So I am watching "Fleishman is in Trouble" on Hulu and in episode 2 there is a scene when he notices that his son watched a lot of porn on his computer.  He calls him him and says something like "Are you interested in this stuff?  Can I get you a book for kids with pictures?"  and adds "Just so you know, that's not real.  That's not how actual people have sex."  

It's healing, even with fiction, to see a parent act normal.  To act the way they're supposed to act.  To be loving and kind and sweet with their kids.  

When my oldest son got ahold of his father's Maxim magazine, he cried and cried and cried and told me he was disgusting.  He told me that I would forever hate him and that if he told me if I knew what he was upset about, I would never think he was normal again.  I have to admit, he was terrifying me.  I told him no matter whatever it is, it would never change how much I love him or what I think of him.  My mind went to dark places, I thought maybe he murdered an animal for fun or something.  But as it turns out, he liked "to see girls boobs in their bras".  I literally started laughing.  Had I been drinking something, there would have been a spit take.  And I said "Oh my god!  You are so normal!  There's nothing weird about that!  That's 100% normal!  I am so sorry you were so upset about this, but why do you think your father has those magazines?"  He just thought his father was gross.  And he wasn't wrong, but not for that reason.  Well, a little for that reason (he was a porn/sex addict, but my son didn't know that or what that even was, then again, neither did I at the time).  

When I was 12, I got ahold of my father's porn books, magazines, and movies (he was a porn/sex addict, too).  And my mother found out.  She sat me down and looked at me and said "What the fuck is wrong with you??  Are you just as disgusting as your father?  Do you know what type of people look at this type of crap???!!  Is that who you are??  What the hell is wrong with you??"

I just had another memory come up.  This same thing happened when I was around 5 or so, and my mother was trying to get my dad to make out with her in their bed.  So I laid on the floor in the hallway and looked into their room and laughed.  She came running out like she was pissed and started screaming that I was a "sicko" and there was "something wrong with me" for peeking at them.  "What's wrong with you?" she had asked me.  I thought it was hilarious.  I couldn't understand why she was so mad.  She's always acted like anyone who had anything to do with sexuality was a "certain type of person" and that type of person was a perverted disgusting person.  

Yet, today, she talks about sex like a goddamned pervert.  Like, somehow because her friends do it, she has to do it, too, and now she objectifies men (just kidding, she has always objectified men) and talks about them in very disgusting ways.  Also, she loves to talk about her and her dead husband's sex life, as though that's an image I want in my mind.  I swear, the next time she talks about anything like this, I will remind her of how she treated me as a kid and teenager (calling me a whore and a slut) and tell her I have zero interest in ever hearing her bring up anything sexual, ever.  

Sigh.  

That's who my mother is.  She's not loving.  She's not kind.  She's not understanding.  But she's also not smart, either.  She's dumber than a box of rocks (my father-in-law once said that about his mother-in-law and it always stuck with me).  Imagine a very stupid person coming out of the 1950's era where sexuality was so horribly suppressed, and then trying to navigate a husband who was so addicted to porn.  But still.  Whoever thought someone like her should be a mother?  I get she's incapable of many things.  One of those things is thinking properly.  She literally is so dumb that having a conversation with her will actually make you feel more dumb.  And that's always been that way.  It's not just because she's old.  But back in the day, when I was young, I thought her word was gospel.  I thought everything she said was the truth.  So when she said these words to me, they hurt.  Deeply.  She sent a message to me that my sexuality was disgusting.  And that's something I've carried with me for my entire life.  

But now I look back at that time and remember that it wasn't my mother who said these things to me.  I have never had a mother.  It was a stupid woman who was put in charge of watching me.  Like a drunken babysitter who has zero common sense.  Do you know what it was like growing up with a high IQ for my age (not horribly high, but higher than average) and having to be kept down by someone like that?  Like, I knew I was smarter than her.  But I was told I wasn't.  She took every single opportunity to make me feel like I was stupid.  Even as a little kid.  What kind of adult thinks that being smarter than an 8 year old is something to be proud of?  Granted, a potato may have a higher IQ than my mother, so it wasn't that hard to be smarter than her.  But still.  I could have went farther in life had I had someone who supported me, rather than my reaction of "do nothing" (some kids want to excel when they have a parent like her, and some do the exact opposite).  I could have grown up not being constantly shamed for any little bit of my sexuality that showed.  It's amazing what kind of boxes we can put ourselves in when our parents shove us in there and nail the lid shut.  I still have boxes I am trying to escape from.  And some I never will.  

