Healing From Her: August 2023

Today I was watching the latest episode of "The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart" and I had a visceral flashback reaction to the episode. Had I been alone, I would have let the episode wash over and let myself fully react to it. But I was with my husband and I don't do shit like that in front of others. He has no idea what it's like to experience physical abuse like that or watch it happen to your mother. He has no idea what it's like to lay in your bed, and disassociate in order to remove yourself from being able to hear the abuse going on in the other room. And he has no idea what it's like to still have triggered reactions to things in life due to this. Nobody in my life does. He had his own abuse in childhood. But it wasn't like mine. It was chaotic, loud, and terrifying. His was more neglect and emotional abuse. I got to hear the chairs being thrown, the glass breaking, the shoving of bodies into furniture. I got to hear it all. I even got to experience a bit myself, in childhood, teenage years, and adulthood. And even got to experience some as an adult from my own crazy ass mother. The last time she did it was Thanksgiving on 2022 (this past Thanksgiving) after I went to the ER the night before and almost needing surgery (but luckily didn't, but I was still in extreme pain). It's funny. After that night, I kept thinking "did I overreact? was what she did as bad as I made it out to be?" And after watching this, feeling that feeling in my gut all over again (though this time it was so much more than that), the answer is yes. What she did that day was pretty fucking bad. And I will not allow it to happen again without me having her committing to our hospital's psych floor for being violent.

I am so angry right now. After watching this entire show so far, and each episode reminds me of what I went through. No, my father's physical violence was nowhere near as bad as this show, but it was bad. And all I could see was my father's anger in the men's eyes (there are two so far that have beaten women) and realize I am not okay with my dad's behavior anymore. Yes, I would say twelve years after his death, I did forgive him and heal from his abuse. But healing doesn't always mean forever. "I am healed" is not an "end" statement, like a destination you arrive at. It's a "for now" statement. A "in this moment statement". I was healed. I had forgiven him. But I am heading back towards reopening those wounds again, and have been for a long time. Or rather, I am peeling off the scab that never healed. Not that it's a good thing to peel scabs off. But sometimes there's infection underneath you need to let ooze out a little. Infection you didn't realize was there. Or maybe it's a reinfection? Like, some kind of bacteria got in there and made a mess of things that you thought were long healed. But just so you know, his abuse is the bacteria. Not the shows I watch. I am not reinfecting myself with them. He's reinfecting me (as is my mother). Because abuse is like chicken pox. It will resurface forever, especially when you are mentally overwhelmed (like how chicken pox becomes shingles and manifest when you're physically run down). I have been very open-wounded lately. And those open wounds allow my abuse to bubble up to the surface again, forcing me to have to work through it in a different way all over again.

I am creating a healing program for my healing circle that I am attempting to start and I think I will use the ideas I am making for my program to help me on this healing journey I am on, once again.

Do you know how wonderful it feels to be "healed" and having forgiven your abuser? Only to be enraged all over again eleven years later when things keep triggering you? I've been triggered all throughout these years, but nothing ever made me feel like I was going backwards. But I've come a startling conclusion through all of this:

Perhaps he should have never been forgiven? Perhaps I only did so in order to heal myself and it was best for me at the time. But maybe I am ready now, to deal with things I never had the courage to deal with before? And maybe this time around, I won't need to forgive him in order to heal?

Today after Christmas left, my son came up to me and said "Did you hang out with Grandma and Christmas all afternoon on purpose?" I said yes. He said "Ha! Yeah, she knows damn well she can't ask you to leave because what other reason would someone have to ask someone else to leave unless they were going to talk shit about them!" I laughed and said "Exactly."

Before we moved here, I hung out with my mom and Christmas and their gang of wayward weirdos every single day. So, this wasn't out of the ordinary. It's just been the past three years since moving in here have I left my mother to her own devices with her friends. And since finding out she's using that time to do devious things behind my back, that's no longer an option for her anymore. Now, we're all gonna hang out together, every single time.

Good thing Christmas is her last friend, because goodness knows I would not want to hang out with any of her other ones. Ugh.

Anyways, today I served coffee cake and apple cider and coffee and cinnamon rolls and we all chatted around our kitchen table. Then mother started bashing one of the girls from her old gang, one of the ones that died, and Christmas joined in. I hated the woman (who I haven't talked about in years, but used to call her BM so I will call her that for this blog post), so even though I do not advocate for letting my mother talk shit about other people, especially one of her friends, this particular woman was a total two-faced asshole who used my mother, Christmas, and myself, for as much as she could take us for. BUT...then my mother started in on her old trademark bullshit grandiloquence of stating how she "never once felt sorry for BM's mother, who allowed her child to be abused by her husband". This was something she said quite often back in the twenty-tens, prior to The Great Awakening (when I started this blog), and I would sit there and look at her and think "You did the SAME thing to me!" But then I rationalized it away by thinking maybe it was her secret way of apologizing? Yes, that's it! She can't say something like that with a straight face and think she wasn't as guilty of that as BM's mother was. Turns out, I was 100% wrong and she refused to admit my father abused me (which is The Great Awakening--realizing 'ol mother was a narcissist).

