So, my birthmother moved from eight hundred miles away from me to one-hundred thirty-three miles away from me, back to her hometown.  She moved that far away from her family to begin with because they're all insane and her mother is a narcissist who was at fault for not only me being put up for adoption, but also for me not being adopted out at birth to begin with.  Granted, I think my birthmother was very neglectful of me as a baby, and I think that's why, when she tried to move out of her mother's house her mother told her that she could leave, but she'd have to leave me behind (which is how I ended up being given up for adoption at six months old).  

So, eight hundred miles away, and I've visited her once in all of these twenty years I've known her.  And I like it that way.  Things got weird with her at the end of our weeklong visit and I was never in a hurry to ever go back (although, where she lived was magnificent--in the mountains on a stream).  I will tell you one thing: I've had people stay at my house for week before and never once did I ever get shitty with them over anything, ever, especially if the guest is courteous and kind, like I am (not tooting my own horn, but I try to be best guest I can be whenever we stay with people).  And after about five days, she got short and rude and demanding and I vowed never to stay with her ever again.  It didn't make me angry, but I just realized she's a terrible host.  

Anyways, now she wants to hang out.  Oh yay.  

Here's my issue: for all of lockdown she didn't message or call me once to check on my family.  Not a single time.  Now, I have my own mother, my two kids, my husband, and at the time, five dogs and god knows how many cats to deal with all that time.  I also have severe anxiety and we were all just trying to keep our heads above water.  B doesn't have any of that.  She has herself and a dog and cat.  That's it.  And yes, the phone works both ways, BUT I am usually the person who messages her first.  And I wanted to see if she'd give enough of a shit about my family to check on us.  And she did not. 

I am not only the person who messages her first, but I am also the one who religiously sends her and her mother Christmas and birthday cards each year.  If I don't send them, I don't get them.  Now, my grandmother is old and senile, so I get it.  She send me Christmas and birthday gifts and cards every single year of my life for my entire life (it was a part of the deal made with the courts when I was handed over to the adoption agency).  Do you think any of those years my birthmother ever snuck in a gift for me?  Even if it was something tiny or whatever?  Even if I had no idea it was from her until I was an adult?  A normal person would, at least eventually, be filled with regret or sorrow they gave up their baby.  A normal person would tell their birthchild it was hard for them to give them up.  Not my birthmother.  She doesn't even remember my birthday most of the time.  She even forgot my fortieth.  And when she gave me a letter, back in the day, explaining the hows and whys I was given up, it a heartless and cold letter, stating just facts and bragging about her wonderful life living on a boat and whatnot after giving me away to strangers.  

Not only does she show zero emotion for me or what happened to me, she also never has once said "God, I am so sorry you had and have such a hard life, living with all that abuse growing up.  If I had known you'd be given to such terrible people I would have kept you or done a private adoption with people I knew better."  Or something of the sort.  But nope.  When I talk about my abuse, she acts like it's no big deal because I am an adult and it's over now.  Also, she acts like she likes my mother, even though she's never met her and even though she knows much she's abused me.  If I gave up my child for adoption as a young girl and found out their adoptive parents abused them?  I would be on a rampage!  I would tell my child to come live with me and to get away from their abuser(s)!  

But see, I am full of love.  I have so much love inside of me that it spills out into the world (which is how I ended up with five dogs at the same time, twice).  I am full of empathy and sympathy and kindness.  Sure, I can be irritable and shitty at times, but that's not who I am.  That's who my anxiety makes me be in certain moments.  But predominantly, I am kind and loving and caring.  Something neither of my mothers are.  Especially not to me.  And whether the reason is narcissism or not, it's still just as damaging whatever the reason behind their actions are.  One may be malicious and one not, but neglect and ignoring me doesn't feel any different when you're the person getting neglected and ignored.  And plus being told "I don't have connections with other humans, only animals."  Yay me.  What in the hell am I supposed to do with that information?

Is my birthmother a narcissist?  I have no idea.  But I do know she's self-centered, self-absorbed, and doesn't really think about anyone else other than herself.  And yes, she has ASD, which is what I think is the actual core of her issues, but I honestly don't have time for that in my life (also, her family is FULL of NPD, so who knows if she's a little bit narcissistic?).  And I don't care if there's a good explanation for her non-love for me.  It still doesn't change the fact she really doesn't know me, care about me, or love me.  And never has.  

