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I have lived for so long not being able to enjoy parts of my life due to the fact that my mother made everything feel like a hell.

We live in the Midwest, and have four (pretty full) seasons.  But I was convinced for so long that I hate winter because my anxiety always goes batshit insane when I have to drive in icy or snowy weather.

And when my mother was in my life, I HAD to drive in icy and snowy weather.  She demanded it.  And I always felt I'd rather comply then deal with her tantrums. 

So this year, after being no contact for six months, I realize: I may not hate winter after all. 

I know as a kid I loved winter immensely!  And as I got older, I still loved it.  But when I became stuck having to drive my mother everywhere (if you've read past posts, you'd know that my mother had me fooled into believing she couldn't drive--she even drove very recklessly with us in the car every single day in order to push this lie), my love of winter went right out the window. 

My entire household joined in this hatred of the season.  So much so, that we were planning on moving to somewhere like Arizona or New Mexico just to get away from the terrible weather that winter brings.

But for the first time in I have no idea how long, I am actually looking forward to it.  To be able to live without the constant fear of her calling me up and demanding I run her errands or to take her to doctor's appointments, it's unbelievable how much better I feel without all that pressure (and the constant foreboding I'd wake up with each morning). 

This leads me to wonder: what else has she taken away from me?  From my family?  What else have we been missing out on because of her behavior? 

The idea of leaving the Midwest and not having the gorgeous chilly Autumns is now a ridiculous thought to me.  The idea of not seeing beautiful snow (and yes, even the shoveling) and dressing in layers of comfy, warm swears and heavy-duty scarves just makes me scratch my head and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?"  Down south, I do not assume their leaves change each year.  I grew up with a golf course with trees as far as the eye could see as my front yard, and the idea of not seeing those reds, yellows, and oranges makes my mind boggle. 

My mother stole these things from me.  Rather than enjoying the moment I was in or the seasons that surround us, I was busy worrying about her (literally every moment of the day). 

As I sit here typing, the gorgeous damp, cool breeze of fall (at 55 degrees outside) is permeating the room through the open window next to me.  I have on my favorite sweater (the one I bought because it reminds me so much of the sweater my grandfather used to wear when I was young), and I am using the blanket I knitted (and am still knitting each year to make it bigger and bigger) as a lap warmer.  I couldn't imagine life without this weather.  Without the feelings it brings with it.  Being hot and sweaty in October just doesn't make sense to this Midwest girl.  I need my falls.  And I need my winters.  I just had myself convinced I needed something different to be happy.  Something away from my mother.

While I still want to move, I don't know if I'd go far (though anywhere is better than a block away from my mother, which is where I live now).  I'd like to stay in this climate to explore what else I've been missing for so long because of her.  What else I've been ignoring.  What else she's taken away from us.

I am learning to love life again.  The guilt is gone.  The anger is still there, but has definitely lessened.  I have a freedom I haven't ever known before.  There's no true words to explain what it feels like to have been trapped for so long and then let free (if there is, please share them with me, because I'd like to print them on a tshirt! ).  It's like a weight has been lifted and your mind is out of the fog.  You feel clearer.  Sharper.  Freer.  And you are able to enjoy normal things again.

It's like a second chance at life.  If that's the one thing I could say about going no contact, that would be it.  Because truly, it is.  Who wouldn't want a second chance at life?  I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world because of this chance.  To be rid of toxicity like that?  It's utterly awe-inspiring.

So do yourself a favor: consider going NC with your mother and other toxic people in your life (remember, I went NC with my entire family first, then old friends were narcs, then my mother, and now my narc in-laws).  So while we are surrounded by less people, we are happier than we ever have been before.  We are free. 

And you can be too 💗