Mummy is a grumpy wumpus today.  She's an angsty teenage girl who lives in an old woman's body.  She cannot see the forest for the trees, like, EVER.  She only wants what she wants and screw if it's good for her or not.  And here I am, taking care of her old grumpy ass, paying the price for trying to keep her safe.  And why?  Because I care about her, but I tell you what, I'll be damned if I am going to put up with her grouchy ass much longer.  "Shady Pines, ma!" 

She's on norcos for her foot pain after her surgery back in December.   And ever since she got them, she's been saying how she's going to stock up on them and sell them.  She's said this at least four times, with the last time with her telling my son this yesterday where I could hear.  She's not kidding, either.  I keep telling her "Like hell you will commit a felony under this roof!"  She will just make stupid comments like "Oh, I'll make phone calls."  This is her favorite thing to say, as though she "knows" people to sell drugs to.  Geezus.  

So she refilled her meds yesterday and I picked them up today and I gave her only 10 (with the rest in my room to be doled out as she's out of them) and all hell broke loose.  

She started screaming "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??!!  WHY ARE YOU TAKING EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME??  YOU ARE SO MEAN!  YOU DON'T TRUST ME TO TAKE MY OWN MEDS!!  YOU DON'T TRUST ME WITH MY OWN MONEY!  YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME!  YOU TOLD ME YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ME IN A HOME WHEN I AM IN DIAPERS!  YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!  I'M GOING TO CALL AND REPORT YOU FOR STEALING MY MEDICATION BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY WANT THEM FOR YOURSELF!!"  And so on and so forth. 

So I laid into her.  I said  "Why do you think I am here?  I am here to take care of you.  Nobody is making me be here.  I am here because I want to be.  But you are ungrateful and get angry at me every step of the way!  I don't take things away from you because I want to!  I do it because I have to!  Because you can't do these things without hurting yourself or others!  This is not my fault.  Your dementia is not my fault.  Your foot pain is not my fault.  Your poor balance is not my fault.  The pandemic is not my fault.  None of this is my damn fault!  But you insist on punishing me every step of the way and you treat me me like it's all my fault.  And that's just bullshit.  And don't you ever accuse me of being some drug seeking asshole who wants to steal your drugs, unlike you, I've never been addicted to a substance, nor have I taken drugs!  And I do trust you with the money I give you, which is why I don't give you much, because I do not trust you with more.  Because you have no idea how to save money and you end up buying all sorts of bullshit because that you don't understand anymore that these things are either garbage or they are bad for you!  Like, you buy random meds off the internet!  You can't do that!  And I put more money in your account when you have to buy things like medicine or when you got your shingles shot and had to use your money pay for it."

All she said was "And that money came from me." 

So I replied "Yes, it came from your money.  But not your allowance.  I don't expect you to pay for things like that out of your allowance."  

"I don't get what you mean.  That money came from MY money, so I paid for it anyways!"  

"And this is why you don't get to be in charge of things anymore, ma!  You don't get what I mean.  You never understand what I'm talking about!  You don't know how to use your debit card anymore!  You don't know how to do all sorts of things anymore!  And those things are not my fault!  So when I do these things you see as me taking everything away from you, it's because I am taking care of you, not punishing you!"  

*silence*

So I shut my door and went back to hanging out my husband.    And I was thinking that this is it.  If she's going to continue like this, I can't do this anymore.  I throw in the towel.  I'm done.  She's not a little kid and I refuse to be her mother, when she clearly doesn't want me to be.

It's so hard to remember that they are human being sometimes.  It's so hard to place yourself in their shoes and to see them acting out as some kind of cry for help.  Mostly because if you offered them help, they'd deny you and most likely laugh at the mere suggestion of it.  So we become accustomed to just seeing them as monsters.  And to be fair, some are.  The more sociopathic they are, they more monster they become.  But some, like my mother, are just stunted little kids who grow old, but never actually age in their minds.  

So my husband went to work and I let the dogs out and then went back to my room to work on my short story book (I got a new idea recently and want to get it done before I wander off into a new idea and never finish it--oh the fun having ADHD and being a writer!).  But then she knocked on my door, and immediately I was angry she had the nerve to come to me so soon after all that.  I was afraid it was ultimatum time again.  The whole "If you don't give me my meds, I'll just (insert threat here)".  That is her normal response, so that's what I expected.  So when I opened my door to find her weeping uncontrollably, I was quite surprised.  She apologized for yelling at me and just stated she's actually mad at her dementia and her depression, and not me.  I told her I completely understand that.  And I told her I am a safe space to take her anger out on those things, but just as long as she apologizes after.  See, my oldest son takes his anger out on me...he has aspergers and sometimes has meltdowns.  But he knows the right way to apologize and I never take his behavior personally (and he's an adult now, and he's so much better now).  I am his safe space, as I am for my husband and my other son.  But, I always take my mother's behavior personally, which makes me not her safe space (she was never, ever mine...EVER).  But that's because she never apologizes.  This is the second time in over twenty years she's ever told me "I'm sorry".  Kind of a bad track record.  

And recently, up until today, I've been plagued with horrible anxiety and stress related issues due to her repeated bullshit.  I had wretched anxiety this morning, which was so bad, I actually started yelling at the self-checkout machine at our grocery store because it's slow as fuck.  I was in full panic mode and needed to leave.  All because I knew going home and doling out her meds was going to be an issue.  And everything was making me feel crazy.  Until I opened my door, I was ready to be done with all this.  I need to take care of me and my mental health, and whenever she's around, she always makes her the priority.  Which is why I went no contact the last time, because I was going out of my mind having to be her caretaker from a block away.  And now we live in the same house, and I felt 100x worse and it was spilling out into my entire life.  

Now, she will go back to being a grumpy wumpus.  This I know.  This is not a permanent apology.  I do not get sucked back into her pretend good times anymore.  Because these apologetic moments do not last.  Last time, it didn't last but a day and she was immediately back to being an asshole the very next day (the last time was in 2006 when she physically assaulted me and I called the cops on her).  So I know this won't last.  But at least she's fine with me taking care of all her meds for her for now, so that's all I ask for.  And I'm going to let up on some of my restrictions of her, as she's got her vaccine and is doing better with her foot.  And now her BFF also has her vaccine, she she'll be able to come over this summer, as well. 

In her apology, she said "I am so grateful for every single thing you do.  I know you're just trying to take care of me and I'm just taking all my anger out on out and that's not fair.  It's not your fault that what is happening to me is happening to me.  All you do is take care of me and I just treat you like shit for it."  I saw how she looked defeated when she said it.  Not as in I defeated her, but defeated by her disease and how life is going for her.  So I told her, this summer we'll make the best of it and we'll do as much as we can safely to have fun and do happy stuff.  And then I let her purchase almost $200 in plants, because that's literally her hobby and she loves plants.  I know she hate restrictions.  She has zero idea of what a budget means.  I know part of her meltdown to begin with was based on the fact I would not let her buy crazy amounts of plants.  And this was too much money, but I hope it tides her over for the rest of the summer.  Or, at least a bit.  I do feel a tiny bit like I was manipulated into getting these plants for her.  But at the same time, I really don't care.  I'll get the money back tomorrow.  

Today was a win.  Not a win that will last forever, or even for long.  But a win for the moment.  A win for me let my anger go for a bit and just enjoy a small bit of relief.  We all need these moments.  We all need a relief from our misery.  Otherwise it builds to a crescendo that we just can't handle and we go insane.  This is why people take vacations from work.  Or from caregiving, whether it be kids or family.  We all need reprieves.  Her going to the home for a couple months wasn't that much of a reprieve for me, since I spent the entire time trying to fix her messes.  But this?  This moment of vulnerability she gave me, this was just what I needed to feel better.  Maybe my anxiety will get better for a bit.  Maybe not, but I hope so.  Now, back to my short story before my brain wanders off onto something else! LOL