Sigh. 

Well, that's my thought for the day.  Off to finish this episode.  

Today went by as a pretty boring day.  My hubby and I were alone most of the day, as our kids stayed up all night and slept most of the day.  My mother was in and out and around, being noisy as she always is, jabbering on about nothing, always needing to be the center of attention.  It was annoying.  But that was it.  Last night we traded small gifts with each other.  I was very happy our boys loved what we got them.  And that my mother was happy with her stuff, too.  I mean, she never acts super happy about her gifts anymore, but who cares.  

Then, my kids made a huge decision to sell something of theirs to help our family pay off some debt that we desperately need to do in order to buy a new house in the next year.  They don't have to do it, but they want to, which I think is very adult of them.  They know the stakes.  They know what our plan is for the new year.  And they want to help, which is hard for them.  So I am very proud of them right now.  Even if they don't follow through, which they may not.  But I hope they do.  Because it will teach them a very valuable lesson in life.  And it will help them transition from childhood to adulthood a little more.  

There are steps we all take to become less dependent on our parents.  Some of us have always done it.  And some take little steps.  And some don't take any at all (and some can't).  My kids take little steps.  And that works for us.  But if they follow through with this, it will be a very good thing for everyone involved.  

Also, my husband finally found "the thing".  I've been searching for "the thing" for years, something we can all do to make money as a family, a business of sorts.  And my husband finally found it.  Granted, it may be just "a thing" and not "the thing", but I think that's who we are as people.  We need many "things", not just one.  But this is a great thing that we can all do together.  We've been researching and making plans and soon we'll be calling around to get quotes, etc. to get it rolling.  We're going to start a gaming convention in our town.  Right now, just twice a year, but if it works out and eventually gets bigger, then we'll do it every quarter.  I already know how putting on a show like this works, as I used to help my uncle do his every single year for over ten years.  And our kids know how these types of conventions work as they are in the world of gaming.  And I have experience with other things related to this as I used to run a non-profit for a couple years.  And my hubby is amazing DM/GM (game master) and can run some of the games himself, which I think people will line up for (as online he used run games and people would write to him about how much they love watching his games as he's so good at it).  So, I think this is "the thing" for us.  And, my store?  Caters to people who would go to things like this.  So I can set up a vending table for my own store at our events.  

Maybe nothing will come of us.  Or maybe, it will be "the thing".  Wouldn't it be funny if my hubby is going to college right now for his work and ends up not even needing to use his degree?  LOL  Oops.  Oh well, at least he will have that fall back on.  

Okay, it's nice to write a post that's not all about how much my mother annoys me.  And at least I can write about a holiday where my mother didn't act up and try to hurt anyone this time.  Well, not physically at least.  

Just so you know, my mother is sitting right next to me as I'm writing this.  She's on my shit list and for some reason, she thinks that she can come in and join my family while we're having fun.  And now I just want to barf.  

Anyways, so twice today, she was talking to her friends really loudly on the phone (she's partially deaf) and both times she shit-talked me.  With one, her newish/old friend Halloween called, and said she hadn't gotten her Christmas card yet, and my mother blamed me and said I probably lost them or didn't send it on purpose.  

The second time, her BFF Christmas called and Christmas said that she had called me the other day to tell me to have my mother call Halloween, since Halloween had called her and her husband because she could not get ahold of my mother.  And I freaking forgot all about it.  Also, Halloween is a bad influence on my mother and is a really horrible person, so I didn't make a note to remember to tell her, either.  Well, my mother told Christmas most likely I didn't tell her on purpose.  Christmas said "Why on earth would she do that?  She wouldn't do that, she just forgot."  And my mother said in a shitty voice "Sure."  You could just hear the eyeroll.  Well, at least Christmas stood up for me.

