It's funny, you think you know something is going on, but you think "nah", because it just wouldn't be right and maybe you're just overreacting?  But as it turns out, I was right all along.  I found out that if I go shopping and then come home and leave a bag in the living room overnight, my mother goes through it.  Why do I leave bags in the living room?  Because I have ADHD, and sometimes I just don't remember it's there.  But also, sometimes I do it on purpose because I'm going to put it away later or because there is nowhere to put it just yet.  But as it turns out, she goes through all my bags when she knows I am sleeping.  Why?  I have no idea.  I don't know what she's looking for.  And a lot of the time, I have mail in there I don't want her to see.  

So, back in the day, when I first made the "no mail" rule, which means my mother is not allowed to get the mail for any reason whatsoever (because she has dementia and will try to buy or send for anything in an ad that comes in the mail...namely credit card applications), or is she allowed to go to the mailbox, period (because she's a fall risk, and our driveway is long and she will never take a cane or a walker with her when she gets it), I would walk to the recycling bin and toss the mail right in there.  Now, I knew she could still get at it, because she could just reach in and take it. But I wasn't going to pitch it in the garbage because that's wasteful.  And she could still get at it in there, too.  So I took to ripping it up into little pieces before tossing it into recycling.  But then I got a burn barrel.  So now I burn all paper and some cardboard.  I have a bag in our kitchen for burnables and a basket in my room for the same.  The one in my room is for stuff my mom doesn't need to get it, namely, the mail.  

But when it's full, I sometimes leave it in my bags in the living room so I can just take it out to turn the next day.  Turns out...my mother is getting into my bags and stealing mail, as well as my magazines and other things she finds.  I was wondering how she was getting a hold of this stuff.  Because a couple days ago she said "Oh, the cat was getting into your bag on the chair, so I went through it and found that you had bacon in there."  Now, I never leave cold things or food like that in my bags, but that day my son and I had went to the grocery store and when we came home, I just space on it.  So I went to find the bacon and it wasn't there.  I said "Where is it?"  She said "In the fridge".  So I threw it away and went up to her and said "Please do not go through my bags for any reason whatsoever."  She got all offended and said "The bacon is why the cat was getting into your bag".  I said "No it wasn't, she cannot smell it through the plastic.  She just loves to get into bags.  But please, never do that again.  Just leave my bags alone" (I use reusale bags, and my youngest cat loves to snoop in them looking for toys).  She got all huffy and put on her offended voice and said "All right!" all snotty and haughty.  

I am finally finding my voice.  I can say exactly what I want from her without hinting around or beating around the bush.  I don't need to allude to what I want from her anymore, for fear of me being rude or whatever else has been my issue for over 40 years (it's all been about punishment, I feared her punishing me and my kids, because she always did in some really cruel way).  Geez, do you know how much grief I could have saved myself if I would have just been 100% honest with her all the time??  If I could only go back in time to those moments when I needed to be upfront with her.  But I am now, so that's all that matters.  She gets offended but doesn't stay angry, because it doesn't suit her anymore to be.  She has zero hold over our lives anymore, and I hold all the cards in hers.  So being angry with me does nothing for her (although I do not punish her for being angry, I just either ignore her or try to talk to her about it--which never works LOL).  But see, her anger was a game.  A way to get narcissistic supply from me.  A way to make me feel small and would force me to suck up to her.  But I don't do that anymore.  I don't care if she's mad.  And because of that, she gets zero supply from me, so she has no reason to be angry at all. 

Every single thing with a narcissist is a ploy or a game or a way to get narcissistic supply.  If they do nice things, it feeds their ego and makes them look good and if they do bad things, it makes you angry and it gives them supply.  Every single choice they make they make out of "what will I get from this?"  If it's nothing, they just don't do anything at all. 

But at the same time, when I am straightforward with her, I have to repeat myself several times, or else she will act like I never said whatever it was and will keep doing it.  Our conversations usually go like this:

Me: Don't do this (insert whatever it is here) or remember to this.

Her: Insert excuse or blame on someone else here.

Me: Yes, but don't do this or remember to do this.

Her: More excuses.

Me: No reason for excuses, just try to remember this or please never do this again.  (and I walk away)

Back in the day, it used to go like this.

Me: (beats around bush)

Her: Excuses or tries to change the subject.

Me: (beats around bush some more)

Her: More excuses or blame on me.

Me: (getting angrier)  Yes, but I don't like this so please don't do this.

Her: More blame. 

Me: (getting super angry) I asked you not to do this.  So please do not do this anymore.  

