When time has gone by and they've been good for a bit, you know they're gearing up for some drama.  That's because they're addicted to chaos, and they can't go without it for too long, otherwise they get too bored.  And god forbid they become bored.  Because the more bored they get, the more drama they want to stir up.

So, how do you combat this nice little feature the narcissists seem to be preprogrammed with?

Well, on their end, there's not much you can do.  They are who they are and you can't really change them.  The only thing you can do is to not let their behavior spin you out of control.  Believe me, I know what it's like to get caught up in their drama.  It's so easy to do (especially since they taught us that from childhood).  Take my ex, for example.  He used to get the kids every Friday night.  It was horrible.  The kids would beg me not to go, but the courts forced me to let him see the kids, so we had to comply.  He would do something stupid every freaking weekend to the kids (like let them watch rated-R movies or leave them in the care of someone else while he went out, etc.) and I would get caught up in his drama every single time.  I would call him and yell at him on the phone for an hour and every single week went like this.  Then one day I realized, he's doing this on purpose to lure me in.  So I quit participating.  He would do something stupid, and I would say "That's not good."  And I stopped calling him about it.  I realized I got angry because I expected him to be better than he was.  I expected him to act like a good father, when he just wasn't.  I stopped particpating in his drama.  The things he did weren't things I could do anything about (if he had put them in real danger, I would have called someone, and when that did happen, I got a restraining order on him).

When you participate in their drama, they get high off it.  My mother loves to feel victimized so she'll create situations where I have to either tell her to stop or to say no, so she can feel like I'm the bad guy.  Yesterday, she came home with a brand new pan.  She loves to have 50 of all kitchen items (when she lived alone, it was crazy how much her shelves and cabinets were stuffed full).  So when we moved in together, I did was I had been doing the past two years and only had two pots, two pans, enough plates for each person, same for bowls and had only the essential kitchen tools in my countertop crock for spatulas and whatnot.  She practically went insane about this, but since I am the only person who cooks, I put my foot down.

So when she came home with this pan, I was confused.  All of a sudden while at the grocery store with my husband (he takes her shopping to give me a break) she gets this idea in her head that "I need to eat healthy!"  And buys tons of chicken and gets herself a pan to cook her chicken in.  Never mind I just bought four bags of chicken and had two huge bags of leg quarters also.  I said "What's the pan for?"  She said "So I can cook my chicken."  I said "We have pans."  She says "Well, so when you cook your food, I can cook my chicken at the same time."  I said "So you're no longer eating my dinners?"  She says "Well, your cooking is so good and tastes so delicious that I eat too much.  If I make my bland chicken, I won't eat as much."  My mother is the queen of made up bullshit.  This is what she thinks she's good at.  She's not.  "Ma, for one, just take less portion sizes if you're worried about eating too much.  And you have absolutely no sense of smell or taste.  How does my cooking taste any different from your cooking?" (being that she has no sense of smell or taste, she will salt her food until the cows come home just so she can taste something, and she has high blood pressure, so eating that much salt isn't good).  Then I added "We have two pans up here already.  And more in the basement, so why did you buy this pan?  I'm not storing it in the kitchen.  We don't have a lot of cabinet space."  So she replies "I guess you can just return it then."

It's not that she doesn't like my cooking.  It's the fact she's bored and wants to change things up and create some chaos.  When she's in the kitchen while I cook, all she does is tell me what to do and make constant comments.  This annoys me greatly (as it would anyone).  So I started making a big show about how people are always in my way while I cook, so now she goes somewhere else until dinner is ready.  And some nights, she cooks (and I help when she needs it).  So it's not like she can't cook, I let her cook any time she wants.  She just doesn't want to anymore.  But all of a sudden now she wants to make her own food while I make food for everyone else.  Which makes absolutely no sense, since we all sit together to eat every single night.  And supposedly all that chicken she bought was for herself.

After she told me to return her pan to the store, she went outside.  I went outside to go pick up stuff in the yard before the storm rolled in and she started to tell me about how she was going to start going to church.  She isn't religious.  And she hasn't been to church in over thirty years.  And now, amidst the Covid-19 pandemic, she wants to start going to church.  Even though just a month before she called all the people idiots who wanted churches to open so desperately they were protesting in town about it.  *sigh*  First of all, she can't go anywhere alone.  She knows this.  She can't walk that well.  Second, she can't drive, so we'd have to take her.  And third, duh.  If I don't let her go to the store more than once a month due to the pandemic, why on earth would I let her go to a small, enclosed space to sit for an hour or more when she doesn't even believe in it?

