats breakfast, they are no longer there.  But each night at dinner, they reappear.  

If I confront her directly, she will deny it.  So instead, I leave them out so she can clearly see that I caught her.  And that I know it's her.  

And then today, she came knocking on my door to show me her books.  She said: 

"Hey Shay, I have something to show you.  I'll have to show you out here since you don't want me in your room." 

If you've been here, you know my mother ALWAYS tells on herself.  And that was what she was doing when she added that part in.  She NEVER says that out loud.  Plus, that would mean she would have to open my door and come in, something I've never allowed her to do (once I got a lock on my door).  It's been like five years, so why would she say that now?  Yup.  Because I've called her out on her coming into my room when I am not here.  

To me, that's her confession.  

Though, I will still put the items out in the kitchen until she actually addresses them.  Until then, I am locking her access to anything that's mine, per my therapist's instructions.  Ugh that feels like a lot of work, but I am down for it.  Otherwise it will drive me insane think she's sneaking into my room if I forget to lock it.  Or throwing my items away in my bathroom (like she did before).  I bet it's been going on for years, under the guise of "being docile" so I trust her.  

I don't need to confront her or argue with her about it.  I will just leave those items out until she has had enough and tells on herself.  She always does.  

but I am beyond confused.  And the only real explanation seems to be one that I cannot wrap my head around.  And I don't know why, because it's not out of the realm of possibility for this to happen.  My mother is a liar, this I know.  And she has stolen things from me before.  But not like this.  Not sneaking into my room when I am not home and hiding items that I need, and then sneaking back into my room and replacing them in weird places.  

I have no proof.  Not yet.  But there is no other explanation for these two things happening.  And in such a short amount of time from each other.  That says something.  That says they were both replaced at the same time and I didn't know it, or she did them both around the same period of time. 

Okay, so I lost my garage door opener YEARS ago.  I knew it was in a glasses case, so I didn't accidentally use it in my purse without knowing.  I needed something to protect it.  So, I grabbed an old hard glasses case and stuck it in there.  Then one day, the entire thing went missing.  I always kept it in my purse and I have no idea how it got lost.  And I eventually became used to just not having it and most likely will never find it.  MIND YOU, we lost this YEARS before switching bedrooms with my son.  So there was ZERO way it was in my room, as every single thing was not only gone through, but placed in my room, one item at at time.  

Then, a few years later, I lost my sunglasses.  Same thing: in a hard glasses case.  And just like that: POOF! They were gone.  I've been wondering where they've went to for years.  

Since losing the garage door opener, we switched bedrooms.  Since losing my glasses, I've cleaned out my "hoarder file cabinet", at least once, if not more than once.  My file cabinet is four drawers tall.  It blocks my door so my mother can't just peek her head in and see me.  It's filled with, from bottom to top:

Bottom Drawer: tools that I need on a regular basis, like my drill, industrial stapler, etc.

Two Middle Drawers: art books and coloring books and journals (I have far too many journals...and coloring books)

Top Drawer: random chaos (my facial moisturizer, deodorant, cotton swabs, nail polish remover, a package of Easter tea I got from Aldi we forgot to drink, etc.) and dog treats.  Also, my extra pair of glasses (in a hard case).  

I use the top drawer daily.  I get into it daily.  I rearrange it regularly.  I know pretty much where most things are in there, even though it's a mess.  So, why, when I opened it two days ago, did I see placed right on the top all the crap, was my sunglasses in its hard case?  These are prescription sunglasses, mind you.  Had they been Dollar Tree ones, like I used to have, I would not have even cared about losing them.  But I cannot wear sunglasses anymore, unless they are these.  

I immediately called my oldest son into the room and said "LOOK!!!" and pointed.  He said "What the fuck?  How on earth did they get in there??"  We ALL use this top drawer, daily.  And they were NOT there the day before.  

I am a huge glitch-in-the-matrix believer.  But this?  This did not feel like that.  This felt like a person came into my room quickly and haphazardly shoved the glasses they stole from me into my top drawer.  I half-expected my kids or hubby to say "Oh yeah, I found them (insert random place here) and put them into your drawer so you'd see them".  But nope.  Nobody had done it.  Well, nobody I asked, anyways.  

AND the issue?  Was that two days before?  That garage door opener I had lost for at least 3-4 years, I opened up my dog-walking purse (which is always EMPTY, minus the poop bags and a silicone pop-up water bowl for the dogs), and there it was.  Still in the hard glasses case I had lost it in.  

