Mother has been quiet.  She's been avoiding me.  Except for two days ago when she was up my ass about everything.  "Buy me this!"  "Buy me that!" "Do this for me!"  "Take me to the gas station!" "Do that for me!"  "Let me spend money!"  "Buy me clothes!"  Blah blah blah.  I am fine with buying her whatever she wants or needs, as long as it's not stupid.  And that day she wanted to go buy lottery tickets, candy, and sugary drinks.  Do I need to keep reminding her she has diabetes??  She thinks that because she takes her meds, she can do what she likes.  And that's not how that works.  So, I said no.  She did not like that and has avoided me since.  Oh, well.  Good for me!!

But also, bad for me.  This means she could be gearing up for something big.  Who knows, she always takes me by surprise.  When I think she's gearing up, she acts normal.  When I don't expect it, then BAM!!!  She hits me with a door!!  Like, literally.  

She did tell me she ordered a catalog from the flower shop online, which means she'll want to spend another $100 on flowers this year.  And I am going to say no, because we are not living here forever.  And she buys shit to plant to keep here forever, thinking I will take it with me when I leave.  And I am not.  Because I hate her stupid flowers.  "Oh the bleeding hearts are coming up!!"  And all I can think is "I fucking hate bleeding hearts."  "Oh the roses are growing!"  "I fucking hate roses."  Why on earth does she pick the ugliest flowers to plant?  I am just very particular about my flowers and everything she picks is just so ugly to me.  Roses stink and have thorns are just not pretty.  Both my NM and my NMIL love them.  That's reason enough to hate them.  

I love the spring weather, but I hate how my mother is when the weather is warm.  She takes over everything outside.  I planted some lilac bushes a few years ago, before we knew we were leaving, and she got so fucking mad at me for planting them without telling her (because apparently SHE was the only person who was allowed to plant things in the ground here--something she vehemently denies doing now).  THEN she took them over as though they were hers to worry about.  So, I honestly hate anything to do with planting in the ground here.  I am even nixing the idea of another food garden (I plant one every year).  The first year SHE picked out all the fucking plants, and then DEMANDED I plant them where SHE wanted, and when I didn't, she threw a fit.  Then she just stopped watering half of them and they all died.  After that, I had to separate her from my garden.  Now, I don't even want to do one (after a HUGE crop of mine failed last year due to bugs), and instead I am only planting herbs and sprouts (indoor sprouts).  They are healthier anyways.  

I am really not in a shit mood, even though I seem like I am.  I am just not looking forward to another summer with her.  She can't get a knee replacement, so I am stuck with her with no vacation.  Oh well.  

When I am feeling like this, I remind myself that my life isn't the worst.  Today I was reminded that my friend's son is dead.  He was a good man and I have no idea how he died.  He was my little buddy when he was little.  And somehow, this young man in his early twenties doesn't get to be here anymore.  He's one year older than my oldest.  And I realize just how fucking lucky I am to have both my kids and my hubby and who fucking cares if I have to be around my mother.  At least my sons are still here.  At least I am not a widow (I had an old friend who TWICE widowed before age 40).  And I have to be grateful for what I have.  I am listening to little Jimmy's death song right now (I have this thing with death songs--they come to me after I find out someone's died...like my grandma's is Train's "Calling All Angels" and my ex-NFIL's song is "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson.  Little Jimmy's is "Lenticular Clouds" by The Floating Whale).  And I remember him being a toddler and I thought to myself "She had no idea back then he wouldn't live to be 25."  Being a mother is scary as fuck.  But that what keeps us humble.  That's what keeps us grateful, right?  And while I know my mother is crazy, I am goddammed lucky to still have my actual family around me.  And that's what I have to keep my eyes on: what I have.  Because I may not have it one day.  And Jimmy makes me remember that <3