Today she told my cousins that SHE put down HER dog.  She didn't say WE put down OUR dog, which still wouldn't be correct, but it would be better.  She wants to keep me separate from my family.  She wants them to think of her as a single entity, and not us and her as a family.  The dog was MINE.  I put her down, not her.  She didn't make the choice, she didn't take care of her when she was sick, and she didn't pay for any of the vet bills.  But by telling my family it was her dog and she had to make the decision and do all the shit, SHE gets all the sympathy that way.  Awww.  So cute.  

So maybe it's more that reason, than excluding me?  But she always excludes me, so it just felt like yet another jab at putting a divide between me and my family.  Because the dog was MINE and I was the one who held her as they got ready to put the shot into her after she had had a stroke that morning, and my husband was the one who held her as she passed, SHE gets all the "awws, poor baby lost her doggie!".  How fucking sick that is to take credit for a dog she gave up on YEARS ago?  It makes me so angry and so sad for our dog, to have a woman who couldn't stand her, so she gave her to me, get sympathy for her dying.  What a fucking asshole!  

My mother is the reason my family hates me.  Now, firstly, I wrote a blog post about the TRUTH of my life being abused growing up and how my family knew it was happening and ignored it.  I also wrote another blog post (just two in total) about how my family abandoned my grandparents who had Alzheimer's to me and my mother to take care of (thought if you asked my mother, she'd tell you I did nothing, even though I did a LOT for both of them--but that's how she is: Shay is a lazy bum who did nothing in life, she did everything--yet another thing that triggers me about my dog dying).  So, wrote two blog posts and my family got mad and we talked about it and it was fine.  BUT THEN my mother stepped in.  And now I haven't talked to them all since.  Well, pretty much.  That was in 2013, which was The Great Awakening (the time when I realized mother had NPD).  Mother went to the family reunion and did nothing but talk shit about me the entire time and made them believe I was fucking crazy.  

THIS is why I am writing memoirs.  THIS is why I need to publish them.  I am sick of her curating my image for me.  I need to the truth to be told to the world, even if nobody cares but me.  At least the truth is out there.  At least I said what I needed to say to set the record straight in the world.  I am so tired of this bullshit.  I am tired of her lies.  I am so tired of all of this.  But like my shitty therapist once said "it's only temporary", meaning taking care of my mother.  And I know this is true.  So, I will deal with it until I don't have to anymore, no matter how long it takes.  I have to remind myself, who cares what my shitty cousins think of me?  I am free of them.  Let the narcissists play games with the other narcissists.  Half of what they say are probably lies, too.  I don't even need to care about it.  

We've been working on our credit, paying down debt, and now we're going to get a loan to pay off a HUGE debt that we got sued over, and now we're paying on, BUT we're not getting any freaking credit for it (they don't report to credit agencies).  So if we get a loan and pay on that instead, we'll get our credit scores moving up. 

Also, I've been working non-stop on my store: creating all my online crap as well as working on products and doing product research to make my products better than they are.  It's hard work, especially when you have POTS.  I walked two miles two days ago, and yesterday I could have slept all day.  But I've also been super freaking sleepy all week (this happens sometimes) and I haven't been able to get the work done I need to do.  Also, last night, I had a doctor's appointment for a consult for my hysterectomy, and I chickened out.  I am terrified of both the doctor himself and of having it done.  Ugh.  I am also terrified of having it done when my mother knows about it.  She will tell my business to everyone.  And I don't want her to know about it.  So, I will wait until she sees her ortho for a consult for knee replacement surgery and see when they schedule her for and then I'll know when she'll be in rehab, and hopefully schedule my surgery for then.  It's only one day down-time, so it won't mess up my vacation away from her, I hope LOL.  

So that's it for now.  Kinda.  Time to go work on my store's inventory.