So, in two days, BOTH things came back to me, in places they certainly were not just days before.  We had gone to the park recently, and I had opened up that purse and pulled out the dog bowl from the back zipper....which was exactly the part of bag where I found the opener.  And that purse is TINY (which is why I like it--I can shove my wallet and phone into it and be on my way for walk).  So that glasses case?  Took up half of that entire area of the purse.  There is zero way I missed it....I VERY CLEARLY remember opening it, and seeing the red of the drinking bowl and the black poop bags...grabbing a poop bag and then realizing my dog carries his own poop bags on his harness and putting the bag back.  There was no glasses case in it at all.  And the case is so large, that when I picked up my purse, I immediately knew something was in it that normally wasn't, because it made the purse heavy.  

So...what the fuck is going on here?  Is my mother sneaking into my room when I am not home and taking things and then later replacing them?  

We're going to test this.  On Monday my kids and husband are going to take the dogs to the park for an hour or so.  I am going to tell my mother that we're all going and we'll be back in an hour, just in case she wonders why nobody is home.   Then, they are going to go and I am going to stay back, and sit on the couch (yes, I have a couch in my room) and wait.  If I hear her, I am going to make sure my phone camera is ready and I am going to record her coming into my room and say "Gotcha!"  OR I will hide and let her rummage around a bit, while my phone is recording her.  Then I will pop up and say "Hey, what on earth are you doing??"  

My luck she'll never do it again, and it will always be a mystery.  

But I will let you know how it goes.  And if I catch her?  I will upload the video LOL  

When my mother makes notes about what she's going to clean in my kitchen, I then run and clean it all before she can even think about trying.  Why do I do this?  Because.  My mother will use something to clean her toilet, and then use that same thing to clean my stove.  She's not allowed to clean my house because of that.  One time?  And I've written about this before.  She pulled a scrubbie out of my garbage, and then used it to wash the dishes.  I luckily caught it the same day and then pulled every single cup, dish, and bowl out of my cabinet and sanitized them.  And that was that.  She was no longer allowed to clean things in my kitchen.  

So, when I see her lists, I use that list to go clean everything on that list.  I am not trying to be mean to her.  I just cannot and will not allow her to make my house a dangerous place all because she's bored.  

The thing is, this was not her dementia that caused her to do these things.  Today?  I may suspect that.  But she doesn't make lists anymore.  Or rather, hasn't in a long time.  But when she made them and did the things I mentioned above, she wasn't that bad yet.  Because she literally dug around in the garbage bag to pull out that scrubbie.  She knew it was in there.  Or maybe she was looking for something else and found it?  I don't know.  But she is the only person in my house who would do that.  Because a) my husband and I do the dishes, not the kids, so why would we do that?  Since we're the ones who threw it away in the first place?  That makes no sense.  And b) Why would a human being pull a scrubbie out of the garbage to wash the dishes with?  If not for punishment?  What other reason would a person do that?  It was pushed to the bottom of the bag.  Let me repeat that for you: it was in the BOTTOM of the bag....on purpose, so she didn't take it (she's a garbage picker--but usually only on the top).  So if my husband and I knew the scrubbie was in the garbage, and knew it was at the bottom of the bag so she didn't take it, and it ends up back on the sink after she washed dishes with it, it's safe to say she's the one that took it out.  My kids sure wouldn't do that.  What purpose would they have to do so?  They don't clean LOL  She denies doing it, but she's also a liar.  So you can't believe it when she says pretty much anything.  

So, I don't let her clean.  If she uses a paper towel to wash the counters down or wash out the microwave, sure.  I don't care.  But the scrubbies (and all other cleaning supplies) are in a locked cabinet and when we throw them away, we take them right to the garbage cans outside.  She has zero access to them anymore.  And she hasn't for a long time. 

So when I'd see one of her lists, I would run and clean everything on her list before she even got a chance to try do it.  I could have sat her down and said "These things aren't your items to clean.  Please clean your bathroom and your bedroom, but everything else isn't yours to clean."  But if you've been here for a bit, you'd know that doesn't work with her.  That only makes her want to clean those things more.  I cannot "tell" her to stop anything.  The only thing that works is putting up a sign.  But even then, that doesn't seen to work anymore.  So, I'd just clean everything on her lists and not say a word.  Sometimes she'd complain to me about it.  But she eventually just stopped making lists.  

