The fact my mom treats most everyone the same sometimes makes me feel better.

But then sometimes it doesn't.  Because she doesn't treat those she sees as above her that way, only those below her. 

I am included in that category. 

So she treats me, and her 3 friends, and my kids and sometimes my hubby all the same.  She says her little phrase "Oh, you think so?" with her squinty eyes at us.  She brushes off our issues as if they are nothing.  She acts like she's humoring us with her presence. 

So in other words, we are her minions and she is queen. 

BUT to know its not just me does help me to feel better just a tad.  But her one friend is mentally retarded.  One is only slightly brain damaged because of trauma she received as a child.  And the last one, who is my friend as well, she treats as though she IS retarded.  She she lumps my intelligence into those she deems as mentally inferior.

But that's what the maternal narcissist does: turns her children into emotionally retarded people around them.  She will keep you as a child by treating you like one, make you feel crazy by not validating things that actually happened, and invalidates your feelings as if they don't count.  So no matter what, around her, you will feel like a child.  And an emotionally stunted one, at that.


So if you're used to your mother treating you in a certain way, then pay attention to how she treats others.  If you see her using the same techniques and the same "narc-y" phrases, then you can be sure of how she sees that person on her totem of narcdom.  Behind their backs she may talk shit about them, OR she may talk them up like they are AMAZING, but to their faces she treats them like shit, OR puts her "narc facade" (that mind-numbing, fake presentation of OVER niceness, and sickening sweetness). 

BUT people can go up and down her totem pole like a stripper in a show, depending on where they are are in mom's good graces.  Even if she isn't their mother.  She likes to play this game with my cousins.  She pretends to me they are AMAZING (although before they were ASSHOLES), but then others she talks shit about them (who then tell me).  And if I bring that up to her, she will deny, deny, deny!  "I never said that about them!  She must have heard wrong!"  So you quickly learn to keep your mouth shut and don't get into any "real" conversations with her about anyone else.  BUT if I prove I am a good girl and don't bring up any "triggers" for her, then I am in her good graces enough to hear her talk smack about others. 

Luckily I am not with her every day anymore, so I don't have to play that "totem pole" game.  I don't bring up my cousins.  I don't comment on them when she talks about them, other than saying "oh really?".  I talk about her cats, her dog and my pets.  I don't bring up my friends, or other people.  I try not to talk about my life except in general.  I will slip up sometimes and bring up something important to me, just out of habit.  But normally I just leave it alone.

I know she sees me as below her.  But she doesn't only see ME as below her, so I guess that's nice.  But be that as it may, I need to remember, I am NOT below her.  Though when I am around her, I sometimes have a hard time not feeling childish or as an outsider in my own mother's house.  But that's why I limit how much I see her.  Its better for my own psyche.  And I've trained myself to see when she treats others the same as myself.  It makes me sad for them, but it also makes me realize:

THIS IS ALL A GAME TO HER.  And I don't have to play it if I don't feel like it. 

Remember that.  You don't have to play their games.  You can do as I do, and just say "I gotta go!" when you've had enough.  Or you can never play the game at all. 

You and I are not below them.  We are so far above them, that they can't see us, and it scares them.  So they have to play pretend.  So let them.  Its not about you anymore.  It all about them.  They are the queens and we are the pawns.

And its okay if she thinks I am a pawn.  I know I am queen.  Not the queen of others, like she wants to be.  But the queen of me.  The queen of my own life.  And I don't need her approval. 

My mom has a phrase:

"Oh, you think so?" with a squint of her eyes.  As if to say "Oh really?" with an eyeroll. 

You know the conversation is over when she says this.

So I've found a good phrase of my own to use when she's nitpicking my house, or my sleep schedule, or my children, or just about anything and everything:

"I know, right?" then change the subject. 

I will show you how it works:


Mom: Oh wow, you never ripped up that part of your carpet!
Me: I know, right?  How's your dog doing today?

Mom: Oh wow, you never cleaned your porch!
Me: I know, right?  Did Alex get into any of your bread lately? (Alex=cat who steals her bread)

See how ingenious this is?  I mean, she COULD come back with "I was talking about....." but more than likely the chance to talk about her own life will outweigh her need to nitpick. 

We can hope. 

Try it and see it works for you and if so, come back and let me know!

OR if you have your own "phrase of diversion", let me know below :)

Cause you know what?  If you can distract them, you can confuse them into changing their behavior in that moment. 

Good luck!

And Happy Holidays :)

Stop expecting the NPD in your life to ever do the right thing.

Or to think when they do, they do it because they should or "that's who they really are"....no, they do it because it reflects well upon them.  And you're in their good graces.  If they get nothing out of it, they will NEVER do the right thing.  EVER.

I know it sounds harsh, but they won't.  They will ALWAYS choose the most self-serving route possible.

The more I study about narcissism, the more I learn that my ex-husband and ex-mother-in-law are TOTAL narcs.  Different than my mother, but still narcs.