Her: Changes subject.  

I like my direct way so much better.  So, I'm going to leave a bag in the living room with some fake stuff in it and a big note that says "STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY BAGS YA OLD HAG 😀" and see what she says about it LMAO!  It will be a joke, as her and I joke like that sometimes.  But the paper needs to be rude enough for her to comment on it so I know she saw it.  Most likely, she won't go through it anytime soon, as she will wait a few weeks to try again, thinking I forgot about it.  So I will have to keep putting them in the living room every so often to get her to make sure she's not starting up again.  

I had taken away her ability to the dishes a couple weeks ago, because a) she doesn't clean them at all and will literally put them away without washing them and b) she dug out two scrubbies from the garbage and placed them back in the holder on the sink.  Fucking ew.  But yesterday, she started to ask to do the dishes again.  As though she was just on punishment and now I can let up on her because enough time has passed.  That's what she did the last time I took away her dishwashing duties due to the same exact issues.  But this time, I took the scrubbies and soap and keep them in my room so she literally can't just start up again on her own.  The thought of her getting them out of the garbage and using them again on our dishes just disgusts me.  So my room has become the place where all things go to hide.  All the household cleaners.  All the bathroom stuff (that's ours).  All the extra kitchen stuff (which should soon go in the basement).  And other random things that I have to hide from her.  Which includes that mail that I have no room for.  I could just throw in into recycling.  Which may be what I do next, because I honestly have no room for a basket full of paper in my bedroom.  Just tear it up again and go from mailbox to recycling bin.  No need to bring it into the house.  But then I fear they're pitching it into landfills anyways, which is why I burn it (we can argue which is worse for the environment later).  She also tries to steal the grocery ads, which I shred and use in my compost in our garden.  

But just like everything else, this will be another thing I will have to either keep on her ass about it or change my behavior about (which irks me because then it feels like she won, but who cares, right?).  I will just have to take away her ability to go through my stuff.  I just hate crowding up my room with a bag of stuff.  And I can't leave it in the garage (this is when I don't know where the stuff will go) because she goes through my stuff in the garage, too.  And with my ADHD, I get too overwhelmed to do it all at once (run errands, bring stuff home, put it away, then find places for the non-grocery items, too).  It's not just my ADHD, I have POTS, and dyspraxia, too, which makes standing on my feet for long periods of time, well, sickening.  So I have to do everything in spurts.  Bring in groceries.  Rest.  Put groceries away.  Rest.  etc. etc.  So my ADHD kicks in, and sometimes the stuff I was going to find a place for I just plain forget about.  Or, like I said, I leave it on purpose to put away later.  I know that sounds annoying to you totally organized people, but you don't live in my head so you have idea what it's like to have to live this way.  I have become way more organized that I used to be.  But its's a process.  A long and drawn out one LOL 

But until then, my mom needs to stay the hell out of my stuff because what I buy is none of her damn business.  I mean, yes, she has dementia, so I am blaming it partially on that, even though I know it's not.  She's always been sooooooo invasive of my things.  ALWAYS.  But I'm just going to remove that cord between us that ties us together that says "What I do I do to you because I have no respect for you" and instead, treat her as the crazy lady she is.  And just stop leaving bags in the living room.  

Ugh.  On one hand, I want my house to be a place I can do things without other people mucking stuff up.  On the other hand, I am trying to be more organized.  So I guess I can look at this as a way to get more organized.  To look at it as a positive thing, rather than hurting my...pride?  Would it be that?  The part of me that says "This is MY space, and MY stuff, and I should be able to put it where I want!"  The part of me that says I am a grown ass woman and if I want a bag in my living room then I should be able to put a bag in my living room.  Instead, I can just remind myself to take care of what I bring into the house immediately because that's the right thing to do on my path to better organization.  Because that's a more healthy way to see things.  Because we all make allotments for those around us who are disabled and we don't hold grudges against them for it.  Like babyproofing a house.  Nobody gets angry at a baby for that.  So I don't need to hold this against my mother, who is like a baby, either.  It's a form of babyproofing.  And catproofing, since my cat is super annoying about getting into my stuff, too.  

Okay, that's settled then.  I will stop this behavior.  I will change my ways and put things away when I get home, immediately or as close to it as possible.  Because it's not about her controlling me (which is what I felt before), it's about idiotproofing the house, as I've done with so many other things.  

And I only call her an idiot because she's a narcissist, not because of her dementia.  I am not a total asshole.  

Okay, off to go make sure nothing is in my living room for baby to get into!  Until next time.