I have learned something about myself that I hate: I cannot say "no" to someone when they ask me to do something.  What's wrong with me?  Why am I such a people pleaser?  I know one reason is that I fear their response.  If you tell someone no, they usually come up with a hundred reasons why you should still say yes.  I don't want to deal with that.  What I hate more than saying no to someone is having to say no, over and over again, repeatedly.  

Point in case: 

A few days ago, I was out gathering black walnuts with my kids and husband (we process them for selling, we grind the shells to sell for polishing, as well as create walnut ink out of the husks to use and sell, so no part of the walnut goes to waste) at the park, and I get a phone call from my other next door neighbor, the one who tried to sucker me into watching my other next door neighbor's dog with her, making me do all the work.  She never has anything of use to say, so I didn't answer.  She called back again.  I thought "Oh no, is this an emergency?"  She didn't leave a message, so I assumed it wasn't.  Then she texted me "Shay, call me back ASAP".  I was livid.  My kids and hubby were livid, too, as we knew it wasn't an emergency, as she'd have left a message, so we knew she was disguising it as one to get me to be lured into calling her.  But I refused to play her game and texted her back instead:

Me: Oh no, what's wrong?  Sorry I didn't answer, my phone is being a jerk and my mic isn't working.  What's going on?  (look at me making excuses again--right now I'm reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle and I am learning just how stupid that is--I highly recommend this book)

Her: I got into an accident and need to hide my car in your driveway if that's okay. 

What the fuck did she just say to me?  She did what and wants me to do what?

Me: Sorry, we can't do that. 

Her: I would move it in the morning, it would just be for tonight. 

Me: Did you get involved in a hit and run?

Her: (sends me a picture of her busted up front end)  I didn't see someone stop in front of me and bumped them.  

Now, I am fucking livid.  Are you kidding me with this shit?  She didn't respond to my question, so I assumed she had got involved with a hit and run and now needs to hide her car from the cops.  Now, remember, never assume anything, even if it sounds exactly like what you think.  Always spell it out for them so you can get a definite yes or no.  People are stupid and most people do not think before they respond.  So she had no idea she was, what I thought of as, agreeing with me.  So I got angry.  And boy, it felt good to share my anger at someone who was trying to take advantage of me for once.  

Me: And you left the scene of the crime?  You aren't a child.  You know better.  You should have stopped.  Never ask me for anything like this ever again.  This is NOT OKAY.  

I don't think that was unreasonable, had that been what had actually happened.  I wasn't mean or cruel or used swear words.  And had she actually left the scene of the accident, she obviously hadn't been parented right and needed a swift kick in the ass.  But as it turns out, I was wrong.  Or so she says.  

Her: I didn't.  This is why I wanted to talk to you.  You're completely misunderstanding what I am saying.  

No I'm not.  She wasn't clear with me.  I didn't misunderstand a thing.  I assumed something, but I didn't misunderstand a damn thing.  Classic narc move.  To blame me for her being shady.  Also, when a narc refuses to text and would rather talk to you, it's so they can manipulate you with their words and emotions.  I always see this coming, so I never ever let it happen.  I had an old friend do that to me.  She was being cruel to me on social media, over and over again.  So I called her out on it and she said "Just let me call you".  I said no.  We never spoke again.  Good riddance.  

Me: You want to hide your car in my driveway.  I am on the person to ask that of.  If doesn't matter what happened.  If you want to hide your car there is a reason.  And we do not want to be involved.  

Her: From dad. 

Me:  Ahhh.  But still.  Sorry I overreacted, but I still don't want to be involved, sorry.  

Her: Okay whatever.

Now, I didn't have to apologize.  But what she says makes no sense to me.  We live directly next door.  How would her dad not see her car there?  And what good would that do?  Wouldn't he wonder where her car is?  Again, I said no four times.  FOUR.  Once should be enough.  But it never is with these people.  And I don't actually fear our other next door neighbor hounding me about this, but I do fear telling her no and having her get angry I said yes in the first place.  Why do I even care though?  

I have been learning something, something that I realized recently.  And I've been learning to use it in my daily life, as much as I can.  It's the phrase "I really doesn't matter anyways".  Meaning that in the grand scheme of life, when I am old and dying, will I give two shits about this experience?  Or about what this person said or did?  Does it actually fucking matter?  And no, pretty much anything negative in life doesn't matter.  Only the good stuff does.  So if it's uncomfortable, or scary, or just something you don't want to have to deal with?  You won't even remember it one day.  But you'll very much remember all the things you did.  And you may remember the day you took back your own power and stopped saying "yes" when you want to say "no".  

