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Today she realized I had found all her hidden packs of cigarettes.  She asked me where they were and I said in my room.  She said if I had thrown them away, I'd owe her money.  I said no I wouldn't, as I had paid for most of them myself.  And even if I hadn't, I still wouldn't owe her, because she hid them from me, like a child.  She said well you went looking for them, and I said of course I did, because I know how she thinks and she's like a little girl hiding stuff from mommy.  I said I'd give them back to her, but since she hadn't smoked for a month, I didn't want her to be tempted to go right back and then try to hide her smoking from me.  Because I knew she would.  

Then she asked me where her money was.  I told her she had her own debit card, the pin is the same as her last card at her old bank, and she'll get $100 out of every single check (she gets two a month) to spend any way she wants.  She looked at me dumbfounded and said "Why so little?"  I was like who do you know that has more than $200 a month to spend any way they want to?  Most people in our income bracket do not get anywhere near that much.  I told her that my husband had gotten a better job, so we no longer have food stamps, so she has to pitch in money for food now.  Also, she's shit at saving and always messes up paying her bills, and she refuses to play on important things like "life insurance" and "car insurance".  Remember when her car got busted up in 2019?  She had no insurance for like SIX months!  This is normal for her, not dementia.  When I got into a car accident when I was eighteen, same thing.  She hadn't had car insurance for a fucking year!  So now she gets an allowance and I keep her money in our shared account and I pay ALL her bills (she has a LOT of racked up bills, including credit cards) and the rest goes into savings.  She was like "Okay." 

Well, geezus.  That was easy. 

She seemed a little out of it today.  Like she couldn't use her words properly.  And ever since her diagnosis of dementia many years ago, she's been having issues with inhibition.  She says things she'd normally think in her head and doesn't even realize she's doing it.  One thing she does regularly is out loud fat shaming strangers.  But today, she literally said something to my face that she's never said before.  So I shaved my head a few days ago.  And every day since she's been home, I've worn a scarf on my head.  But today, after our above conversation, I walked out without it on and she squealed like a little girl, all about how awesome my hair looked.  It was over the top and totally not realistic, like she was making up for how much she didn't like how I looked.  But it was okay, but then she said "Oh my god, you can do anything and still look good!  You can even be fat and look good!"  She then pulled back a little bit, as though she realized what she said, but then moved onto another subject.  I almost started laughing, but I held it back, and waited  until she left to go into her room to ask my husband what he thought of what she said.  He replied "Well, at lest it was a sort of compliment?" and then we both burst into laughter. 

I am not sure if it was malicious.  I am sure maybe, deep down it was, but I am definitely sure it was on accident, as my mother has never once called me fat, even though I've been fat since around the time I turned thirty (before that I was anorexic and hated my body something fierce).  Her dementia breaks down her walls of inhibition and she just blurts things out that in the past she'd never say in a million years.  Well, to your face.  Like now she's obsessed with how our two sons eat (they are men, need I say more?) and she'll comment on how fast they "scarf something down" or say other things that are even more rude.  This is why I hate taking her in public.  She's embarrassing and I always have to run behind her to apologize to strangers for her mouth. 

Today (now a day later from earlier in the post) she's been asking me to buy her things, as though her $200 a month allowance should not have to cover things such as plants she wants to buy and magazine subscriptions.  I am okay buying her these things, but they will come out of her money, as she can't expect me to use household money to pay for trivial items such as those.  Now, if she ran out of money and asked me to get them for her, I would most likely (if i had it) buy them for her out of either my personal money or our household money and would have her pay me back later (or maybe not at all).  But to ask me before she even attempted to use her own money?  Yeah, no.  She'll soon learn how this will all work. 

The most disturbing thing that happened since she came home was today she asked me to for her cigarettes back.  Which I gave to her.  But one the condition that she not put half smoked cigarettes on the shelf by the back door.  They fucking stink!  She'll pick off the end of her lit cigarette with her fingers, which makes her body and fingers REEK like nasty smoke and then place the half smoked cigarette on that shelf.  Which smells horrid every single time I open the back door to let our dogs out.  So that's not the disturbing part.  The disturbing part is after I said it she just literally stared at me with a blank look for around thirty entire seconds and refused to respond to me.  I stared back for a moment and when she didn't say anything I said "Um, what are you doing?"  No response.  "Are you okay?  What's wrong with you?  Why are you staring at me?!"  No response.  Then she shook it off and said "Oh, I didn't understand what you're saying."  I legit thought she was having a stroke (maybe she did?)!  But at the same time, fear washed over me and I thought she was going to snap and start beating me!  She's done the sociopathic stare to me before, but this was so much more unnerving.  I am not sure if she was having a dementia moment or if she was super pissed and trying to control herself.  Whatever it was, it freaked me out. 