Well, she said it again today. And I ALMOST laughed out loud. But then Christmas added "Well, then I don't blame her (BM) for using her mother for all she had. She was a terrible mother." So, I saw my chance to relate my situation with my own mother sitting at the table to BM and her mother. So, I added "Damn straight, her mother owed her!" Christmas smiled and said "She sure did!" And my husband laughed, knowing I was talking about my own mother. I am not sure if Christmas got it, too. And I am sure my own mother didn't. But it doesn't matter. I got to say it LOL And I finally got to say something when she brought it up again. It's been probably at least five years since she's said it last, so it felt good to bounce back with something.

So, then Christmas left, and I offered to back her car up for her, so that way mother could not walk her to her car and say shit about me (or about the crap she wanted C to buy for her). And that was that. It went perfectly.

Well, not at first. At first, I was having such anxiety sitting at the table with my mother that I was dizzy and felt horrible and couldn't breathe right (my chest even hurt). I sat there for about an half an hour that way until I'd had enough. So I went to the bathroom and said to myself "Self, I do not know what manager is having an issue sitting with my mother at the dinner table, but know that I am safe. Know that she cannot hurt me and I am okay. So please, just let this manager slip out and put someone else in charge, because we are not eating dinner together, so you don't have to protect me right now."

Did I feel like a fucking weirdo for talking to myself (well, whispering) in the bathroom today? Yes. But did it work? Amazingly, yes. I walked back out and just like that, my anxiety was 100% gone. And I got to actually enjoy the rest of our visit.

If you don't recognize what I was saying, then you need to learn about IFS (internal family systems). Google it right now and let it blow your mind. Managers in IFS are those who "manage" your reactions to situations and events in life. Firefighters are the bozos who show up screaming, wanting to put the fire out (they are the reactionaries). Both are protecting your inner children from being retraumatized. And sitting at the dinner table with Mummy is a HUGE trigger for me. I had forgotten since it's been so long. So, I had to go in the bathroom and straighten myself out, and even though I didn't expect it to, it worked!! So that was quite amazing! I think that was the best thing out of this entire issue/event!

So, I'll be doing more of that as time goes on. If this entire issue with my idiot mother was to teach me how to do that? Then it was worth it. I am quite happy with how this has turned out so far. Let's just hope it doesn't get worse. Because we all know that narcissists love to make things worse.

Every single day, I seem to be falling further and further into my anxious brain. I am trying really hard to push it so it doesn't get as bad as last time. Because a) that sucked and b) my hubby will be working again soon and I can't do this shit alone. So, I have to make it stop. I think I am learning to do better and to make my brain work better, and most of all, push myself back into my role of WOTH (remember WOTH?? click here--this was the best idea I ever had) as I've let myself slide back into nothingness again.

I forget I am the WOTH (woman of the house). I tend to forget that I am in fucking charge and constantly revert back to my hiding bullshit, which makes me retreat into myself and pretend like I am not dealing with an elderly covert narcissist seahag who is intent on making my life miserable. My mother loves it when I retreat. Because when I don't, she pushes my boundaries, just to show me she can and also to drive me fucking batty. But I am not her child. I am an adult. And I am the one in charge of HER, not the other way around. So, I keep pushing myself to step back into my role, a role she has always taken from me for my entire life, and it's been pushing my anxiety through the goddamned roof. But I have to step into my role because she's recently been acting like she's in charge of me again. And that's NOT going to fly. So, tomorrow, her BFF Christmas is coming over and Mr. Brooks and I have decided my mother has lost the right to have "alone time" with her friends. If she's going to abuse her privacy with her friends by not only talking shit about me, but also scheming and plotting stupid things behind my back? Then she doesn't get to have that privacy. So, I bought cheese danishes, cinnamon rolls, and apple cider I am going to spice to have when her BFF comes over at one o'clock tomorrow afternoon. They'll have coffee, but I can't drink it, so the apple cider is for me (and the rest of my family, if they want some). I am so done with letting her run wild and do whatever she likes, only to stab me in the back after all the things I do for her (unlike a parent saying that about their child, I actually do everything for her daily). If she's going to act like a child, she's going to be treated like one. She can have her friend over, but it will be a full-family occasion and we're all going to hang out together, just like when we used to live back at our old apartment three years ago when Christmas lived but a mere alley away from us. But this time? I get the say-so when people come over or not, what time, etc. Not my mother. And I get to say if she gets to be alone with anyone or not.