She can go years without talking to me.  Only to message me on my phone out of the blue with some pictures of some fabulous place she's visiting, as though I'd know what the pictures are.  Which is a hallmark of certain types of ASD (my sister-in-law is the same way), but it's still weird and insensitive.  

Not only has all of this been on my mind, then you throw in the fact that I recently have come to realize that adoptions is NOT the happy little end to a story that we all were told it was.  That adoption, no matter what kind of family you are adopted into, is trauma, period.  But then you add in the fact that I was adopted into an abusive family and so let's just keep adding to the trauma.  

This past season or two, I've really been working out how I feel about my adoption and what it means to me to be adopted.  And that's partially why I blocked my birthmother on social media.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  

Here's the thing (another thing): she so badly didn't want her mother to raise me, the only family I ever knew in my few short months of being born, what, to protect me from her?  Only to give me to a home that was full of so much violence and hatred that it scarred me for life.  I get she was only twenty.  I get that.  But I was twenty when I got pregnant and I wasn't married either.  And hell would have frozen over before I let anyone take my child away from me.  And if they had (or if I was forced to give him up for some reason), I would have spent every day of my waking life (and sleeping life) thinking about the day I'd be reunited with him.  Because I am a real mother.  I actually love my children.  She, on other hand, gave me away and never really cared to think about me much.  So much so, she forgot when my birthday was.  How can you give birth to a child and forget that date?  I just don't get it.  

And it wasn't pain that made her block it out.  She admitted, she had no attachment to me.  To anyone, other than my supposed birthfather (who wasn't my birthfather).  She admitted she only wanted me when she thought he was going to stay with her.  The moment he left her was the moment she knew she had to give me away, too.  I was never good enough for her on my own.  I was only a means to an end.  After he left her, she was emotionally wrecked and pined after him.  But she never pined after me.  She never wanted to be pregnant.  Which I get.  And that's fine.  But, then can't go around calling me her daughter and pretending she wants a relationship with me.  Which is only due to our proximity, by the way.  Eight hundred miles away and she could care less about contacting me.  But move 1.5 hours away and now we're buddies?  Does she not even see how insane that is?  Does she not even see just how it would make me feel if she only has anything to do with me because it's convenient for her?  She makes me feel bad for the way I am.  She's already told me both directly and indirectly she doesn't approve of who I am as a person.  So, what is all this?  Just a way to look like a good mother?  

Jesus Christ.  She lost that title over forty years ago.  Or even twenty years ago when she could have made things right between us.  But she didn't.  She chose over and over and over again to show me just how much I don't matter to her.  Maybe not purpose?  I don't know.  But the message was always that and is still that to this day.  I am tired of feeling like I don't matter to the people I should matter the most to.  

And so, with that, I am not having her come up here.  Not because I hate her.  I don't.  It just feels so freaking surface with we are together.  No depth.  No hugs or love, just...pretending.  I don't get why she wants to even be near me.  So I won't put myself through that.  Not anymore.  

I've lied to her before, when she's invited me to her family's holiday gatherings.  I made up family members that don't exist and said we were spending the holidays with them.  Their entire family makes me feel so freaking weird.  I can't take it.  My family is my husband and children and their eventual wives/kids.  That's it.  And maybe one day I'll have chosen family, too.  But until then, it's just us four and I am happy with that.  My hubby and I are sick so I will tell her that, it's not a lie.  We may have covid, I am not sure.  Probably not, but possibly.  So, I'll just ride on that for a bit until she forgets about visiting.  Which I hope she does.  

I like our email relationship now.  Granted, the only reason I even have that with her is because SHE was moving up here and all of a sudden she remembered I existed.  And she needed our help, which she said no to, only because it was too much to ask of us.  But had she not needed our help, I am not sure she would have even emailed.  I think she thought I'd be ecstatic she was moving up here.  And I am not sure why.  There was nothing stopping us having a relationship before.  But that's B for ya.  If it isn't about her, then there isn't anything to talk about.  

Maybe I am being harsh on her.  But, like I said, I am working out how I feel about all of this.  And I can't be anxious about her visiting.  So, I will message her right now and put a stop to it.  

This is my favorite season.  And I want to enjoy it.  Autumn isn't for anxiety.  It's for peace.  So, I will be choosing that this season any way I can.  Time to go email her and eat some pumpkin chili.  I hope it tastes good. 

UPDATE: it did taste good, though it gave me wicked acid reflux