Was she trying to get me to clean those things, knowing I'd see it?  No.  She's literally obsessed with cleaning.  She never was when I was growing up.  I grew up in filth.  But she had this thing about pretending she was good housekeeper, but instead, she just shoved shit into cabinets, drawers, closets, and entire unused rooms.  And our carpets?  Oh god.  They were filthy.  She never thought once to remove them.  No wonder I have such allergies.  But then something changed in her and she became less of a person and more of a shell and she used cleaning as a way to bide her time.  Could be an anxiety response.  But whatever it was, it was yet another way she used to control and hurt people.  And later, moving in here with her was torture.  She then became obsessive with cleaning.  And rearranging.  And it wasn't even her stuff she loved to rearrange, it was mine.  It was bordering on insanity.  And she used every single thing she cleaned as a way to be mean to us.  Always bitching.  Always complaining.  Always obsessively worrying about what other people were doing.  

Taking away her ability to do these things has actually helped her.  She's not angry anymore.  She's bored, but she's happy.  She's no longer obsessively worrying about everything.  She's just existing in her space with her cats.  She could have always been this way, had she just allowed other people take the wheel.  But my mother used to believe she WAS the wheel and was the only person who could steer it.  But now?  Like I said, she's docile.  And maybe, in some small way, this has helped her heal from years and years and years (a whole lifetime) of trauma.  I know her trauma made her that way.  And now?  She can relax.  

Is she still a narcissist?  Yes.  But a much more peaceful one.  Even if she'd rather have her power back (meaning her power and control over others), she has no idea what is good for her (she really doesn't, she will hurt herself to make a point that "nobody can control her!").  Her pulling back into peacefulness is the best way to heal a lifetime of trauma.  And the best way to heal mine, as well.  Even though I have to do everything for her now, I still feel more peaceful myself, not having to worry about how she's going to treat me or my family from moment to moment.  

She no longer makes as many lists.  And it's really not my favorite pastime, that was a joke.  But it was my way of controlling a situation before it got out of hand.  And before she started pulling scrubbies out of the garbage again to clean my kitchen.  Which is a win in my book.  

Have you ever had a narcissist in your life, or witness a narcissist in someone else's life, do a 180 after their life circumstances have changed?  Have you ever thought to yourself "Wow, I never thought this person could change, but here they are, totally wonderful now!"?  And even though it may seem out of the blue at times, it really isn't.  If you look closely enough, you'll see that there actually was a trigger for their turnaround.  Whether it be a death in the family, losing a job, a divorce or a relationship ending, or something else equally as life-changing.  Or, in the case of my own mother, their power being taken away from them.  Take away a narcissist's power, and you take away what makes them tick.  

I've seen this happen a few times in my life, once with my mother's best friend Christmas.  Her sister was a raging narcissist, ever since birth and was horrible to Christmas.  But once their parents both died, her sister did a complete 180 and said "We are all we have left" and stopped mistreating her.  Christmas said "See?  People can change."  I didn't want to burst her bubble so I didn't tell her the truth.  If her sister could go back to who she used to be with her for any reason, she'd drop her like a hot potato and go right back to being a bully to her.  But for some reason, with their parents being gone, she didn't see her as a threat or a mark anymore.  Even though she still was a raging narcissist in every single other part of her life (such as taking out credit cards with fake names and fake social security numbers, collecting on her dead "husband's" social security, claiming to be his wife, even though they were never married, wearing wigs and committing petty crimes in various places, etc.), she saw her sister as something she could use for her own benefit, rather than bully her to make herself feel better.  But I never said these things to Christmas, as what good would that to do.  So I let her believe her sister had changed.  But the horrible truth was she hadn't and never would have changed.  

All because a potato is a potato and can never be anything but a potato.  You can dress it up with cheese or sour cream and chives, cut it into strips, mash it, boil it, bake it, slice it, and call it something different like "French fries" or something else.  But it's still a freaking potato.  And can never be anything else.  And that's how narcissists work.  They are who they are from birth to death, and will never be anything different.  

And that's because people with sociopathy, or anti-social personality disorder, are born from other sociopaths, and they develop NPD as an expression of their sociopathy.  You cannot have NPD and not be some level of a sociopath.  You are born that way and cannot get rid of it.  Just like someone with ASD (autism spectrum) cannot get rid of their autism.  It's a part of who they are, just like ASD is a part of who I am.  And I equate those with NPD as being potatoes, as they are filled with nothing but starchy boringness and they all taste the same (we're talking white potatoes here, not sweet).  Some potatoes may be delicious, if prepared properly, but that's how they get us.  We THINK they are more than just a potato, but after sitting in the fridge overnight, you pull out yesterday's baked potato, and it goes right back to tasting like a regular potato again.  And that's how they keep us coming back.  