Today, talking about this to my son and my husband, I didn't realize just how much it bothered me that my mother is INTENT on making me look horrible to her friends, that I almost started crying.  Which startled me, because I normally do not cry.  But it just reminds that this shit will never end with her.  She will always do this, just as she always has.

And now my mother left the room, because I completely ignored her.  HA!  Git, you seahag!  (in fact, our nickname for her is YOS: Ye Olde Seahag).  

So, I went out today, in 40 below weatehr, got my mother her scratch tickets (lottery) to give to everyone for Christmas presents, and I came home and made her envelopes to put them in (I went on Canva and designed them and printed them out) and she gave me a compliment "Oh this is why I have such a clever daughter!  You're so talented!"  All I could think was "fuck off, you liar", but I didn't say a word.  But I am really angry about this.  Angry and hurt.  Now, I know her behavior today shouldn't bother me, but I feel like I can't do anything right, because no matter what I do, she will always want other people to hate me.  Her goal in life is to alienate me from everyone she has contact with.  Why?  I mean, she did this even when she had her faculties about her.  When she had her freedom.  When she's angry with me, I expect it.  But now?  Why?  Just a month ago I told her to cool it and to stop being such a horrendous person or else there will be consequences.  Well, she's back to being up to no good only four short weeks later, and I have no idea what those consequences should be.  

On top of that, today my mother also gave her friend Halloween my fucking telephone number, as well as my first and last name.  When Christmas called me, she told me that H wanted my phone number, and I said no.  But today, my mother all willy-nilly hands out my number without even thinking about asking me.  Of course, I mean, I never expect her to do the right thing, because she's incapable.  So, I immediately blocked that crazy woman's number from calling me, because she's one of those people who will call 50 times a day if you don't answer.  So, if my mother doesn't answer, that evil scorpion will call me instead.  And I am not having it.  So, I said to my mother, even though she didn't know that I knew she had already given her my number "So Christmas asked if H could have my number, and I said no, because if you don't answer your phone, she will call 50 times a day."  My mother didn't say word about it to me and acted like it was nothing.  When my mother talked to Christmas, she mentioned that she told me that H asked her for my number and my mother asked really quickly "Oh, what did she say?  Was she okay with it?"  Christmas couldn't remember.  But at least Christmas didn't give her my number (though mostly because she couldn't remember it). 

But I don't get what shaming me like that does for my mother.  I don't get why narcissists are so intent on destroying us, even if we don't even know about it.  Like, why does she want her idiot friends to think I am some kind of asshole?  I do everything for her and she's an ungrateful seahag.  Because if she was grateful, she'd not want her friends to think bad of me for apparently no fucking reason.  But this is what she does.  And I literally can't stand it.  

Our plan is to save enough money this year to put a down payment on a house.  This also means making extra money for spending money, since we'll have none.  So, we need to get on this and get to moving and put YOS in a home.  Because this is just stupid anymore.  I wonder what stupid shit she'll get up to this weekend?  I guarantee you it'll be something.  Sigh.  Until then. 

I just don't know where to start.  I guess I'll start with the fact that my mother is looking for ways to move out of the house.  Sigh.  I mean, she can't.  But the idea that she's trying scares the hell out of me.  I am her power of attorney for both medical and financial, and she went behind my back and tried to gain access to all of her money, which is ridiculous.  I say that because she has dementia, has zero idea how to pay her bills or how to spend her money.  If I give her access to a debit card, she will spend all her money in a single place and not have enough to pay a single bill.  She has defaulted on so many things due to sheer financial negligence, and that's not wholly to do with her dementia as that's been a reoccurring issue her entire life.  

Here's the thing: it's all a gas.  She's just blowing steam out her ass because she was angry I stuck up for myself.  She may even know that I check her computer and know all the things she's been Googling, which would mean that she did it on purpose.  But if she didn't know, which I suspect she doesn't (or doesn't remember or think about), it means she was lashing out.  That means I am not allowed to stick up for myself anymore as long as we're living together for fear of her lashing out and going behind my back and making plans.  Sigh.  

