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30 Days of Mantras: Day 30

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Today we took mother to Walgreens.  But right before she changed her mind and asked to go to the gas station also.  So I still have no idea what my mother was planning on buying us at Walgreens.  But as it turns out, she bought everyone $20 worth of scratch tickets.  Including herself.  Which is fine, it's her money, so she can buy herself pretty much anything she likes (though not cleaners, as she tends to buy bleach cleaners, and I am very sensitive to bleach with my allergies--something she does not care about and still buys if she's allowed).  And scratch tickets are a cute idea for a holiday gift, so that works out in a fun way.  And we went to Walgreens, and she bought everyone candy, too, which sucks, because don't want candy, which she knows.  But oh well.  It's once a year and she can't work her brain anymore to think of gifts, so I think this worked out better than having her try to actually find real gifts for everyone.  And these are real gifts.  Probably the nicest things she's ever bought anyone, in reality.  Usually her gifts are manipulations.  And this year they're not.  So that's refreshing.

Anyways, she was well-behaved, for the most part.  Except when she saw a black woman.  For some reason she's obsessed with black women's hair.  Damn old crazy white ladies.  She kept commenting on her hairstyle, LOUDLY, and eventually it got to the point I said, "Do you want Mr. Brooks to take you to the car?" (I asked in a nice way, not meanly).  One time were at the ER and she kept nudging me HARD with her elbow (my mother hurts people when she touches them, no matter how she does it) and started saying right in front of the black woman sitting directly across from us, "HEY!  DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET MY HAIR DONE LIKE HERS??"  Geezus.  But this time she was just commenting on the style and how long it must take her get her hair done, but she just would not stop, which was getting embarrassing.  And then she heard some Mexican guys speaking Spanish nearby and kept mimicking them by speaking gibberish really loudly.  

I really honestly hate taking her in public.  

I normally say "Sorry, she has dementia!"  But how many times can you say that in a day?  Thank goodness we only went to those two stores, because who knows what she'd say next. 

We came home and her friend Christmas called and all she kept saying to Christmas that I wouldn't allowed Christmas to take my mother to the store instead of us and how she's never allowed to leave the house.  Not this shit again.

Sigh.  

My mother needs someone to do her debit card for her.  She can't hear people all the time, so I have to repeat things for her.  She gets confused, so I have to help her.  Why would I let another demented old woman take my mother to store?  What, so they can get lost and end up in Canada together?  

I am just so tired of this.  I want to move away from here.  I want to go somewhere else and live my own life with my family.  I am tired of being her caretaker.  Today, on day 30 of this 30-day experiment, I don't feel I am too much more better off, but I guess I am.  I mean, in the past 30 days, her dementia has worsened.  So I have become much more aware of the fact she still has dementia, so I do take things less personally.  I just thought I'd be so much more, oh, I don't know, healed?  Ugh.  Oh well.  I think the idea here is that healing takes TIME.  And lots of it.  You can't rush it.  Not even if you're trying to be mindful about it.  So I just have to stick to the idea of creating mantras every single day, and remembering them.  I will write a recap of them all from this month at the end of this post.  

Though I will say that blogging about it all has really helped me a lot.  I think the idea of working out the past along with the present has been quite therapeutic.  

So, my plan for the rest of this year (2020): 

  • clean out more of the basement, purge everything that I can
  • blog when I find shit that triggers me
  • finish the bathrooms (putting down the subflooring and flooring)
  • possibly find an RV/fifth wheel
  • and just relax whenever I can
I think that the mantra aspect has helped more than anything.  I still say on a regular basis "She can't give more than she has".  I know she's full of rage and anger.  And so anything I get that's not that, is a plus.  She can't give me any more than she has to give me.  And yes, she's an adult, but she's also not.  For one, she's old, for two she's got dementia, and for three, she has a low IQ and an almost zero EQ.  So how can she give me more when she's usually only running on fumes and has been for her entire life?  Just with the low IQ and almost zero EQ alone, how can someone like that give anything at all?  

