So I wrote an article about IFS the other day, which you can find here (<~~click) and as I said in that post, we all have these "parts" to us that develop out of CPTSD and other life experiences.  Not all parts are born from negativity, though, some are introspective, understanding, nurturing, etc.  But all are there to protect us and help us stay safe, even the worst ones that get us into the most amounts of trouble.  Today, I realized, I have a "fixer" part.  Which is represented by this card here: 

Today this part emerged, because yesterday, at the last second, my mother asked to hop a ride to the store with us.  We were hurrying, as my husband had to be at work soon after.  We politely said "tomorrow", to her request to go buy fake flowers and stuff for my father's grave for Memorial Day.  I bought the flowers and stuff while we were out, so we didn't have to take an extra trip today.  And besides, he's my father, I should be able to sometimes buy his grave decorations.  So I woke up, we got ready to go to the cemetery and told my mom "Hey, let's go to the cemetery, I already bought everything."  She was leery, but said okay (at first she said no, but I was going with or without her).  We get there, the ground is way to hard to put the flowers in, so I said I'd come back for that, but I put everything else up.  A flag, a red/white/blue pinwheel, and a hanging sign that said "I Heart America" (my dad was super patriotic).  And we left.  On our way home, she says, "Okay, now where?"  I was like "Uhhh home.  We have no masks."  She said "You said you'd take me to get flowers."  I said "No I never said that.  And you never asked."  She said "Yes, that was what we planned!"  

Dementia, y'all.  I can finally see her dementia peeking through our everyday lives.  It's been bad the last few weeks.  And getting worse all the time.  

She didn't speak a word the rest of the way home and refused to come inside and instead sat on our front porch for over an hour.  

So, on the way home, I tried to enjoy the country scenery.  It's a cloudy and nice day out and we live out in the country and I wanted to just really look as we drove home (you know how you sort of look at everything as a passenger, but you don't really look?).  I was trying not to think about how upset she was.  But everything was tinged with her disappointment and anger.  I went to the bathroom as soon as we got home and immediately, without realizing it, I went into "fixer mode".  

Here was my thought process:  "I could do something nice for her to make her happy.  I could offer to do something.  I could clean something.  I could, well, I have no idea.  There is nothing I can really do.  And besides, when I do anything for her, she doesn't like it anyways, so why try?  Wait...what in the holy fuck am I thinking right now?  Why am I trying to please her?  Why am I trying to fix her bad mood?  Wow.  I didn't realize how much I do this!"  Because when I feel this way, I get this same feeling in the pit of my stomach and have since childhood.  I take on her feelings as my own and think "How can I make her happy?  How can I show her I am not the dumbass she thinks I am?"  

The other day, I came to the realization just how much take on other people's feelings.  How I feel responsible for their happiness.  How I have this innate need to help everyone and overextend myself and feel bad when I can't.  I feel bad because they feel bad.  So I immediately stopped this cycle of thinking, that I needed to fix her bad mood and said to myself "She's allowed to be in a bad mood."  And even if she thinks it's my fault, I knew it wasn't.  I never said we were going to buy plants today.  Plus, my hubby had an appointment with a famous person (for real..he did LOL, he takes voice lessons from a professional singer) soon after our cemetery visit, so we couldn't take her to get plants anyways.  

I realized two things today: 1) I have a fixer part...that little girl (even though the card isn't a little girl) who used to vacuum the entire house before mommy got home from the store so she'd be happy with me...that way she wouldn't come home and yell at me or be angry with me for some made up reason.  And 2) her irritation with me is only going to get stronger as the dementia progresses.  Today was her dementia thinking something in her head and thinking it was real.  I never said we'd go to the store to get plants today.  And she swears I did.  She also swears I told her I'd take care of her when she's immobile and/or sick (never ever would I tell her that).  There have been other days where she's been angry with me for saying we'd do something and I never said we'd do it.  And recently, I got into it with her about planting stupid ass plants in stupid ass places and I told her "You literally took over the ENTIRE yard and I am not allowed to plant anything anywhere.  You even got mad at me last summer for planting my lilac bushes where I did, because you wanted to plant something there.  You told me I should have asked you first!"  She swears she never said that, and even starting stamping her feet and screaming at me saying "I NEVER SAID THAT!"  And she certainly did say it.  But now I realize it's all her dementia.  Yes, narcissism plays a part.  But her dementia literally makes her brain like mush.  She doesn't remember a lot of things or remembers everything wrong (even long term memory stuff...though not all).  

So with that, I can take her anger outbursts and pity parties and temper tantrums and everything else not personally.  I DO NOT NEED TO FIX THEM!  It's not my job.  She's allowed to be angry.  She's allowed to sulk.  She's allowed to be pissy.  I do not have to pull her energy into my being and make it a part of my own.  I don't do that with my kids.  If my kids are angry, I just let it roll off my back.  And sure enough, after sulking on the front porch for an hour, she's fine now.  I didn't have to do anything at all to make her better.  She did it herself.  So that "fixer part" of me can just go hang out and do something else LOL  

Without these cards, though, I never would have recognized this.  I never would have realized this part of me existed.  Even though I've felt it a thousand times.

The cards are Inner Active cards and you can go to their website here to find them.  They ship fast, too!  So check them out and see what you come up with :)