"Hey Shay and gang!

I realized it had been a while since I've communicated. Wanted to see how all of you are doing and let you know what is happening in my neck of the woods.

First, sad news. My best friend I had in (my town) and my Lamaze partner when you were born, Debra W., died a week ago. She and I had started reconnecting over the past year and a half. Lately it was hard to get together as she was having health issues and had been in and out of the hospital. Her gut was hurting her so much, and she was told to change her diet. Only when she demanded they do a cat scan did they find she had a mass in her bowels. And unfortunately, it was too late. The cancer had probably spread and she died before she left the hospital. At least that is what I understand.

Her passing was such a shock to me. She and I had planned to get together this past week, but that moment never happened. When Deb and I did get together before, it was as if we could pick up right where we left off.  She had such a quick wit and we enjoyed many belly laughs. So can you imagine having this woman present at your birth? I'm sure she cracked a joke or two, knowing her.  I know you don't remember her, but I thought you would like to know.

I am adjusting to owning a house again. It feels scary being financially responsible for anything that might quit working, or just the maintenance, especially on such an old house. I do love the yard though! I'm letting the back corner grow up and throwing in wildflower seeds. I plan to add in some large flower gardens. The goal is to add color among all the green, and have less to mow! I bought an electric lawnmower at Home Depot (they had the 12-month no interest deal). First mower, the self-propel part immediately stopped working. I took it back, did some research, and got the same model again. It works perfectly! So yeah, it is a LARGE yard (1 acre) for a walk-behind mower, but I could not afford a riding mower. And besides, I need the exercise. I just do a section at a time. And I got a shot in my knee so I could walk without pain. That was getting old really fast.

The one thing I'm really excited about is being able to "design" my own yard, and having a large yard in which to do it. It will be a lot of work, so will take time. It is wonderful to sit in the screened-in porch, listen to the birds, and feel the breeze.

Today I got a visit from the new president of the village council. He was super nice. But he was visiting those people whom have had complaints lodged against them. Apparently someone lodged a complaint about my cats again. The first time was about 4 weeks ago. I received a notice I was in violation of the animal control code. At first I thought maybe someone didn't think I had my dog contained (I have an invisible fence). I visited the village clerk and she told me it was about my cats. Apparently one, or both of them, were doing their business in someone else's yard. She said she ignored it at first, but then they kept calling, so she had to send me a notice. The people didn't even have the decency to come talk to me themselves.

The council president told me they were lodging complaints again. I explained to him that, as soon as I knew there was a complaint last time, I kept my cats indoors for at least 2 weeks and was working with invisible fence to keep them in my yard (bunch more money to get their collars and get them set up). I've had invisible fence out 3 times to make adjustments to the levels on their collars, and now neither one is trying to leave the yard. So he totally got it and said he would let the village clerk know. I also told him I've been hearing another cat meowing outside my doors and windows during the night, so it could be someone else's cat. I've never, in my 68 years on this earth, ever had anyone complain about my cats being on their property, whether it was in a city, or in the country. One of the things I loved about this property was that my cats could get out and explore, especially with the woods behind my house. Now they can't even do that. If only I had the money to buy a large track of land (wooded of course), I'd do it in a heartbeat, and keep the neighbors at bay.

Your grandma is now in a nursing home in (sister's city), where Sharon lives. Your grandma (she keeps calling her "my grandma" rather than her mother....I find this odd) kept falling, needing stitches, and calling the ambulance. Finally, the doctor told her she could not leave unless she went into a nursing home. So Sharon wanted her in the nursing home near her. I think now she is regretting it. LOL  Just as Tony would complain that he had to take her to doctor appointments and get her medicine when he insisted she come to a retirement home in (his city)

So grandma is in (nursing home name). Sharon's boys cleaned out her apartment in (her mother's old city), and much of your grandma's stuff is in storage in Lincoln.

So how are things with you guys? Any closer to your traveling plans? One of my friends used to have a school bus they traveled in. Now they bought an RV they can pull behind their truck. I know you mentioned before about modifying a box truck, but it was getting too expensive to do it according to code. Maybe you can find something out-of-state that is already modded. (she knew we sold that truck a year ago...what is she even talking about??)