I always stay away when Christmas visits to be nice to my mother. I also stay away because her and my mother are doorknobs who say doorknob things and I don't want to be subjected to listening to two hours of doorknob talk. That's no fun for me, having to listen to two elderly crazy people talk. But I had no idea she was reverting back to talking shit about me in my own home, usually right where I can hear it, if I were listening. So, we're done. No more. Now it will be an every-other-week thing, and it will be pre-planned (with me, not with my mother) and it will only be on certain days. Right now she comes over less than that, but recently she's been amping up the amount of her visits (her BFF, I mean). But I cannot have her call five minutes before she leaves anymore. It was hard enough to get her to call at all. Now that she does that, she will call and ask to come over in five minutes. So, I am going to talk to her about making plans with me at least 1-2 days in advance, and no more than every other week. I have to put my dog away in his crate the entire time she visits, so that's not pleasant for anyone in the house (he's a LOUD whiner). Also, to keep my mother from following her friend out to her car when Christmas leaves, I am going to move Christmas's car for her every time she comes over (something I do sometimes already), and then when she leaves, I will move it back (she can't back up properly unless she's in the middle of my driveway). That will nip that shit in the bud. "Oh, I can't be alone with her, but I can go out to her car and talk shit all I want!" No more.

My mother thinks she's getting away with all of this bad behavior. But she's going to be unpleasantly surprised with the rule change. But I am the WOTH. And I am done taking her shit. And I need to stop hiding in my own house from her, because I do everything (between me and her--my family does things too, so know when I say "I", I mean "us"--me, my hubby and kids) around here. This is OUR house, not just hers. So, I am allowed to take up space, too. And I am allowed to take space in my own life and demand respect from her. I believe I have more than earned it and earn it every single day. But I can't make her respect me. But I sure as hell can not allow her to disrespect me in my own home. And that's how it's going to be. She may not like it, but I am done. The amount of anxiety this has been giving me and for NO reason?? Yeah, I am done with that, too.

I am the WOTH. I better start acting like it.

Damn, why do I keep falling back into this crap? Why do I forget my power? Ugh. I need to wear a WOTH shirt to remind me LOL

PS: She is not the only reason I have been super anxious as I've been having health issues. But she is sure adding to it!

I am reading Glennon Doyle's book "Untamed" and at first, I thought it was brilliant. But it soon devolved into preachy BS. On top of that, you can tell her conversations with her family members, which came off as Ted Talks, were concocted after the fact to make for a more "inspirational" book, rather than an actual memoir. But even so, all of that combined isn't what bothered me the most. It's the whole passion she has for her wife that freaks me out a little. Because that kind of all-consuming passion not only isn't healthy but is indicative of a much larger problem.

In the beginning of most relationships, you feel all sorts of passion. Sexual, physical, heart-wrenching passion. But that's not love. That was my first indicator that something was up with Glennon when she said she left her husband because she was "in love" with a woman she only met once in real life. You can exchange emails until you are blue in the face (fingers?), but that doesn't mean squat when you don't actually know someone in real life. I know this because I've been married to my husband for seventeen years and we met online and knowing someone online is so much easier than knowing them in person. Love is not just "knowing" someone. It's dealing with their shit. It's seeing their ugly sides and still wanting to be with them. It's smelling their 100th fart of the day and still feeling like you want to near them (even though they may fart on you next time). It's cleaning up after them. It's seeing them cry and wanting to comfort them. It's reaching for them when you've had a nightmare or hugging them when you need comfort. It's being so angry at them that you want to scream and then calming down and realizing you could have handled that better and still wanting to love them. Love is choosing, every single day, to not only love them, but also be a better you to be the person that they deserve. Love is not passion. Passion is passion. Passion is lust. Passion is a fleeting feeling, whereas love is everlasting (well, as everlasting as you choose it to be).

Feeling an overabundance of what you think is "love" is an indicator that there is something off here. It very well could be a sign of severe codependence or just the opposite: a part of the idealize/devalue/discard/hoover cycle. Because the more "passion" you feel for someone, the more that passion can turn into anger and hate the moment you are angry with them. So, all her talk about her overabundance of feelings for her wife is such a red flag that it verges on triggering me.

I once had a friend named Deanne and her husband sadly passed away several years ago, leaving her with 4-5 children (I can't actually remember how many). And she had this friend, this guy named Eric, who would follow her around like a lost puppy and constantly talk about much he loved her. He made it quite uncomfortable for everyone. He had been in love with her since high school and now that she was a widow, he had a shot with her again. So he did everything for her. She needed help, so she let him, even though she did not feel the same way about him in the least. He drove her kids around, took them to where they needed to go. He was like a doting father and husband, minus the relationship with mom. He did everything she asked of him, no matter what. I think he would have hidden bodies for her she had asked him to. No, I know he would have. That was how much he loved her. He loved her with blind and wild abandon.

Glennon is a huge proponent of living with wild abandon (well, as she puts it, living "untamed"). And it seems like from the way she writes she's either a) trying to convince herself or others she loves this woman that much or b) she writes this way to be "inspirational", or c) she has the same blind abandon as my old friend Deanne's little puppy boy Eric. OR, she loves this woman on paper, where everyone can see, but behind closed doors, she could be a totally different person, as narcissists tend to do. I am not saying Glennon is a narcissist. But I am saying she either comes off as one, or she comes off as a severely codependent woman. There are red flags all over this book. Then add in the fact that she fabricates conversations with her children (or more likely, "expands" on them) in her book, makes me think that that maybe there is something going on here. To me, the only actual "untamed" thing about this book is her version of the truth. And it irks me that everyone who's read her books thinks she so great and thinks her books are so great. They just aren't. And reading something someone writes isn't the same as knowing the person in person, so how does anyone know she's great? She could be what I said, or worse. Or she could be wonderful. I have no idea, but I don't pretend to know, either. All I am saying is that even if her book is totally legit (though those conversations sure aren't), the way she writes is BAD advice for those of us who are attracted to toxicity. She's teaching people to make HUGE life choices based on fleeting and unhealthy powerful feelings. She's urging people to no use their brains, but their programming to make these choices. And she's acting as though those things are the smartest things on earth to do. Sigh.

As children of narcissists, please do your due diligence in life and learn to recognize red flags before reading something like this and thinking it's wonderful or a good thing to model your own life after. That's all I am saying. This book makes me uncomfortable for so many reasons. And for anyone who understands red flags. it should for you, too.

"hey friend my phone is still not working Shay has ordered the part we need, So you get to read my thoughts. Jamie got me a spade and a cutter. so I am set for gardening as far as the other thing I dont think it will work cuz I have other cats to use it on too, DON'T waste your gas, I think walmart should still some, but wait till I get more money, I use the other one sometime??? I will call you when my phone works till then I can try to email ya Take care

love ya old friend

This email was to my mom's BFF Christmas. Her new thing is to write "hey friend" or to her male friend "hey brother", even though she's never used those phrases in her life before. This I assume is her dementia. Though, she does have a habit of adopting a new phrase and then overusing it (and never giving it up--just as you notice the "love ya" at the end of her letter--she adopted that phrase one day many years ago instead of saying "I love you" to anyone ever again--including me--so now it's a phrase she can use with everyone, which means I am lumped into that "everyone" category).

Now, here's the story behind the email.

So, last weekend, on the 5th of August, Christmas came over. My mother had been "shopping" on Walmart for items she knows she's not allowed to buy: like pet meds and pet brushes. The reason she's not allowed to buy them is that she as no idea how to use either one. Also, she has no money herself. I mean, she has money and she gets to buy things all the time, but I have to buy them for her, or else she will buy crazy shit. Anyways, her friend comes over and when she's leaving she slips a sealed envelope into her friend's purse and whispers "Don't open this until you get home!" Oh goodness.

So, apparently the letter said a bunch of crazy shit, like the letter she wrote me recently that I put up on here a few posts ago, and said "Could you please take this money" (there was cash in the envelope--she used her Christmas scratch ticket money she won) "and go buy me some ear mite medication for the cats and a metal cat comb (not the soft kind). Don't tell Shay!" So, Christmas goes out and buys these things and calls my mother and tells her she had to drive all over town to get the stuff, because she doesn't have cats and has no idea what these things are. Then she adds "Why can't I tell Shay?" Then my mother proceeds to lie to her and tell her that I REFUSE to take care of HER cats, but I will only take MINE to the vet. Never mind the hundreds of dollars I've spent on her cats. Recently, I did take mine to the vet, but that's not because I was choosing mine over hers. My cat was truly sick. Her cats were all fine.

One time, three years ago, she asked me to get her ear mite meds and I said no, I have to take your cat to the vet, because it could be an ear infection and it was. So she's taking that instance and saying "She refuses to believe they have ear mites!! I've had cats all my life, I know how to take care of cats!!" I almost laughed out loud. Growing up, my cat had raging ear mites, which turned into infections and brown ooze seeped out of his ears. He stayed that way for YEARS until the cat was put down at age 18. She let the dogs clean him up, which they did several times a day. They did was she refused to do for her own cat. Funny, how she blames me for exactly what SHE did. I bet she doesn't remember that, does she?

Anyways, I have ear mite medication from the vet and started giving it to her cat, so she shuts the fuck up about it. Her cat may not even need it, but as long as I use it right, it can't hurt. I hope.

Also, isn't allowed to have combs for the cats (or brushes for the dogs) because she RIPS through their fur and pulls out very severe matting on them, that I usually shave off. She even ripped the fucking brush through my girl (the one we lost in January) so hard that she made her afraid of getting brushed, even though she LOVED getting groomed by me. I had to put a 100% stop to it after that. I knew she did it to the cats, but I had no idea she was torturing my dog, too. My mom is nothing if not rough with everything in her life. Her hugs feel like steel pressing into your body and they hurt. Good thing she never hugged me much!

