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| This is Will the Weenie, my ex-husband, he's supposed to be wearing overalls, but he's not. |
I am STILL super bothered by my ex-husband posting that shit online about me. Especially the part about me being "jealous" which is why I didn't like his girlfriends. I was floored when I read that, and I still am. I have never heard him, not once, ever say anything like that before. So, what, almost 20 years later he's going to make up the fact that I was "jealous"? Of what? Certainly not of his girlfriends...I mean...um....that just makes me simultaneously want to barf and roll over in hysterical laughter at the same time. He made me sick to be married to him while we were still married (he grossed me out), so that never once was an issue. I mean, one day he asked me "Don't you still love me?" I said "I don't think I ever did. I was with you and then we were forced to get married a month after we started dating...love was never ever an option for me. Then I had to stay because we had a child and I nowhere else to go. So I tried to make it work. But I never loved you." It "broke" his narcissistic little heart (or so he acted when I left him). So, what on earth could I have been jealous of?
I assume the only thing that would make sense (and I will say he never makes sense...so this probably isn't even it) was the idea that these women were in my children's lives. Maybe he thought I was jealous they'd see these women as other mothers? That isn't too far fetched from reality, but it wasn't because they were just "other women". It's because they were all trash. My ex didn't date normal women. He dated trashy, bossy, controlling (read: narcissistic) other women. I was the most normal woman he was ever with. And yes, I was controlling, too. BUT that's purely because he was trash and a narcissist and didn't do one single thing as a father to my children. SO, my mentality is "if you can't do the time, you can't do the crime". Wait, that sounds weird. I mean if you can't put in the work, you can't reap the benefits. So, I gave him ZERO benefits. And for a narcissist? That was akin to me punching him in the face repeatedly every single day.
If you won't act like a father, then you get ZERO choices in what happens with your children. WE are not a we anymore at that point, there is a me and there is this guy who lives in our house and pays our bills. What? Is this 1953? Naw, bitch, it's the late 90's and early 2000's. You have to actually do the job if you want equal say. You can't skate by in life and expect to get everything equally.
"You only wanted me for my money!" he used to scream at me. *sigh* No, dumbass, what I wanted was a good father and husband. What I wanted was someone who wouldn't abuse me or my children. What I wanted was for my husband to "step up" and become a man, instead of complaining every single time I asked him to help with our children. What I wanted was an equal partner, not some idiot who treated me like his slave. I didn't get anything I wanted. So, neither do you. That's how this works. You can't be lazy as fuck AND be an asshole. You have to pick one. I would have preferred you to be neither, but like some kind of twisted moron, you chose both. So, in what universe did you think that you would get equal say in a life that you didn't include yourself in? You were a silent benefactor. That's the position you put yourself in, not me. Except you didn't know your role because you could not stay silent. You can't be a tyrant benefactor, that's how you get overthrown. Or at least, ignored.
So, that's how I became controlling. I didn't tell him what to do with his half of our lives. I told him what to do with mine. Which was "stay the fuck out of it!". He created this division, not me. He had every god damned chance to be a good father and husband and he instead chose to be a lazy asshole. He was cruel, mean, and selfish as fuck. WHY WOULD I GIVE ANYONE WHO ACTS LIKE THAT EVEN A TINY BIT OF CONTROL OVER MY OR MY CHILDREN'S LIVES?
Nope.
But it goes so far beyond just being an asshole. Soooooooo far beyond. He also sexually abused me and shamed me for doing things once, that he did on a regular basis. One day, I was really sick and had a migraine and fell asleep on the couch. ONCE. And my son, who was a baby, was sleeping on my bed rolled off the bed and shut the door with his body. Him and his asshole friend KENNY (real name, you dick) came home and found me and started screaming about the baby being stuck in the bedroom pushed up against the door. He wasn't crying, he was sleeping. They had a FIT about it and made me feel like total shit.
Kenny didn't have kids yet, and my ex (I want to use his real name so badly here) wasn't a real parent, so who on earth were they to say shit? Especially since Will (kinda sorta his real name), my ex, had sleep apnea and refused to get a cpap machine and slept everywhere, all the time, one reason I could not leave my children alone with him. One time, he fell asleep and my youngest son almost went down the stairs in his walker.
But we gently pushed the door open and the baby went with it and he was fine. Not that it was okay that happened, but I was fucking sleep deprived and never ever took naps anyways. So this? Was always going to be a one-time occurrence.
But of course, he hammed it up, talking about how "irresponsible" I was (pot? meet kettle!) and what a bad parent I was. L. O. L. Me. A bad parent. *giggle* I lived for my kids and spent every waking moment of my young adult life taking care of my kids and homeschooling them and living the life of a mom. That was my identity. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. And some pretty big ones later in life (as you may have read about that recording). But the mistakes I did make I have made up for and I have done my best to grow and change and be a safe space for my kids to make mistakes and grow and change, too. I've also learned to be a better wife and friend to my husband as the years have gone by. What as Will done? Oh I know! He's never admitted to his mistakes and keeps on making new ones and never apologizes and just blames me (and everyone else around him) for everything rather than taking one iota of responsibility AND he apparently makes up shit in order to sound like he's a victim.
Did I make mistakes in our marriage? You betcha! But I don't regret a single one to him because HE'S AN ABUSIVE NARCISSIST! The "mistakes" I made were trusting him with any vulnerable part of me or my kids, because he just used those things to exploit us all and hurt us. The biggest mistake I made was not pushing to get a restraining order on him earlier and allowing my children anywhere near him after we separated. And believing for one stupid second that he could do better. Those were my mistakes.
You know he used to read my journals? So much so that I used to write in code so I could later lie and say "That's a story idea I was working on", even though back then? I wasn't a writer LOL And he was stupid so he believed me.
I am sorry I keep harping about this, but I just finally full realized since this all happened that he really is 100% a narcissist and he's also a liar. I knew he exaggerated, but I never realized how much he was lying behind our backs. Which is a good thing.
I finally feel free. Yes, I am processing my anger, 20 years after leaving his dumbass, but I feel that I am allowed to actually process it correctly now. I am no longer stuck a cycle of having to deal with him anymore. No more excuses. Nothing. I am finally free. I can breathe again. I can cut that cord and be done. God, it feels utterly amazing! I want to dance in the streets! I want to sing it out loud! I want to be joyous and scream it from the rooftops:
"I NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT ASSHOLE AGAIN! WHOO HOOOOOOOOO!!" I mean, unless I run into him (I did run into his wife recently, but she didn't say shit to me). If I do run into her, I want to tell her: it was always about him, Tena, never you. (UPDATE: I ran into her shortly afterwards and she invited my youngest son her to grandson's preschool graduation LOL Yes, like either of my children want to be anywhere near them...)
To be free of your abuser, is a release like nothing else.
Like my uterus, Will is cut from my life forever, never to return. And I am free!! Just like my uterus, he gave me nothing but shit (well, also just like my uterus, he gave me two amazing kids--but the rest of the time, they both gave me nothing but shit!). Whoo hoo!
Now I need to some sort of releasing ceremony!
Goodbye Will Bowser!! You were nothing but a pain in my everything! And now that pain can be gone and I can celebrate having my life back again! This is how I feel about this below! Happy Easter y'all! I am free!!!