So, here's my plan:  I have been nothing but emotionally sick since the 27th, since she became violent with me over a bag of baby wipes.  Granted, it was more than about baby wipes, it was about me taking away her ability to do things, even though it's not me taking these things away.  Part of it is her health, both her physical health and her declining brain health.  The other part is the fact she's a raging fucking asshole.  When I allow her to help with meals, or do large cleaning jobs?  She's an irate lunatic.  Which is also partially why she was being such a cunt to me that day.  She was cleaning.  And cleaning means the beast becomes unleashed.  

When she cooks or cleans, she's overcome with feelings of being a victim.  "YOU made this room a mess!"  "YOU aren't helping me cook or clean!"  "YOU are putting MY dishes in places they do not go!" (never mind the fact that I paid for them).  "What the hell is wrong people??  This is such a fucking mess!!"  Blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch.  

So one of the first things I did was ban her from cooking holiday dinners.  Whenever the holidays came around, my stomach would be in knots.  She thought she was queen of the kitchen and had the right to scream and yell and act like an irate lunatic and a complete asshole to everyone, but especially to my oldest son, who is her scapegoat.  So, I said that was it.  And told her "Nope, you're done.  We're cooking from now on."  And she did not like that one bit.  So when Thanksgiving came this year and I was incapacitated due to my ER visit the night before?  I was terrified she was going to take advantage of it and try to take over cooking.  I was soooo happy when my two boys stepped up and cooked the entire meal with out my mother joining at all.  I was so proud of them.  But I was very surprised she didn't try to take over, because that's how she is.  

Then she kept both messing up doing the dishes, as well as used her doing the dishes as a way to shame my entire family, as well as scream at people for eating food.  "I JUST washed the dishes and now you're going to dirty them all down!!"  When it really had nothing to do with that, she just wanted to shame people for eating, which is another thing she does (wonder how I ended up with an eating disorder at 15?).  She was also forgetting to wash them and put them away dirty too many times.  So, I stopped her from washing them.  Then one day, she just started washing them again.  So I stopped her again, and then had to hide the scrubbies and dishsoap from her, which I still do.  She pretends now that she just "gave it all up", but I always remind her that she's not allowed.  The other thing was she DEMANDED I buy Dawn blue dishsoap and nothing else.  "Look, I can't get them clean without Dawn!"  I would reply "You can't seem to get them clean WITH Dawn either, ma, so it doesn't really matter what I buy."  So I took to buying generic and repouring it into the Dawn container and she never realized it for a very long time.  I couldn't afford actual Dawn so Dollar Tree blue dishsoap it was.  Everything with her so fucking particular, and she used it all a form of control.  The shame came in public when she'd say "Oh wow, I am not home right now, I guess the dishes won't get done" or "Nobody would ever do them unless I do them!"  Etc.  Etc.  Which was untrue.  She'd get angry if anyone else did them, so we didn't.  Not at first.  Eventually we did them more and more, until I just told her to stop completely.  

The thing is, if she just forgot to clean the dishes, I'd be nicer about it.  Dementia sucks.  I would never shame someone for that.  But she was MEAN.  And always has been MEAN.  As FUCK.  So, whenever she says "Oh, I just leave that for you and your husband to do!" I remind her "No, ma, you don't leave anything, you're just plain not allowed to do the dishes."  

So, I just looked at the calendar and I was wrong.  She was trying to gain access to her accounts the Saturday BEFORE her meltdown.  What the fuck?  I can't trust her at all anymore.  I don't know what's going on.  She also was cruising for life insurance, which makes zero sense, too.  Sigh.  I just wish I could install a browser for her that would let her get onto her email and that's it.  And I know I could do it, but we aren't at that stage yet.  I do have website blockers on her computer that stops her from gaining access to certain sites to spy on people (which she does all the time).  And I added both the websites for these accounts, but she still can call them on the phone if she wanted to.  Which won't do much other than make more problems for me trying to pay bills and whatnot.  And if I can't pay bills, we all will be homeless.  And since we were just homeless a few years ago, this terrifies me.  I am trying to keep everyone safe in this house: all the bills are paid on time, my mother's meds are ordered on time, I make sure everyone has clean clothes and full bellies.  How can I do any of that if she's going to start fucking around with the money?  