She's bored.  Plain and simple.  When she gets bored, she has this obsessive need to do something.  Just any idea that pops into her head, it becomes a huge deal and eventually, yes, it will fizzle out, but until then, she'll press about it until she annoys the ever loving crap out of those around her.

Like she's obsessed with rearranging our living room.  She doesn't even use the living room.  But she won't stop pressing us to move the furniture around.  The issue is, it's the smallest living room in existence and there's no room to put anything any different than what it is.  Well, unless you want half of the furniture put somewhere where you can't see the television (which makes no sense).  We like it the way it is (which we constantly tell her), but for some reason she gets so damn obsessed with the idea of changing it.  And again, that reason is boredom. Plus, she used to constantly rearrange the kitchen cabinets, until I told her to quit because I do all the cooking and can never find anything.

Why is she so bored, you ask?  Right now, it's the pandemic shelter-in-place order.  She can't see her friends (from whom she gets her narcissistic supply).  She can't go shopping (which she's addicted to).  She can't do a lot of things per her doctor's orders (because she's a huge fall risk...her legs do not work right).  So I get it.  There's not much to do.  But even when she could drive and cook and go up and down stairs and do everything she always did, she'd still get bored and create chaos because, like I said, when there's no drama, they have to create drama so they can feel fulfilled.  For them, it's a basic need like food or water.

And the only thing we can do is refuse to participate when it rears it's ugly head.  What that looks like will be different in each situation that comes up, so there's no absolute formula to follow, though a basic one is to pretend you don't care, even if you do.  And another is to stick to your boundaries.  Letting my mother bring that pan into my kitchen, after I explained to her why we can only have what we need rather than an excess of everything, would have just blown my boundaries out the window.  Yes, I participated in her drama.  But what was more important this time was that my boundaries weren't crossed.  If I let her bring that in, it would have opened a doorway to her overfilling our cabinets with all sorts of stuff (which right now our coffee cup situation is getting out of control).  And the other boundary she'd be crossing is creating a complicated situation where dinner would be come "mine" and "hers", rather than ours.  And that would be a whole other situation to deal with later as the idea of washing dishes and storing the food would get more and more complicated.

Some things aren't worth fighting (that's when you pretend it's no big deal and that you don't care) and other things are worth a small confrontation or fight so bigger ones don't happen later.

So prepare yourself, if the narc in your life has been good for awhile.  Know they are getting bored and are gearing up to either start a little chaos or big chaos.  You just never know which will be coming, so prepare for both, and protect your boundaries as best you can.

Good luck.

Sometimes I don't even want to blog about the things she does.  They are so predictable and normal for a narcissist that I find the idea of writing it down tedious.  Sometimes I just want to hide away (and I do) until it blows over and forget it even happened.  Not because I'm like her.  The incident will always be there and become a part of my daily stress.  But mainly because it's exhausting complaining about every damn thing she does.  It's like, duh.  I live with my narcissist mother.  She's going to act up and be a child and act like an asshole more days than not.  What did I expect?  That everyone would be smooth sailing as though she's normal?  Obviously not.  This is our new normal.  This is what it will be like forever until she's in a home or passes away.  So why do I run around sometimes thinking everything is normal when it's not?

The issue is that the opposite sucks big fat butts.  I usually wake up and stay in bed as long as I can do so I don't have to deal with the day (meaning dealing with her).  I know she'll be bitchy.  I know she'll be cruel.  And it will come to a head over a period of days until I get mad enough to say something, and then the cycle restarts with her being as sweet as pie all over again, until she decides to drop the other shoe and start being cruel and mean again.

It's a complete shit show some days.  Others, it's calm.

Take yesterday for example: she was fine all day, in a great mood (other than some jabs at the kids) and then she goes into her room, doesn't shut her door and lights up a cigarette.  She knows she can't smoke in the house (I don't care who's name is on the mortgage).  And even when she tricks me all day into thinking she's doing well, she goes and pulls something that makes me have to confront her about it.

And it's a big deal, confronting her.  She's erratic.  So any time you tell her she's wrong, or more so doing something wrong, she will threaten you or throw a fit.  So I lied to her and told her my son and hubby both have asthma (not exactly a lie, my son does and I think my hubby does, but he's not diagnosed yet).  I've told her a thousand times I'm allergic to smoke.  YET she doesn't give two shits about me.  So I thought I'd take her two golden children and let her know she's hurting THEM.  I am not sure if it worked, but so far, no smoking inside today.  But I am sure this will end with me having to say "DO NOT SMOKE IN THE HOUSE, PERIOD!"  And all hell will either break loose or she will just comply quietly.  You just never know which way it'll go.

