Oh boy.  When I thought my mother was able to control herself this holiday season, I was so very, very wrong.  

I felt better today, so we went and returned our Christmas tree that I just bought (it sucked).  And we went to the grocery store to get a reprint of a receipt.  We weren't gone long and I came home and someone was in the kid's (I say kid's, but they're grown men) bathroom, throwing things into the hallway.  I thought it was my youngest, but then I heard sweeping.  Oh no. 

See, she's not allowed to clean in there.  She's been told this over and over again.  We had a HUGE argument about it last summer (not this past summer, in 2021).  I caught her in there using bleach, something I do not allow in our house as I have terrible chemical sensitivities.  

Do you know what it's like to have a narcissistic parent and have allergies, sensitivities, and migraines?  I bet you do.  They don't give a single miniscule fuck.  They will do as they please and act like you're overreacting or that you don't matter.  How she even got the bleach cleaner to begin with, I have no clue.  But that was the last time she was allowed to go to the dollar store to get anything without me being there.  And eventually, I just put an end to that, too.  Now she's only allowed to go to resale shops.  Otherwise she will spend all my money.  

So we had a huge argument over that.  But that was NOTHING compared to today.  

Today, she actually got violent with me.  

I saw her throwing shit into the hallway and I heard the sweeping and I said "You know you're not allowed to clean in there."  I didn't say it mean.  I just stated it, like I always do with her.  But she wasn't having it.  She was in full meltdown mode and started screaming.  

Her: "I AM ALLOWED TO CLEAN ANYTHING I WANT!" 

Me: "No, you're not.  I've told you since forever ago that you are not allowed to clean that bathroom.  It's not your bathroom.  That's the kids' bathroom.  They need to clean it."  

Her: "SO I GUESS THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE THE OTHER BATHROOM THEN, IF THIS IS THEIR BATHROOM?" 

Me: "Mother, get out of there.  I told you you're not allowed to clean in there."  

Her: "THIS IS MY HOUSE, I AM ALLOWED TO CLEAN ANYTHING I WANT!!" 

She comes out, I go in the bathroom to use it.  And then she shoves the door into my back.  

Did I mention I just went to the ER Wednesday night because of the pain my back due to a huge cyst on my ovary?  Yeah, so getting hit in the back with the door isn't fun.

Oh no.  So this is what all this hyped up bullshit is coming to.  This is the head.  She's been "on" for over a fucking week, and now this is the culmination for all of that.  She's gone totally fucking insane.  

I shove the door back shut.  I am very, very angry now.  How dare she shove the door into me, and for what reason?  Actually, I am freaking out.  Because the action confused me.  Like for a moment, I was bewildered, wondering what in the actual fuck was going on.  All my instincts told me to do was keep that door shut, but she kept pushing it back in on me over and over again, and the door wouldn't lock because she was holding it.  On the other side of the door she's beating on the door with her free hand and screaming at the top of her lungs "GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF!!!"  I was like what stuff?  I looked down and saw a bag.  I jiggled the doorknob and got it to give and finally locked it.  "YOU JUST WANT TO GO IN THERE TO LOOK IN MY BAG!!"  What?  I looked in her bag and all it had was baby wipes and a toilet bowl scrubby wand.  So in that moment, the rage of what was going on around me mixed with the fact that it was over absolutely nothing just bubbled up and I opened the door and chucked her bag across the fucking kitchen and relocked the door.  What in the holy hell was going on here?  

Then my husband came in and found her beating at the door and screaming (before I chucked it) and he said "OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU??  YOU NEED TO GO IN YOUR ROOM!"  He was scared she was going to hit me when I chucked her bag.  I didn't even think of it, but he was right.  She is known for hitting me when I do things that surprise her.  

She said "YOU CANNOT TELL ME TO GO IN MY ROOM!!"  

He replied "I just did.  Now go!"  

She said "GO TO HELL!!"  

So he replied "I just might.  But I will definitely see you there." 

She screamed back "NO YOU WON'T!"  

So this, ladies and gents, is what a narcissistic violent meltdown looks like.  One could say it's dementia related, but it's not much different than her regular violent meltdowns (which she's had plenty of).  She has issues with violence and always has.  She's, how do I put this lightly...like seriously too dumb to know that putting her hands on other people is wrong.  Which what makes her having dementia sort of scary.  Like, how far will she eventually take it?  Will she actually seriously hurt me someday?  

Well, she did hurt me today.  If you read yesterday's blog then you'd know that I spent the night in the ER Wednesday night with a 6.5cm cyst on my ovary (that they thought was a kidney stone, due to how much pain I was in).  And then today, with her pushing into the bathroom door and I was pushing back, my back now hurts pretty good again.  Not as much as Wednesday night, but it doesn't feel good, whereas it's been feeling better all day today.  Now I am laid up in bed again.  