Another sign her dementia is progressing is that she has been spacing out a lot.  This is getting progressively worse as time goes by.  And this could have been the same as that.

This is why I blog.  From the beginning this blog has been about me chronicling her behavior for my own memory and other purposes.  Then, after going no contact, it became about helping my readers find peace in their own lives with their narc moms and families.  Now that I have to keep her in my life, it's about both.  So forgive me for the posts rambling about my day-to-day experiences.  I apologize for the long boring entries LOL  But these posts are more for me to document what's going on with her than they are about me writing for an audience.  That's what my memoirs are for (to entertain you with).  I am almost done with my first (I started working on it last spring when we moved in here), and I am hoping it will be available later this year for you to read.  Once my memoir is available for purchase, my second blog will be available, which will go with my memoirs.  That one will contain memoir writing advice and more life stories that I don't put in my books.  It's already pretty full, and I can't wait to get everything released.  So bear with me, fellow ACoNs.  I shall try to entertain you in a better way soon LOL   

For now, I am still chronicling my daily adventures with her, because I need somewhere to store all this crap.  And if you're reading it, I hope it's helping you in some way, shape, or form.  I do know it helps me to get it all out of my head and into the computer.  So thank you for putting up with it. 

 


 

So I was all zen and centered and prepared for this, but then yesterday my anxiety went completely out of control and then this morning it was better, but I still felt bad.  But she's home now and has been good and hasn't asked about a lot of stuff yet, so everything has gone pretty smoothly.  Although she's done nothing but brag about herself since getting home, stating how much of a "bad ass" she was while there.  Sure, ma, sure.  You're a badass.  Okay.  LOL  I just laugh and nod and change the subject.  

I'm gearing up for it though.  The "talk".  I took over her finances while she was incarcerated in physical rehab and I know when she finds out she won't be happy.  Or maybe she won't care one bit.  That's how it is with her, you just never know.  We cleaned her room, washed her bedding, put up new blinds, rearranged her room to fit all her cat tower in there, and now she's happily  napping with all the cats in her room and on her bed with her.  And there's a lot of cats (though hers keep dying off, so I actually have more cats than she does right now).  And after cleaning her room, we've come to realize there will never be another cat in our house, because they are disgusting creatures.  I love my cats, we all do in our house.  We love them a lot.  But I refuse to get anymore, ever.  Cats are gross and do bad things when you're not looking.  Like the pile of cat feces we found under my mother's bed when I was making her bed this morning.  Geezus.  

Anyways, it's smooth so far.  But it won't stay that way.  It'll be no different than before, good days and bad days.  I'm going to try to be more lenient with her leaving the house though, to give her more reason to be happy.  She got her vaccines and as soon as we all get ours, she'll be able to go to stores again.  

I know, though, for a fact that the worst part of taking over finances will be the fact she can't go grocery shopping anymore.  She doesn't buy things for the family, she buys the same things I buy and she buys them for herself.  Even though I have to be the one to cook it all.  So now I am the primary grocery shopper and she is really not going to like that part.  Oh well.  

But right now I am calm. She's calm.  The kids are having fun playing Minecraft (haha yes, they are adults and they are in the other room having a blast playing Minecraft together for the first time in years LOL).  I am chilling out in my room typing on my new mini-bluetooth keyboard (I am surprised it's so easy to get used to typing on) and listening to "Ori and the Blind Forest" soundtrack (it's quite good).  My Pom was thrashing around in my bed playing a few days ago and knocked my laptop to the floor, completely obliterating my screen.  So I bought a Dynex HD tv from someone on Facebook to use as my monitor, and bought this keyboard on Amazon that works with both my phone and my computer.  It's not ideal, as it's tiny and hurts my wrists a bit, but it's super easy to type on.  And my hubby is at work for the evening and it's a gorgeous day out.  So I feel pretty good.  I think my anxiety played up her coming home as some kind of tragedy when in reality, it's not different than before, except I made huge changes while she was gone.  In her finances, our home, and in myself.  I hope I'll be able to stick to these changes in myself while she's back and not fall back into our old routine.  