So two days ago, my mother got on my case once again for her keys.  I took them away when the quarantine started because she thinks she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants and nobody is going to tell her what to do.  So I am like fuck that, and took her keys.  She wanted them back, promising not to leave, and then she got a really angry look and said "You're not giving them back, are you?"  I said "No.  You're not supposed to be driving."

See, I took her keys away years ago.  She drives so badly I fear not only for her life, but for the lives of those she either hits or causes to hit her.  She take risks, like turning out in front of speeding cars, driving 65 in a 40 quite regularly, swerves around cars without a blinker or without even looking really, and most of all, she can't stay in her lane.  She drifts into the left lane, whether it's oncoming traffic or a four lane and she's in the right lane.  She causes cars to either have to slam on their brakes or causes them to swerve into oncoming traffic.  She's going to kill someone (if not herself).  Years ago, she had a fit, over and over and over again about driving.  She told all our neighbors I stole her car and they all hated me for years (and still do) because of it.  Her doctor refused to take her license away.  They also refused to diagnose her with dementia, even though I knew she had it (turns out, had the docs just looked at her cat scan, it would have shown her vascular dementia).  And it all came to a head one day (you can read about this here) on the day I decided to go no contact.  I was done with it all.  I was going insane from her treatment of me (and of my oldest son), and I had to walk away before I ended up in the hospital.

But here's the deal: I shouldn't have given her keys back.  I washed my hands of it, mostly because I had zero support from her doctors.  But now?  Her neurologist said she's not supposed to drive (after I told her how badly she drives).  But she bothered me and bothered me, until I said fine, she could drive up to a mile away.  We lived on a small area, with WIDE lanes on our streets, so I let her.  To find out, she was going all over town!  So she's wondering why I don't believe her when she said "I just want to hold my keys, I promise I won't leave the house!"  She's like an ODD teenager who will say anything to get mommy and daddy to let her drive.  I said no.  I put my foot down.  I was being irresponsible by letting her drive both times before.  I was putting other people's lives in danger.  But this time, I refused to give into her whining.

She snapped a look at me and said "Do you want to drive my car?"  I said "Look."  She cut me off and repeated.  "I said let's be adults about this."  She said "Answer my question."  I was getting frustrated.  She repeated this line over and over and over until I said "Doesn't matter.  You aren't going to drive it."  She said "I'll stop paying on it."  I said "Okay.  I'll pay it."  She said, "No, they'll take my car back."  I said "Not if someone is paying on it."  I SHOULD have said "Oh, like you stopped paying on your life insurance and car insurance?"  But I didn't think of it.  Opportunity missed!  Oh well.  She started with the water works then and started screaming "EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS BEING TAKEN AWAY!  I HAVE NOTHING!  NOOOOTTTHHHIINNNNGGG!" and ran into her room and slammed the door.

Can we say a fourteen-year-old with emotional issues?  

Now, if she were normal in every other way, I'd feel bad for her.  But her reaction was out of pure selfishness and greed.  She doesn't care other people could get hurt (as I explained to her during this conversation).  She doesn't care if she crashes the only car we have right now.  She doesn't care if they take the car back and my hubby has no way to get to work.  She doesn't care about anything other than precious ability to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.  During this entire quarantine she's been acting like a baby and saying she's a prisoner and begging me to let her go to the store.  She's 73.  Has dementia.  Has a pacemaker and bad heart.  Has breathing issues.  Has diabetes.  Has all sorts of issues and thinks she's invincible.  Not only that, she could care less if she got sick and then got everyone in the house sick.  It's all about HER freedom.

She is the most selfish person I know and acts like a gigantic baby when she can't get what she wants (like literally stomps on the floor).  And this is what I chose to live with.

My apartment is still open with nobody living in it.  Hmmmm LMAO  Just kidding.  I'd never move back there unless we absolutely had to.  I will tough this out.  Because it's either that or ma goes in a home.  And she's not quite "home" material yet.  I want to love my mother and I do love her, but not as a mother.  I love her as a human who needs help.  I need to start seeing this as my job, not as my family, because she's never been my family.  Just my overlord.

*sigh*  Well, time to go get stuff done around the house.  And yell at her for smoking in the house, because god knows she'll try it again to see what she can get away with.  I just need to stop fearing getting into an argument with her.  I am not 17 anymore.  If she hits me again (like she did 15 years ago) for disagreeing with her, she'll go straight into a home and be labeled as violent.  So I don't need to fear her.  Even though deep down, I do.  But eventually I won't.  I just need to work on it.

If you're wondering why we moved in together, it was a necessity.  If our landlord (who's 85 and frail) died, we'd all be out on our asses.  So it was smarter to buy a house now before that happened.  It was her idea (though ours to begin with, but then we decided not to) and now she's acting like she'd being held hostage.

Oh the joys of quarantining with a narcissist.  I feel for you all out there who have to deal with your own narcs during this stay at home order.  I hope you're all finding ways to keep yourselves safe.

So yesterday my son was switching the doorknobs on his room and the bathroom, because his room's doorknob has a lock on it and the bathroom did not.  He just took it upon himself to get some screwdrivers and just do it himself without asking for help.  I thought that was pretty cool.  But of course, my  mother says "What are you even doing?"

He replies that he wants a lock on the bathroom door (this has been something he's wanted since we moved in, but yesterday he walked in on me using the toilet, so it cemented the fact we really need a lock on the door--it didn't bother me, but my son is super private and always has been).

So rather than just responding "Oh, okay" or some other benign normal answer, she says in an incredulous voice "What?  Who needs a lock on a bathroom door?  I mean, I don't need one."  Then she turns to me and asks in an equally annoying voice "Do you need a lock on the bathroom door?"

I didn't answer because inside I was seething.  Moving in with my mother has brought up all sorts of horrible memories from my childhood that she keeps triggering with her comments and actions.  So when she said this to my son and then turned it to me, all I could think about was as a child she had absolutely no respect for my privacy at all.  Growing up, the only door in our entire house that locked was my bathroom door.  I used that lock regularly because for some reason my mother thought it was acceptable to walk in on me taking a shower or going to the bathroom whenever she pleased.  And many times, if I locked the door, my mother would get a skewer and pop it into the lock to open it at her will.

We had glass shower doors with no shower curtain.  So I'd put up towels so I'd have my own makeshift curtain so whenever they'd come in, I'd have some privacy.  So what did my mother do?  She'd pick on me for doing so, as though I was being ridiculous.  She still to this day picks on me for it.  So when she started in on my son, I should have stood up to her and said something, but I didn't.  I just ignored her because my son was busy changing the doorknobs and also ignoring her.  I feel like I have to pick and choose my battles in our new house because otherwise I'll be yelling at her 24/7.
I'm also having trouble accessing my feelings other than this pervasive numbness that has taken over me since we started moving.  My mother is trying to control every little thing and I feel like I'm going crazy most days trying to find my happiness amidst her complaining and bitching and cruel words.

Thing is, she can be amazingly nice some days.  But I'm still numb on those days because I know it's short-lived and momentary.

The biggest issue I had with my mother repeating that she doesn't need a lock on the bathroom door (and let's be clear here, it's the boys' bathroom, she doesn't even use it) is that, like I said, growing up the bathroom door was the only door that locked in our house.  So, other than closets and under beds, that was my hiding place to keep my dad from beating me.  He would chase me around the house, screaming "WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!!"  He never did.  I could easily outrun a drunk who could barely stand, much less run.  So I needed that lock on the door for more than just privacy (which is important), I needed it for sheer survival.

And she knows privacy has always been important to me.  That's why she directed the question to me.  She wanted me to answer truthfully so she could pick on me.  That's who she is lately.  Living with her is proving to be a huge ordeal for me.

Here's the funniest part about all of us: her bathroom has a lock!  The door doesn't shut right, but it still has a workable lock for when the door is fixed.  AND she has a shower curtain.  Something I never had growing up.  I should put up a see-thru shower curtain for her and see how she likes it LOL  But I'm not like that.  I don't invade other people's privacy.  I respect it.  I know how it feels to be completely shamed for wanting it.  I don't get it.  I guess it gives her power to take away the privacy of others.  It's disgusting.

But now my kids have a lock on their bathroom door.  So I guess whatever she wanted to bitch about didn't matter, did it?

Whatever she wants to complain about, she can just keep on complaining, as it won't change how we live our lives.  If we want locks on our doors?  We'll have them (speaking of that, I need one on mine too, as she likes to open my door without knocking quite regularly).  If we want privacy in any way, shape or form?  She can say what she likes.  All we need to do is laugh and shake our heads and do what we want anyways.

And if she wants to know why my son wants a lock on his bathroom door?  I should flat out bring up the time she let a scuzzy repairman into the bathroom TO TAKE A PISS while he was taking a bath!  So yeah.  I wonder why feels like his privacy has been violated?  I would never trust her again if I were him.  And I don't trust her.  I never have and never will.  So we all need locks when we have narcs in the house.  On all our bedroom and bathroom doors.  Because if there's one thing a narcissist knows, it's invading our privacy and a need for control.