Then my son comes up from downstairs, hearing her screaming and unleashes a torrent of screaming back on her (not at first, at first he was talking to her), telling her she's so horrible and mean and how she abused me my whole life and now she's still being mean to me.  That "My mother does everything for you and all you do is complain!!"  She replies "She doesn't have to do everything for me!!"  To which both my son and I reply "Yes we do!"  My poor kid has taken her shit for so many years and never ever yells at her (though he did raise his voice at her recently when she was being horrible, but that was the first time in many years, but it wasn't quite yelling).  

Then we all went back and forth, and she refuses to believe that my rules for her life have anything to do with her physical therapist's and doctor's recommendations.  She broke her fucking arm taking out the garbage once.  So, I don't let her take out the garbage anymore.  It's not rocket science.  She falls for no freaking reason.  Sometimes she falls for actual reasons (like when she tried to step over the dog and broke her ribs).  But normal people can catch themselves.  She cannot.  Which is why I have rules in place.  To her stupid ass safe.

Sigh.  

I know, I know.  My old therapist is rolling his eyes  right now (if he knew about any of this), because I fell RIGHT into her trap.  She baited me.  And just like a hungry little fishy (or rather, a stupid fish), I didn't notice the lure on the worm.  I just took that worm and ran with it.  And got myself hurt for it.  Like, physically hurt.  I mean, I didn't actually cause it, because she did it for no reason, but I guess I shouldn't have went in the bathroom to shut the door to keep her out (I just didn't want her to break the damn toilet again).  We have a bidet in that bathroom and the toilet leaks.  So when she gets ahold of anything in there, she makes it worse or breaks it.  So she's not allowed to clean in that bathroom.   But she doesn't care what I want.  And now we have to keep the bathroom locked when we're not at home.  I just have to find the key now.  

Double sigh.  

I think I am going to call her neurologist and let them know about this violent outburst.  Because what else can I do?  

Later that day, I grabbed her laundry and she said "No, that's okay, I can...."  So I said "What can you do, ma?  Nothing.  That's what.  You can't use the steps to do laundry, so I have to. so shush."  This was one of her arguments, that she can climb the stairs to do laundry, when her physical therapist said there was no way in hell she's allowed to use stairs due to her dizziness and falling.  The other day she got so dizzy she almost passed out because of her blood pressure.  So, what if that happened on the stairs?  Plus, she trips over her own feet.  And that could easily happen while trucking up or down the steps.  Yeah, I can give her a 1,000 reasons why things are not good ideas or why I've forbade them, and she doesn't care.  SHE wants to do it.  So it only matters what SHE wants.  Screw what's actually good for her.  Which is why I am her caretaker.  She is literally incapable of taking care of herself.  

She doesn't like my rules.  She refuses to abide by them.  And then we get into it about it.  I am so freaking done with this.  I can't wait until she can go into a home.  

Remember my post a few posts ago that said "I think I've broke her"?  Like a horse?  HA!!  She's not broke in the least.  She was just biding her time for this.  Yay.  

Well, time to go make dinner.  She's trying to act as though everything is normal now, no apology, just sweeping it under the rug like an asshole.  So I've been ignoring her and avoiding her.  But tomorrow I will say something.  Or maybe tonight.  The night is still young.  It's only 6:30pm.  If she catches me cooking and tries to talk to me, I will tell her how much she hurt my back and how her behavior was inappropriate.  Granted, it won't fix her.  But it will show her that I don't let her off the hook so easily.  That she can physically assault me and get away with it.  I won't tell her I am calling her doctors tomorrow, though.  There is no reason to.  It's not a threat, it's something that needs to be done.  

I am also going to call her kidney doc for an appointment and ask about the stuff she was lying to her friends about (being "observed for kidney cancer" and the stage 3 kidney disease she doesn't seem to have--though that's not lying, I think she was misdiagnosed).  So tomorrow is a busy day of doctor's calls (for me, too--eye doc and gynie for my cyst).  

Here is what I've learned since Wednesday: I cannot be sick (for real sick, not little sicks like migraines, those don't count in her eyes).  When I am, she will take advantage of the situation for her benefit under the guise it's for me (or, she will leave me out of it entirely).  She's a manipulator (though, we already knew that), and a schemer, and an exploiter.  I just thought she had gotten better with the years, but she's been masking it for a long time.  And now she saw her moment and pounced.  Right into the bathroom door.  

I don't even have to call her names here, because you get it. 

Well, time to go make dinner.  But I can hear her ass in the hallway so I will wait until she's back in her room.  I am so hungry, too.  And this is why I feel like a prisoner in my own house most of the time.  Sigh.  

Until, most likely, tomorrow.