I am never sure anymore if my decisions are my decisions or if I am being controlled by my mother's influence. 

In the past, my mother influenced all my decisions because of two reasons: a) I was severely codependent with her and b) she would do things without my consent that influenced my life and I would would either know about it and let it be (so I didn't make her angry) or it would be without my knowledge. 

Today, I have taken back control of my life.  Or have I?

See, I can't tell anymore if I am making decisions based on what I want or making choices based upon the idea of what my mother wouldn't want.  Not that I'm going out of my way to say "Oh, she wouldn't want me to do this, so let's do it!"  It's more about the fact she'll suggest something, and I will always be dead set against it.  I can't tell if that feeling is really my rational brain speaking (because much of what she wants to do anymore is irrational), or if it's just my obstinate tendencies rearing their ugly heads due to my being controlled by her my entire life. 

As a teen, I had ODD.  It was the puberty onset type (which is usually caused by parenting, the other kind of ODD is the kind you're born with due to autism/ASD).  I still have issues when I feel like I'm being controlled for no reason.  It's a trigger of mine due to the fact I was controlled my entire childhood, teen years, and even as an adult by my mother.  So when she takes over whatever is going on in my life, and tells me what to do, I can't tell if I am disagreeing with her because I don't agree with her or because I don't want to be controlled anymore. 

It's a strange state to be in.  Then I start to wonder if she's doing it on purpose so I do the opposite of what she says (which I know is silly, because she's only telling me what to do in order to disagree with me in the first place).  But it triggers me, no matter the reason, which I know is what she wants.  And she wins every single time. 

I wish it didn't trigger me.  As I said in my last post, my therapist says to put these instances on a scale from 1-10 and anything over a 5 deserves my attention, anything under a 5 says to let it go.  And it works.   But I don't always remember to use it.  Especially in instances like today, when I'm sick.  I felt like crud off and on today and didn't have the mental capacity to think my way out of being annoyed.  But even if I hadn't been annoyed, my decision would have been and always will be to choose my first choice, and not take into consideration her input. 

But then I think about my own kids: if I were in the position as my mother, would I give a different opinion on what my kids wanted to do?  And I know the answer is no.  I normally do not sway my kids on their choices unless I think their choice is dangerous or could have bad results (like them getting hurt).  Again, do I do this because I am an understanding person or because I don't want to be my mother?  I guess it doesn't matter, as not wanting to be my mother means I don't want to do the wrong things in life, so that's not so bad. 

Now, if my kids came at me today with the suggestion on the choice I made, I may have listened to them.  Hell, I may have agreed with them.  But it wasn't them.  It was my mother.  It's not a big deal, doing it my way.  I can always change it later.  But I still feel that I am being controlled by her, even when she's not controlling me (I making it happen this time).  And I don't want to let her make the choice for me because then I will resent it, even if it's not a bad choice, just because I felt like I was giving into her.  Stupid, I know.  But that's how it is right now. 

The only thing I can do is use that scale and see this as the number it is, which is a 1.  I can make my choice, follow through with it, and let go of her words.  Because I have to remind myself: this was my choice to begin with.  Nothing has changed.  If I pretend she had said nothing, this wouldn't even be an issue right now.  And that's how I have to play it so I can work on letting her words roll off my back and not care anymore.  Easier said than done, but it's doable.  Eventually.  One step at at time on the path to healing, right?  This is step one.