I hate living in fear.  It seems as though I always am, in one way or another.  When we first moved back here in 2018 (due to being homeless), it was torture.  My mental health took a nosedive and I felt like we were going to be stuck in that situation forever: no money, no car, under my mother's control.  Then we bought our own car and my hubby got a job, and things got slightly better.  Then he got a better job, we bought a better car, and then things were going even better.  Now he's going to college to get a degree in something that will bring us even more income.  More income means more freedom.  I've never known what it's like to be not poor for my entire adult life.  Except for once, where my husband worked 7 days a week for a year, from open to close...which put us in a position to get our son braces, pay our bills on time, and be able to afford what we needed.  BUT the gigantic tradeoff was him working 7 days a week.  It was awful.  Then his boss hired someone else and we went back to being poor again.  And of course we stopped being able to afford my son's braces payments and we had to have them removed.  Of course this was because my mother promised to help pay for them, but then said no at the last minute.  And then last year she promised to pay for our car payments, because we couldn't afford them.  But instead she went out and bought herself a new car (which was wayyyy to small for her, and now she regrets it).  She LOVES to promise things and pull out at the last minute.  It's her favorite hobby.

When my husband found his last job before this one, I started to find Buddhism.  Not has a religion, mind you.  But as a practice.  And all of a sudden all my anxiety started fading away and my stress dissolved.  But a year has passed, and my zen-ness faded away and now I feel stressed out and anxious again.  My body is feeling the pain, too, which always acts up when I feel mentally bad.

She is the cause for 99% of my stress.   Always has been.  Her comments.  Her digs.  Her schemes.  Her thinking she has control over my life.  I am stuck again afraid to stick up for myself because of the position we are in with her.  So I keep my mouth shut.  Which stresses me out even more.  I wish I could let her crap roll off my back like I do with my kids.  I think it's easy with my kids because I know them well, and I know they love me and I don't question what they will do next.  If we get into an argument, we will always end it with a hug and an "I'm sorry" and we'll truly mean it.  I don't get that with her.  She avoids ever bringing up her bad behavior again.  And I only ever once heard an "I'm sorry" from her (in 2006, the day after my birthday, two days after she slapped me in the face when she was drunk).  There is never any making up with her, only punishment or forgetting about it.  And I always fear the punishment.  Granted, there's not much she can do anymore to me.  So most of my issues are residual fear I am used to feeling.  Even if her punishment is just being mouthy, it still drives me up a wall, because I can't say anything back to her.  Being in charge of your own life gives you all the power back, but even if they are in charge of one little thing in your life?  Even if you are stripped of a tiny bit of power?  It can feel like everything.

I know she has no power over me.  Not really.  I just fear dealing with her when I stand up to her.



I am a strong-willed, mouthy person (when I need to be).  Yet, here I am, letting this woman steal my power.  And I don't know why.  She lives in my head 24/7.  And the only reason she feels she has control over me is because I let her.  If I stood up to her, she'd back down.  Eventually.  But I have a gigantic fear of confrontation with her (and with most people).  I don't with my kids or my hubby.  I feel safe with them.  But when I am in this kind of head space, a place of extreme stress (due to something we're dealing with right now), I find myself even more afraid to stand up to her.  And she takes huge advantage of that, too.  Which stresses me out even more.  And then I have SAD in the winter months, which compounds it all into a total mess.

Take today, I forgot to take out the garbage last night.  And today I am dreading seeing her or talking to her because she probably ended up doing it (or worse, she didn't) and now I'll never hear the end of it.  I know this is my issue.  Not hers.  I mean, she's the one bullying me and my family.  BUT I am the one handling it like a child.  It's so hard not to revert to childhood behavior when you've been doing it your whole life.  But this shall be what I will work on from here on out.  I can't keep letting her control the way I feel about my day to day life.  I can't give her prime real estate in my head anymore.  I need to find a way to take charge of myself.  It won't be easy.  But I have to do it.  For my own sanity.  Running away from her won't change how she treats me, it never has.  And I can't run away from her now (she's elderly and in need of care and I am the only one who can give it...whether you agree with my reasons for being in her life or not, it doesn't matter, because this is where I am at now and my choice is valid to me).  So instead of avoiding her or hiding out from her, I need to take her head on and inform her she can't treat me like this anymore.  And if she does, I will just raise my boundaries.  This is the advice I give online to people on my Facebook page, so why not take it myself?

I know I've probably said this many times before, about standing up to her.  And I have.  But I always fall back into this "little lost girl" syndrome again with her.  Esp. when I don't have control over my own life.  But now I do.  I need to remind myself of that as much as possible, because I forget.

