Maybe it's our self-esteem, or being gaslit as a child, or maybe it's just what we've learned to do, but saying "yes" when we should say "no", or thinking something is a good idea, when you later realize it's a super dumb idea, is something that plagues so many of us.  And it's utterly annoying, because afterwards, after you've lost money, or end up having to do something you really shouldn't be or want to be doing, you feel so very stupid.  You say "What was I even thinking?" and may even hear the same sentiment from others.  I can't tell you how many times I've gotten myself in that situation.  I've learned as I've aged, but once in awhile, I still get myself into a predicament that I don't want to be in.  Like when the lawncare people just called and talked me into setting up appointments with them to come out and spray my lawn for weeds.  While I do need some kind of weed control, I cannot afford them.  Granted, they didn't tell me at first they'd charge me twice the first time until after I agreed.  And they didn't tell me that "these treatments probably won't even work until next spring" until after I had set everything up.  But I shouldn't have said yes to begin with.  I should have just hung up on them the moment I knew who they were.  They got me though, by saying "Hey, is this Shay?", leading me to believe for a second I knew them, which caught me off guard, which is why I didn't hang up right away.  

Do these salesmen know psychology or am I just that dumb sometimes?  I am not the type of person who entertains salespeople.  If I want something, I will ask for it.  I do not want someone calling my house or showing up at my door to get me to buy something (I just realized, I need a "no sales" sign outside).  I literally abhor salespeople.  If they're good at their jobs, they are usually narcissists (which is why my hubby wasn't good at sales when he worked at his old job, he's not an asshole douchebag).  So I keep my distance usually from them and hang up when they call (and I will next time!).  

Luckily today I called and cancelled my order, thank goodness.  So I don't have to follow through my stupid mistake.  But I am annoyed I made the mistake to begin with.  Though you live and learn, right?  

One time my son's coworker asked my son to drive him to his new home.  Five hundred miles away.  And my son hurried up and said "Sure!" and then he came home and told me about it, and at first, I thought it sounded exciting and agreed.  But the next day, it hit me: what in the holy fuck did I just agree to?  My son was nineteen years old, he had never been away from home before,  he is also autistic and has massive amounts of anxiety, and our car wasn't the best to be driving that far.  At first I thought "He's nineteen.  He needs life experience.  I don't want to say no just to say no."  But this certainly wasn't the way to go about getting life experience, as we hardly even knew the guy!  Though after I met his coworker, I realized he was the type of guy who would take advantage of a nineteen year old kid, which I suspected after I came to my senses.  This dude was my age!  

And soon later, my son came to the same conclusion, thank goodness.  So I made up an excuse and texted the guy that my son couldn't do it.  The guy was livid.  But I felt so dumb to say yes to begin with.  I felt like I was just this person who would always say yes, just as I had been in the past, only to realize what I was actually agreeing to later and backing out.  But I have since learned my lesson, for the most part, after that experience.  I stopped thinking everything sounded like a good idea the moment I'd hear it, just because I really had no idea how I actually felt about it.  Though in some ways, I don't regret saying yes to that one, as my son realized it was a bad idea on his own, without me having to tell him and have him feel like I was controlling his life (you know how teenagers are).  

Another time my old "friend' gave my number to her cousin, who's name was Tonias (I had to put his real name in this because isn't that an amazing name?).  Tonias called me, told me he was selling knives and would love to come out and show me what he's got.  How silly was that?  Knives of all things.  And I somehow agreed to his spiel.  

See, in these moments, what pushes me to stay and keep listening to a sales person (or someone who wants something from me) and eventually agree to something really stupid is a combination of both equal parts obligation and fear of hurting the person's feelings by saying no.  It's like a fear of confrontation, because we don't know the person, so we have no idea how they will react.  Will they get angry with me?  Will they try to guilt me into doing it anyways?  Will they accept my "no" and let me hang up (or walk away)?  Or will they say something that will shame me into doing what they want?  Once a saleswoman conned my mother into selling her a "Life Alert" button (this place has a telephone number that is one number off from the VA pharmacy's number, and hopes old people call them instead of the VA and sign up for their "Life Alert" program).  So I called the number back and cancelled it.  But the woman kept telling me I was being stupid, because what if my mother fell when she was alone?  What if this, what if that, etc. etc.  I kept saying "I live with her, with FOUR other adults, and she has a cell phone, so we're good."  But no matter what I said, it wasn't good enough.  She was just trying to shame me into buying her product.  That would have worked with some people (I don't deal well when someone tries to shame it, it pisses me off).  Which is why I think sales is evil, and if your product isn't good enough on it's own, it isn't worth selling.  

But I'm not just talking about sales here.  I'm also referring to agreeing to do things for people (like that guy with my son) that we either don't really want to or should not do, all because a) we feel obligated and b) we fear what saying "no" would mean to that person (or we fear looking like a jerk, or hurting their feelings, or their reaction, etc.).  Fear and obligation are why we do this.  But what does that really stem from?  Where does being a people pleaser come from?