My own mother has made this 180, as well.  She's a totally different person today than she was less than a year ago.  Hell, she's a totally different person than she was a few months ago.  She's changing to exactly what I want from her, which really sucks, because I know it's a lie.  "But can't you just enjoy it, Shay? Enjoy the good times with her?"  This is something my therapist once asked me.  I replied "Enjoying the good times is how I always get hurt.  Getting sucked into her orbit when she's being good and nice is how I always get slapped in the face when she completely reverts back to her old self.  And because it always is so abrupt, it feels like a slap in the face.  I would rather stick a low level of not enjoying her on an even keel, so that way I don't feel the up and downs of her mood swings."  I mean, at the time, I found it kind of crazy he'd even suggest that I find ways to enjoy her good behavior.  Because he knew I had a tendency to get sucked right back in when she was good, and then get slapped out when she was bad.  What bad advice.  But then again, he was full of both good and bad advice.  That's why you have to remember that therapists are humans, too, and some you have to be careful with, as they are also narcissists.  

But today, at this time, she's changing to the point I feel I can relax.   But every time I relax, she will out of the blue revert back to her old behavior, which slaps me in the face, and I have to start over again.  So, I don't let up on her.  I keep doing what I've always done, even though she's stopped doing so much of her past negative behaviors.  For one, she's stopped complaining to Christmas about me (and now she only brags about me instead, which confuses Christmas, as she's only ever heard my mother talk shit about me).  She's stopped having fits when I don't let her do the things she wants to do (like go to the grocery store--as she refuses to not touch her face at the store or wash her hands when she comes home, or piles too much sugar into her cart even though she has diabetes and has a freak out when I tell her no, or takes her mask off to talk to strangers really close to their face, etc.).  She's stopped throwing huge fits and threatening me when I don't give her access to the amount of money she wants (last year, around this time, she started asking me for $200-$300 for birthday shopping, even though most of that wasn't even for birthdays, but for her to go buy random items she didn't need, like her obsession with household cleaners and whatnot, and this went on for every single birthday last year).  Instead, she now buys $20 worth of scratch lottery tickets for birthdays (plus $20 worth for herself).  She's stopped bitching.  About everything.  My mother is someone who lives and breathes bitching.  If she's not bitching, she's not awake.  I bet she even used to dream about bitching.  But she's completely stopped.  Part of it may be due to her declining brain cognition, due to her dementia, but it also has to do with the fact I've made it impossible for her to bitch and get away with it.  Before, I'd just let it slide.  But I started creating situations in which she'd get in trouble for it or shamed for it, and she doesn't like that at all.  She even started telling me "I can't do that because I'll be bitched out for it."  And I'd reply "Me asking you stop doing something isn't me bitching you out.  It's me asking.  There is a huge difference, mom."  To her, me constantly pointing out and reminding her to stop doing something negative was me shaming her for doing that thing.  She wanted to live her life completely free of anything saying anything to her ever about anything she ever did wrong.  She just wanted to do bad things and be allowed to.  I mean, she lived so much of her life that way.  So when I refused to back down and pointed out her negative behavior every single time she did it?  That shamed her.  So she saw it as me doing something wrong.  Funny, right?  When she was the one actually doing something wrong.  But it worked.  And now she doesn't do most of those things anymore.  

It's like the time many years ago she used to call me 20-30 times in a row and hang up and call back, over and over again.  No reason she was really doing it.  She just got it into her head one day that this was appropriate to call me like that, because remember, we are all nothing more than objects to these people.  So if I wasn't available to her RIGHT IN THE EXACT MOMENT she wanted me to be (because she was so used to instant gratification), she'd call until I picked up.  That way she didn't have to wait.  Because my mother HATES waiting for anything, ever (going with her to restaurants was the worst, because she could never wait patiently for the food to come).  But by calling me over and over again, she didn't have to wait.  Remember, this was my cell phone she was calling.  It was always on me.  And she'd call me so much, that I would ignore her calls most days.  So I got on my voicemail and recorded an outgoing message: "Sorry I am not available to pick up the phone.  If this is my mother, please stop calling me 20 times in a row, and instead, leave me ONE message with what exactly it is that you want, and I will call you back later."  She called me again and said "Wow, I must have pissed you off."  She wasn't wrong, she did piss me off, because only crazy people did the things she did, but leaving that message on my voicemail stopped her from calling me like that ever again.  All she needs is someone to bring her behavior to light and it so deeply shames her that she gets offended and stops doing whatever it is.  It doesn't always work the first time, and I may have to ask her 100 times to stop, but eventually, it does work, as long as I don't let up.  Though it especially works if I point out her behavior to someone outside of our home in front of her (like her physical therapist).