So, I will start today by getting ready and getting shit done.  I've been in a stasis doing nothing at all for so long due to all this stress from the situation we're dealing with.  But it's out of my hands and I have no control over it, so I will just let it do what it's going to do without my stress.  Because stressing doesn't change it.

And stressing about her doesn't change her behavior either.  It just changes mine.  I need to be in control of my own reactions and my own behavior again.  Time to get back to mindfulness and my zen mode.  Because without it, I go crazy in a downward spiral of stress and depression.


What gets you into the right headspace in life?  What gives you peace and calm?  Share below to help others reading this find their own safe spaces.

When you have someone else in control of your life in any way, you have to make shitty choices in order to get out from under them.  Right now, we're overpaying WAY too much on a car in order to have our own transportation.  We have horrid credit because my hubby lost his job and we defaulted on all our bills (that were out of control because they had been building up due to our poverty...not making enough money to afford where we lived).  So we're stuck buying a car from a buy-here-pay-here place, that's charging around $3,000-$4000 OVER Kelly Blue Book price.  Geezus.

But it's the price we're paying in order to be able to have a car.  To have some freedom.  But that's what you have to do in order to have a semi-normal life.  At least some, even if only a tiny bit, sense of control over our own lives.

When you're stuck living with someone who wants to control every aspect of your life (and has the ability to) you also makes choices to have access to your own household items like a vacuum, pots and pans, and all the other little things in life that you need survive.  Because a narcissist will find a way to make your life horribly annoying (or unbearable) when you have to use their items.  When we moved back with my NM (partially due to this issue here), we had nothing.  Literally, nothing: no beds, no furniture, nothing to cook or eat with, nothing.  So what tiny little bit of money we did have, I spent at the Goodwill to get the most basic things possible: silverware, a $7 vacuum (that we still have and use a year and half later), two kitchen knives (one filet, one serrated), etc.  And at the Dollar Tree I bought four plates and four bowls and four cups (not all at once, we couldn't afford it).

We had to get the car I was talking about above (after my husband found a job) because my mother was actually trying to starve us.  She refused to let me use her car to go to the food pantry for food.  She knew we had nothing, and even less food, and told me I wasn't allowed to drive her car that far or for that long.  I had to sneak out and lie and say we were going to the doctor's office and instead go stop at the food pantry (which took hours, with her calling me asking where I was--I did not answer).  And when we came home with groceries, all hell broke loose.  But you have to do what you have to do.  And I couldn't flip out on her about it, because I wasn't in control of my own or family's fate--she was.  She could have called the landlord and had us kicked out immediately.  Or she may have stopped driving my husband to work, making him lose his job.  My mother is nothing if not vindictive.  She has the mind of a little kid who wants to get back at her siblings for stealing her diary.  And I couldn't stand up to her no matter what.  I couldn't risk my family being homeless, which was the situation we just came from.  So I had to suck in my words, my feelings, my thoughts and in my instincts, and just ignore it (which felt like torture at the time).

But when you live under someone else's control, that's what you have to do: tough it out.  Going gray rock works great emotionally, but when it comes to having some control over our own life, you have to start small and just keep on going until you get to the next step.  It's like climbing a gigantic mountain.  But even if you fall back sometimes, eventually, as long as you keep going forward, you'll get over that mountain. Toughing it out while trying to make your way in the world feels horrible, I know.  But it's what you have to do in order to actually take control back of your life.

So here we are, a year and half later after having to move back with my NM after we almost became homeless, and we're finally over that mountain, for the most part.  I tell you, it was an excruciating climb though.  That first six months we felt like we were staying at the base and not moving but an inch every day.  Hell, an inch a week!  But we've recently given back that shitty car to the dealership (it kept breaking down) and we bought our own car outright from someone else at the price it was actually worth (not that it's much nicer, but I hope it'll last and not keep breaking down).  We have all our own stuff and don't have to borrow anything from her anymore.  She no longer abuses us.  I do keep my distance because I am not fooled by her niceness (which is out of desperation on her part)--as I know if she could get something or someone better than me, she would and I'd be in the dog house again.  None of that matters though.  What matters is that my family is together and we are doing our best to get where we want to be in life someday.

Now, I know many of you are stuck with your abusers/NM's for years on end, and some of you are in the same house as them (we are luckily in an adjacent apartment).  My advice for you is the same: just keep on trucking.  Keep your goals in sight, whether it's to get out, or just be happy.  The one thing that helped me the most?  Was letting go of her opinion of me.  If she was in a bad mood, I didn't obsess over it anymore or take it personally.  I just laughed internally and walked away.  Finding my own peace was more important than trying to make it work between me and her.  Face it, our NM's are who the are, they aren't changing EVER.  So why react as though they are normal people who shouldn't act that way?  They aren't normal and they should and will act this way.  Always.  Don't get surprised when they act up.  Just roll your eyes and say "Here we go again" and walk away from it.  Or learn how to contain it if you can.  If you can't?   Don't even try.   I can talk my mom off a ledge sometimes.  But if she's not responding to my rational words, I walk away.