So, I guess I have to start being super nice to her and pretending like everything okay between us.  Frankly, it would be mentally healthier for me anyways.  Like I said, I've been emotionally sick ever since that day and today, I was quite nicer to her and with that, my mood lifted.  So I guess for the next year (or less), I will just be biting my tongue and playing nice again.  And keeping track of her stupid browser history and emails, as I usually do.  And I will clean my fucking ass off so there will be no more meltdowns about that.  I guess I have to buckle down and tighten up this ship so we can save enough money to move out.  And buckling down with my writing and my store.  My youngest son is taking over the grocery planning and helping me out with cooking, shopping, and he even organized my cabinets!!  I was floored at how much work he did.  And he pulls out the food for dinner for me and puts it on the counter.  I am so happy to have someone who is actually helping to alleviate my daily load.  Oh, and he does his own laundry, too :)  

Yes, ladies, he's 21, single, cooks, cleans, is a minimalist, and organizes ;)  

He's also going to help me in my store, too.  So, that will help light a fire under my ass to get stuff done.  And any extra money I make will go right into either savings or on credit cards.  

But what happens during the time I am trying to save and get stuff done is what scares me.  What if she tries some shit when I am not looking?  Well, I am usually on the lookout, but she always catches me by surprise.  I hate not seeing something coming.  I also hate that I have to keep such a diligent watch on her, as that's another form of control I am letting her have over me.  And it's not fair.  So, the quicker I can make and save money for us to move out, the less I will have to care about that.  

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

I just want to win the lottery LOL  But you can't win if you don't play and it's really not worth the money to even try.  But still.  It would be nice.  

Okay, that's it.  I am off to go to sleep.  It's like 3am and the stress of her is making me lose sleep lately.  I just want to relax and not think about her BS.  I think that's why I love Netflix so much LOL 

Lately, it's not been great for me.  Besides going to the ER with a huge cyst on my ovary that everyone thought was a kidney stone, and my mother being a total psycho for weeks, I've been having an upsurge in my adrenaline spikes due to my hyperadrenic POTS.  This makes my anxiety out of control, it fucks with my sleep and ramps up my sleep disorders.  Last night?  I woke up unable to open my left eye.  The rest of my face worked and it quickly fixed itself (I think I fell back asleep for a moment and then it went back to normal), but still, that was scary.  I cannot sleep more than hour or so with this upsurge in my POTS, too.  I keep waking up from adrenaline surges and I'm shaking.  I hate when this happens.  Also, my thoughts can spin out of control, too, which is something that's happened to me since childhood when my anxiety is bad.  And this is also when my migraines amp up.  Ugh.  Then on top of that, I decide to have it out with my mother yesterday, because after Sunday (Thanksgiving weekend), she went back to acting like everything was normal.  So I yelled at her last week about it.  Then she immediately went back to acting like everything was normal again.  Then she got out her cleaning supplies and decided to clean things in the kitchen I already cleaned, which is something she loves to do to act like what I did wasn't good enough.  And I just couldn't take it anymore.  

I am just so tired of her getting away with everything.  So I let her know very clearly she did not get away with anything, and never will.  Here is a basic outline of our conversation.  Then after that, I have snippets of our conversation that I cannot remember the order to.  

After I yelled at her though, I did not feel better at all.  I wish I did.  But she refused, once again, to take responsibility for a damn thing she did or said.  And it only frustrated me more, rather than make me feel better.  So, I felt horrible the rest of the day.  Not because of what I said to her, as I am always very succinct in my words with her and I never call her names or really swear (I do use swear words, but not directly at her).  I just state facts.  But her response is what made me feel sick.  As I feel utterly defeated because she'll never ever take responsibility for what she does.  I feel like I will always lose, as long as I live with her.  But I did give her an ultimatum.  And she knows, from previous experience with me, that I 100% mean what I say.  Okay, here it is.

Here is how our conversation went: 

"Why can't you apologize?"