I think I've said this before, but I am tarot/oracle card reader.  No, I do not believe in psychic abilities (I used to, though), but I use them for introspection and mantra creation.  And my pull for this month was "own your space".  Meaning I need to remember to own my space, even when she's here.  I deserve to be myself in all situations, not just when I am away from her.  I'm also going to work through that codependency book that I posted the other day.  Little did I realize, I am still codependent.  2020 was the year of hibernation.  We all, all over the world, hibernated together, apart LOL  2021, pandemic or not, is going to be my year of empowerment.  It's the word (one of the words) I picked for this year (instead of a resolution).  And healing all this crap that makes me scared of being around her and having her in my life is the only way to deal with living with her.  Hiding is not the answer (which is what I've been doing).  Owning my space feels wonderful, so why do I not do it when she's around?  She makes me feel small and insignificant, but I don't have to let her make me feel that way.  I can own my space anytime, anywhere, whether she's around or not.  This is my home.  She always says it's hers, but it's not.  All she did was allow debt to be put in her name.  But we pay for many of the bills, and we wouldn't have this house if it wasn't for me (meaning I did all the work to get it).  We even paid thousands of dollars out of our pockets to go through the home buying process.  She paid nothing.  She only lives here because of us.  So this makes it our home.  And she lives in it.  I don't care who's name is on the debt.  

So, since she's been gone, I've been treating it as our home, rather than feeling like we've been living in someone else's house.  And now that's she's back, I'm not going to stop treating it that way.  So today might be easy, but the future will most likely be full of her whining and complaining and throwing tantrums.  Oh well.  I still need to own my space (meaning I need to own the space I take up, rather than let myself feel as though she owns it--not the house, mind you, by my space, the space my body, mind, soul, and essence occupy at any given time).  Like my therapist said "This is your life, not hers.  So don't let her act like she owns it!".  

Easier said than done, but if I can just apply the feeling I get when I feel I am "owning my space" to a word or phrase and use that as a mantra to remind me of how to feel?  Then I think it's doable.  Like, there are certain trigger words (mantras) that when I think of them, I feel immediately serene.  I use them for anxiety.  But if I can do the same to remind myself to be strong and confident?  That'd be pretty rad.  

Okay, enough rambling.  She's back.  Everything is normal.  For now.  Let's hope we get at least a few more days of "nice mom" before "shitty mom" comes back.  Oh wait, sorry, GOTH: grandma of the house LOL 

 

So I bought this book from our local resale shop because I love picking up books about codependency and narcissism whenever I find them.  I find that the more I know, the better I am at handling things (or at least I feel like I'm better at it).  Little did I know that I would open the book and find myself in the pages. 

Now, I always find myself in the pages of a book about narcissism.  Rather, I find the people in my life who are narcs, and then I find myself in their victims (though I'm not a victim anymore).  

Let me start off by saying I'm a weirdo.  I've always been a weirdo and I've always assumed I am unique in my weirdness.  But more than that, I always felt unique in my personality.  Not in a good way, but a shameful, lonely, and shitty way.  As in "I am the only person who acts like me.  I am the only person who feels like this.  I am the only person who reacts like this.  I am an asshole and not worthy of anyone really caring about me."  I don't always actively think these things, but at my core, it's what I've always felt.  All of my actions and reactions usually arise from these feelings or are at least filtered by them.  Especially my reactions.  

I have aspergers, ADHD, anxiety, depression, and I'm obstinate at times, argumentative (though I'm so much better now), reactive, and I hate change (unless it's fun change, then I love it!).  So I've always felt like a bit of a mess and when others see me that way and treat me that way, those negative filters above permeate other people's actions and words which then cements the negative filters even more into my being.  So if I act like a spaz, you call me a spaz, I already know deep down inside that I am unworthy and wrong, that you calling me that makes me feel even more horrible about myself.  This is true for every single person walking this earth.  We all have our own negative filters, whether they were taught to us by our parents' words or from other kids growing up, or just due to our own poor self images.  And when someone says something that backs up our negative filters, our subconscious brains are all like "Yup, I was right.  I'm a loser."  We may not even know what's going on, but our subconscious brain does.  And it makes us immediately react in a negative way.  And usually we have no idea even why.  We can react negatively in two ways: in anger (sometimes rage) or sadness (sometimes deep sadness).  And it's all due to toxic shame.  