In the book "The Power of the Positive No", the author states when you want to say no, to say something positive, then say no, but then offer an alternative or something nice.  Like "Thank you so much for asking me, but I am sorry I will have to decline as I have too much on my plate as it is, and I won't see it slowing down anytime soon (you can add a reason or not, you don't have to offer any explanation at all if you don't want to).  But if you'd like me to watch B for a less amount of time, like 1-2 days at time, I am always happy to help out!"

My neighbor wants me to watch her dog for 30 days in January, at $10 a day, which means going over to their house 3-4 times a day, letting him out, playing with him, and then literally cooking the dog dinner each day (a chicken breast and rice).  Oh and cleaning up his piss and shit every time he goes in the house.  For one, that's a horribly long time for that boi to have to sleep alone each night and for two, what the fucking hell?  Yes, I am angry at her for asking, but I am more angry I always say yes, when I want to say no, and then I get stuck having to worry about saying no later.  She already knows I cook three dinners a day.  So she wants me to add a fourth?  Sigh.  But it's not her fault she oblivious.  I know she's oblivious and I still said yes.  So it's 100% my fault.  Well, I mean, she still asked me, which was ridiculously wrong in the first place, but I take full responsibility on saying yes.  

The funniest part: She was APPALLED that that our other neighbor asked me to hide her car, acting like the other woman was overstepping her bounds as a neighbor, but yet she can't see she's doing the same exact thing.  But then again, most people can't (I only told her because recently that same neighbor called her to ask her something strange, too).  

The saddest part: She sent me to a garage sale down the road to her "friend's" house and I showed up, and the woman just sat there talking shit about my neighbor, saying she was a motormouth and how she felt sad for her husband because he had to listen to her all day.  I felt so bad that my neighbor thought this horrendous bitch was her friend and I won't tell her what she said because I am sure it would hurt her pretty badly.  And all I could was think "How could she even like this woman?  I can tell she's a narcissist with a capital N just from meeting her after five seconds!" But that revelation made me even sadder, because I knew that my neighbor is one of the most oblivious people I've ever met (besides my mother's BFF Christmas).  And her asking me to help with her dog is only because she trusts me and it's not because she wants to take advantage of me.  She just doesn't realize to ask someone you hardly know to do such a big favor is just too much.  So, now I'm not angry with her anymore for asking.  But I still can't do it.  And I really, really need to work on saying no to people to begin with.  Or if I can't be straightforward in the moment, at least I can say "I will get back to you on that, I am not sure if I can."  

Because I am the type of person who thinks everything sounds like a good idea until I really think about it.  Why am I like this?   What happened to make me this way?  People pleasing was my strategy when I was young because it kept me safe.  Even though up until this moment, right now while writing this, I never realized I was such a people pleaser.  But what do I need to keep safe from now?  Why do I care if people think I'm rude if I say no?  If anyone, like the crazy woman next door who wanted to hide her car in my driveway, thinks I am rude for saying no?  They don't deserve to be in my life.  And are probably total assholes.  

There is this song called "It's All So Incredibly Loud" by Glass Animals that speaks of the fear we have the transitions.  We don't actually fear the new state of being.  We fear having to face that change, those few moments right before change comes.  The falling.  Just like the video below, the time you start to fall off the diving board until you hit the water.  It's only moments.  But we make it out in our minds to be something far greater than it is.  We fear saying the words.  "I quit."  "No."  "I'd like to break up."  "I don't want this."  "I can't."  And we fear the responses we get back.  But the entire thing only lasts moments (though with narcissists it may last longer than moments, but that's where boundaries come in).  Because once it's over, it's over.  The change is complete.  We may have a grieving process if it's important, like breaking up, but still.  The transformation is complete.  

So I just have to suck it up and tell her.  I think I will use what I said above about the positive, the no, and then the alternative.  Because what I fear is just a moment in time.  I will say no.  And it will be over.  And in the end, it doesn't really matter anyways, not in the grand scheme of life.  

I'm going to going to read this book "Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself" that's on Kindle.  I'll let you know if it's good or not.