So yesterday I found out where's she's been hiding her internet searches.  As I said, she's been looking up things about life insurance policies and calling random ones and giving out personal information.  But when I get on her browser, nothing comes up.  She has ZERO idea of how to clear her history, so I was just confused.  But then she left up her other browser: Microsoft Edge.  Oh.  So that's how she's been hiding things from me.  Well, while she was eating dinner last night, I went into her room and deleted it.  They say you can't, but you still can in Windows 10.  There are instructions online (if you want, I can share the link).  I can't stop it from reinstalling when she updates (though she never does without making me do it, so I'll just delete it again).  I mean, I can, the website says how to do that, too, but it could mess up your registry.  But I may just try it anyways.  

I am still not 100% sure I will confront her about all this.  But I may have to.  I mean, I know I should, but she's so erratic anymore. 

I am also installing this child parental control app on her computer so I can see everything she does, which I will have to pay monthly for.  But it's worth it.  I would not give two squats about what she searches or does, but she's not safe to be being online anymore without supervision.  It's only $5 a month for what I need it for, but they have a free week to try it out, so I will see how that works.  

Also, I am buying four video cameras for the house to keep an eye on her when I am not home (though I think I said that in my last post).  I will update with how they work out once I get them and get them working. 

In other news, yesterday, she was severely hypomanic/manic.  Her speech was pressured, she was wild and cleaning everything.  She even put curlers in her hair, even though she had nowhere to go.  She was a nonstop chatterbox, too.  Today, she was WIPED and slept most of the day.  I honestly believe she's bipolar and may need to have her checked out.  This would explain her massive tiredness all the time and her mood swings.  If she gets on the right meds, maybe that will help.  Not just her, but everyone in the house who has to deal with her.  We'll see though.  

That's it for today.  Let's hope I don't have to update again soon.  

So today my mother got on her computer and saw an ad for life insurance policies and I caught her talking to an agent on the phone telling him all her information.  So I marched into my son's room and pulled the plug on the main handset (he has the internet in there, which is where the phone is plugged into).  And my old coping mechanism came roaring back to me when she, or someone like her, does something crazy: my heart starts pumping out of control, I start shaking, and I can barely speak because I need to catch my breath.  The thing is, I have tried my damnedest to make sure she doesn't have access to her bank accounts, but the thing is, she just might have the bank numbers handy.   And then I'd have to figure out where she was buying it from, and cancel it, just like I did with the stupid Life Alert program she signed up for (they have a single digit away from the VA Pharmacy, on purpose, so confuse seniors who accidentally think they're calling the VA--what a terrible company!).  And there's no guarantee you'll get your money back if your senior buys something like that.  

So I am sitting in front of an open window, trying to cool off, because I burn up when I get this way.  I am not sure why I panicked so hard.  But I was just freaking out, trying to get to his room to pull the plug on the phone as fast as I could.  It worked.  But now I am stuck having to have a conversation with her about how that's not appropriate.  But maybe I don't?  She doesn't listen anyways, so instead, I could just do what I said before and install a browser on her computer so she can't have access to anything but her email and the newspaper.  Though maybe she saw this ad on the newspaper?  She put her fucking phone number in!!  And now we're going to be getting calls all day and night because they're going to sell it.  Sigh.  I will have to change it now.  And tell her it's her fault for putting her phone number into a website like that.  Ugh.  

So I went out to the kitchen to let my dogs out and her handset was on the counter, so I quickly switched mine with hers so I could see her redials and whatnot.  She deleted the call the from the insurance company.  Too bad I can see it on our account online.  I will call the guy back tomorrow and tell him my mother has dementia and he can't be speaking to her.  Never mind, I just called him right now and told him and he apologized.  

