I was up all night, as was my husband.  We could not sleep.  Then at around 5 am, my oldest son comes into the room and has the stomach flu.  Damn, I was really hoping he wouldn't get it.  So far, my hubby hasn't gotten it and I hope that means he won't.  After that, neither of us could sleep so we watched Friends until around 8 am, and then we both fell back asleep.  Then we were awoken again, and I've been up ever since.  I am wide awake, too.  

Anyways, so yesterday, after my mother said she went onto Facebook and cyberstalked her two old stepdaughters (I say old because they have not had any contact with her since their father died, except once, when I sent the youngest to her house to get her father's ashes, which my mother just willingly handed over, strangely enough, thank goodness) I hadn't realized she was talking about other daughter when she was being insulting.  See, my mom loves the youngest girl and hates the oldest.  But what she said was "What happened to that sweet little girl she once was?"  and I was confused, because I assumed she meant the youngest, as she's never once spoken about the oldest in that way.  But then I saw the oldest's profile and saw what she was talking about.  The oldest is a stripper now and proud of it.  And her pictures leave little to the imagination.  But she has bipolar and is severely mentally ill, which is why my mother hated her so much.  So I still stand by what I said to her, that she was being judgmental and rude.  

Then my kids got on my case about being "combative" with her.  Sometimes I think my oldest son doesn't understand what boundaries mean.  He thinks I should just let her do and say whatever she likes and ignore her.  I said I normally do ignore her, but I will not stand for her idle gossip, nor will I stand for her being rude.  See, me standing up to her makes him horribly uncomfortable.  But just like me yelling at people in public (which is a joke between me and my kids--I used to get into yelling matches in public with people, but only because they'd start yelling at me first, it was this strange time in our lives filled with angry strangers, I have no idea why, and then all of a sudden, it just stopped), I taught him that sometimes you just have to speak up.  And eventually, he understood.  So, I have to teach him that boundaries are okay.  And I am not being combative by enforcing them.  

I never yelled at her.  It takes a LOT for me to yell at anyone.  And yesterday I almost did yell at her, after that whole screaming bit she was pulling (my youngest son said he got angry at that, too).  But I didn't.  You don't have to enforce boundaries by yelling, that's being combative.  But saying plainly "I don't like when you do this" or some sort of sentence that indicates you don't want to hear what they are saying when they are being a certain way, is enough.  If they don't stop, then you can add more, but boundaries are there for a reason. 

Then my son said to me "You have arbitrary boundaries placed just on her, because if I said that stuff, then you wouldn't care."  I said true.  But they aren't arbitrary.  If you said something about one of those girls, there is no bad blood between you all.  There is no power dynamic.  You were not their caretaker.  My mother abused those girls.  And neither of them never had a parent who loved them properly, especially not the older one.  Well, she did, but he died.  Also, you don't pretend you were the best caretaker they ever had.  You don't lie about our lives with them.  There are a thousand reasons I don't want my mother to talk shit about them, or anyone for that matter.  She was an awful mother to me, and then an awful caretaker to those girls, and she has ZERO right to talk shit about them.  Because she also talks the same shit about me, always has, always will.  So I am not the right person to listen to her bullshit.  That's my boundary with her.  I have many, but only because she forces me to.  I couldn't protect those kids back then, but I can now.  

Then they said "Well, you didn't like her anyways."  Meaning the oldest girl.  No, I didn't always like her.  But it was her behavior I didn't like, not her personally.  My mother, on the other hand, was and is full of vitriol whenever her name is brought up (usually by her).  But I didn't change my caretaking style for either of those girls based on my dislike of the one girl's behavior.  She is severely mentally ill.  And always has been since I first met her when she was around five or six.  Then I watched her mother verbally and emotionally abuse her for it for her entire life.  As well as their father.  He was a better dad when he was with my mother, but only because they were teamed up against her (which she will deny because she didn't even notice).  

Anyways, her being a stripper is nothing to be judgmental about.  I grew up in a broken home with two horribly shitty parents, and my plan was to also become a stripper.  Had I been this girl's age and not already had two kids?  I would have most definitely been a stripper, too.  Hell, I almost made a choice that would have ended me up in sexual slavery (it was an ad that I was planning on answering, and as it turns out, it was a lure to get young girls away from their families to force them into slavery).  Who knows how my life would have turned out had I not had kids young?  I would have been totally fucked.  And my parents would not have bailed me out.  I would have been stuck in that lifestyle whether I wanted it or not.  Not all sex workers hate their jobs, but many do, and many got duped into doing it in the first place.  Being a stripper is just step one towards being an escort.  And this girl's mother used to prostitute herself out of their family home.  So, what choice does he have in life with all of that stacked against her?  

We all act like "We all have choices."  The fuck we do.  That's some privileged ass bullshit right there.  Most people do not always have choices.  And we all don't have the same choices.   If you're poor?  You don't have as many choices as everyone else.  But if you're mentally ill?  Holy crap, your choices are severely limited.  If you came from a broken home?  You have way less choices.  If you were abused?  Even less.  Then you start adding these things together and that's when you have a perfect storm for all sorts of bullshit.  "But I came from a broken home, and look at me, I'm doing fine!"  Sure, but are you severely mentally ill?  Were you abused?  Are you poor?  Were certain doors closed to you?  Just because some of us got out of negative situations more unscathed doesn't mean everyone will.  How freaking narcissistic is it to think that just because you came out okay means we all will?  

Because that's how my mother thinks.  And that's why I don't let her talk shit about those kids.  Or anyone else for that matter.  She's clueless and has zero empathy for anyone (unless you're her golden child, but that's not even real empathy).  And that's where I built my boundaries with her.  And even though my kids think it's wrong, I am blocking Facebook on her web browser, because she has no right to cyberstalk anyone on there.  And I am scared she'll find me, too LOL  But even if she did, then that's what she gets for snooping.  But I hate her being judgmental.  And that's all she uses Facebook for.  She doesn't even have an account!  Oh wait, let me check if she does.  Okay, she doesn't.  

So yes, my job now is to teach my kids about boundaries.  And the easiest way to do that is with my mother.  Because if I don't teach them, they will live their lives ignoring people who are hurting them.  And I can't sit by and not at least try to help them not to let that happen.  Once it does, it'll be too late.  How can I tell them "Your girlfriend is being mean to you!"  They won't listen.  So, I need to start now, not later, when it's too late.  

If my mother is here to teach me anything, it's how to help my kids not allow shitty people like her ruing their lives.  

So that's something, right?