No matter what, throughout our relationship and divorce, he would NEVER do the right thing.  Paying his child support, seeing his kids, it was all a part of his big grand scheme of "If I have to go out of my way and I get nothing in return (cause seeing your kids give you nothing in return), then I will just not do it".  Knowing my kids were not allowed to watch rated-R movies (at ages 3 and 6), he'd allow them to watch the raunchiest shit she could find, JUST to spite me.  See, he got something out of it: he got to be in control.  Even if that control hurt his children (and according to my sexually assault counselor, this was sexual abuse), he didn't care.  He got to go against my words.  I took his world away by divorcing him, so he took his children's worlds and used them to feed his own ego and narcissistic supply.

Narcs WILL NOT go out of their comfort zones to please others.  They will not put themselves out to save anyone but their own asses.

He even spent Father's Day partying with his brother down at his college every year (his brother's birthday) so he could feed this supply (cause girls used to hit on him and he got to be free of his family) while were married.  Every single year, and if his brother's birthday fell on Father's Day, so be it.  He would leave his sick and puking wife at home with a sick and puking baby to out to the bar and play darts.  He would tell me to "quit whining and take care of yourself" when I was sick but his ass would whine more than an abandoned dumpster baby when he was sick.

He would leave his 4 month old child on the couch, where he could roll off, just to bother me for sex (which I never gave him).  He'd basically abandon both of his kids for sleep if I wasn't home with them to watch them.  Try a 1 and 4 year old, alone in an apartment, fending for themselves, while he slept.  He did this every single time he had to watch them.

And when I actually got time off from being a SAHM, which was TWO times in 6 years?  He'd call and bitch and bitch and bitch to me about "when I would come home".  He, my dear readers, was a selfish dick of a man.

He made my husband's life hell too, having to put up with him all throughout the first half of our marriage.  And when my husband finally got to adopt my kids?  His own parents (who are something else....could be a little narcy, or something.....) didn't even give two shits.

But that's a whole other story. 

So, when you expect a narc to do the right thing?  (or if you're stupid like me, expecting it time after time after time after time), just know this:

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!

Like, ever.

ALWAYS expect the worst with them.  So if they DO happen to do something right?  Its a pleasant surprise.  But please don't take that as "they are changing", cause they aren't.  They will eventually go RIGHT BACK to who they were once their "fakeness" wears off.

So yeah, no expectations.  I used to tell my ex, once I caught on "I know you'll always do the wrong thing, so I literally expect nothing out of you.  Nothing.  And you always deliver."

And I was right.

NO EXPECTATIONS my friends, or you'll be let down every, single, time.

So, I kinda feel bad about what I posted yesterday, BUT I also know it was the truth.  My husband read it and said "We are NOT taking her dog."  LOL  Yeah....he'll not be able to say no when the time comes LOL

But today was worse than yesterday with her.  She was yelling, argumentative, and combative, to my children and myself.  She was threatening, and being childish.  It was like shopping with 3 damn kids today, and two of them WERE kids.

I love my mother.  I really do.  And for who she is, not who I expect her to be.  She just frustrates me to high heaven.  She was good for such a long time...okay, like a freaking month and half, now that I count the days.  But that was the longest time ever!  And just like that BAM!!!!  back to her old self.

How lovely for me.

The only issue I have here in my inability to take care of my family, monetarily.  If I could just do that,  I could walk away from when the need arises.  I will not have to fake nice or pretend to be her verbal punching bag.  I could be more adult about the whole thing. 

But I will keep working on that part, and hopefully it will work out...for so many reasons. 

But mostly, so I can be "normal" and not have to subject my family to her ways on a regular basis. 

I know she's dying.  We all are, aren't we?  But she has a slow progressing disease...although I can clearly see the dementia progressing more rapidly than the Parkinson's.  I know she's hurting somewhere deep down inside, somewhere she can't even find herself. 

I know this.  And because of that, I can forgive her and humor her when I need to.  She can't help being narcissistic.  But I also don't deserve any more abuse, either.  And I know there is something on the brink just waiting to happen to us, something wonderful.  So we can be a financially secure family.  And so I can love her from afar when need be. 

Its not healthy, her and I, being in such close proximity all the time anymore.  And I know eventually, she will live with us when she's too sick to take care of herself.  And in an altered state of mind.  But until then, I can have a healthier relationship with her by keeping as much distance as I can between us, even with only a block between us.  I just need something to come thru.

I am gifted at so many things, as is my wonderful husband.  But it just seems we haven't caught a break yet.  We will, we will.  I just hope its soon. 

I am off to bed, good night my friends.  And pleasant dreams.

So here I am, November 11, 2013, and back into the world that is my mother.  The world revolves there.  She just got a new dog.  And at first it was my job to take her out and walk her.  Mind you, I live a block away LOL  But I love the dog, so what can you do?

Now she's more comfortable with it all, but I know my mom.  She gets bored REAL fast and guarantee you I will end up with a new dog within a year.  "Oh its too hard!"  "Oh, I just can't do it anymore!"  Cats are easy for her, you just "let them outside".  Without shots.  Or flea meds.  And hope they come back home.  If not, get a new one.

I feel assholey to say that, but that's how she's been my whole life.  I hope this time is different, but she has no fenced in yard, so I KNOW how this will turn out.

