Today was kind of fabulous.  I did waste most of the day playing video games on the PS4 again, but that was because of my POTS, as when I let the chickens out this morning I got super dizzy and felt like I was going to fall.  Twice.  So that set off my anxiety, which led me to playing video games most of the day (Spiritfarer is my game of choice right now...as I'd had my fill of Wytchwood for the moment).  Which led to a headache and just an overall icky feeling.  But then my kids and hubby went to the store and I decided to turn the game off and make my mom's dinner.  As I did, she came in and I was being nice.  She always tells me that I never tell her anything.  And I don't.  Because a) for good reason, she's obsessive and annoying, and b) my life is none of her business.  But I didn't want to make her mad when the lady comes tomorrow to take the last 10 of our chickens, so I told her that we're getting rid of them because of the expense.  I wasn't even lying about it, they are expensive ass pets who only give me eggs...something I cannot sell, nor do I really use.  Something I didn't realize until after we started getting so many eggs a day.  So the money and the work make it not worth it.  At least not right now at this stage in our lives.

So I told her about it  and she agreed with me about the expenses and how we didn't need that many eggs.  

And then she came back into the kitchen and tried to apologize for the other day.  

Sigh.

Her: I wanted to catch you and apologize for....

Me: Sunday, you mean?  What you did on Sunday?

Her: Oh yes.  Sunday.  I forgot what day it was.  (sure she did)  Yes.   So, I know you don't want me to clean that bathroom, but you were sick and I knew you didn't feel well, and I really really wanted to do something nice for you.  So, I was sweeping the one bathroom and thought I could go sweep the other.  Then, since I was there, I might as well clean the sink.  

Me: So, you thought I was sick and wanted to do something nice for me and chose to clean the one room I ask you to leave alone?  That doesn't make any sense.  Please do not pretend you cleaned that room for me.  

Her: I did, too! (whiny voice activated)

Me:  No, you cleaned it because you were mad.  You cleaned it because you told me you felt like you were living in filth (the sink was dirty....that was it--I had just cleaned the toilet).  You cleaned it because you were bored and wanted to pick a fight with me, because you knew you I would get angry.  If you cleaned it for me. then why did you start SCREAMING at me the moment I calmly said "Hey, you're not supposed to be cleaning that room."  You were irate right off the bat.  You didn't do it for me, you took advantage of the situation because you know I was sick so you could do whatever you want.  Just like you always do.  You've been picking fights with me for over week now.

Her: (rolls her eyes)  No I haven't!

Me: You just picked a fight me a couple days before about the cigarette machine.

Her: What cigarette machine?

Me: (I take a deep breath in, because she's fucking lying about pretending not to know what I am talking about...her dementia is not THAT bad yet)  You came in here and bothered me about not being able to roll your own cigarettes, knowing damn well I would say no.  You were bored, so you wanted to rile things up and pick a fight with me, even though the day prior I was in the ER.  So you knew I was in pain.  You were taking advantage of the situation, as well as just picking fights with me. 

Her: I am sorry I am so crabby! (she says in a shitty tone) Maybe change my meds and I won't be like that!

Me: (I choke out a laugh)  Are you kidding me?  This is who you are, mother.  This is who you've always been!  There is no changing you.  Your meds or depression have nothing to do with it.  

Her: (I don't remember her response)

Me: You know, I went in the ER on Wednesday night with severe excruciating pain.  By Sunday, I was better.  Then you physically assaulted me, forcing me into a shoving match with you over the bathroom door.  Does that sound like you cleaned the bathroom for me?  Over the fact you left cleaning wipes in there and wanted them back?  Your behavior forced me to go back on all my pain meds, as you hurt me!  What you did not was NOT okay!  It was horrible!  

(Let me add right here, I am so surprised she let me get this far without running away.)

Her: Well, what what was I supposed to clean for you if not the bathroom?  

(Yes, she didn't even comment on the fact she physically hurt me). 

Me: The kitchen cabinets were filthy.  The stove was filthy.  The kitchen floor needed sweeping.  You could have done any one of those things, but no, I was stuck doing them all instead.  

Her: (completely missing the point and put on a cheery voice)  Oh, I didn't know I was allowed to clean all that!  I will make sure to ask you for some cleaner the next time it needs to be done!

Me: That's not what I am saying here.  What I am saying is that you are lying to me about doing the bathroom for my benefit.  And then physically assaulting me over the fact.  

Her: Well, you're never going to believe me.  I am going to my room.  

Me: Of course I don't.  You don't know how to tell the truth!  

Her: Whatever.

Me: Mother, if your mouth is open, then I know you're lying.  I never believe anything that comes out of it.  The day you tell the truth?  Will be the day pigs fly out of my ass. 

Her: (yells from her bedroom behind a closed door) I don't need to argue with you anymore.

Me: Of course not!  You run away and hide like always.  You've done that my whole life.  You refuse to confront what's going on and never, ever take responsibility for what you did wrong.  And what you did was BEYOND wrong!  Nobody ever holds you accountable for your actions.  Well, I am done with that shit!  I am going to hold you accountable forever.  

End Scene.  

And yes, that was our conversation.  I did not embellish one word.  The only thing I did was not completely correctly remember the order in which things were said.  But I did say every single one of those words to her (and more, I just can't remember them...damn, I should have hit record on my phone!!).  I said them calmly and with anger, but no yelling.  Sometimes I surprise myself at how calm I can be when I am that fucking angry.  

Do you know how many times she's turned a situation like this around on me?  To say what she did, she did for my benefit?  Well, not this time.  I was done with that shit.  

I thought about this today: if my husband did to me what she did on Sunday???  I would either a) take him to a pysch to get his head checked or b) divorce his ass.  And if he had turned around and said "Oh, I was doing this thing for you", when the thing he did was being volatile to me the moment I said anything?  I'd know right then and there he was a narcissist.  Because fuck that guilting shit.  It doesn't work on me anymore.  

You know what I found out today?  I found out that I am not scared of her anymore.  Sure, I am scared of her reactions to something that will give her a meltdown.  But I am not longer scared of standing up to her.  The moment I got done yelling down the hallway to her closed door?  I put on music and danced while I made her stupid dinner.  This is the song that came on: