Recently we all got the stomach flu (minus Mr. Brooks), and I still have no idea how it happened. Ever since life has been strange. I have severe anxiety, so ever since I was sick, my anxiety has been out of control. Then I found out I've been having esophageal spasms, something my mother gets and are horribly painful for her (she's on meds for it). For me, I have realized, it only happens when I eat something horribly hot, which makes it hard for me to swallow and scares the crap out of me, and on Friday I was eating horribly hot pizza. And because of the spasm, I pulled a muscle on the inside of my body in my chest, which has been giving me horrible anxiety for several more days because of the pain. Today, I finally feel better, even though I still have pain. My body is so freaking annoying sometimes. But exercise and keeping busy has gotten me through it. Because if I sit and dwell in it, it just gets worse.
On the mother front, yesterday she came to my door and asked if she could eat her leftover soup for dinner and I said go for it. I felt like trash so I was happy I didn't have to cook. But then, of course, she asked me "Can you make a grilled cheese?" I said "I can't, I feel really sick." She said "What?" So I said louder "I can't...I feel really sick!" She said "WHAT?" So I yelled it "I CAN'T, I FEEL REALLY SICK!!!" I know she can hear me. She could hear all the other stuff I said. So she made herself one. God knows what she put in it.
Then today, she said "I know you're out of practice, but what can I cook myself for dinner?" I just laughed and said "You're funny." She was trying to get my goat about not cooking for her for two days (she had her leftovers the night before that she warmed up on her own--something she makes a HUGE deal over whenever she has to do it herself). But tonight I made bacon & spinach mac and cheese (homemade) and she came into the room and said "Oh, that smells so good! Last night when I made my own grilled cheese, it didn't smell that good!" Again, trying to point out I didn't cook for her. I just ignore her when I cook because if I pay attention to her blabbering (and OH does she blabber on) I will cut myself, and for a moment I let my mind wander to her annoying me and BAM! I cut my damn thumb. Sigh.
She also let her cats out while I was cooking. Something I ask her to NOT do, especially since I just asked her a few days ago not to and she did anyways (they are insatiable for human food) and she did it again tonight. Both nights I said "You know I don't like them being out when I am cooking" and both nights she replied "I know!" and didn't remove them, making me have to wrangle them up and put them back in her room. Sigh. Next time I will say "So up them back into your room."
Today she also informed me she DOES NOT HAVE DIABETES! I said "Oh, so the meds you're on don't mean anything?" And she says "That's what scares me! I am on all these meds and I don't need them!" I said "That's like when you told me you don't need your blood pressure meds because your BP is so good so you need to get off your meds." She said "EXACTLY!!" I said "Ma, without your BP meds, your BP would be through the roof. And without your TWICE DAILY diabetes meds, your blood sugar would be through the roof! You were diagnosed with both diabetes and high blood pressure." Her reply was "Oh, and you believe those things, do you?" I laughed nervously and said "Well now we really know you actually have dementia because sometimes when you talk to me, you make zero sense. Like right now." She said "I am as healthy as a horse!" I said " A dead horse." She laughed. And that was the end of that.
Um. Okay.
She goes to see her doctor on Wednesday and I'm going to check her computer and see what she's been searching, because she's the type of person to lookup all sorts of crap and believe every little thing she reads and will fight me on stuff. She never wins, but still. I need to know what she's been up to and if she's planning on harming her physical health because of stuff she reads (I dole out her meds, but I do not know if she takes them--though I really do know she does as she had no idea what pill is what). Also, I recently caught her getting on FB and cyberstalking people so I am going to block Facebook from her browser, because she's trying to contact people she is not allowed to contact (like her dead husband's Goose's daughter, who went with her mother--Goose's ex, whom he hates, to pretend to be my mother when accepting a plaque for Goose who died from Agent Orange--my mother just stood by the sidelines and freaked the fuck out--yet now my crazy ass mother wants to contact her again, for what reason). I hate hate hate managing another human being like this as I shouldn't have to. But dementia can make you do crazy shit. As will narcissism. Add those two together and BAM! You got severe insanity. (But more on this later after I do it.)
And I do everything I can in order to stave off the crazy before it starts.
So she's asking for money again. Which is okay. I buy her everything she needs. But today she was having a fit about getting the "really tough scrubbies", which I do not buy. Not because I don't want to pay for them, but because I am turning my house into as much zero waste as possible. I have been doing this slowly for the last year and today I washed a huge amount of cloth napkins to replace my mother's napkin obsession (she really is addicted to buying napkins). I only buy super cheap scrubbies from the dollar store because they disintegrate, which is a good thing, if you're going to buy any in the first place. And they work perfectly fine for me. My mother states she simply "cannot wash the dishes properly!" with them. Which is total bullshit as she cannot wash dishes properly PERIOD, even with the expensive scrubbies. Today she also had a meltdown about the broiler drawer and how she needs a super scrubbie to wash it because it's "all black!". So I took a paper towel, got it wet and wiped the "blackness" off and BAM. That's all it needed. She saw that I did it and said "When I tell you these things it's because I WANT TO CLEAN IT! NOT YOU!" I said "I used a paper towel to clean it. That's all it needed. You could have easily done that yourself." She just glared at me and said "Well, you didn't clean the inside of it." I said we don't even use the broiler, but if she wants to clean it, have at it, as it's just dusty. She got all pissy about that, but oh well. I proved she's a liar (as usual) and only wanted to bitch about me not buying something for her. She even tried to get my husband to take her to the store to get some LOL I don't know why she thinks he's on her side, as he's never once shown that he is. He even threatened her once.
