I can't write much about this, because I am trying to not think about it too much right now, as it just happened yesterday and it's so horribly painful. But my beloved dog died yesterday. In 2023, we lose three dogs, one to a stroke in January, and our two boys in May or so who we had to put down, due to old age and sickness. But yesterday, my Pomeranian, my baby, the dog that was with me all the time, who loved me and I loved so freaking much, just died.
A month prior he started having odd seizures. We finally had the money to bring him to the vet two days ago and he didn't even examine him and said "Oh, it's just epilepsy, here's some pills". Turns out, my dog was PASSING OUT, not having seizures anymore, and then he aspirated either food or water that night, and then died the next at the emergency vet's office.
I can't do anything without feeling the loss of him. Grief is like living in a dark nasty hole, only to have the sun rise in moments over the hole, making you think "Oh look, I am no longer in this hole", but then the sun moves and you remember, "Nope, I still live in this horrible little hole". My dog was only eight years old. He was supposed to live at least another 10 years, that was the deal we made. Poms can live to be 20. But I guess heart disease is common in Poms and he had a heart blockage. I got his teeth cleaned recently so that didn't happen, but I think it had started long before that. He was getting tired in the car, sometimes almost immediately, and that's not like him. But I just thought he was middle-aged, I didn't think he was sick. I also have this thing about vets...they suck. And they almost NEVER diagnose your pet properly, so unless your dog is super sick? Taking them to the vet is almost useless, as they just brush everything off and then charge you 100's of dollars for it. Just like a real docor!
I cannot WAIT until we get AI doctors and vets....humans are too stupid for this (they're also too stupid to be driving, too, but that's a different topic all together). An AI vet or doctor would have ALL knowledge and could test you for everything, and if AI was in charge, it would either be free or cost barely anything. AND we'd get actual answers and not have to go through years of suffering until we do (and sometimes, we never do--like my dog, he died before we could get answers).
He didn't even look sick. When they brought him to me after he died, he looked normal. Just like he was sleeping. He didn't look weird or bad or different in the least. He just didn't twitch his ear when I touched it, like he normally does.
If vets were better (and cheaper)? I would have brought him MONTHS ago and he could have been diagnosed (maybe). If vets were better? He could have been diagnosed the day before and maybe we could have put him down that day, instead of him sitting for TWELVE hours, panting (though he was struggling to breathe, I wasn't sure at the time, but he was) waiting for the vet to open the next day. He suffered needlessly for twelve straight hours, which makes me sick to think about. Granted, had he been diagnosed, they may have tried to save him with medication and he may have died anyways, in the same manner. There is no way to tell. But I want to blame something! I need there to be a reason, even if that reason is me, and that reason needs to be something that could have been fixable. But deep down, I know there is no one single reason (other than me, maybe). I could have taken him to the vet months ago, but I also know they most likely wouldn't have diagnosed him properly. Or maybe they would have. I don't know. I just want him back. He's not supposed to be dead. He's supposed to be my little guy who is always with me and loves riding in the car. He was supposed to go on adventures with us. He was supposed to move to our new property with us. He was supposed to be my baby for at least ten more years. TEN! I didn't even get ten years total with him!!!
I can't write anymore. I have do something else, distract myself from the grief that wants to consume me. My sinuses hurt from crying so much and I woke up with a migraine. At least I can pee without crying my eyes out today. Or maybe that won't last. I will be alone most of the day, so I need to keep busy, or else I will dissolve into this horribleness. So I will clean my room, and the house and do laundry and whatever else I can to keep myself busy.
I feel so empty. His loss is a HUGE part of my soul and I don't know how that will ever heal. He was my baby. My soul dog. And now he's gone. And I just want me and my family to switch timelines to get him back.