"I am sorry." (in an angry voice)

"That's not an actual apology.  But for what?  What are you sorry for?"

"For cleaning the bathroom."

"NO.  That is NOT what you should be apologizing for!"

"What should I apologize for then?"

"Are you kidding me??  You should know!  You were violent with me!"

"Oh, I forgot."

"What??  Sure you did.  This just happened a week ago and you forgot you were violent with me?"

"Yes, I forgot."

"Funny, you always seem to 'forget' when you do something wrong.  Just like you 'forgot' that daddy used to abuse you and you both abused me as a kid."

"Oh, I didn't forget that." (meaning his abuse of her, not of me)

"Really??  Because you told me that my childhood didn't happen.  That I must have lived in a totally different home from you because none of that ever happened."

"Why do you always bring up the past?"

"Because it's not the past for me.  It never will be.  I live it every single day of my life and will until the day I die.  Why do you always want to pretend like it didn't happen?  Why can you take responsibility for what you did wrong?"

"You always do that.  Bring up stuff form the past.  It's over."  

"So, is what you did a week ago in the past, too?"

"Yes."  

"The hell it is.  You are like this all the time.  Well, not all the time, but you are a very violent person.  You've been violent with me too many times, mom.  And I don't think you'll ever stop.  And you blame it on being crabby."  

"Why did we buy this house together?  Why don't I just move out?"

"Why is that your go-to?  Why can't you just answer my questions or comment on what I say?  Why do you always bring it back to that?  It doesn't have anything to do with what happened." 

"I am asking you, why did we move in together if you hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you.  I hate your shitty behavior.  I hate your violence.  And I hate the fact that you can't own up to any of it."  (so I guess, I do hate her, because that makes up the whole of who she is)

"Again, I am asking you, why did we move in together?"

"Last Sunday, you were violent with me, and that was unacceptable" (I am ignoring her trying to evade)

"Why did we move in together?"

"Last Sunday, you were violent with me, and that was unacceptable.  You will NOT do that again or there will be consequences."  

"Whatever."

"Do you hear me?  I mean it.  I realize you had terrible parents who never taught you there were consequences for your actions, but I am your mother now and I will enforce them.  If you EVER are violent with me, my husband, my kids or any animal in this house, there WILL be consequences, do you hear me?"

"Yes."

"I want to hear you say it.  That you will not be violent again in this house, period."

"I will never do that ever again."  

"Thank you." 

(door shut, she was still talking about something, I don't know what)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, that was the gist of our conversation.  Now here are some more wonderful tidbits that were said during this wonderful time: 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"All you had to do was say 'I don't want to live here anymore' and they'd have taken you back and given you to a different family."

"You mean the adoption agency?"

"Yes.  I could have called them and they'd have taken you back and put you with someone else." 

I pause because of the horribleness and stupidity that was coming out of her mouth.  "You do realize you LEGALLY adopted me, right?  That you guys are my LEGAL parents.  The adoption agency had zero control over me by then, right?  You couldn't just return me like a broken product from a store!  You would have had to give me up for adoption for that happen!  Wait, would you have been okay with that?  Just handing me over like that?"  

"Yes."  

"WOW.  What a shitty thing to say!!  I mean, it's a total lie, as you would have kept your claws in me forever and would have laughed in my face had I asked for that back then, but still, what a shitty thing to say now!!"  

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I did apologize." 

"Saying it in a shitty tone of voice is NOT a real apology."

"I said in a nice tone of voice, too, and that wasn't good enough." (she's admitting she said it in a shitty voice)

"It wasn't nice, it was your fake nice voice.  It was condescending.  It wasn't real."

"I don't know what you want from me."

It was then I realized, I didn't know what I wanted from her either.  Because I knew she couldn't understand what it means to act like a normal human and actually mean her apology, and I could not explain it to her.  Because I knew she couldn't give it to me.  I wanted her to be normal.  That's what I wanted.  But she's incapable, so I just looked at her and said quietly "I don't know either."  