And this is why I listen to her phone calls.  I usually don't listen when she's talking to most of her silly little friends (especially not Halloween, she's irritating as hell).  But I can't trust her as far as I can throw her and that's not very far.  I think it's time to really lock down everything and close any accounts she may have access to.  Also, like I said, I may have to change our home phone number.  I WISH Xfinity would let me forward all calls to my phone and not let our home phone ring.  But alas, you can forward them, but your original phone will still ring.  Which is besides the point of why I need this service in the first place.  Ugh.  I need a senior proof internet and home phone.  

I am leaving our home phone unplugged for now.  I will wait until she says something about it.  Then I will act like "Oh no, it's not working?  Let me check on that for you."  And I will pretend to restart the internet to get it to work.  I don't know what to do about blocking her from doing this kind of stuff anymore.  

The issue here is that I just plain don't want to confront her about this.  Because I don't trust her not to get into an argument about money or whatever else she wants to complain about.  And I am just so done with her arguing with me about stuff.  Because sometimes, she gets physically violent.  And I told her, if she got physically violent with me again, she's off to a home.  Actually, she'll be committed to whatever place 911 commits her to.  There needs to be a paper trail of her violent behavior.  And so that's what I will do next.  

Okay, well, let's see where this takes us.  Ugh.  

NEXT DAY: I plugged the phone back in.  I found in her desk papers she wrote down more life insurance information, which I took and threw away.  She's manic today.  I really believe she's bipolar.  When she's like this she runs her mouth like diarrhea and her speech is pressured.  And that could be why she's making crazy choices, too.  This would explain a lot.  

She cleaned the living room again, even though it's MY stuff in there.  I am very annoyed, because she knows a) I don't want her going through my stuff, which she does regularly and b) I don't want her cleaning the living room, as it's MY mess, and MY stuff she's moving around and putting in weird places.  And plus, she never uses the living room.  It's where the rest of the family goes to watch TV and play video games.  She has no use for it.  

And she was listening to me about that rule until last Thanksgiving, when I went into the ER with severe pain due to a cyst on my ovary (caused by my Mirena IUD).  She used me being in severe pain as an excuse to do whatever she liked.  "Oh, Shay is laid up, I can run around and act like a jerkoff!"  Which is what brought about the "bathroom incident" where she physically attacked me.  And she's been cleaning the living room ever since.  So I put a note on the door today, stating "Please do not clean up the living room unless it's your mess.  Thank you!  --The Management".  She LOVES to leave notes for me all the time, so I leave notes for her.  She doesn't listen when I speak my wishes, but she usually does if I write them down.  She loves to take the garbage bag out of the can and leave it in the kitchen (or garage and not tell us it's there) so my dogs get into the bag and make a freaking mess.  So I wrote with dry erase marker on the fridge with arrows pointing down "Leave bag in can and do not remove".  She hasn't touched it since.  

My mother for some reason listens to the printed word, and never the spoken word.  Maybe she thinks if it's in writing it's FOR REAL.  I don't know.  It's weird.  Or maybe by publicly putting the words where everyone can see it shames her into submission?  I could see that.  She used to pull the stupid sides of the garbage bags into the can, so when you'd throw something away, it would just bounce right back out.  So I put a sign on top of the can "DO NOT PUT SIDES OF BAG INTO CAN!"  She never did it again.  But if I ask her?  I will have to ask 1,000 times before she even considers listening to me.  When we first moved in here, I had little notes all over the house for her.  She refused to do as I asked, EVER, so I had to put notes on every thing I wanted done or not done.  "Please leave backyard light on at all times!" (I even had to duct tape the light switch into the up position to get her to stop shutting it off).  "Please put draft snake back in front of door" because she would never ever put it back and still didn't with the sign.  The snake has been removed this year due to the fact our puppy thinks it's a huge stuffy toy and he destroyed it LOL  Right now I just put another little note up that says "Please stop leaving the back door wide open, it's winter and it's cold!  Duh!"  She will come in from smoking and shut the screen door and leave the actual back door wide open.  It's fucking 25 degrees out.  