I think it comes from a lifetime of someone not letting us say no when we really want to.  That person either guilts us, shames us, blames us, punishes us, or gets really angry with us.  That person (or people) is so used to trampling over our boundaries, that us telling them "no" would feel like a slap in the face to them.  Which is how they treat us when we do it.  Which is what causes us to become people pleasers later in life, because that's we've been trained to do.  My oldest son has been trained by his narcissistic father to feel this way, and I've been trained by both my parents.  

And being put on the spot when you don't know how you really feel about something is how these people get us.  It speaks to our anxiety, puts us in a position to say "yes or no" right on the spot.  And we'll usually say yes, because our anxiety won't let us say otherwise.  Whether it be sales people or a family member or a friend or even a boss.  We don't know how we truly feel about what this person is asking of us, so we sometimes draw a blank or just go into automatic "agreeable" mode.  Being agreeable means nobody gets angry, or let down, or hurt, or anything else negative.  When we're agreeable, we're likable.  So we say yes, not fully understanding what we're saying yes to until later, when we can truly analyze the situation and make a proper choice.  But by then, it's too late, now we're either stuck doing something we don't want to or should not do, or we're stuck coming up with a reason why we have to back out.  And the truth?  Doesn't feel like an option.  Saying "I am sorry, but I didn't really think before I said yes, and I don't want to do this."  Now that sounds like a panic attack in a sentence, doesn't it?  It sounds rude and selfish.  And the last thing we, those who have been codependent with abusers before, would ever want to sound like.  We need to be agreeable, or else people won't like us and we'll feel ashamed for honoring our own boundaries.

Although, do you know what I said to Tonias the very next day?  He is one of the very few people I ever told the truth to as to why something was a bad idea.  I said "Look, she shouldn't have given out my phone number to a stranger.  You are her cousin, but I don't know you.  I only said yes to you because I felt obligated that you took the time to call me and you are my friend's cousin.  And I felt bad saying "no" when I know this is your livelihood.  But I am really not interested in knives.  I have a set that I use all the time, and they've never gotten dull since I bought them years ago.  So I do not need more.  Thank you so much for your time, but like I said, you need to tell her to stop giving out phone numbers for you to cold call.  It's not right."  I only told him the truth because he was a really, really nice guy and he made me feel like it was safe to be real with him.  I felt safe that he wouldn't yell at me or try to pressure me into buying from him.  But people like him?  Are rare.  The rest of the time I make up a flat out lie so I make sure there is no way they can come at me again or try to talk me into doing it anyways.  

The weed control people, I called them today and said "Sorry, I just found out the landlord is selling the house and we're going to be moving so I won't need your services."  Thank goodness it was customer care and not the same sales guy!  I was so nervous about talking to him again.  But it wasn't.  And she said "Okay" and cancelled my appointment and that was that.  I could have just called and said "Please cancel my appointment."  But they usually ask why, so I made up a lie.  How stupid.  It's my money and my freaking yard.  If I don't want them there, me saying "cancel" should be enough.  But I feel obligated to make it sound like I have a good reason.  I don't need a good reason!  None of us do!  But they make us feel like we need a good reason, or else they'll keep bothering us or worse, just show up anyways.  

Lying to get out of something has been something I've always felt the need to do.  Growing up, my mother never took "no" for an answer, I had to tell her "why".  And if she didn't deem it good enough, she didn't accept it.  So I became the queen of making shit up.  The truth was never good enough for her.  And I soon learned, it's not good enough for most people.  So I learned to lie to everyone when I needed to say no.  My son does the same thing, but also because he has extreme social phobia and can't bring himself to just say "no" to someone.  But knowing your boundaries and guarding them, is knowing you're allowed to say "no" for any reason whatsoever.  I mean, not in a douchey way.  But you should be allowed to say "I am sorry, I really can't do that right now" and not have anyone get upset about it.  Or you should be allowed to tell the truth "I am sorry, my anxiety is too much today for me to do that" or whatever the reason is you have to say no, and the other person should say "I understand.  That's okay."  

That's what Tonias said to me.  He made me feel like my "no" was valid and even agreed it wasn't right that he called me to begin with.  I made sure to let him know I appreciated his understanding and it means a lot to have his type of response in a world where everyone takes "no" personally and reacts to it.  

Another person I said "no" to was a woman I met at Barnes and Noble who sold "Pampered Chef" stuff.  She came over to my house to hang out a few days before the party and was a total asshole to me, my children, and my dogs.  That's what I get for making friends at the bookstore.  So when she messaged me on AOL about the party, I said "I am sorry, I am going to have to so no about having a party and staying friends with you.  You are a very interesting person and I enjoyed some of the stories you told me, but I don't think you and I are on the same wavelength.  What I mean is, I am sure your friends adore you and you adore them, but I just don't like you.  I am not saying you're an awful person or anything, but we're very different types of people, and I don't see our friendship going on for very long, so I'm going to stop it before it starts.  Good luck in all you do and again, know this is about me, not you.  But I do appreciate that we tried to be friends."  And she did not like my response.  At first.  She got very angry and yelled at me and asked me what she did wrong, so I was honest with her about how she treated my dogs and my kids and how her and I were just too different to get along.  She didn't respond for a few days and then wrote me back and said "You know what?  You're right.  And I appreciate your honesty.  I have never ever had someone tell me that before and I've had way too many friendships that end up ghosting me.  And that was because they didn't have the balls to tell me what you said.  So you taught me something, and I'm going to use that from here on out with others: compassionate and total honesty.  Thank you!"  I was floored.  Someone actually understood what I was trying to say for once??  Wow.  I did not expect that. 