I think that one single mantra, and funny enough, it was the first, has changed my perspective on her behavior the most.  And it's healed me the most.  Just like I used to expect my ex to act like a normal human being and just give what a normal person would normally give to their children.  But he never could.  So one day, I stopped expecting him to do the right thing ever again.  And you know what?  It healed me.  I wasn't disappointed in him anymore.  I expected him to fuck shit up, and so when he did, it didn't bother me.  Everyone was like "Shay, how come you don't care anymore?"  Because, my friends, you can't keep caring about someone who will never do anything right.  It's like expecting a potato to be a steak.  It's a potato.  You cannot transform a potato into another substance.  Just like you can't transform a narcissist into a human being.  So stop expecting them to act like a human.  They just aren't.  Instead, see them as a potato.  Because that's all they'll ever be.  

I think I've picked a new name for her.  Rather than The Warden (which is what I call her in my first memoir), from this day forth, she shall be known as "The Potato".  So should all the narcissists in your life, too.  You should either print a picture of a potato, or cross-stitch one to put on your wall to remind yourself of this.  Because they've always been a potato and can never be an actual human.  Which is something we all need to remember.  And if a potato did something bad to you, would you get angry at it?  Would you take offense to it?  No, it's just an idiot potato.  It doesn't know any better.  It only knows how to be a potato.  You could just laugh at it and say "Oh, you potato, you!"  And then just go on your way.  Nobody needeth to letteth a potatoeth ruineth their dayeth, right?  Or least we can try to not let it.  Because let's face it, potatoes can be pretty damn annoying.

Here is a list of the different mantras I've used this month (though some I reused) to deal with her potato-like behavior (so sorry to all the actual potatoes out there, you don't act like narcissists, you're just yummy tubers who need to be cooked before being eaten--narcissists aren't yummy, nor should you ever try to cook them, as they probably taste like dirt or those earwax flavored jellybeans from the Harry Potter collection of confectionaries).  There's not 30, as I reused many of them on many of the days.  But these are all the ones I came up with (if I missed one, let me know):

  1. She can only give what she has.
  2. Know your limits, but also know the limits of the people you love.  
  3. This too shall pass.
  4. Get of your head and into reality.
  5. Just because someone is yelling at you, doesn't mean you should back down.  But it also doesn't mean you should let it bother you enough to get super angry, either.  Instead, just let someone else have their emotions without taking them in as yours.
  6. Sometimes you gotta just take a break.
  7. Beware of the old woman who gives out fake hugs, they may just be a ruse to make out with your husband".  This isn't much of mantra, as it is a reminder. I already wrote my mantra for this day above.
  8. Sometimes you just have to let go.
  9. I should not be afraid to ask for what I need.
  10. One thing at a time.
  11. You can't please an old dog who refuses to learn new tricks, so don't even try.
  12. Find another reason for being here, other than financial reasons.  If there is none, then make sure you're making the best out of the financial situation, because if you're getting nothing else out of it, at least make the best of what you do have.
  13. I can forgive you for being the way you are, but I will not allow you to repeat those mistakes again with me.  I will protect myself from you by being as grey rock as I can be with you. (I can forgive the cause, but I don't have to forgive the actions.)
  14. Don't sweat the small stuff, because it's all small stuff anymore, and who wants to be stressed out by stupid small stuff?
  15. Don't forget about the dementia.
  16. Read things more than once, just to make sure of their meaning (this one came after the 30 days was over LOL)

Okay, so those are the mantras for the month.  Let's hope they stick.  I should write them all down so I can see them regularly, so I don't forget them.  Feel free to try this out and make your own mantras that apply to your situation.  If you do, let me know how it worked for you :) 





About Post Author

Living life with with a narcissistic parent is one of the hardest things a child can do. Because narcissism doesn't stop with mom and dad, it usually bleeds through the entire extended family dymanic. And the abuse travels with us into adulthood, usually either until the narcissist dies or we go no contact. And usually, our abuse is never talked about, for fear of retaliation or judgment. So I am breaking my silence and showing the world what my mother's abuse looks like so maybe others will feel strong enough to do the same.

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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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