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Would children benefit from knowing about narcissism?

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I've been designing shirts for my store recently, and I was ironing something on one of them, I remembered back when we had a garage sale when I was in middle school.  My friend Cindy had made these gorgeous shirts with iron on chains and she glued pretty gemstones onto them.  They were so pretty!  She was charging $5 a shirt and asked if she could put them in our sale.  My mother said yes.  But then the say of the sale came.

And, just like narcissist fashion, all of a sudden it became an issue.

"Oh, you can't charge that much money, how stupid!  Nobody will buy those!"  she spat in my friend's face.  Then my mother took my friend's shirts, that were set aside to be sold separately from the rest, and shoved them in with the twenty-five cent shirts, hoping she wouldn't notice.

What was my mother's plan?  To sell shirts that Cindy bought and decorated for only a quarter and leave her with less money than she put into them?  Why would she ever think that was okay to do to a child, let alone anyone else?

Cindy and I took the shirts out of where my mother stuck then and then placed them back in their own spot.

Anytime someone picked up one of my friend's shirts, my mother made a big to-do about it, talking down the price and the quality.  Cindy, understandably, was very depressed about the whole thing.  Until a woman came up and said "Oh wow, these are so beautiful!" and promptly handed Cindy a ten dollar bill and took two shirts.  I loved the look on her face when she looked at my mother, who of course all of a sudden acted like her shirts were awesome.

Why didn't I see it then?  Had I known about narcissism at age thirteen, I may not have been able to do anything about it, but at least I wouldn't had been fooled.  But is that really a good thing?

Not knowing about narcissism back then meant that my mother still loved me.  It meant I had a chance to be someone she eventually approved of.  It gave me hope.  Her erratic behavior made me feel insane, but I lived for the moments she pretended to love me.  Had I known back then she was pretending, what would that have done to me?  Had I known she was incapable of love, how would I have navigated my teen years?  I was SURROUNDED by narcissists, it wasn't just my mother.  I would have felt family-less, and more alone than I already did.  Because I was alone, I just wasn't aware of just how much.

Knowing her disapproval and abuse were not my fault would have made me not internalize her words as much, but is that a better trade-off then realizing  your mother doesn't love you?  And how do you not internalize that? 

I always think "I wish I would have known this when I was a kid!", thinking it would have warded off some of the heartbreak, but when I really think about it, the way I feel now, would I want to feel this way with no way out?  Would I want to have been stuck in a world with people who wanted to use my pain for their evil amusement?  You can't go "grey rock" or "no contact" when you're 13 or 15, you'll be punished (or develop deep depression).  You can't protect yourself from their abuse, knowing they are doing it on purpose to hurt you.  I think sometimes it was better to be confused about it than to know exactly why they were doing it.  Because knowing and accepting the truth is pretty traumatic in itself.  

After I found out my mother had NPD, I lived for four more years in her life, always waiting for her to snap.  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Always waiting.  And she always did exactly as expected.  The shoe always dropped.  And she always snapped.  And it was always in a mere moment.  It was never gradual, like you'd think it should be.  No, it was always like someone turned that light switch back to the off position, to turn off "nice mommy" and back to "raging bitch".  A single moment is all it ever took.  Imagine being a child and waiting for that moment. 

Although I did.  I lived that.  I lived through that with my father.  Never enjoying the good times.  Always waiting for that shoe to drop and he started drinking again.  For him to start beating my mother again.  For him to chase me around, trying to beat me, if he could "just get his hands on me".  I would get off the school bus, be all happy, skipping home down the road, nearing my house and halfway there seeing the black butt of my father's truck sticking out from the side of the neighbor's house, which meant it was in the driveway, and slowing down to a snail's pace.  I wanted to make the walk home as slow as possible, so I didn't have to go in and deal with what was going on inside of my house. 

It meant instability.  It meant possible yelling and screaming and maybe even hitting.  And it definitely meant I was going to be ignored in favor of my father.  I didn't want all her attention, but I wasn't even allowed to be in the same room as they were, because I was in the way.  Which made no sense, because how was sitting at the table in the corner of the room "in the way"?  It wasn't.  I was just in their way because I existed.  

But not knowing she was a narcissist meant that when he wasn't there, I had a mother.  A shitty one, but one, nonetheless.  Had I known, I would have felt like complete orphan.  And not even a real orphan, but one that was orphaned from love.  One that lived with those who were supposed to love her and protect her, but instead didn't love her at all and kept her around so they could hurt her.  

How is a child supposed to process that?  They can't.  I feel it's easier to believe I was the damaged one than to feel completely unloved and unwanted.  

I will say, that all this goes for only me.  I can't speak for others, because I can see where many kids already know they're unloved and would do better with knowing it's not their fault.  My own situation is different.  I just thought my parents were crazy.  Which isn't too far off from the truth anyways. 




What about you?  Would you have been able to handle knowing about narcissism and all that comes with it at a young age?  Could you have processed that your mother wasn't capable of love or empathy?  I think I knew all this back then, deep down.  But I liked lying to myself.  I mean, mothers are SUPPOSED to love their children, so me thinking she didn't, well, that was just silly, wasn't it?   At least that's what others would have told me.  


Let me know your thoughts on this.  Do you think that children or teens should be aware of NPD and if so, do you think they would benefit from it?  Or do you think it's better for them to realize the truths about NPD when they are old enough to process everything that comes with it?

I can't get angry at not realizing it sooner.  I know now, and that's all that matters.  The fact you are here reading this, means you know too.  And it's better late then never.  I just wonder what the proper age is to be told about it.


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