One reason you see these types of notes in a house is because the person has dementia.  And my mother does.  So that's my excuse if anyone sees them.  "Oh ma has dementia and can't remember things".  It's not a lie.  The back door thing is most likely that reason.  But using the act of "cleaning" as an excuse to go through my stuff?  Is pure 100% narcissism.  She's always been like that.  She's nosy and likes to steal my stuff.  One time, I bought two books at the resale shop.  These books were two books I've wanted ever since seeing them at my husband's college waiting room.  They were old-fashioned black and white photos of our town in the old days, and both were hardcover.  And she saw them right after I bought them and hide them in her dresser.  Because her brother, my uncle, made the first types of these books (old postcard books) before they became popular and I think they reminded her of him.  But they weren't postcards, just pictures and she has his book.  She didn't even ask me about them, she just went through my stuff and stole them.  She's stolen other items of mine, too, which is why I am so hypervigilant about this shit.  I hate her touching anything of mine.  As a child, she'd go into my room when I wasn't home and "clean" my room and throw all my stuff in the garbage.  When I would go into the garbage to retrieve my items?  She started bringing my stuff to her mother's house to throw away.  That way she could just get rid of my beloved items and I'd never see them again.  I never did that to my kids.  If I cleaned their rooms, I'd have a box of their stuff so they could tell me what was garbage and what wasn't.  I was respectful of their property because nobody was ever respectful of mine.  

And she still isn't.  She needs to stick to cleaning her own room, her own bathroom, and leave the rest alone.  It's not hers.  And she's not doing it to be helpful, she's doing it lord it over the rest of us "Look how messy you are!  Why doesn't anyone ever clean this?" she'll yell while she's cleaning.  She also does it because I told her she can't.  If she were being actually helpful, she'd clean up the shit off her walls in her bathroom (or even the toilet seat) or clean the cat shit off her closet floor.  Or she'd do a number things that actually need to be done.  But no, she always wants to do what someone else either has or doesn't want her to do.  She covets.  And with her coveting, she using cleaning a way to get access to other people's things.  She's obsessed with other people's items has been her whole life.  If I put a lawn decor item in the yard?  She will leave her stuff alone and move mine 100x.  It's insane!

She also put the dishes away yesterday, which I didn't like either, as she breaks them because she's clumsy or puts things away in the wrong place.  But I'll let that go in favor of her not touching my stuff.  One thing at a time.  My son's therapist told me once to "pick and choose my battles" as a parent.  My old therapist also told me the same thing.  His advice was for my mother though, and he said to rate the issue from 1-10, and anything 5 and over to deal with, anything less to just ignore it.  It was good advice.  Too bad he was a shit therapist.  But even broken clocks are right twice a day.  

So I will let the dishes go and just make sure they're put away myself before she can get to them (they were left out from the night before).  Just like I clean the toilet every other day now.  If I don't, she will let hers get all wonky and gross and then complain she has to clean it.  But she always on about how much she LOVES cleaning, so I leave these things for her to do.  But then she uses that to complain she has to clean.  It's a stupid never-ending cycle. "Please let me clean!"  "Oh god!!  Why does nobody ever clean?!!"  We do clean, we just leave things for her to clean.  Ugh.  

So now I clean the toilets and the sinks and the mirrors, all things I left for her to do because she begged me to.  But I can't deal with her shitty behavior anymore so I just do them now.  She will even beg me to clean the stove.  So I leave it and she never does it.  So now I do it, so she can once again beg me to do it.  Like I said, it's never-ending.  

Well, time to go clean something.  Or not.  Actually, my son and I are going to get some stuff done for our store.  I can hear him up and in the kitchen.  Oh no, now I hear her, too.  Ugh.  I guess I'll wait until she leaves.  

Till next time. 

This is what she said to my husband yesterday when she came into the living room to go out front to throw something away and saw him typing on his computer.  I was in the bathroom and overheard.  He said "Nope."  And she replied "Aww, too bad!  You need to keep up with that!"  Then she added "Tell Shay I am STILL waiting for my crackers and cereal!"  And that's all she had to say about me. 