Her abuse of you is not your fault.  Remember that.  It's generational.  It's abuse handed down from generation to generation.  But try not to take her words or actions personally, even though I know, it is kinda personal (especially when they are attacking you personally).  Protect yourself and your family as best you can.  And dream for the future.  Because climbing that mountain will eventually come.  I promise.  Until then, work on YOU.  Practice self care, build boundaries, take "me" time or family time as much as you can (when I lived with her after my divorce before I met my hubby now my kids and I would leave the house constantly--I had my own car, so it was easy, but even if you don't have a car, you can go for walks or take a bus or even build a sanctuary in your home to escape dealing with their craziness).

“Events may be horrible or inescapable. Humans have always a choice - if not whether, then how, they may endure.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, The Curse of Chalion  

I hope your climb is short, but even if it's long, just endure as best you can.  And make the best of whatever tiny moments you can.  You can do this.  I did, even when I didn't think I could anymore, when my depression threatened to ruin it all.  But slowly, we did better, we got better, and life became better.  We learned crucial lessons during that time, things we are trying very hard to not let happen again.  But every bad situation is a learning experience.  Something you can share with others so they know they are not alone.  So share your survival stories (once you're on the other side), but also share your suffering.  Join a support group.  Do whatever you can to find support: support groups, understanding friends, church,  therapy.  And if they aren't supportive?  Find others who are.  Don't give up, there are good people out there.  And make a plan to make a better life once you're over that mountain and take baby steps to get there.  Because nothing stays the same forever.  Take comfort in that.  ❤❤❤❤

Haven't we all said at one point in our lives that "If we only had a manual..." when referring to parenting, being an adult, or even on how to deal with our narcissistic parents and others we come across in life?  Well, good news.

There is one!

It's a book that shows you the exact rules narcissists live by.  And by learning these rules, you can better protect yourself from their evil schemes, cruel games, and absolute power plays.  Stay one step ahead of the narcissist by learning everything they do, sometimes before they even do it.

It's called The 48 Laws of Power.  And within its pages is everything you need to know about how a narcissist thinks and why they do the things they do.  To a narc, everything is about power.  And the reason is why is because they feel completely and utterly powerless.  This is because they were born from and raised by at least one sociopathic narcissist.  They were taught at young age that they held no power at all and power was the only thing that mattered.  In the minds of a sociopath, a person who feels very little empathy (if any at all) and who doesn't know how to connect to other human beings normally, they learn quickly that manipulation is the only way to get what they want in life, even as children.  They are empty of real feelings and only feel true emotions in the moment something is happening (later they will retract anything they said and deny feelings if it suits them to do so).  Because of this emptiness, they feel horrible about themselves, deep down.  They believe whatever their narcissistic sociopathic parent told them about themselves (though we all tend to do this part).  And because of these feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, loneliness, and self-hatred, they resort to the only thing they know how to do: manipulate for power.

They believe (because they were taught this at a young age) "whoever had the most power wins".  So they always need the power for themselves, otherwise they start to feel worthless again.  It's a vicious cycle of hurting other people in order to feel good about themselves, with us being the victims of their internal power struggles (when really their games and manipulations have little to do with us and everything to do with the internal struggles going on inside their own heads).

These people are sociopaths/psychopaths.  The term "narcissism" is an explanation of how a sociopath or psychopath behaves (this is how I explain it to others, it's not a medical explanation--yet, as some psychologists agree with this and have written extensively about it).  And this book, The 48 Laws of Power explains how a sociopath/psychopath's brain thinks.  The author Robert Greene even thanks all the people in his life who have used these laws to hurt, torture, manipulate, and cause him pain over the years.  I would say that Robert Greene has dealt with some narcissists in his life, just as we have.  So this is written by a victim, for other victims to read and learn how to protect ourselves.  I am very grateful for having come across this book, as I am sure you will be too, after you read it.

Here are some excerpts:

Law #1

Never Outshine The Master

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior.  In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite--inspire fear and insecurity.  Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.


Now, this teaches us that if we have a boss or a parent (or anyone else) who is a narc, do not outshine them or else you will incur their wrath.  How many times has your mother put you down for something you did well?  Now you know why.  We incited mother's insecurity about herself, so therefore no matter what we do, it's never good enough.  Remember that when you start to feel bad about who you are or what you do.  You aren't the one who'd not good enough, it's her.  She feels that way about yourself, so she's dumping her internal struggled onto you.