She's also stopped taking my things and constantly rearranging them.  And the biggest thing?  Is that she's almost stopped having bad moods completely.  Sometimes she experiences them, but that's normal (though her bad moods are pretty mean).  But mostly, she's in a very quiet and calm.  Sometimes she gets super hyper, but thank goodness those days are few and far between.  These days, she spends most of her time just playing computer games and watching shows on her computer.  She's docile.  

But has he truly changed?  

The short answer is no.  Absolutely not.  If she had access to something or someone who gives her power?  She'd go right back again.  She is a product of her environment.  Just like Christmas's sister.  Take away a narcissist's power, and they may become "nice".  Because they have to.  The only other option is complete and total abandonment of everyone around them.  For Christmas's sister, it was losing their parents.  She couldn't get mommy and daddy to choose her over Christmas anymore, so she decided to remove Christmas from her list of scapegoats.  She had no family left.  And my mother?  She has no family that will do anything for her, other than me.  She also has no friends, other than Christmas anymore, as they've all passed away.  My mother's posse has disbanded, so she has nobody to rotate scapegoats with anymore.  Also, I have taken away any power she'd have over me, so she has nothing left.  So now?  She's nice to me.  But if I gave her some power back...she'd go right back to treating me like garbage again.  

The ONLY time I can say that narcissism might get better?  Is if their dementia gets a lot worse.  My grandma did this.  She lost all her steam once her Alzheimer's went far enough.  

Not all people with dementia get better, though.  Most get worse.  We were lucky that my grandmother seemed to do the opposite.  But my husband's mother?  Her mask has fallen and now she doesn't care who sees her true narcissist self.  It's sad.  And, if I'm being honest, a little frightening, as her blatant mistreatment of my husband is effecting him, even if he doesn't admit it yet.  My mother, on the other hand, isn't bad enough with her dementia yet.  She still has many of her wits about her and still would revert right back to mistreating me if given the option.  

Usually, what looks like change, is just the narcissist doing what they need to do in order to get what they want from you.  

And remember, friends,  a potato is always potato, no matter how you dress it up or season it.  It may look wonderful, but on the inside, it's still the same thing it was before.  And it always will be.  

I will have to say there seems to be more, but I guess many of the things I could come up with could be explained under the umbrella of these three identifications.  Because every time I think of something, I realize it fits into one of those.

I will have to say that my own childhood was predominantly in the incompetent category, but I do also have the denied childhood as well, as my parents were both pretty erratic in their behavior and both were fairly violent, mostly with words, but also physically, too.  I called it "waiting for the other shoe to drop", and that is still the same to this day.  Which is why I am around 99% grey rock with her.  

What kind of childhood did you have?  Let me know in the comments.  

This post is for the mothers (and fathers) who cross their children's boundaries as parents, and try to insert themselves as a main caretaker role of their grandchildren.  In other words, grandparents who try to parent their grandchildren, even though their children don't want them to.  This post is for moms and dads who need to their parents to back off, or else they'll go no contact with them.  This post is for sharing with your parents, in case you cannot find the right words to tell your parents what they need to hear.  

Dear my reader's Mom and/or Dad,

My name is Shay and I've been asked to help out with what's been going on.  So, I've written this little letter to help out your kids tell you what you need to hear.  So, here it goes: 

I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you're overstepping.  You have no right to get angry at your grandkids as though they are your children.  You have no right to scold them as though they are your children.  You have no right to control them as though they are your children.  You have no right to tell your children what to do with their own children, even if you do not agree with their parenting.  You have no right to to even pass judgement.  Unless your children are putting their kids in immediate danger (and let's face, most parents aren't), you need to learn to keep your mouth shut and stay out of it.  

You are allowed to be your grandchildren's safe haven, someone they can turn to who is full of love and support, but you aren't allowed to turn your grandchildren against their own parents, no matter how bad they are (or how bad you "think" they are). 

Let's get this one thing clear, shall we?  YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF YOUR CHILDREN ANYMORE.  They are grown.  They are a parent themselves.  So you have to learn to meet them on an adult level, not a level that you think you still need to parent them.  And you most definitely do not get to boss them around on what to do with their own children.  