Never mind I am a writer, too.  Never mind I've written just as many, if not more books than my husband.  Never mind we have the same amount of books published.  Never fucking mind all that.  She loves to tell everyone "Oh, my son-in-law is a writer!" and they are shocked to find out so am I.  "Why didn't your mother tell us that?"  Because, my husband is her golden child.  And I am the person who supplies her with the items she wants and needs.  That's it.  Never mind I've been an artist my entire life and my paintings hang on our walls.  Or that I can play the violin.  Or that I am really good at building things.  Or I am a great mother and my kids love me.  Or that I am full of compassion and kindness and will help anyone I can.  Or that I am a defender and protector and used to protect her from my father.  Or even that I am a good driver (when I drive).  Or that I am creative in any way.  Nope.  I am none of those things to her.  She doesn't see me.  She sees the version of me she wants to see: the genie who grants her wishes (though not in a timely manner, she would say, because she complains about everything I do).  That's it.  She doesn't even tell people about that, either.  She leaves me out entirely.  Because she has a son-in-law who writes!!  So that makes her special.  

The difference between me and him?  He was picked up by a publisher (Wizards of the Coast) for a line of books back in 2007.  He wasn't published, mind you, as they pulled the entire line of fiction in order to concentrate on whatever they were releasing at the time.  It was great, we got a book advance for nothing, and we didn't even have to pay it back.  It paid for our wedding.  But that's it.  Ever since then, we've been writing and self-publishing, a few of which have five-star reviews (the rest just don't get reviewed, which is annoying LOL).  But see, since he was picked up by a major publisher, she can then take his accomplishment and use it to make her look special.  Even though he's not her family and even though she had nothing to do with it.  But see, to her, everyone is the same, related or not.  We're all objects to be used.  And since me and my kids haven't done anything of note (meaning accomplishments we can show off to others), nothing we do actually matters.  It doesn't matter if I am a good painter, nobody is hanging it in a gallery, so how can you brag about that?  

It's ridiculous.  

Not only that, she can then use this idea of my husband as the "published writer" to make me feel small.  She KNEW I could hear her.  She does this when she's bored.  Compliments people for something that other people in the house do, so that person feels bad she isn't complimenting them, too.  She knows exactly what she's doing.  And that angers me.  What a horrible human being you need to be to make your only daughter feel like a piece of shit just to make yourself feel better.  Good grief.  When I spend every single day doing her laundry, dishing out her pills to her, cooking for her, shopping for her, etc, etc.  I don't spend all day doing those things, but I do spend a good chunk.  And all she does instead of saying thanks is belittle me or complain.  Like I recently bought her a SHIT TON of oatmeal she likes.  But I didn't buy the one specific one she likes (they didn't have it), so she complains I didn't buy that one.  And then she wants me to go buy her cereal instead.  Nothing I do for her is good enough.  And she wonders why I don't like her or want to be around her.  Because every moment she spends with me is her doing those things: complaining, asking me to do something for her, or asking me to do something different from what I just did for her.  It's exhausting.  

2023 is the year of saving for us.  I have several savings accounts as well as savings systems.  And we've been already saving a good amount of money and it's only the 23rd of January.  Mr. Brooks has a job interview on Wednesday for a job in what he's going to school for at his work (he already knows all the HR people, too, due to his participation in a group they all belong to).  So maybe he'll get it, get  raise, and we'll be able to save even more?  We'll see.  If not, we're still off to a good start, but we can do better, too.  Our goal is to save $20,000 for a down payment for a house.  We don't have anywhere near that, but we will.  Maybe not all in 2023, but a hopefully we'll have over half, at least.  

We get a house?  We can put her in a home.  And I won't have to deal with this anymore.  Or at least start the process (Medicaid is very particular).  

And now I am off to go edit one of my memoirs.  Too bad my mother doesn't recognize I am a writer.  I mean, I wrote an entire book just about her!  Well, more than one.  