And that's when I felt it.  That's when I felt the underlying sick feeling of "this will never get better" seeping in, that ended up staying for the rest of the night.  It was defeat.  I was feeling utter and total defeat.  I knew I could never win with her and get what I wanted.  That none of the things I brought up to her would ever get resolved and never would.  I've come to this conclusion before, but for some reason, it just brought it all back.  It's a numb feeling.  It's total emptiness.  And as long as I have contact with her, it will never go away.  It's underlying in everything I do as long as I am around her.  But I have to remind myself, only one more year (or less).  That's it.  As long as I can stick to a budget, we will have saved enough to put a down payment on a house.  And then we can then put her in a home and be done with her.  I just have to keep this all in mind when I think of spending money I don't need to spend, that it's being saved for the greater good.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You've always done violent things to me.  You blame it on being crabby."

"You knew that before you moved in with me, that I've always been like that." 

"Wait...so you're admitting you're violent?  What?  You're admitting you know you're like this?"  And then it dawned on me she's admitting to being crabby, not violent.  But in reality, it's not actually different.  While she's downplaying her violence and making it palatable by calling it "crabby", she still was admitting to being a violent person.  But in her simplistic and delusional mind, what she's doing isn't so bad.  It's just "being crabby".  

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What you did was unacceptable."

"I wanted my bag of stuff."

"Your bag of baby wipes?"

"It had other things in it!"

"A toilet brush?  Are you kidding me?  You think it was okay that you got violent with me over a toilet brush and baby wipes?"

"My scrubbie and my cleaning brush was in there, too!"

"You're missing the point here, mother!  No matter what was in the bag, it was NOT okay for you to shove a door into me and then start beating on it and screaming for me to give you your bag back!  I don't care if that bag was full of gold!  Your behavior was inappropriate and wrong!!"

"If you knew I wanted it so bad, then why didn't you just give it to me?"  

"Are you kidding me right now?  What on earth did you think I would do to your bag of cleaning supplies?  Flush them down the toilet??  Even if I did, they are all replaceable.  What YOU did was not an appropriate reaction to me entering the bathroom.  It made no sense.  And then you became violent with me. OVER BABY WIPES!!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tell me this, if you came home and found my husband doing to me what you were doing to me, do you think that would have been okay?" 

Silence.

"So, if you came home and found Mr. Brooks being violent with me, the way you were, you'd have just stood there and let him do what he wanted with you saying nothing?" 

Silence. 

"Because if my husband had done to me what you did, I would DIVORCE HIM!!" 

"I am not your husband."

"Damn right you're not.  Which makes me wonder if I would not tolerate that kind of behavior from him, why should I tolerate it from you?" 

Silence.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You never take responsibility for what you do wrong, ever."

"Neither do you."

"Really now?  What have I ever done wrong to you?"

Silence.

I know what she means here.  Because there is only one thing she's ever complained about what I did to her.  "Oh, you mean when I stopped talking to you for fourteen months in 2017?  That was not me doing something wrong to you, it was 100% your fault."

"Sure, blame me for everything."

"Of course I will blame you for what you did wrong.  You were being abusive to me.  So I went no contact with you.  I was protecting myself and my family from you."

She started to say something but I cut her off, because there is nothing she could say to make me going no contact with her my fault.  I would NEVER stop talking to my own mother if I didn't have to.  Not many people would.  It's not like it was fun for me.  I had PTSD and dreamed about her every single night for almost a year straight (no joking).  I lived in fear of running into her again and having to speak to her, knowing damn well she'd turn it into some kind of pity party.  Remember, at the time, I lived one block away from her.  So the fear was constant whenever I left the house.  None of that was fun for me.  And when in 2018 we had to go back into her life due to being homeless?  It was EXACTLY how I feared it would happen.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I can live on my own!"

"You can't even walk into the doctor's office alone, how can you live alone?  You can't climb stairs so you can't do laundry, you can't cook food, shovel, mow the lawn, or pay the bills, or remember one word the doctor tells you, and you cannot drive at all.  So, how will you get anywhere or do anything for yourself?"  

"I can, too!!  I can live on my own!"  (she says in anger)

Sigh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I do everything for you and you're not even grateful."

"I am too!! I always say thank you!"