Toxic shame was coined by Silvan Tomkins, a psychologist who worked at Princeton (and other places).  Shame is normal in life, but toxic shame is something that embeds itself into our mind and becomes a part of our identity.  Lonerwolf.com says it right when they say "toxic shame is the internalized and buried shame that rots within us".  It's what causes imposter syndrome and eating disorders and body dysmorphia.  It's also what helps to cause stress related diseases and illnesses.  When we feel horrible about ourselves, what on earth are we really enjoying in life?  What are we fully participating in?  What are we moving towards?  Because self-hatred, even if you don't realize you're experiencing it, can invade every aspect of our lives, our body, our minds, and our entire being.  It dictates our speech (especially what we say about ourselves), our actions, but mostly, our reactions.  And my reactions?  Have always been steeped in self-hatred, even though I didn't realize it until recently.  Have you ever said to yourself or others "I don't understand how I react this way and I don't know how to change it."  Because if we don't get at what lies at our core, then we have no idea how to fix it.  And what lies, usually unknowingly, at our core is toxic shame. 

If you'd have asked me yesterday if I was codependent?  I would have said "No way.  I'm so done with all that!  I haven't been for a long, long time."  But the truth is, I was wrong.  Not only am I still codependent, I am full of so much shame that there is a name for my personality type: Bystander.  I don't fit the profile 100%, but it's close, like 98% close.  It's so crazy to see my life on paper, things I thought were literally only something I feel or do, and then I find out that I'm not crazy or just some jerk, I just found a way to cope with my narcissistic mother and abusive father and instead of getting better as I aged, I got worse.  And then to realize that I am the way I am because of my parents?  I mean, I knew my anxiety and whatnot stemmed from my abuse, but not the deep facets of my being.  I thought that was just me.  It's very freeing, but also, I feel like a cheap knockoff of something.  Like, you think you are original, but as it turns out, you're just a personality type, like many, many others, all due to coping mechanisms.  My entire life, as it turns out, is just one big ass coping mechanism.  What the fuck?  I mean, I'm glad to know it.  And I'm glad to know it's changeable, but who will I be without all my coping mechanisms?  Oh yeah, happy.  So I guess I can get board with that. 😉

According to Darlene Lancer, LMFT, there are three types of codependent personalities (which are coping mechanisms from parental abuse--the survive, we "required to adapt to the needs, actions, and emotions of our parents at the expense of developing an individual self" ):  the master--power, the bystander--withdrawal, and the accommodator--pleasing.  

The Master is an extroverted solution to toxic shame.  They are usually (but not always) narcissists who believe they are already their idealized self.  The Bystander is a withdrawal solution to toxic shame.  They are usually very independent and remove themselves from relationships with other people so they never get hurt.  The Accomodator is someone who believes love will be the cure for their toxic shame, believing someone else will fill that gaping hole inside of them.  They are the stereotypical codependents and make up a majority of self-identified codependents. 

The first thing we see here is that the typical codependent/narcissistic relationship is in actuality two codependents together: a master and an accomodator.  But both are codependents, and both could possibly be narcissists.  When a master is a narc, they are just seen as a narc.  When an accomodator is a a narc, they could be called a reverse narcissist or even suffer from borderline personality disorder.  

 

How does Darlene tell us we can heal from this shame?  In her article called "Healing Psychic Wounds of Codependency", she shares these steps (with some of my own ideas mixed in, click on the link for her exact post): 