::gigglesnort::

I won't say there is a "saying" out there about this, but rather maybe more of a "sentiment"?  That if we ever get put in the position of control over our abusers, that we should do better than them.  And mostly, I do.  I am a billion times better than her to her than she was ever to me (and she still is bad to me).  I treat her with dignity, and actually take care of her when she's sick or at risk of being sick or hurting herself.  I take her seriously when she complains about pains or aches or symptoms.  She never did that for me.  But there are just some things I absolutely won't compromise on.  

1.  I won't waste money on her for stupid shit she wants (things she needs, yes, but not silly things she wants and doesn't need at all).  I will a little bit, now and then, because I am not a monster.  But not every single day, as she expects me to.  I won't give her expensive food or flavorings, because she can't taste them anyways.  I buy her cheap ranch sauce, not the expensive kind.  Things like that.  She did the same with me as a child, so why should I change for her?  But not only that, she can't freaking taste it!  Nor does she appreciate it when I do.  So, no.  I refuse to waste money on her for things like that.  And she doesn't complain about it.  So it's a win-win.  Rule: no wasting money on expensive food items (or frivolous bullshit) that aren't actually better (esp. when you can't taste them anyways).

2.  When I was a kid, I got clothes when I needed them.  I didn't get to shop all year-round for them, whenever I liked.  And I was never bought new clothes, only used.  So, that's what she gets.  Well, not really, I buy her new jeans every few months, but only because she ruins them regularly.  I can't depend on resale shops having her size, so I buy them off Amazon Wardrobe, try before you buy.  But before I took over everything in our house, she bought new clothes at least once a week.  Her HUGE closet is still filled with shirts, from front to back.  It's insane.  At first, she fought me on this.  HARD.  But now she's accepted it, I think.  Who knows with her.  But I don't let her shop, period.  I buy everything for her.  If I let her shop, she'd spend all our money in a week.  She's a shopping addict.  No buying clothes for fun until she gets rid of most of what she has already.  Rule: no wasting money on frivolous clothes (or anything else) shopping.

3.  I sometimes feed her exactly the same shitty meals she fed me as a child.  Not all the time.  Just sometimes.  They're cheap, easy to make, and I waste no time putting them together.  Growing up, we ate out of a box.  Period.  That was the extent of her gourmet cooking.  If it didn't say En-Cor, we didn't eat it.  I don't always feed her that crap, but I don't always feel like cooking.  Rule: if it was good enough back in the 80's to feed her family, it's good enough now.

4.  I treat her like a child.  Which is because she acts like a child.  I've told her numerous times I am her mother now.  And she's my kid.  It's not an insult.  But the tables have turned and now it's time for me to be in charge.  She was left to her own devices for FAR too long.  And because of that, she put herself in harm's way a thousand times over.  And now I am stuck cleaning up her messes.  So it's my way or the highway with her ( thought know I don't treat my family this way).  Rule: she may not like my rules, but if she wishes to live my house, she will obey them (or else it's to Shady Pines with ya, Ma!).  

5.  If she asks me too many times for something she's not allowed to have or for something I just can't get yet, I will put it off longer just to piss her off (know when I mean she's hounding me or being pissy).  Well, unless she can't have it, then it will never come.   But if she can't have something (like milkshakes, since she's lactose intolerant), I will make her an equivalent (like a frozen banana shake) that tastes the same.  But if she's a bitch about it, she gets nothing.  I don't allow her to be nasty to me.  I am not understanding of her shitty moods.  She never gave me one ounce of understanding as a child, so she doesn't get much from me, not when she's moody.  Also, if I do something nice for her and she complains?  She doesn't get it again.   Rule: if she can't ask nicely, she gets nothing.