What are your plans for the summer? You are always welcome to come visit. I know it is further to travel, but if you find yourself going through (nearby city), I'm about 15-20 minutes from the interstate that passes through there. And I am always willing to come up your way.

Anyways, let me know how all of you are doing!

And so I am done.  This is my last straw.  Over and over and over again, she's done nothing but ignore me and act like I don't exist.  I had a hysterectomy in February and I told her about it a week prior and she never once asked if I was okay and still didn't address it in this email (but did address some fucking box truck I sold a year ago).  This has happened over and over and over again for the past 20 years.  I think I've given a good go.  But now I am building a boundary and I am done. 

Here is my letter back: 

"Hi (birthmother's name),

 

I’m going to be honest with you—fully, and for the last time. 

Today is my 48th birthday. We’ve known each other for 28 of those years. In that time, you’ve forgotten my birthday more times than I can count. You forgot my 40th. And now, on my 48th, you sent me a long letter about your lawn mower, your cats, your friend’s death, your knee, and your neighborhood complaints—but never once said Happy Birthday. 

You mentioned my birth—but only as a backdrop to someone else’s passing. You told me that the woman who was at my birth just died, as if that somehow honored me. As if I should feel special to be included in a grief letter. Do you realize how incredibly tone-deaf that is? To use the day I came into the world to highlight someone else leaving it?  And you chose to say this ON my birthday?? 

I don’t understand you. 

If I had given up a child for adoption, I would have celebrated that child’s birthday every year—even if I never saw them again. You’re lucky. You got to reconnect with your child. And yet, you treat the day of my birth like it doesn’t matter. Like I don’t matter to you. 

I know you’re not my mother—not in any real way. But even a stranger might have the decency to say Happy Birthday. Hell, my son’s friends messaged me today and they don’t even know me. Have you ever heard of Google Calendar? You can actually input important days into it so you don’t forget. But then again, the day would have to be important to you, so I guess that would defeat the purpose. 

You didn’t check on me after my hysterectomy a few months ago. You didn’t message me during COVID. You didn’t show up when it mattered. And when you did call before my surgery, I thought it was to offer support. But no—you just wanted to ask if I could get you drugs, that I do not have and you know I don’t have. Do you even hear yourself??

 I’ve said nothing for years. I’ve protected you from the consequences of your own behavior, because frankly? I didn’t think it would make a difference. I let it go, again and again, hoping you were only like this a little bit, but instead, you just keep getting worse. So this time? This is the end of that road.

 I can’t do this anymore. 

You have shown me—repeatedly—that you will not be there for me. That you are not capable of showing up for me in any meaningful way. And I will not keep trying to earn something you don’t have to give. You don’t have to be any sort of mother to me in any sort of way, but you’re not even a good friend or acquaintance. So what’s the point? I am just someone you can ask for favors, or send your “when I remember” newsletters to, without you ever reaching out to me when I actually need it. You remember some stupid thing about a truck I sold a year ago, but you can’t remember I that I had major surgery a week after I told you about it?? Seriously Barbara, what is even wrong with you?

 I am so, so lucky I didn’t inherit whatever it is that keeps you from loving or caring about people properly. I know how to love. I know how to show up. I know how to be a mother—and I will never pass on the kind of hurt you’ve handed to me. People always say what a selfless act a mother giving up her child is. But I don’t think that’s the case with you. As most things you’ve done since then has shown me they’re rooted in selfishness, whether you mean them to be or not.

I’m done with whatever game we’ve been playing, Barbara. I’m done hoping you’ll change. I’m done making space for someone who refuses to make any for me. I am sorry it has to end this way, but I’ve put 20 years into this relationship with you and all you’ve shown me is that I don’t matter to you. And rather than me telling myself over and over again to not let what you say or do (or not do) continue to hurt me, instead I am building a boundary to protect myself from further harm. 

Please don’t reach out again unless there is an absolute need. 

Shay"

I wrote a song about her giving me up, and now I will write one about me giving her up.  We've come full circle, ladies and gents.  Another door in my life is closing, but hopefully with this, another one will open.  To where?  I am not sure.  But I hope it's wonderful.