Because Christmas called Saturday night and said she couldn't come over.  I was so ecstatic!  And while she was talking to me I said "My mother asked me to grab you guys some apple cider donuts for when you come over, but I told her no, because you both have diabetes and I shouldn't be plying you two with sugar."  She then got real quiet and said "But, you got the coffee cake before."  I replied "Yes, I know, I had forgotten.  But now I remember, so I can't do that anymore."  And yes, I said that with a HUGE smirk across my face, because I know just how much Christmas LOVES sweets, which is why she has diabetes (and why my mother does, too).  That's what she gets for talking shit about me doing nice things for them.  And she got real quiet the rest of the phone call after that.  And I was internally laughing.  

It was funny, when I told my mother I would not be buying them donuts because of their diabetes, she said "But it's okay I have some sometimes."  I said "True, but I can't be responsible for leading Christmas astray, too."  She said "Well, she eats sweets all the time."  I said "Exactly.  That's why she has diabetes and that's why I shouldn't be giving her more on top of the crap she already eats."  Ha!  

My mother always, always, always digs herself into a hole with her ideas that she thinks are good arguments.  But they always turn out to be proving my exact point.  Granted, that's not why I am not buying them sweets.  If either of them had said "Oh, that's so sweet that Shay buys us coffee cake!"  But no, they laughed at me.  And said how ridiculous I was for doing it.  Yet, they're both upset I won't do it any longer?  Goes to show that what they're angry about isn't what they're making fun of me for.  They actually like that part.  They are angry that they eat it without me.  

Before we moved in here, I was a part of their everyday little gang meetings.  We all had coffee cake together.  We all chatted about stuff.  In a way, I was trying to recreate that.  I mean, we used to do it, so why can't I be a part of it now?  Because now, I am their scapegoat.  They think they're getting away with talking shit about me in my own home.  They think they're being cute.  They think they're mean girls and I am the girl they pick on and exclude.  They need to feel powerful like that.  And if I am there, I ruin it for them.  And the worst of it all is?  If I were to sit inside and visit with them?  My mother will walk her out to her car and talk shit about me out there instead.  She'll play nice and pretend to be my friend and pretend she likes me and then go right out, seconds later, and make fun of me.  

This makes me want to tell Christmas she's not welcome in my home and if she wants to talk shit about me to my mother, she needs to pick my mother up and they can go talk shit about my mother at her house instead.  But if I'm going to do that, then I have to admit I have been listening to their conversations and then everything is out in the open and I have to fully commit to never listening to their conversations again.  And while that is my plan for my sanity, I have have to in order to prevent some kind idiocy that my mother could be planning one day.  

I hate that I have to swallow that.  I hate that I have to allow them to talk shit about me in my own home, knowing full well that's exactly what they're doing.  I just wish that Christmas would find something else to do for awhile so I can stop being so angry about all of this.  She's an old woman so I don't want to punch her in the face or anything (mentally), but I do want to just never see her again if I didn't have to.  I'd rather her go find new friends and leave my mother alone. 

Here's the thing: I wrote a blog post about the "unaware flying monkey" because I used to believe in Christmas's innocence and stupidity.  I thought she literally was just a pawn in the game my mother was playing with her.  But now, after listening to their conversations, I realize that Christmas is actually an instigator.  And that she may be the most dangerous of all her friends.  I have heard way too many times them two talking about something random, only to have Christmas bring up a transgression of mine (a perceived one against my mother) to get my more riled up to talk about it.  Though some of the time my mother would just ignore her and change the subject.  But other times, she'll jump in and join her in the bashing-Shay-tirade.  

I can't believe I let her pull the wool over my eyes for so long.  I can't believe that I allowed Christmas to manipulate my life the way she has.  To manipulate the way my mother treats me.  Granted, my mother treats the way she wants, period, but my mother is also an idiot who loves to gossip, and the more negatively I am talked about, the more angry she will get with me, which means the more shit she will try to do behind my back and more stressed out I get.  

So, like I said before, I just need to let go.  To let it all go.  Let her scheme, plot, and do whatever she is going to do behind my back.  To let her talk shit about me and spread her lies.  All I have to do keep doing what I do: check her search history, emails, and her bedroom for contraband.  That way if she gets items she's not allowed to have (like pet supplies she uses to hurt the cats with) I can find them and take them.  The other day, I found my can of WD40 and my good tape measure stashed in her drawer and my good screwdriver.  She wasn't going to use these things for anything (she has nothing to use them on), she just wants to have things she's not allowed to have (like the WD40, for instance, I can't breathe in things like that and she'll use it for things it's not intended for, and sometimes in the house where it stinks up everything and it gives me instant migraines).  And not to mention, the WD40 isn't even hers (she didn't buy it, I did) and she didn't ask for it.  When she stores things in her drawers (aka steals them), she never tells me she does it so I think it's missing.  So now, I have to search her room a few times a week to see if she's procured anything else of mine.  And there usually is.  Which is why I turned the doorknob around in my garage to lock her out.  