"Sometimes you do, sure.  But then you get into a mood where every single thing I do is wrong: it's not fast enough, good enough, or it should have been done different.  And then you don't say thank you, you just complain.  And sometimes you even yell at me about it!"

Silence.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You hurt me that day.  Physically hurt me after I went to the ER for being in so much pain, which put me back in tons of pain again and I had to start taking my pain medication again after finally being off of it.  And when I brought that up to you last week when I yelled at you about it, you said NOTHING.  No apology.  NOTHING."  

Silence.  

Then she changed the subject.  

Both my kids heard this and commented on it.  My oldest son was in the basement and heard everything and my youngest was in his room and heard it all, too.  Both said "Wow, you brought it up to her AGAIN, and she still said nothing.  No apology.  No excuses.  She just didn't say anything at all."  And because of that, they are both still pretty angry at her.

A loving mother would say "Oh wow, I can't believe I did that to you.  I am so sorry I hurt you.  I was overreacting and should never have let myself get that angry about nothing at all.  But I am really, really sorry I hurt you.  I wasn't thinking straight."  Granted, a loving mother would NEVER have done the thing she did in the first place (or any of the other million things she's done).  But even if a loving mother lost her cool and exploded over something stupid, she would take responsibility and be actually sorry.  My mother is incapable.  She can't even admit she did anything wrong.  She still thinks she was just "crabby" and it was no big deal.  Even though she physically hurt me.  But she can't admit she did that, because if she did, it would mean she's at fault. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I honestly can't remember any more.  If I do, I will come back here and add to it.  Remember, I write these things down for future remembering.  That way, if there is an issue, I can come back and see what was exactly said.  It's been helpful for so many reasons.  And you should do the same.  Somewhere nobody can get a hold of it and throw it away.  

Okay, that's the whole of it.  For now.  

Today is Mr. Brooks' fortieth.  And mother has on her sassy pants.  It's in her tone of voice.  I can hear it.  I know the sass is coming.  Considering I just had it out with her after last Sunday's "incident", I hope she can keep in her pants (haha I mean keep it in her head) for the weekend and just chill out.  But she scares me anymore.  I don't know what to expect from her.  It's like she's reverting back to the old days.  "I've been good enough for far too long" it's like she's saying with her actions.  But the thing is, I am not the same person I was back in the "old days".  So even if she tries, I will do my best to shut her down.  And if that doesn't work, I will take action (like, calling her doctor and having her taken in for observation).  That's a drastic measure, but if what she did a week ago was any indication of how our future is going to play out with her?  That is a step I will 100% take.  Her brother needed to be sedated because his dementia turned into all out physical rage (he even tried to kill a nurse).  So, if she tries some shit like that with me or anyone else in our house (including animals), she will be put away, no hesitation.  

But yeah, I hope this weekend is nice and she just stays calm.  But again, I can hear the sassiness in her voice.  So, we'll see.  Wish us luck. 

This is Phyllis.  She's an amazing chicken.  I held her for the first time today since she's become an adult.  It was kind of amazing.  She felt different than the other chickens.  More girthy.  Like her mama (meaning me LOL).  

My last 10 chickens went to their new home today.  They did so much better than then first 5.  My son and I were smart though, we got Phyllis and Gloria, our two who aren't laying yet and are skittish as fuck, into the coop before the family came to come get them.  That way they couldn't run away.  And it worked.  All the rest were easy to catch, as once they are laying, they do the "submissive squat" and let you pick them right up.  They may not always like it, but they let you do it anyways.  

I am not as attached to these girls as I thought I would be.  The first five left and I didn't even miss them, even though two of my favorites were in that group (Precious and Jenny).  I love animals, but for some reason, I see them as just chickens.  And when I realized they were overpriced pets and were never going to bring us any money (nobody buys eggs fresh out the chicken butts anymore), then I realize I had made a big mistake buying them.  But, I will say, it was fun while it lasted.  We learned a LOT.  And one day, I would like to have chickens again.  But not here.  Not now.  And maybe never again, who knows.  

But today we say goodbye to some cute ass chickens and I hope they will be happy free-ranging on a 2.5 acre farm.