6.  If she doesn't do as I say, I make it so she can't defy me again.  I have rules to keep her safe.  She's a literal idiot and will do things on purpose to hurt herself to get attention.  "I was standing on my counter today today to clean the top cabinets!" she once told her doctor in front of me.  "Shay saw me and walked out of the room.  What kind of daughter would leave their handicapped mother to do something like that??"  Me.  That's who.  This was years ago.  But she was still handicapped and still dizzy and still supposed to be walking with a cane.  And I caught her on her fucking counter.  So I just turned around and said "Good luck with that."  I was not there to save her.  She chose to put herself in that situation.  I did not live with her then.  But if I caught her doing that now?  I would remove all the chairs from the house and lock them away.  I already took away all the stepladders for this reason.  If I tell her once to stop doing something stupid?  And she does it again?  I remove that something (or lock it up, etc.) so she can't defy me again.  I was not this kind of mother with my kids.  I wasn't strict with them.  But I am beyond strict with her.  Because I have to be (otherwise she'll weasel her way back into doing whatever it is).  The thing is, she wasn't strict with me.  It was quite the opposite.  She was downright neglectful (minus the times she made arbitrary rules for no reason that didn't make any sense other than just to flex her "power over me" muscles).  But I refuse to be a neglectful caregiver to an elderly person who's hell bent on putting herself in the hospital (she broke a rib making a stupid choice in 2020, and broke her wrist also making a stupid choice in 2019) or other people (like, me taking away her right to drive when she refused to not drive down the middle of the road).  Like I said, I am her mother now.  So, my job is to keep her safe.  Even from her stupid self.  Though this rule also applies to rules I have to keep myself and family safe, too, whether they are physical things or personal boundaries. Rule: do as I say, or else I will take away your choice so you have to do as I say.  

I am sure there are more I could add here. But this is how I was treated as a kid (mostly).  And I see no reason to be different with her.  Thy say, if you end up in the position to have control over those that hurt you to be kinder.  Yes, I do agree with that.  Always be kind.  But don't be a freaking pushover.  Assert yourself.  Get some balls and flex them when needed.  I was born without balls (I am a girl, heh).  And my mother kept my balls at bay for all of my life until 2021 when I found them again (she was in a home for several months and I took over everything).  She thought she was the ONLY one with balls.  But as it turns out, my balls are not only bigger than hers, they are smarter, wiser, kinder, and just all-around better.  And did I mention they are soooo much bigger??  Yeah.  They're huge now.  I get to heal myself with my big 'ol balls and asserting them over the woman who has abused me up until...well, she's still abusing me.  But she has no power anymore.  At least none that she knows about, anyways.  

So, no, I don't always choose to do better than her.  I choose, at times, to give her doses of her own medicine.  But not in any way that will hurt her, unlike how she "parented" me.  There were plenty of times I could have and have been seriously hurt in her care (she recently just physically assaulted me, on Thanksgiving weekend of this past year).  So while I choose kinder ways to repay her, it's still healing to not always "do my best" with her.  Or maybe I am doing my best.  When I give her shitty dinners, I usually don't feel well or I am too tired.  Or sometimes it's "just because I want to".  So, her being fed, period, is my best (and she's fed every single day LOL).  But sometimes I don't do nice things for her when she's an asshole to me.  And that feels good.  It feels good to not have to bow down to the bitchy-ass overlord that masquerades as my mother.  I can say no sometimes.  It's quite empowering.  I suggest you try it.  It may change your life.  It did for me.  And still does, every single day.  

Okay, off to go read my new book I bought.  And tomorrow, I will be back at the grind, known as being my mother's caretaker.  Fun!  

This is our beautiful girl <3  She was, and is, and will be forever loved so much.  I miss her so much.  I was up all night last night crying my eyes out, which is not like me.  But watching her lay dying all weekend after having a stroke (she saw the vet on Friday who wasn't sure if it was a stroke or not), only for us to take her yesterday (on Monday) to the vet to have her put down while we held her...it was just too much.  I can't write about this right now.  Or I'll never stop crying.  

