I can't eat where I want to in my home.  I am not allowed to eat at my own table, even if I wanted to (though I don't, not here).  When we first moved in with her in 2020, she tried to recreate my home life by having everyone sit at the table every single night, and she'd have both her and I alternate making dinner.  Back then, she could still drive and would go grocery shopping, even though I had just bought groceries.  The funny part was that she'd go out and buy the same exact groceries I just bought.  She'd waste so much money that way.  Anyways, dinner had to be done by 6pm sharp every single night, and we'd all cram in together at the table, and the four of us (my kids, hubby, and I) would be having fun, talking and doing whatever.  My mother, on the other hand, was just observing.  If she saw your elbows on the table, she'd literally smack them off.  If she saw you weren't eating a certain food, she'd ask why.  If she saw you were eating quickly, she'd comment on fast you'd be eating.  If she saw you were eating slow, she'd ask why.  Every little thing you'd do or not do, she'd comment on it.  And it was getting out of control.

My entire life with her was like this.  She wonders why now, at 48, I have eating issues.  Just kidding, she doesn't wonder.  Not at all.  That would mean she actually cared LOL  And we all know that narcissist don't care about anything.  But if she did, I would tell her it's all her fault.  Growing up, I dealt with this nightly.  The 6pm mandatory dinner time.  If you're late, you're disrespectful and didn't get to eat anything at all if you didn't show up.  No saving food for later (though, when I think about it, I could have easily warmed up leftovers, as there were always leftovers).  No different meal made for you if you didn't like what was made.  And she always made food I didn't like.  Always.  As a teen with a job and a license, I learned to live on fast food, because I could never eat at home.  I didn't learn how to cook until I got married, so I couldn't go buy groceries to make my own dinners.  Granted, when I did do that as an adult, my mother would stand behind me and comment on how I made my food and berate me the entire time.  When we moved in here, she'd do the same to my son.  She tried it with me, but I kicked her ass out of the kitchen.  The constant "Why aren't you eating your potatoes?"  "Why are you blah blah blah?"  "Why are you mixing your food together?"  etc. etc.  She was relentless.  Every.  Single.  Night.  

As time went on in our current house, I eventually called her out on for smacking people's arms when they put their elbows on the table.  For one meal, we ALL put our elbows on the table and laughed the entire time.  My mother was not happy.  I looked right at her and said "You will never hit anyone's arms again.  Keep your hands to yourself."  And she listened.  Since moving in here, I feel like I am reparenting my mother, because nobody ever taught her how to act properly.  (I even said that to her once "Nobody raised you right, but that's okay, I am here, that's my job now".)  

But the nitpicking while we were eating with her, it got so bad that it unleashed an anxiety in me so that I couldn't eat at all anymore.  So, I eventually decided to eat in my room.  Which upset my kids, because they had to listen to my mother bitch about it.  So, one day, I got the balls to just say "Since you need to eat so early, I am going to feed you at 6 and we'll eat later."  And the rest was history.  At first, she was pissed.  And for a long time, almost a year, she complained about every meal I cooked for her (and I cooked her real meals).  She couldn't nitpick us, so instead, she nitpicked the food.  "You know what would be better?  If you added this or made it like that...."  Every single night.  So, I started saying "You're welcome" and marching out of the room.  So, eventually, I resorted to making her "quick meals".  I wasn't going to slave over a hot stove twice a night.  Not for an ungrateful child like her, but also it was just too much for me to handle.  And much of what I make my family, she can't eat as she has no teeth.  

So, I remembered something: growing up, my mother made us "quick meals".  Every single night.  She couldn't be bothered to actually cook for us (including herself), so she made fast and easy meals.  She didn't have a job for almost my entire childhood and she didn't actually do anything all day, other than gossip with neighbors or her mother.  But she still couldn't be bothered to cook us real meals (even though I requested them regularly).  So, I turned to those "quick meals" as a format to feed her.  And it's been working ever since.   Now, making dinner for her is very easy and non-stressful and she's learned to never complain.  I no longer feed her things she can complain about.  She can't insult my cooking if I didn't cook it, right?  And now, she will exaggerate how great my food is...deep down, I know it's meant as an insult, since when I do actually give her something I cooked, she doesn't compliment me.  But I don't care.  Though I put a stop to that too, I told her once "You don't have to thank me every single night, it's tiresome."  And so she stopped.  

Food was something my mother has always ruined, whether by cooking it, eating it, or making it, whether by her or someone else.  She is, and always was, a master of that.  But I finally put a stop to most of her complaints and nitpicking.  Thank freaking goodness.

But the damage has been done.  All those years of putting up with her, she has ruined mealtimes for me.  Most likely, for life.  Maybe one day, when I get some distance away from her, I can learn to enjoy mealtimes again.  But food itself has always been a very complicated thing for me due to her.  And I can't sit at a table without feeling sick.  Thanksgiving is coming up, and I am not looking forward to sitting at a table with her.  I think I may try something else.  I am not sure.  I just may take my food and eat it in my room.  I don't know what I'll do.  But it's only twice a year we eat with her now.  Thanksgiving and Christmas.  That's it.  Holidays were always horrible for me as a kid.  Again, due to my parents and being forced to sit at a table with tons of people.  But now it's just us.  Though my mother is enough all on her own to ruin things LOL  But hopefully it will just be chill and we can all just eat some delicious food.  *sigh*  

I can't wait to find more people to celebrate holidays with.  I am working on it.  Along with 100 other things, because my ADHD brain is always busy working on something.  But I know this is important to my family's evolution so I will be sure to make this a priority in the new year.  Building community was always my thing when I was younger, and I want it to be my thing again now in middle age.  It's time.  

I hope your Thanksgiving (or whatever holidays are coming up for you) are going to go well.  If not, don't stress yourself out.  Just do what you can and keep your sanity safe.  Until next time, my friend.  Good luck.