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6 Signs You Need to Pay Attention to: My Narcissistic Abusive Ex-Husband

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This is from a page on Facebook called:   After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love--
Six signs to pay attention to. If you are dating someone who exhibits these signs, you may have a narcissist on your hands:

1. Deafness to what others feel, want or think. “What I want, feel, think or believe is all that matters so I don’t bother taking seriously what you say, especially when it differs from my thoughts or preferences.”
My ex NEVER cared about any of this.  If he really wanted me to shut up, he'd start making fun of me.

Narcissists think listening is like being a hockey goalie. They knock what others say away instead of letting the ideas of others enter a shared pool of information.
Yes, exactly.  I always felt so damn frustrated because talking to him was like talking to a wall.

If you say something that’s a good idea, don’t expect credit from a deeply entrenched narcissist. He is likely though to say your idea later as if it was his own.
Rather than take credit, he was like Gumby, he'd tell my idea to someone else in his family, let THEM beat it down and then come back at me with what THEY said.....even though for a few moments he'd agree with me.  He was moldable like clay by whoever he was with at that moment.

2. It’s all about me. “Since I know more, I am smarter and I am always right, I do most of the talking and that talking is mostly about me. That’s why I take up most of the air time in conversations.” Narcissistic people are sometimes, and even often, generous. The difficulty comes when what they want is contrary to what you want. Then, it’s all about them … their wants, their needs, not yours.
I HATED HATED HATED playing board games with him.  1) he'd never let the kids have leniency because they were kids, they'd have to "play by the rules or else lose".  He LOVED winning, and usually did no matter what game we'd play.  This just dawned on me.....my son used to CHEAT at every single game up until this year (he's 15).......now I know why!  That's the ONLY way he could win when he was little and learning to play games.  2) he'd rub it in your face because he'd always win.  I think he didn't like my IQ was higher than his, so then he'd try to "prove" he was smarter.

3. Rules are for others; they don’t apply to me. “I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want.” Narcissists often experience themselves as special, as above others, so rules don’t apply to them.
Yup, "I don't have to wear a seat belt, because I find the law stupid!"  He also won't pay taxes on his karaoke business. 

4. Don’t tell me your concerns. “I’m likely to get mad if you insist on having me listen to your concerns. Your concerns sound like criticism to me so I’ll want to hurt you back.” Narcissists think everything is about them, so if you try to say something about a feeling like sadness or anxiety that you have been experiencing, they are likely to hear it as a criticisms of themselves.
Oh yes.....my anxiety was a source of anger for him.  I have GAD and panic disorder and instead of helping me, it was all about him and how I was inconveniencing him.  I remember when I had to have a D&C a week after my son was born, he was PISSED because we just bought food, and he had to take me to the ER.  Also, when I was 4 months pregnant I was laying there crying because I was bleeding and thought I was losing my son.....(I had placenta previa) and said "He has to have a name, he can't die without a name...." he just ignored me and was irritated he had to be there.   And after my son was born....I got up to pee and he took my hospital bed and fell asleep in it.  When I woke him to sit back down, he refused to move.  "I was up all night!"  "Yes, dickface, so was I, but the difference is I WAS PUSHING A WATERMELON-SIZED BABY OUT OF MY HOOHA!" 

If they don’t take your feelings personally, they still are unlikely to respond with much sympathy or helpfulness. They are more likely to react with irritation than compassion because the focus is supposed to be on them, not on others.
Exactly.

5. When we have upsets, it’s always your fault. “I can’t be expected to apologize or to admit blame. I’m above others and above reproach.” Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes goes hand in hand with quickness to blame. Stay clear of blamers or ignore them. Otherwise they can be very demoralizing. Also, be realistic about their capacity for change: they are often unlikely to make bad habits better because they don’t learn from their mistakes.
Oh yes.  My son also exhibits this behavior, but he's a teen.....no matter what my ex did wrong, ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT.  To this day!  "You never come see your children and haven't in over a year."  "Oh yeah?  That's because of YOU!  Its YOUR fault!"  That's his all-time favorite. 

6. If I’m angry, it’s your fault. “You made me mad. I’m only mad because you … !” Again, blaming others is a narcissistic means of sustaining self-worth. Beware though of getting mad back at a narcissist. They’ll respond with fury. They can get mad at you (because it’s your fault if they are mad) but all hell is likely to break loose if you should dare to show even slight irritation toward them!
My ex used to call me a "fucking bitch" a lot.  LOUDLY.  When all the windows open.  It was so embarrassing.  And it was ALWAYS my fault.  To this day, he has his whole family believing its my fault.  Anytime he was angry, it was my fault.  Everything was my fault.  But oh well, he's my "ex" for a reason.
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So yes, its very relieving to know that he is a narcissist.  Because it makes realize that I am not crazy.  I knew something was not right with him.  But since it was always my fault, I never could tell what was what.  
But all of my actions were REactions to his behavior.  Eventually I'd start shit with him and cause some of the arguments, but I was tired of him.  So so so so so tired of it.  
Now I can back myself up with this info and realize while yes, I was not perfect, the main source of our issues were him.
So thank GOD he gave up his rights (his idea) and now my husband adopted the kids a few years ago.  
Now just to help my son with his tendencies......I think it runs in families, as my ex-MIL is a total narcissistic mother, and my ex is one, but I've seen these issues with my son his entire life.  I've done my best to not give in to him.....but it doesn't change his behavior.  

Although, my son did bring up that he stopped cheating....because it didn't really feel right anymore.  So I hope all of his are just learned behaviors and not born with it.....because it will be so hard for him in life.  I love my son so much and don't want to see him have the issues that other narcissists do.  But I can only do so much.  

But we'll see.....maybe he'll grow out of most of it?  I sure hope so.
Although my ex will never change, and neither will my mother, that's for damn sure.  But I don't have to put up with either one anymore.
So if you're married to one.....please find a way out.  They can't change.  Not when they're adults.  Just keep your wits and know its NOT YOU.  Its a hard thing to do, after being told for years it IS you, but I guarantee you, its NOT.  
Good luck my friends :)  And get away from your narcissists!




About Post Author

Living life with with a narcissistic parent is one of the hardest things a child can do. Because narcissism doesn't stop with mom and dad, it usually bleeds through the entire extended family dymanic. And the abuse travels with us into adulthood, usually either until the narcissist dies or we go no contact. And usually, our abuse is never talked about, for fear of retaliation or judgment. So I am breaking my silence and showing the world what my mother's abuse looks like so maybe others will feel strong enough to do the same.

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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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