  • Seek a good therapist.  If your therapist isn't right for you, keep looking until you find one that is.  
  • Attend Codependents Anonymous meetings and seek out a sponsor (I didn't know this existed).
  • Notice emotion/body shifts.  If you feel a certain way, then check where in your body you're also feeling it.  When you feel shame, does your posture change?  Do you feel numb?  Do you disassociate?  Are you angry?  Notice that feeling.  When I feel shame, as I did earlier today when my son scolded me for bringing up something I shouldn't (I tend to harp on my mother's behaviors and my son politely reminded me it was healthy or nor productive to do so), I feel a floaty sensation in my abdomen, which then spreads out to my entire body.  I wait for it to pass before responding, because if I respond when I feel bad, I will react, rather than respond.  Find where shame lives in your body and start to recognize it when it happens, so you, too, can respond rather than react.  
  • Find your triggers.  Write them down and make a list.  Then write down why it triggers you.  
  • Check out her other books, and other books on codependency written by other authors, and do all the exercises in the books.  Her books are: Codependency for Dummies, Dealing With a Narcissist, and Conquering Shame and Codependency.
  • Challenge your beliefs.  This means to take everything you believe about yourself (and even in life) and write them all down and then go through them one by one and ask yourself Byron Katie's questions from "The Work.  Ask yourself:  "Is this true?  Am I absolutely sure this is true?  What happens to my body and emotions when I think this thought?  Who am I without this thought?"  When you go through each question, write down everything you can.  See what unfolds when you answer these questions.  
  • Find some books on "inner critics" or "self-esteem" to work through.  Push yourself to get rid of that inner critic (which usually comes in as your mother's voice LOL).  
  • Explore new ideas.  Read all you can about these subjects and see what you can find.  To know that you're not at fault for what's going on in your life is one thing, but to know that only you have the power to fix it means that although change is hard and difficult, you still have power.  You may feel powerless, but you're not.  You have all the power.  You have the power to not let your mother (and other narcs in your life) hurt you anymore and you have the power to fix the damage they did.  If you're like me and have a high ACE score?  Then you can stop more damage to your body and possibly reverse much of it by choosing to heal and walking the path of healing.  
  • Other ideas to add to your healing process are learning about the eightfold path in Buddhism (it's not a religious thing, it's a practice), doing yoga/tai chi/etc. for relaxation, meditation, eating healthy and delicious foods, eliminated CATS from your life (caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, sugar--and I'll add anything else that's negatively affecting you), finding your spirituality (if you so desire), practicing self-care, exercising, and spending time with people who understand you and care about you as you are.  

Finding your way away from toxic shame and codependency is your path to happiness.  And this book will definitely help you find it.  It's definitely worth the money she's charging for the Kindle version (like $12--even though I refuse to pay that much for Kindle books because I am cheap AF LOL).  I got my version at the resale shop for 25 cents.  But then again, mine smells like vinegar and I have to hold it far away from my face so I don't smell it.  But that's what you get when you don't check the book before buying it used LOL


Any suggestions on great books for healing?  Share them below.  And happy reading! 







 


With taking care of our aging narc parents (or living with them for any reason), we can get stuck thinking that's all we are: a person dealing with a narcissist.  We feel victimized, alone, sad, depressed, angry, and hopeless.  All symptoms of depression, even though we may not even have depression (though I would bet that many of us do).  The narc in our lives can evoke these feelings so much that they can create this misery for us without even trying (but rest assured, they are trying).  I consider myself lucky that my mother had to have surgery and is now spending time away from me in a rehabilitation center since December (it's the middle of February now).  I've had a good long break from her (even though I still have to talk to her every other or day so).  But even if you can't take a break, you need to remember that being their child (or their spouse or whoever you are to them) is not your only hat you wear.  You have so many more.  You are more than just a victim of narcissistic abuse.  You are you.  

So, who are you?  What are all the roles you play in life?  And beyond that, what are all the roles you want to be playing in life?  And what past roles have you played that you wish to do again?  

Make a list, either in your head or on paper (or your phone).  You can put them into different categories, such as "things I do" and "things I am" and "things I want to be or be doing".  Or whatever you like.  Here's mine: 

