And because of this, I have been lacking in the one area of my life that always has helped me be more mentally healthy, more organized, and happy: 

I am not a Christian.  I never have been one.  Yes, I believed in a god, but I was a Deist as a child (just like our forefathers--even though people think they were Christian, they just weren't).  God was my homie.  He was my BFF, my all-father, and my spiritual father.  He was my own personal god and he had nothing to do with any religion whatsoever.  He was there for me and only me and was a man of my own creation.  I was connected to him in such a deep way that I even wore crosses around my neck as a teen to represent my love for him, even though he wasn't Jesus.  In all actuality, I never understood the role of Jesus or why he even existed, as I knew, deep down in my heart of hearts that people did bad things due to their physical bodies, not because they were bad souls.  There was no such thing as a bad soul, it was just mental and physical issues that caused all the evil in the world.  I was a child far beyond my time and had the compassion of a Bodhisattva to show for it.  

Although once I hit thirteen or so, I became a Wiccan (well, kinda/sorta), although I was studying but never fully committed until I was around age twenty.  I stayed a Wiccan for around ten years or more, but eventually became an "everything hating Atheist".  I found that to be stifling and sad and it even sent me into a depression.  But eventually I found my way, and now I consider myself an atheist Buddhist.  I don't believe in the religious aspect of Buddhism (because yes, there is a religious aspect to certain types of it) but the personal philosophy of it.  I also mix in a little of my old paganism (the earth-based ideas, rather than the deities--something I never believed in), as well as pantheism, and a touch of humanism.  I still have my personal God.  He's not a creator or anything.  He's my fatherly figure that is always with me and is my personal spiritual and inner therapist.  He's way cooler than any of the other gods out there.  Or even the Christian "God".  Even though as a small child, that's who I saw him as.  But he evolved to be so much more than that.  And in reality, never was that in the first place.  I was just young and didn't know.  

But beyond all that, that's not even what I am talking about here.  That's personal stuff.  When I talk about my spirituality, I am referring to my Buddhist/Pagan views of the universe.  I honor these things through meditation, which I believes brings me closer to both myself, and the universe.  It centers me to the truth.  And I honor that truth by connected to it through meditation and keeping my mind in...how do you say..."the gap" (as Wayne Dyer calls it) or as they call it in the Law of Attraction "The Vortex".  The Buddhists have a simpler name for it: mindfulness.  Being mindful is exactly what all of these other practices are referring to, even though they have different names for it.  So I honor my connection to the universe and myself (which are one in the same) by being mindful, whether it's through dedicated meditation, or just remembering what that feeling feels like and replicating it throughout the day.  And for awhile now, I've lost that connection.  

Too much stress.  Too much junk in my house.  Too much stuff to clean.  Too many things to organize.  Too much of letting my mother bother me.  Too much anger (though I don't show it).  Too much chaos.  All of which accumulates into too much anxiety.  And now?  I have too many health issues, which I am assuming is partially because of everything piling up on me.  So, how do I fix it?  

I recently got this deck called "The Lantern Oracle".  It's a non-predictive deck and is based on psychology, which is why I bought it.  Anyways, I pulled four cards and they were the unknown, forgiveness, misalignment, and metamorphosis.  And they helped me to see what needs to be done in my life and how I should move forward, not only through my illness, but beyond.  

I will say I had a plan before pulling the cards, and the plan from the cards can easily integrate into my original plan.  

My original plan was to purge my house of things (something I've been working on for years, but now I feel that I am ready for a much larger purge of items) and to reconnect to my spirituality through meditation and journaling.  But then I had no idea how to purge my life of stress and chaos and anxiety.  I didn't think about when I pulled the cards, but they ended up filling all that in for me.  

Just keep taking steps forward in life and know that the more forward I keep moving, the more the answers will appear as to what to do next.  Eventually, the unknown will be known and be comfortable.  Which is how you move forward in life in any capacity.  Even if it's scary, just keep taking tiny steps forward, and eventually, you'll get there.

Hurt blocks the light.  We never forgive to heal someone else, we forgive to heal ourselves.  The other person doesn't even have to know about it.  We forgive so we can heal and bath in the light of our true reality and love.  Holding onto pain means that you are living in a reality someone else created for you.  So instead, create your own and let it go.  

When we are misaligned, we are out of sync with ourselves.  So, make a list in your journal of all the places in your life you feel utterly and perfectly aligned, and then see where you aren't aligned based on that and write about that, too.  Then write about how you will find alignment again.  

Change is the only constant in life.  When you hold onto old patterns or old ways, you are not letting yourself grow and become the person you were meant to be.  This could be connected to forgiveness and misalignment: you must learn to embrace change and move forward, even if it's scary, and learn to let go of what is no longer serving you and to find your alignment through change.  And to me, forgiveness fits completely with this card, as not forgiving is holding onto something that no longer serves you.  

Right now my body is screaming at me that I've been abusing it for far too long and now I am changing the way I see it and treat it.  So, I am doing my best to help it heal.  But emotionally, what I can do to change who I am and how I treat myself in that way?  The cards have shown me exactly what I need to do.  And it won't be easy, but what is when it's worth it?  

I am on a journey to forgive my mother.  But the tricky part is: can I do it while living with her?  I will try.  I know what I need to get there.  I know what I need to do.  And I need to let it all go.  

This won't be easy.  And it won't happen immediately (though forgiving my dad was, but he'd been dead for 12 years by then).  But I have to try.  This isn't for her.  This is for me.  I can't do this to myself anymore.  Look at what's been happening to me for fart's sake.  I need to really put effort into doing this so I can heal and move forward with my life both mentally, and hopefully physically.  I am not saying this will cure my sickness.  I am saying this may prevent future bullshit from happening due to stress.  

Also, I strongly believe in healing our high ACE scores, and this is one way to help to do that.  

If my mother's dementia hadn't progressed to the point of her changing her behavior, I am not sure if I could do this.  Deep down I know there is nothing to be really angry at anymore, as she hardly leaves her room.  But I still hold onto my anger because it's comfortable and it makes me happy to hold her responsible for her past actions.  But it's time to move on.  

Wish me luck.  As I wish you luck on your journey, too.  

2024, hopefully the year of moving forward.