So now, I have to go over to Christmas's house and pick up the items my mother spent her money on so I can keep that shit away from her. Her BFF is panicking so badly about the entire thing, because she feels my mother put her in a bad place making her do this, and I told her that I wholeheartedly agree. And her BFF said she'd never allow my mother to make her do anything like that again. I hope she's strong enough to tell my mother no next time.

So, my hubby and I have decided, that whenever her friend is going to come over, we are ALL going to sit and hang out together. No more letting this crazy bitch have alone time with her friends. If my mother can't stop plotting and planning behind my back, as well as talking shit about me behind my back, then she gets no more play time to give her opportunity to do it again. We're done. So, I am going to tell Christmas that from now on we'll have a standing date for her to come over, and we'll have coffee cake all together and make it be like a little party. Though I will have her come every other week instead of every week, just so we can space out the stress on my dog (my one dog, our newest, HATES strangers and we have to crate him when anyone stops by).

Well, that's the crazy for August so far. Let's hope it doesn't get any worse. Sigh.

Having a narcissist parent that you're taking care of in your life is like training a dog. You have to know the dog's temperament and what they're capable of (like how far they will take things to get their own way and how much training works for them and what kind of training works for them). All dogs are different. You also have to know how much walkies they need. Sometimes they need lots of walkies, sometimes they need only a little. And how many treats they need to comply and adhere to your boundaries. And also how much discipline they need to learn their lessons for their bad behavior.

But dogs love us conditionally. Dogs, even if they are stubborn, they still want to do their best and want to do right by us, even if it's hard for them to do. They want to please us.

Take my dogs for example:

I have a Jacked-Russel/beagle mix, and a Pomeranian. My jack-a-bee is a doofus. He's 18 months old and does all that puppy stuff that older puppies do. He has a mind of his own and does as he pleases, but at the same time, he's sorry for when he's bad. He loves us more than life itself, and when we're angry with him for doing bad things (and he does some very bad things sometimes) he will run to us and lower his head in shame and hug us and "apologize". My Pom does not apologize, but he's six and sweet and has his own bad behavior to overcome. He listens to different correction methods than his brother (what works on one DOES NOT work on the other), but both dogs desperately want us to love them and be happy with them. I love my dogs like family members (we recently lost three of them earlier this year) and even if they do bad things, we all know that dogs are are just instinctual animals and they don't do bad things on purpose to hurt us. They do them because they can't help it. And that's what makes them different than narcissists. Narcs want to hurt us. They want to spread their misery wherever they go. You know why? Because narcissists know if they keep us miserable, we are easier to control.

So, I've learned that even though, at their core, dogs are better than narcissists (because a narcissist's core is rotten), narcissists can be treated like dogs (in a good way, not in a derogatory way--which is so rude against dogs that that's a derogatory sentence) because they behave like them. And I think that's the secret to dealing with a narcissist. To treat them as though they are a pet. Or, at least some kind of rabid feral animal that you found that you're rehabbing it so it can be adopted out or kept at the zoo.

So, here is how to do it:

Figure out what breed they are. Knowing the breed of your dog is important in understanding their behavior traits. What's normal for them? If you know this now, then you won't be caught by surprise later. Also, knowing their traits means you can head certain things off at the pass before they even happen. One of my mother's traits is that she's a shopaholic. It's not specific to her breed, but definitely to her temperament. So, I know that a) I need to give her cash when shopping so that she can only spend what she has and can't ask for more and b) due to her issue where if you let her do something once, she will want it more and more and more, I can't let her go shopping more than once a month, otherwise she will never stop asking to go to the store to buy nonsense. So, we have boundaries put in place to keep this addiction curbed and to keep our bank account safe. My mother's actual breed is a "covert communal narcissist". She derives all her narcissistic supply by communing with others. She used to have a "gang" of old ladies she controlled and would use each one for supply until they were used up, and then she'd move onto the next. She is nothing without her admirers. Want to figure out your narcissist's breed? Click here (and google "types of narcissists"): Types of Narcissists
Once you know their breed, get to know their temperament. Not all animals in the same breed act the same way. So take your narcissist and make a list of all their issues. Also know that their "good" traits are just manipulations to get people to do what they want, so make a list of those, too. Once you have that down, now you have a clear picture of the narcissist in your life and how they work. If you need more info on how your narcissist acts, check out the book "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene. I bet you'll find several behaviors in there that fit your narcissist. Also, check out all the different types of personality tests out there and see which ones fit your narcissist, too. This is a helpful tool for you to understand them and the more you understand them, the less you'll take their behaviors personally. And it will help you deal with them now and the future.
Figure out what rewards and discipline works. Now, training a narcissist with rewards is different than a dog. A dog gets treats for listening. A narcissist gets rewards to keep them misbehaving. Since a narcissist cannot actually be trained to be a good boy or a good girl, you have to just keep them happy so they don't act like fools. Do they respond to treats? To walkies? To extra communing time with others? What puts them in a good mood? And what puts them in a bad mood? What makes they lash out and bite? What are they not good with? Make a list of both. Then experiment to see how long they can stay good, and in turn, what makes them turn bad again? It could be just their temperament, but also it could be external issues as well. Have they been too long without walkies? I know my mother gets ants in her pants when this happens. If I take too long to take her shopping (her only hobby), she will get bitey and start calling her friends and start lying to them about how horrible I am. So, I have to taker her out for walkies regularly, otherwise she starts biting me. I also have to provide weekly treats, and buy her toys as needed. If I don't, she will get riled up and start acting out. As for discipline, I can't verbally tell her no or verbally tell her anything. She won't listen. The only discipline that works for her is action. If she gets into the cupboards and takes all the treats without asking? I have to lock the cupboards. If she refuses to take her leash with her and goes for actual walkies on her own without telling anyone, I have to lock up the things that are enticing her to do so (like the mailbox and the garbage cans). Just like I have to put up a tarp on my fence to keep my dogs from going nuts every single time a person walks by, I am alleviating an issue by stopping their access to it. And, just like a dog, you can give too many rewards, otherwise they will turn into vortexes of insatiable black holes of wants. Ever give your dog so many treats that they constantly ask for more treats? Yup. That's exactly what happens with a narcissist. So, you have to experiment: how long can you go between rewards without all hell breaking loose? And when they do act up in between, how much discipline do they respond to without having to get another reward? It's a balancing act and one you may not be up for. Which is a good thing, because in all honesty it's a complete waste of time, as it will never get better. But, if you have to do it, then this is how to do it right to alleviate as much strive in your life as possible. Discipline for them is you forcing your boundaries. So, come up with something that they listen to (experiment with different things). Like, are they embarrassed easily? Put them on blast. My mother doesn't respond to my words. In fact, she will do exactly the opposite of what I tell her immediately upon me saying it. But she responds to notes. Post-its placed where she needs to remember a boundary so everyone in the house can see it works perfectly for her. Now she knows that everyone in the house knows she's breaking a boundary and it embarrasses her into submission. "Please lock back door". "Don't forget to wash your hands with soap after using the toilet". "Keep this door closed at all times". Etc.
So, you know their breed, their temperament, you know what rewards and punishments works, then you can move onto a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly schedule. Now, I have ADHD and I do NOT do schedules. BUT, I use Google Calendar and a notepad app in my phone to write in "Take YOS to resale store this week". "Clean the stove". "Pick up gardening equipment for YOS". "Get YOS some fudge bars". Etc. etc. I keep track of when I should dole out rewards (not too little, not too much--that Goldilocks zone). Oh, and YOS is the name I use in my phone for her. It stands for "Ye Olde Seahag". Nobody know this but me and my hubby. And you. Now you know. So ssssh! She's not my mother, so I don't know what to call her when I type about her, so I call her by her most innate core nature: a crinkled, wrinkled, old, smoking, hate spewing seahag who sounds like a bag of dicks blowing in the wind--if you cup your ear just right as a breeze rushes through your yard, you can hear her complaining, as she's always complaining about something (just kidding, she sounds like a crusty old Lindsey Lohan, or a confused version of Ms. LaBonz on Bob's Burgers). But if you keep track of your rewards, you'll be more apt to hit that Goldilocks zone and stay there. Sure, it'll be off now and then, but just keep moving back and forth between discipline and rewards. Now, they will act up after getting a reward, know that. You just have to pull back with boundaries as quick as you can. Yesterday my hubby took my mom shopping at her favorite store. Today? She's all up everyone's ass to the point want to scream at her. So, my hubby had to get firm with her say "Listen here YOS, you need to leave me alone while I do my work!" No, he didn't call her YOS, he called her by her real name. But up until today, she's been leaving everyone alone while they do yardwork. But today, she's all hopped up on Big Dick energy (cause she's a big dick, get it??!) and wants to be intrusive in everyone's business. So, we had to give her a little discipline and tell her straight out to quit. Not meanly, no swearing or rude words, just firm and a little louder than normal, so she knew he meant it.
Always remember, there is NEVER need to be abusive back to them. You can yell, sure, but make sure you're only yelling when it's needed. Like my shitty therapist who gave me two pieces of good advice, once said "Rate the issue between 1-10. Anything 5 and over, address." I would say the closer it gets to a 10, the more you are valid in yelling at them. But I hope they don't get to a 10 that often. Because yelling doesn't do anything to them. It just makes them happy to rile you up that much. It only helps YOU feel better. Though sometimes, you have to yell to get your point across, just like with a dog (though don't have arguments with your dog, they will usually win). But only if you have to. I know a lot of people are SO FED UP with their narc parents' behavior that they yell all the time, BUT know if they are driving you that crazy? You no longer need to be in their lives. Being abusive back to them, while it may make you feel better for two seconds, can get you in a load of trouble. AND it will make you look like the jerk, when they are the actual jerks. So, if you can't be nice or calm? Walk away and funnel that anger into something productive, like killing a bunch of plants that may or may not be theirs. Just kidding....or am I? Really though, funnel that anger into creating something: art, writing, woodworking, building something, or fixing something around the house. OR exercise or sports. Believe me, those things will make you feel so much better than swearing at a crazy person.