  • Mother (I have two boys, my most favorite hat I wear)
  • Wife (I have an amazing hubby, Mr. Brooks, another favorite hat I wear)
  • Domestic Engineer Manager (I don't joke around about this title, I do everything from keep everyone's appointments straight, to medication, to pet appointments and medication-we have many, I am our house's only cook, I do most of the laundry--though hubby helps, I make all our cleaning products, fix things around the house, etc. and I delegate the things I cannot do to my employees, oh wait, my family LOL--let's be clear about this, I am good at some aspects of this job and bad at others, and I get overwhelmed at times, especially when I have too much to do at once--like today, having to clean the entire house myself because the repairman is coming to fix our washer)
  • Salon manager (I cut hair in my home)
  • Pet groomer (for my own pets, I would not inflict my horrible pet grooming skills on someone who'd pay me to do it)
  • Builder (I build things for our home, like I recently built railings for our back porch, and last year I made our garden bigger by having my kids help me build a new fence for it)
  • Gardener (I usually have good sized gardens and start most of my plants from seed, this year will hopefully be the best year yet, as I have some great directions on how to grow an amazing garden 😁)
  • Artist (I am not a prolific artist, nor is my work always great, but I don't care, I just love to create, and when I have the time, I do this a lot)
  • Musician (I am not as much of a musician as I used to be, but I still know how to play a couple instruments and I can sight read quite well--as a kid, this used to be my main hat)
  • Writer (I write ALL the time: blogs, fiction stories and books, non-fiction, and collaborations with my husband, and my memoirs, which you can find eventually on my new website that I'll post here soon--this is my main hat when it comes to "things I do" rather than "things I am")
  • Problem Solver (a hat I wear often)
  • Tarot Teacher, Writer, Reader, and Card Designer (I've been reading tarot since I was twelve, and even though I do not believe in psychic abilities, I do believe tarot is an amazing introspective tool, which I write about extensively on my tarot blog, and even have my own tarot deck).  
  • And so much more.

 

The point of this list is to remind you that you have so many other things to think about other than your relationship with your narc.  Take any one of these things (or several) and immerse yourself in it, rather than let the narc in your life take over and be the only thing that you have to deal with on a daily basis.  Because that's a recipe for depression and disaster.  

 

So what hats do you wear?  What hats do you want to wear?  For those things you haven't done yet but want to, make a plan!   Then research the steps to get yourself there.  Immersing yourself in a future project is a great way to distract yourself from what's going on in your home.  

Just a quick suggestion on how to detach from the narc in your life and become more of YOU 💖



 


 

Here I am, having gotten done most of what I set out to do since day one.  It's gone by in a flash.  I think that's because I was constantly stressed and worried and trying to get everything done as quick as I could.  Now is my time for peace.  Last night I cooked up five dinners to freeze for her (Parmesan pork chops, corn bread, veggies, potatoes).  I've been accumulating meal prep containers for this reason.  I am planning on cooking her a huge amount of dinners so I do not have to cook when she's back home.  I do love cooking, by my mother puts a huge amount of stress on me to feed her every single day at a certain time, always when I am busy (she is capable of cooking herself, but she wants me to do it for her--which is fine, I will, just not daily), so I decided I'm not going to.  Instead, I am making her various meals of food she loves.  Though, when I did this last time, she said it was gross and refused to eat it.  Now she won't have a choice.  And this is helping me free up a HUGE amount of freezer space, as she accumulates crap nobody wants to eat but her.  She used to grocery shop 1-2 times a month, and only ever bought stuff she wanted (mostly crap she shouldn't be eating).  But when I went shopping, she'd give me a list to get for her as well.  So she spent her money on herself and I spent my money on her, too.  And when I say she bought things for herself, I mean she would spend nearing $200 on herself with each shopping trip.  Much of that was spent on chocolate candy bars.

And to deal with that, I've taken over her finances and giving her an allowance out of her money twice a month.  That was a freaking ordeal.  She's racked up SO much debt on various credit cards, and has so many bills to pay, so switching them all over to a new bank account was tedious and is still in transition as we speak.  At least I figured out how to get her money each month on her own debit card in a new account that I share with her (makes for easy deposits).  So that's something.  

And you know why she turned her nose up at the pre-made food I made for her before, right?  I mean, she's a narcissist, so it's quite obvious: she wants me to actively be waiting on her, providing for her, or doing what she says.  She doesn't want me to have my own life.  She wants me to do things for her every single day.  And if I'm not, she will guilt me (well, try to, nothing she says ever makes me feel bad).  Even on days I don't want to cook and she has a slew of soups she's picked out from the store on purpose for these days, she will require me to make her a grilled cheese.  Which defeats the purpose of having the soup.  I don't want to cook on certain days because I am busy.  I have a lot to do.  Even if she can't see it.  Hell, especially if she can see it.  She never hesitates to come busting into a room and talk over your conversation or if you're watching something.  She doesn't even say "excuse me" or "sorry", she just comes in an starts talking really loudly.  When I used to write in various places in my house (because I was under the illusion it was my house, too), she'd come seek me out and start blabbing and never stop until I left.  Even when I eventually starting hiding in the garage!  So I found that my bedroom was the place to hide from her.  And for months on end until she left, I'd sit on my bed with my door shut and locked while I worked, only leaving the use the bathroom or get food.  I felt like a ghost haunting the halls of my own house.  Well, of course, I'd have to leave my room to cook for her.