Your kids will make mistakes.  Let them.  It's okay.  We all make mistakes as parents (and as humans).  You can give advice, but not unsolicited advice.  Your only job as a grandparent is to give your children, and grandchildren, love and support.  That's how you help them.  You don't tell them what to do.  You don't make ultimatums,  You don't threaten.  You don't get to do any of that.  If you do, your child has every right to remove themselves, and their children from your life.  And it will be 100% your fault.  Even though you will most likely blame everyone but yourself.  

Micromanaging others is not how you're supposed to live.  And it's definitely not how you should be a parent or grandparent.  Even if your unsolicited advice is well-meaning.  Every single time you do it, you're creating a rift between you and your children.  You're also creating a rift either between yourself and your grandchild, or between your grandchild and their parents.  And that's horrible.  Your children may be too polite or scared of you to tell you this, but I will do it for them: 

Get off their backs.  Find your own life to live.  And keep your mouth shut.  And your arms open.  Stop the judgement.  Stop the micromanaging.  Stop the comments.  Stop pretending that you've earned the right to tell your grandkids what to do.  Stop pretending you've earned the right to be your grandchildren's 3rd (or 2nd) parent.  You haven't.  They aren't your kids.  You didn't have anything to do with creating them or birthing them or whatevering them.  So stop overstepping.  You want love and admiration?  Then you have to be the first to give it.  Without strings attached.  I know this is going to be hard for you do.  But's its doable.  For some of you.  For most of you, someone will link you to this post and you'll be pissed off that I called you out.  And instead of changing and doing the right thing, you'll double down and do the wrong thing.  Once again.  Like usual.  But that's what we expect of you.  Because everyone around you realizes you are incapable of doing better.  

And if you're that grandparent?  I hope your kids run far away from you.  Because you are poison.  But if you think you can change and be the good kind of mother or father and grandparent?  Then listen up.  Take my words here and fix this.  Before it's too late.  Going "no contact" is a real thing that we employ in our lives to keep the poison from our parents from hurting us and our children.  And if you don't want that, consider this your final warning: shape up or you'll be shipped out.  

If you're capable of change, you're not a narcissist.  If you honestly know that you could do better and be better, then you most likely aren't a narcissist.  If you can say "Wow, I didn't mean to overstep" and actually take steps to fix it?  Then you aren't a narcissist.  And you're redeemable and you still have a chance at fixing this.  But if you can't change, or won't, or refuse to believe that you're the problem here?  Then "no contact" it is.  Again, consider this your final warning.  Because you need to listen to your kids when they tell you're hurting them.  If you don't, then they will walk away from you, and take their kids with them, because your interference in their lives has gone too far.  And if you try to interfere with that?  With the fact you can no longer see your kid(s) and grandchildren?  Then they'll get a restraining order on you.  It's as simple as that.  It's not what your kids want to do, but it may be what they have to do.  And again, it will be 100% your fault.  

This is life is about them now, not you.  You raised your kids already.  You're done.  Move on.  For those that can't (or won't) change, you think that the world sees everything through your eyes.  But in reality, it's only you.  We see right through you, too, despite how crafty you think you're being.  We know how you work.  We always know what you're going to do next, because we stopped believing in your ability to do the right thing a very long time ago.  

But if you honestly try to change and be better?  Then there will be a second chance for you.  Your kids may not completely trust you, not at first, but stay with it and stick it out.  Things will get better between you all if you keep to your word to change.  If you need to seek therapy, then do so.  But do not try to force your children to go with you.  You have to learn how to be on your own and do things for yourself.  It's the only way you can break this enmeshment you created between you and your kid(s).  Maybe you forced yourself into their lives out of loneliness?  Or maybe you have severe anxiety that causes you to micromanage the people around you?  Or maybe you just don't know any other way to be?  All of these things can be worked out with a good therapist.  So go.  Get better.  Do better.  Be better.  And watch your life become amazing.  And you'll have healthy boundaries built with your kids, too, which will make your relationship with them totally awesome!  Don't you want that?  I think you do.  

Or maybe you just want to control them?  I don't know.  I don't know you or what your deal is, but if you're reading this because your son or daughter sent this to you, then be prepared for change.  Because whether or not you agree to it, it's coming.  And unless you prepare for it, you aren't going to like it at all.  

Sincerely, 

Shay Brooks from HealingFromHer.com