So, get all your information together, work out your boundaries (discipline) and what you'll use to keep them happy (their rewards) and then set a loose (or tight) schedule to work from. Having this all planned out will make you feel so much better and make you feel like you have so much more control of your own life. You can also work out babysitters (if you're their caretaker) so you can go out and have some fun without the crazy in your life. Remember, narcissists are not dogs, because dogs are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better than they are. BUT, you can kind of use the training methods you use for dogs to help corral your narcissist into being quiet for a bit. But please, do not think you can crate train them--mostly because they won't fit in a crate, but also because I think that would be illegal. And maybe a little morally wrong.

But remember, nothing is 100% foolproof. This is just a small strategy to help your peace of mind. Though I will say, if this doesn't help, even a little? Your narcissist may be too volatile and unpredictable and possibly even too dangerous for you to be around (mentally, physically, financially, etc.). So, my advice then? Is to go 100% no contact and go live your life as best you can elsewhere. Because if you can't even get a moment's peace? What's the point of having the in your life at all? It's like living with a rabid dog that you know is rabid, but the rabies can never be cured. Nobody would willingly choose to live that way. So why are you? You deserve better, my friend. We all do.

Okay, off to make YOS her dinner. Gotta feed the beast to lead the beast, if you know what I mean. Just kidding, I just made that up and it rhymed, so I don't even know what it means. I'm weird today. Later.

Oh, and don't forget to be the reason someone smiles today, even if that person is you <3

Picture it. Yesterday. In the kitchen. I was cleaning the stove and she walks up to me and starts in on yet another long interlude of weird shit until she gets to the damn point. There always has to be a story involved, or some kind of production to get to where she's asking me for something. Like usual. She's doing it to pretend she's making conversation, but all she's doing is bothering me and talking in the most roundabout way to get to the damn point. This happens EVERY SINGLE TIME she asks me for something, which can be up to several times a day, depending on her needs or her mood. If she's feeling saucy, she will add in all sorts of flourishes and bullshit. Yesterday, she had just got done talking shit about me to her BFF Christmas (in the previous post), so she was trying to butter me up because I think she knew I that I knew what she had said.

Her: Oh, I know you're busy, and god knows when you'll be able to be done with what you're doing, so don't think you have do it right now. It will probably take you all day to get this done....

Me: STOP. Get to the point. Why do you have to tell me a story before you ask me for something? What do you want? Crackers? Are you asking me for crackers?

Her: Yes. That's what I was going to ask you for.

Me: See how fast and simple that was? I will go get you a box of crackers.

I got her a box of crackers and that was that. I keep certain food in a locked pantry or in the basement pantry--my mother has ZERO self-control with certain things--like money and crackers and other things--and eats them so quickly that if I don't have to be the one who gets them for her, she will double my grocery bill. Also, I put things in there my kids don't have self-control with, too: at their request. I took our front hall closet and turned it into a pantry, as we don't store anything of any worth in there that's needed upstairs. So, now I have more upstairs pantry space. But then my mother found out about it and thought it was a free-for-all and started taking stuff without telling me, so I put a lock on it. Boy did she get PISSED when she saw that, but not to me, of course. To my oldest son, because she wants him to tell me about it, then she can deny it if I bring it up to her and act like he's overreacting LOL Just like she does with her BFF Christmas. She will say her BFF is overreacting all the time. It's a fun little game she plays. So, I stopped calling her out on her shit and just let her bitch to other people without ever telling her (minus her birthday, that was too much for me to ignore). Let her think she's getting away with everything, when in fact, she's never getting away with anything at all.

Just know that my tone of voice was jolly and nice, in no way I was being rude to her or could be taken as being rude. I did that on purpose, because I am not all about trying to make anyone feel bad for being annoying. I just wanted to make a point that crap is unnecessary. Just ask me for what you want. That's it. It's so freaking easy. She does this with everyone. It's how she communicates with people. As a narcissist, this woman has no idea how to relate to others, so this is how she relates, but telling long, random, annoying stories. About everything. All the freaking time. She has no idea how to just be normal. But I got up enough balls yesterday (mostly because I was angry with her for what she had said about me, lying to her BFF and all that, about me not letting her go to her BFF's house and hiding her tools on her, etc.) to just stop her in her tracks and maybe because I did it once, I'll be able to do it again, and again, so eventually I can change her behavior as a whole. We'll see about that. But it felt good yesterday to finally say something to her rather than listening to her ten minute spiel to just get her a box of damn crackers.

If she's going to do nothing but talk shit about me to other people, then I don't have time to listen to her shenanigans. So there.