Law #14

Pose As A Friend, Work As A Spy

Knowing about your rival is critical.  Use spies to gather valuable information that will help you a step ahead.  Better still: Play the spy yourself.  In polite social encounters, learn to probe.  Ask indirect questions to get people to reveal their weaknesses and intentions.  There is no occasion that is not an opportunity for artful spying. 

Well, we all know about flying monkeys, don't we?  Those people our mothers send over to our side to gather her information.  Or those strange questions our mothers ask in innocent ways that we can tell aren't innocent at all.  This law teaches us to never trust anyone who still has contact with the narcissist in our lives, even those who don't realize they're being used by those narcs to squeeze information from.

Law #12

Use Selective Honesty And Generosity To Disarm Your Victim

One sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones.  Open-hearted gestures of honesty and generosity will bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people.  Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will.  A timely gift--a Trojan horse--will serve the same purpose. 

How many times we gotten sucked back into their drama due to a warm-hearted talk, crocodile tears, or some reveal of personal information that "showed they are changing for the better"?  And then soon after, the cycle of manipulation starts over again.  Or they've shared something with us that makes us feel comfortable sharing something of our own back, and then soon after, they use it against us, sometimes in very horrible and damaging ways.  This law teaches us to not fall for the good times, as they are all just a manipulation to get on our good sides to hurt us.

Once, someone asked me "Do you think they do it on purpose?  Do you think they know they're doing it?"  My answer is what does it matter?  Some do, some don't, but they all do the same exact stuff, so who cares?


Intention does not make it worse and lack of intention does not make it better when the outcome is still the same. 



Being manipulated is never okay.  If you've read my blogs from the beginning, my mother has a friend that I used to be super close with.  Well, I felt we were super close, but I quickly learned that she was only my mother's actual friend and I was just someone she wanted to gossip about my  mother with (and in turn, tell my mother what I said).  She never realized she was doing anything wrong, as she has severe ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and aspergers.  She has to be told straight up to not share information, otherwise she will, thinking all information is public information.  She used to call me and talk my ear off for hours on end, but over the years I've ignored her calls enough that now when I answer, she asks me for what she wants and then quickly hangs up.  She is a sweet, innocent soul, who does not understand much of whatever is being discussed around her at any given moment.  Her lack of intention does not stop her manipulation from being harmful.  She gossips (it's literally the only thing she knows how to do) not be hurtful or mean, but as a way to communicate with others.  I had to distance myself from her because I do not gossip and do not want to be gossiped about.  I don't hate her, but it doesn't matter if she means or not, the outcome is still the same as though she is intentionally choosing to share my information with the world.  So I do not allow it to happen.  I have boundaries built with her that I keep to and I won't back down just because "she doesn't mean to hurt people".  It doesn't matter.


And that's what this book will help you to do: build boundaries by understanding that the narcissist in your life (my mother's bff is a reverse/inverted narcissist, btw, she ONLY has relationships with narcissists--explains why she doesn't treat me very well LOL).  But not only will it help you to see what you already know, it will help you understand that EVERYTHING they do is a manipulation, even if they don't mean it to be in the moment.  So always remember: intention doesn't matter when the outcome is the same.  Ask yourself before speaking to them: "Will what I say right now matter later?  Can they use this to hurt me?"  Do not ask yourself if they WOULD use it to hurt you, ask yourself if it WILL hurt you.  Because, like I said, even if they don't mean it in the moment as a manipulation, eventually it will become one, even if unintentionally.  So be careful with flying monkeys/spies and narcs, as everything you say will be held against you in the court of the law of power.

Stop giving away your power to narcissists by sharing info with them that they can use against you later.  

Hold your personal information as valuable items you need to protect.  Would you broadcast your social security number out for thieves to steal?  No?  So then treat all your personal info in the same way.

When in doubt?  Go back to Law #1.  Make it all about them.  Turn every single conversation into a conversation about them.  Only give short concise answers when you do have to talk about yourself and then bring it right back around to them.

So read the book, get to know what's going on in their heads, and use that info to make the best choices you can around other narcs (even coworkers, family members, etc.).  This book may change your life.


You can get your copy here.  This is an affiliate link, which means I get a tiny percentage of the sale (at no extra cost to you) which goes to help run this site and put a little food on our table when we need it.  I thank you in advance if you use my link to purchase the book.  You can also find it in your local library.  No matter how you get the book, just read it.  You won't be sorry.