My mom HATES anything she has to work for.  I am 100% serious.  She won't even play one of her games (aka. Seek and Find games) if its timed.  Cause its work.

If she has to try more than 2 times, she's done with something.  She gives up more than any person I know on Earth.

I've had to fight my urges my whole life to not be like her.  My innate self wants to give up.  I get bored and tired of something, but I have learned: anything worth doing will be hard work.  So I've pushed against that wall that is my mother's behavior continuously my whole life.

And YET the times I do give up?  I got scolded for it. 

Then there were times I didn't want to give up, and she gave up for me.  She was bored with me ice skating, something I LOVED and made me quit.  "Its too much money," she'd say.  But my dad worked like 70+ hours a week and had an excellent job and I was an only child.  And our mortgage was $500 for 30 years.  So where did this magical amount of "too much money" for something your child desperately wants to do come into play?  Granted, I may be remembering wrong and maybe I gave up too.....but I know I didn't want to.  I am sure if I did, it was to please my mother.

That's all everything is with her: gaining her approval.  And when you don't?  You clearly know it.

Today I decided to break down a wall I had put up since June and tell her an issue I was having in my life, and she just fucking ignored me. 

Then I went to her house to borrow her car (our is not working right) and she ignored me some more. And I was all upset and hurt. 

Then I said "Whoah!  Hold up!  She can't make me sad anymore.....what the hell?  This was MY fault, I was the one who shared something with her that I knew full well she would not care about." 

And I instantly felt better.  She can't hurt me anymore.  Sure, maybe for a bit, but then I realize I am the one in control, not her.  She doesn't get to make me feel ANYTHING anymore.  Only I do. 

And while I am still doing stuff for her and have her in my life, our relationship is NOT the same in the least.  But I am not the same in the least.  She is.  But I am not, and that's all that matters.

I hope those of you who are going thru the same thing can find the strength to not be that person anymore either :) 

"Just like in chess...the Queen protects the King..."

 Yup.  My life is a chess game, always will be.  I am a pawn, always have been, to the Queen who rules the board.  I am only allowed so much, and she is allowed anything and everything.  But her job is to protect the King, who is also only allowed a minimum amount.  But the Queen, she can infiltrate everything.  

But sometimes...if you're a good enough player and the Queen isn't paying attention, you can win against her. 

But you gotta be quick, slick, and PAY ATTENTION.

But I tell you what.........my life would be so much more fun if I was playing Candyland.

the only person there to protect was my dog.  He was my best friend.  He slept under my crib and growled at people who came into my room.  He walked beside me outside, to keep me away from the road (but when he was alone, he'd run away).  My dog was awesome. 

He was also the same dog that my dad would beat with a belt.  Did my mother ever stop him?  Did she ever yell at him?  Threaten him?  Hit him for it?  Did she ever comfort the dog? 

And supposedly he did this outside in the yard.  Why didn't the neighbors call the cops on him?  Back then though, everyone "minded their own business".  Not ONCE did the cops get called on my family.  But maybe its a good thing they didn't, as I would have gotten the blame for it.

When I think about these things, I think more about my mother's role in all of it than my father.  I've gone my ENTIRE life being angry with my dad and giving him ALL of the blame.  I never once looked at my mother.  I saw her as a victim, just as I was.

But she wasn't a victim.  I personally feel my father drank to deal with his shitty life growing up and his life with her.  I think if she would have been a loving and understanding wife, he could have coped without alcohol.  But she came from a family of alcoholics, too, so drinking was just their thing.

But with her being a narcissist, he drank to deal with that.  He was not allowed to talk to his own family even......she made sure of that. 

I remember them fighting like INSANE people almost every night of the week....sometimes it was only weekends.  And my poor Pepper (my dog) would hid and shake and be scared.  And I would yell at them to "Stop!! You're scaring the dog!!"  But they never listened.  Arguing was more important than being normal.

I don't feel my anger will ever end towards her.  Not until: 1) she apologizes and talks openly about it with me or 2) after she's dead or I stop talking to her. 

Being around her makes me so angry.  It makes me hurt.  She won't even acknowledge anything happened this past summer.  She wants to pretend its all not real. 

:::sigh:::  I don't know how much longer I can pretend.  I thought it would be easy, but its not.  It makes it worse.  I want to bring it up to her, talk to her again, even thought I know it won't help, but it will make ME feel better.

I want to know why she didn't protect my dog.  He was mine...even though he was there before I was born, he was still mine.  I took care of him...and he took care of me.  They did nothing but abuse the poor thing.  I wish he would have bit them both. 

He lived to be 15 years old.  And I still miss him.  And my Beethovan, who also lived to be 15. 

Funny, I just remembered something....he bit my best friend with we were little...he attacked him.  My mother said it was because "Pepper hates men because that kid's brother kicks the fence at him".  But my dog hated men because my father abused him.  THAT'S why he bit my friend.  Not because of them.  She's so great at covering up shit.  Little did she know that secrets never say silent forever. 

And I, little by little, will uncover them all.  Even if that means I have to pretend to be nice when inside I want to scream.