Today I found out she's been ignoring me because she's angry I don't take her places. She hasn't spoken to me in months, for most of the day each and every day, except for when she wants something. She doesn't ask me how I am. She doesn't comment on anything other than her own stuff. Which is something I like, as her constant commenting on MY life is not missed at all. But what she blamed her silence on is total bullshit.

She told BFF named Christmas today that she's rather be silent than argue with me. And what I "supposedly" argue with her about is telling her no that I won't take her places.

What the hell?

I never argue with my mother unless she does something outrageously dumb or rude. And for the past twelves months, I've argued with her twice (well, the one time was more than once, but about the same thing). I got into it with her on her birthday because she got super shitty and told her BFF Christmas (which I overheard) that my husband was lazy because he didn't have a job and hasn't mowed the lawn since losing his job. My husband is her golden child, so this was a BIG surprise to us. But I was livid with her bullshit that day and I brought it up and she denied she said anything rude, even though I heard the entire conversation. Christmas tries not to listen to her bullshit, so she's all over the place ignoring my mom's words, and my mother stood in the yard and followed my husband around while he was mowing and kept saying to her friend on the phone "Listen! Are you listening to me? I SAID that he's JUST mowing NOW! For the FIRST time since losing his job!!" She just kept saying it, and Christmas, who knows her bullshitting ways, just kept ignoring her. She wouldn't stop trying to my husband sound bad, which is why I got so angry. But of course she denied it all.

Then on the day before Thanksgiving, I went into the ER with severe lower back pain, which turned out to be a burst cyst on my ovary. The next day, I went to pick up meds and came back to her furiously cleaning MY bathroom with bleach, which is a no-no in our house (I am VERY sensitive to chemicals). Where she got it, who knows, but I told her to stop and she started screaming at me. So I went into the bathroom and she ran behind me and slammed the door into my back, right where it hurt. Then I had to turn around and try to shut the door on her with all my might. She's pushing back on the door, screaming like a crazy person and even told my husband to go to hell. No, this was not dementia, she's always been like this my entire life. She calls it "being crabby". So the next day, Thanksgiving came and my boys cooked the entire dinner and I avoided her. The next day came, I was still in pain, and she still hadn't apologized and so I yelled at her about it. She still didn't apologize. So the next day, again, she acted like nothing happened, and still didn't apologize, so I yelled at her again. She STILL DID NOT APOLOGIZE. So I said fine, the next time you do this, I will call the police and have you committed. No, I said "There will be consequences", but that's what the consequences will be.

Those are the two (well, three) times in one year I've argued with her. Telling her "no" is not an argument. Ignoring her requests to go randomly shopping for things she does not need, is not an argument. But that's supposedly why she's ignoring me.

This year alone, in 2023, we've lost three of my family's beloved dogs. And has my mother ONE TIME expressed her condolences or asked if I was okay? Nope. She doesn't say shit. But she sure messages my family, acting like SHE had to put down HER dog, when the dog was mine. My dog had a stroke, and was in the middle of dying, so in reality, she died of natural causes, we just helped her out at the vet's office to not suffer anymore than she already was.

Another thing she said to Christmas, which was an oldie, something she's said before, that she's not allowed to go to Christmas's house because I would say no. She's never once asked me to take her there. And that's because of one of the reason's why I won't take her to the store with me: she shits and pisses herself, like massively pisses--to the point of soaking her clothes. And I assume the shitting herself isn't any different. But she wants to use me as her scapegoat, to take the blame for not letting her go to her friend's house.

The other reason, which I've explained before, that I don't take her to the store is that she will spend over $100 at any store I take her to. She's nuts with the spending. And nowadays, all of the resale shops are OUT OF CONTROL with their pricing on clothes, so I assume it would end up being even more than that. And I cannot afford to take her places and spend that kind of money. I do take her, every so many months. But only that much, due to these reasons. I mean, I cannot deal with her shitting herself in public and then having to smell that all the way home. I'd fucking throw up.

I told her, if she ever ended up in a wheelchair and/or in diapers, she's going onto a home. But mostly, I mean if she ended up not being able to change her own soiled whatevers, because I am NOT doing that for her. I just can't. I will throw up all day afterwards. I am a basic caretaker, not a nurse. And she knows it.

So, it doesn't matter that I cook for her, shop for her, keep track of and dole out her meds for her, clean for her, do her laundry, do the yardwork, and everything else she needs and or wants, but because I refuse to allow her to shit herself in my car and spend all the money we all have, what I do is not good enough and she makes the CHOICE to not speak to me.

Oh yes, I also stole all her gardening tools and locked them in the garage so she can't have them *eyeroll*. Sigh. She lost them and I have no idea where they are, and yes, I lock the garage, because she climbs on things she shouldn't out there and does not care about her own safety. But I am a jerk because I keep her safe from herself.

Good thing I called Christmas and we cleared it all up. But still. I love that I can be at my mother's beck and call and she still talks shit about me. But that's my mom for ya. There is ZERO empathy or care from this woman. But what else do I expect? She is who she is.

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