Today my mom made the joke at dinnertime "Someone go get D."  Referring to her.  As though her death is something to kid about.  But that's my mom for ya.  I grew up my entire life asking for the pepper at the dinner table only for her to say "Pepper?  He's dead."  I mean, the dog had been dead at least ten years she was still saying that stupid joke.  I fucking hate her jokes.  They aren't in the least funny.  

Now back to worldbuilding the world I am creating for my story instead of thinking about my dog.  I have to sleep tonight.  

RIP Sweet Girl.  You were so fucking awesome <3 

It's 2023 and my mother is still up to her old tricks.  I guess my warning to her to "behave or else there will be consequences" didn't stick in her brain.  But again, she has dementia, so I guess that makes sense.  She hasn't attacked me or provoked me really, she did a little though.  She's lactose intolerant and asked me to buy her a chocolate shake and I said no, you are lactose intolerant.  She kept saying she wasn't and I just shook my head.  So she said she'd ask her BFF Christmas to bring her one the next time she came over.  I was going to call Christmas right away, but I haven't yet.  But maybe tomorrow I will.  My mother has HORRIBLE diarrhea and we're doing everything we can to stop it from happening before she goes to diapers and now she wants thick-ass milk products to make the matter worse.  Yay.  But that's about as saucy as she's been all month.  

We're getting a full-sized portable dishwasher on Wednesday.  Thank freaking goodness.  I am also going to wash the dishes tomorrow and start purging them again.  We don't need so many freaking dishes.  I mean, I've already gone "minimalist" in the kitchen, but I think I may need to pare down even more.  The dishes situation is insane lately.  That's because we're cooking at home several times a day.  I got the kids off the disgusting and nasty and unhealthy "keto diet" and now we're all eating a plant-based whole-foods diet to see if my blood pressure and cholesterol go down (and my oldest son's too).  So far my BP hasn't, but we'll see.  Maybe it takes a minute?  I don't know.  I think I need this IUD out of me.  I think that's the cause of my high BP.  It's definitely the cause of my weight gain.  I have a consultation for a vaginal hysterectomy (meaning no down-time, no scars, no surgery) on the first of February, so hopefully we'll get this party started.  God, if I get my IUD out, I will no longer have migraines either.  I'll still get cervicogenic headaches, but the actual migraines should cease.  Oh, and it causes PAINFUL CYSTS on ovaries (some that need surgery)!  Little did I know.  Thank you, Thanksgiving 2022, when I was in the ER all night scared I was dying.  Good god, I have never had pain like that.  I think it was worse than contractions in childbirth.  I will be so very happy to be rid of all that jazz, thank you very much.  Also, according to ehealth.me, Mirena has been found in women who've been using it at least 2-5 years to have high blood pressure.  And that's me.  It's been almost 10 for me.  So, I bet you $1,000,000 once it's gone my BP will return to normal.  We'll see though. 

So, this is the year of saving for a down payment for a house.  We're paying off a large piece of debt first, around $4,000.  That's large to us.  Then we're off to the races.  

My mental health has been declining this winter.  It always does.  I have SAD.  I need one of those sunlight lamps.  I will look it up to get one and see if it works.  I am glad Amazon has a good return policy so I don't have to be stuck with something that doesn't work, like other stores.  I need a boost and medication doesn't work on me (one gives me horrible side effects and all the others don't work).  I can push myself to feel better, but most of the time I just can't anymore.  And I don't like that feeling.  Oh, I found a good one, so I'll be purchasing it tomorrow.  Here's the link (click here). 

2023 seems to hold some promise for us, if we can stick to our plans.  But it also seems like it will hold some terribleness to it, as well.  Three out of my five dogs seem to be on their last legs.  Two dogs are elderly: one who is fourteen (almost fifteen) has dementia, one who is seventeen is blind and deaf, and one who isn't even ten yet seems to have cancer with a tumor that is pushing her ribcage out.  She's going to the vet ASAP.  Sigh.  I really don't want to lose three dogs in a year, so let's hope some of them, or all of them, have more life left.  

That's just about it.  I have to quit typing before my computer dies.  So until next time.