I wholly expected her to be pissed forever.  But I felt in that moment, I could not lie to her.  Or ghost her.  Especially because she wanted to have a PC party at my house.  So I felt safe in telling her the truth.  Why?  Because I didn't know her well enough to care if she was angry with me.  But had I known her and stopped liking her?  Yeah, I probably would have ghosted her out of fear of telling her the truth or make excuses forever until she gave up.  Stupid, right?  

But that's the thing: fear and obligation keep us doing things we don't want to do, when we should just be able to be honest instead.  

We fear honesty because most people can't handle the truth.  They can't handle our boundaries, either.  So we say "yes" so we end up trampling our own boundaries, instead of letting others do it.  Saying yes when we want to say "no" is a sign of a codependency.  So even if you think you've detached from your narc parent(s)?  You still need to fix yourself and the issues that arose from your relationship with you parent(s).  Which is something I've come to realize about myself, as well.  

I don't always say "yes".  But when someone is nice, I always feel bad about saying "no".  

So the trick is: don't say yes or no until you've thought about it.  Even if the person (especially salespeople) pressure you.  If they pressure you, get angry!  Let them know they are violating your boundaries by telling them to stop and if they want something from you, then they need to let you think about it.  You don't have to be mean, but you can be if you need to be, especially if they aren't listening to you (though I save my anger only for super pushy salespeople--like that crazy "Life Alert" woman).  

And when it comes down to saying "no", say "I am sorry, but I'm going to have to pass."  Or "Sorry, we can't do that, because (insert reason here)".  You don't have to lie.  But you also don't have to tell them everything, either.  You can say "That won't work for us, but thank you for thinking of us".  If they ask why, you only need to say "Well, we have our reasons, but I don't think we'll be able to do this".  And change the subject if you have to.  

Boundaries: make them, enforce them, and don't let people trample them just because you're scared of not being "agreeable".  Not all people will appreciate you saying no, but those people do not need to be in your life if they can't accept it.  And others are strangers, so who cares?  You are allowed to say "no".  And you are allowed to say "no" for no reason, too, sometimes.  Just because you plain don't want to do it.  But mostly because you have real reasons those reasons are valid.  If you feel safer in lying, I get it.  But you need to get to the point where you don't say "yes" out of fear or before you've thought something through thoroughly.  Then you can work on not caring if someone doesn't like your truth.    

A great book on this is called "The Power of the Positive No" by William Ury.  Here is a great article that explains more: How to Say No When You Feel Pressured to Say Yes. 

But also be okay with being told "no" yourself.  Don't take "no" personally  Be a safe space for a person to be honest with you about why they don't want to do something for you.  Be accepting of the other person's truth, so they don't have to lie.  The truth makes people uncomfortable, for the above reasons, so make it comfortable for others to be truthful with you.  We can't change the world, before we change ourselves.  And by changing ourselves, we end up changing the world.  So make truth comfortable, for yourself, and others.  

And be honest with people as much as you can.  Even if will upset someone.  Because the more you practice honesty, the easier it becomes.  And honesty brings about boundaries.  Even if the person is a narcissist, you can choose the level of honesty you give them.  You can say "no" without having to say exactly why.  It's still honest, even if you aren't telling them everything.  Instead, concentrate on them understanding that they need to accept your "no" without badgering you about still doing whatever it is they want you to do.  Put up those boundaries with empowered statements such as "If you can't accept what I am saying, we can talk later when you calm down." or "I said no, if you can't be okay with that, then don't ask me to do anything at all, because you're acting like I never had an option to begin with."  And always cut the conversation short if they won't listen.  

I know it's hard.  Especially if you're used to pleasing everyone around you.  My ex was such a people pleaser (and a narcissist) that he'd say yes to everyone but me.  Once, I forgot to bring my medication with to his friend's son's birthday party and my ex refused to leave with me go home and take my meds (I was pregnant and needed to take my meds so I didn't go into labor...so it was kind of a big deal that I needed my meds).  He didn't want to disappoint his friend by leaving.  So I took my oldest son and went home and told him to find a ride.  He soon followed me to the car, but I wasn't going to hurt my youngest son just because he had issues with saying "no" to people.  Which is something we all need to remember:

Sometimes saying "yes" to the wrong thing can hurt us or others.  

So learning how to say "no" when you need to is very important in life.  Because always saying "yes" can hurt you, or those you love, mentally, physically, emotionally, or financially.  So learn to say "no" .  And learn to be okay with hearing "no".  

Here is a great video to help you learn how to get in touch with how you really feel about things: 

"Do You Gaslight Yourself?" by Patrick Teahan LCSW

If you have any other ideas or questions to tackle this subject, feel free to let me know in the comments :)