So now, I don't know what to do with myself.  Do you even know what it felt like to be able to sit in my own kitchen in the middle of the day?  It literally gave me a panic attack the first time!  I had no idea what that felt like before.  

And the reason I hide from her isn't just because she's asking me to cook for her (because I normally cooked every single day, even though she asks me every single day, as though I'm not going to do it), it's because she's full of criticism, bossing me around, coming up with stupid decisions she's informing me of (like "OH, I was thinking, we need to get a patio out back.  Let's call someone about that!"--and I'm all like "Oh yeah, who'd going to pay for that?  You've maxed out your credit card, so I have no idea how that's going to happen!" Just kidding.  I didn't say that.  I'd just nod and say "sure" and try to ignore whatever else she said about it), or some kind of obsessive thought she'd be having at the moment (I've noticed she's sooooooo obsessive about things, even if we've already talked about it, though this may be her dementia getting worse, though I think this may just be how her brain works, as she's always been somewhat like this).  

But I've replaced all the things that needed replacing (mostly).  And got pretty much everything done that needed to get done before she gets back and now I have around 1-2 weeks before she comes back.  I hope it's 2 weeks, but who knows.  

On top of all of that stress (there was a LOT to do), I freaking cut my esophagus on food, so it's hard to swallow...and pulled a muscle around my back to my chest from shoveling.  So I am feeling all sorts of anxiety and pain and annoyance with those things LOL  (I get severe anxiety due to unexplained physical pain and when my body feels weird).  And after a large amount (read: years) of investigating my pain and other physical issues, I most likely have ME (a fancy term for chronic fatigue syndrome).  I already knew I have fibromyalgia, and ME goes hand in hand with it.  And I've been having a horrible flare-up, which has made my anxiety 100x worse, so it's been all sorts of fun lately.  At least ma ain't here to make things worse.

I am not set up to be a caretaker.  Not for someone I don't like.  I would take care of my kids or hubby, absolutely.  But I am not a natural born caretaker.  I can easily run your finances, pay your bills, get your meds ready, keep you physically safe, and keep you fed.  But I am not your buddy, I can't lift you or bathe you or change your diapers or do anything of the sort.  I hate babysitting other people's kids (they literally drain me and I will fall asleep, so don't leave your kids with me! ha!), and I am not set up for actually having to do much more than I already am.  She said on the phone to me yesterday "What if I need to be a wheelchair full-time?  You'll have to move things for me!"  I said "When you are in a wheelchair full-time, you will be living somewhere else."  She did NOT like me saying that.  She thinks I'm going to take care of her until death.  Even though we already talked about that I am NOT changing her diapers (she told me "You're going to have learn how to change diapers!" I said "No I'm not.  You'll need a full-time caregiver then.  I am not a full-time caregiver.").  For some reason she's forgotten (read: by choice) about that conversation and now she thinks this is still a permanent thing.  Yeah, she's not going to like any of this. 

Never mind the fact the hubs and I have a plan to get our credit score up to where it needs to be so we can buy our own place and put her in a home ASAP.  Because I cannot deal with her anymore.  None of us can. 

So her coming home will be a intermission until she goes to a nursing home/assisted living home.  Because we're on our own track that doesn't involve her attempted verbal and emotional abuse daily (and given the right scenario, physical..she's been known to physically attack people when enraged).  And I refuse to spend my life doing something I don't want to do anymore.  I've done it too much already.  And you have to earn it.  My mother has nothing but the opposite.  I find her rude, appalling, cruel, mean, ignorant, racist, homophobic, manipulative, and too dumb for me to be able to have a decent conversation with.  And no, her dementia is not what makes her dumb, she's honestly dumb.  I have no other way to put it (and why should I be nice about it?).  She's unintelligent.  Her IQ is low.  She doesn't understand basic things and never has.  If it were just dementia, I'd be fine having pretend conversations with her.  But I've done that for my ENTIRE LIFE.  So I'm done.  

Break almost over.  Then it's time for the intermission.  And then it's time to move forward. 

Feels great to have a plan with a end goal in sight.  Otherwise I'd feel this living situation would go on forever and I'd fall into a deep depression.

Phew.  




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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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