https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFZ6af4BHjWU4DENAAUCvVAhttps://www.facebook.com/daughterofanarcissistmother

30 Days of Mantras: Day 10

0 Comments



So today I had to fix my mother's computer and it's still not fixed so I just bought her a new one.  Because fuck old computers.  They get so damn finicky and don't want to work right.  I don't see how she can stand using hers, and she really can't, so she will be very happy to get this new one in the mail in a few days instead.  Hell, it's better than any computer I've ever owned, so I really hope it works right LOL 

Anyways, she was being annoying again.  Chattering away, like usual.  But for once I tried to look at her with "daughter" eyes rather than "her victim's" eyes.  I see her as an abuser and it's so hard for me to tolerate being around her at all.  But today I realized something: she's freaking demented as hell.  I had no idea just how bad her dementia was getting.  I see her daily, but I don't have long conversations with her, and today I realized her non-stop noise making is her dementia.  It's almost compulsive.  She did open my door again today, but I'll just lock it, rather than get angry with her.  Because she can't hold stuff in her brain for too long, so she won't remember I told her over a week ago to never open my door again (after she let my cat in and I had to chase him around to get him out).  So I'm going to learn to stop getting angry at her and do a few things instead: 

  1. I am going to divert her noise making to conversation.  That way she'll want to talk about something, like her cats, and not just making noise for noise's sake.
  2. I am going to politely remind her, yet still be forceful enough to make her comply, about leaving the room after she's done smoking outside.  Today I was working on her computer and she came right in after smoking.  I don't think she's always doing it on purpose, but even if she is, I can still stand my ground and ask nicely and push it if she doesn't listen.  
I don't want to feel like I did on Saturday ever again.  It's my fault that I get that worked up.  Because yes, she's either being annoying or doing shit on purpose to hurt me, but my reaction to her behavior is on me.  And if I want to learn how to be happy NOW, rather than waiting until she's in a home, then I am going to have to adjust my reactions to her.  

For real though, she's so confused now about so much.  She can work the internet still, but she can't remember what page she was on or what store she was looking at.  And forget-about-it if she's on her Amazon Fire Stick and trying to navigate the TV and she gets off the page for one second.  She had NO idea how to hit the "back" button to go back.  

So I know that I need to change my perception.  I've been saying this and it's been so hard to do, but the more her dementia worsens, the more I feel bad for her.  I've watched both my grandparents go through this, as well as their son, my mother's brother.  And now my mother.  So I know how hard it is and how when you're aware you're losing your mind, just how scary that is.  And she's still aware, just not all the time.  

I hope I can do this, because she needs more emotional attention and I need to feel sane.  So we'll see.  

Today's mantra is "get out of my head, and into my car".  Oh wait, that's a Billy Ocean song.  How about "get out of your head, and into reality".  Because all my pain, while real, is literally into my head.  And the reality of things are that my mother is a narcissistic old woman who has dementia.  But the reality above that, is that she is not in control of my life anymore, and all my pain stems from the idea that she still is.  It's hard to let go of the past when you get triggered on a daily basis as though you're still living in your past.  But I have to try harder.  Because I deserve better.  We all do.  

And I don't want to let my past go and forget about it.  I want to work through it and deal with it.  And write books about it, which is why I wrote four memoirs during the 2020-2021 year.  And I am still working on more.  So safe to say, that I am not wanting to leave it behind, but rather, compartmentalizing it in a way that won't affect my daily life, as it does now.  

Maybe it'll work.  Maybe it won't.  We'll see as time goes on.  



About Post Author

Living life with with a narcissistic parent is one of the hardest things a child can do. Because narcissism doesn't stop with mom and dad, it usually bleeds through the entire extended family dymanic. And the abuse travels with us into adulthood, usually either until the narcissist dies or we go no contact. And usually, our abuse is never talked about, for fear of retaliation or judgment. So I am breaking my silence and showing the world what my mother's abuse looks like so maybe others will feel strong enough to do the same.

You may also like

No comments:

Please add your comment here! And thanks for sharing!

About



Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

Check Out My YouTube Channel!

Check Out My YouTube Channel!

Search

Translate