Soon, my son will be moving into the garage and none of these items will be out there anymore.  So she won't be able to go into his room anyways.  So there.  

So, if I just let her do what she's going to do, and pretend that everything is cool, all the while knowing damn well she's lying and scheming behind my back, and learn to not give a shit about it, I may be able to come out of this with my sanity.  I know it's not something I've been able to do in the past, but I think I have a better grasp on this now.  Or at least a beginning to one.  

Before, I stopped caring if she talked shit about me behind my back.  But that was because I was no contact with her for fourteen months and I wasn't reminded of her shitty deeds on a daily basis (after I stopped talking to Christmas--who egged on the situation by calling me and telling me everything my mother said about me and then called my mother and told her everything I said about her--surprise surprise).  But now, she doesn't treat me like shit to my face anymore (like she used to...literally less than a year ago), so I can use that advantage to not think about it, like I did when I was no contact.  I can't stop her from being a horrible person.  But I've won.  I've at least got her to behave properly to my face.  Now, she will get all jazzed up and talk shit to my son about me and he will just ignore her (and tell me about it later), but she refuses to say anything to my face anymore.  Whereas before, she not only said shit to my face, but would get violent with me (if you remember Thanksgiving of last year, that was the last time it happened).  But since then, she really must have learned her lesson to know that if it happened again, I guaranteed to her that there would be consequences.  So, she took that idea, and instead just not being violent with me, she's stopped ALL crabbiness with me completely.  It's almost been a year.  I wish that would make me relax, but I know better.  I know that any time she can revert and become a monster again.  So now, she's just always angry at me behind my back (whereas before, she'd cycle between putting me on a pedestal and hating me).  But at least to my face she's fake normal.  

So, I've won this battle.  This eternal battle between daughter and narcissistic mother.  I finally got her to behave and to stop making my life a living hell on a daily basis.  And so, what did I do with that?  I listened to her conversations and drove myself crazy and made my own life a living hell by hearing what she's saying behind my back (which is exactly what I yelled at Christmas for back in the day when I stopped talking to her when I went no contact with my mother).  I thought I was doing it to stay on top of things and to stop my mother before she did something crazy, but now I know all I was really succeeding in doing was hurting myself.  Just like I did when I was a kid.  

So here it is, plain and simple: I need to realize that Christmas is not only not my friend, she is not a good person.  She's an instigator and a jerk and a reverse narcissist.  And my mother will never be happy with me, ever.  And because I can't be her narcissistic supply in person (because she fears who I will call if she acts out again--911 anyone?), she has to use me as her supply behind my back and this will go until forever as she's run out of friends to cycle through (they all died).  And I have to not fucking care about the behavior or antics of either of them.  I have to let this go and be okay with the hate.  

And when we're financially stable enough, I will put her in either assisted living or a nursing home and that's that.  

Deep breath.  

And I have to find my way back to Buddhism.  That's what helped me in 2018 when my mother was at her all-time worst with us (I still can't ever forgive her for what all she did to us).  And that's what will help me now.  Well, I also start therapy again tomorrow, too.  And journaling.  Journaling is where I get 98% of all my insights into my own healing.  And art.  In fact, I started a series of paintings last night and I am kind of excited that I can still draw so well (I haven't drawn anything in a very long time).  But now painting them, I have no idea how that will turn out, but maybe I'll do watercolor on canvas so I can keep my drawing underneath as a guide.  Anyways, art, exercise, music, decluttering my environment, journaling, eating better, staying hydrated, therapy, and Buddhism/slow living.  That's my plan for healing right now.  I just need to shut out the idea of these two doorknobs and let them run wild and stop caring about it.  

Maybe one day I'll lay down the law with her.  But not until we're financially stable (we just started getting paid again).  My law will be "You will not go behind my back and scheme or else you'll end up in a home".  But we'll see about that.  It depends on what she does.  

But until then, my focus will be on me and my family.  And if she needs help with whatever, or taking to the doctor, then I will do that as that's my job.  But I am going to stop caring what she thinks of me.  I need to.  For my own mental health and sanity.  

I am so done and over being her punching bag.  Because me knowing what she says about me?  Only hurts me.  So why should I keep on hurting myself?  

I am done.  With both of them.  

And now I am going to take this fall and fully concentrate on the things that matter.  

More to come on what that entails later.