She was being HORRIBLE one day in 2020 (right after her surgery) and started to threaten to sell the house out from under us just to be controlling and an asshole, and he flipped out on her, stating that if she ever threatened that again we'd leave and throw her ass into a home so fast that she wouldn't even realize it had happened. There is only so much bullshit Mr. Brooks can take and while it will take a long time to get there, once he's there, there is no question as to what he's feeling. And I am surprised that my mother still likes him after that. But he's her golden child, so she promptly forgot about it.
Not me, I get punished every single day if I do one single thing she doesn't like (which is usually telling her to stop doing or saying something that's really bothersome, like when she screams for no reason).
But I've already said that a thousand times.
So, today (it is now Wednesday), I put a blocker on her browser to block her from going to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest (as well as the DMV--that way she can't re-up her driver's license without me knowing about it, something I will not permit her to do). And my son thinks I am being literally crazy for doing so. Like, mental crazy. But she uses social media (not very much, but sometimes) to stalk people and then to get obsessed with either talking to them again or talking about them to gossip to everyone she knows. Now, I get it. We all do that sometimes; we look up people on social media to see what they're up to. But if you had a crazy person in your life that you got rid of (a narcissist), would you want them cyberstalking you on social media? Would you want them knowing what you're up to? I mean, we all live in our little bubbles, thinking that just because we don't hear from said crazy person that they aren't bothering with us. But behind closed doors (and behind the wall of social media), they see us. They even make fake accounts just so they can see us, so blocking them doesn't usually work. And wouldn't it be nice if someone in their lives knew exactly what type of person they really are and did something to help us all out? Like, for one, blocking their access to social media in the first place? I like to think I am doing a service to humanity by doing so. You're all welcome. Just kidding, you probably do not know me and would not be affected by my mother stalking you. But just in case...you're welcome anyways.
Now, if my mother were younger or didn't have dementia (or had a higher IQ), she'd figure out what I did or use a different browser. But my mother isn't young and has dementia and has a very low IQ. So I can do these things without her knowledge. My son thinks that sounds crazy and controlling and sneaky. And I will say yes, it's all of two of those things, but it's not crazy. I am being controlling and sneaky, but that's not necessarily wrong. I am controlling because I have to be. I am protecting my family from her with the controlling things I do. If I didn't have to control every aspect of her life, I'd feel so much better. But if I don't, then she does crazy things and hurts us. Like, if I didn't listen to her phone calls with her BFF Christmas, I would have never known she was lying about me behind my back to her, stating I was holding her hostage and not even letting her go for walks or even go outside in the yard (all of which was not true, she was just being an asshole). And I found out that Christmas almost called the police for elder abuse!! How can I protect my family if I don't know what she's doing? I hate it. I hate every single second of my time being spent on her insanity. But if I do not check her emails periodically, or control what mail comes into the house (or what mail leaves the house), or put a freaking site blocker on her browser, then I cannot know how she's trying to hurt us. And she's always trying to hurt us.
My son can't see that, but eventually he will. These types of things I talk to him about many times until he understands. He doesn't understand if I didn't have to live this way, I wouldn't. But she lives in our house, so what can I do? I can't let her just go wild and do whatever she likes. I control the finances, the bill payments, the doctor's appointments, the everything, because I have to. If I didn't, then nobody would be safe. And I am so tired of not feeling safe because of her. I'm forty-four, and I lived for around forty-three years feeling unsafe with her. When I finally took my power back (which also meant taking ALL the power--only because my mother has two settings: all or nothing--she doesn't share power in the least, so if I give her a little, she will try to take it all) in 2020, it finally started to settle down. And while it's still crazy sometimes, it's sure a HELLUVA lot better than it was. And all because I am being controlling as hell.
I long for the day when I can relax and not have one thought about what the hell she's up to, because I will not care. When she's in a home, I will not care who she gossips to about me. I will not give two shits if she's cyberstalking people (just kidding, I will make sure her computer doesn't let her on Facebook either, if she even has her own computer). I will give a flying fuck or a flying squirrel or anything else that's flying about what she buys or anything else for that matter. I will only deal with her when I have to or want to and when I don't, I won't. I will be able to have my bedroom door open (I had it open the other day just like in the past, she walked right in) and be able to go brush my teeth without having to wait until she leaves the kitchen (I have to walk past her to get there--I only wait because if I don't, she will ask me for a hundred favors before I even get to the bathroom). I will be able to listen to LOUD music again. I will be able to put my stuff where I want it in the house without fearing some idiot will move it to where she wants it. I will be able to do whatever the hell I like, whenever I like to. AND I'll be able to leave my room without being worried she'll catch me and scream or ask me for something a thousand times. I won't feel like a prisoner anymore. Until then, I just blog and make art and write my memoirs and read good books and sew and watch Netflix (and all other streaming services--all of which I actually use) all from the privacy of my room or the basement (I can't fit my sewing machine in my room). And it's okay. I am getting stuff done for once in my life. And I am not spreading my creative messes all throughout the house. I am learning to be more organized, because I have to be, as I don't have the space to be messy (though it can still get messy when you have as many hobbies as I have). Soon, my kids and I will start weight training and I'll start dancing again (I have dance DVD's I can't wait to start using--in my basement, of course) and it will get even better because I will feel better physically, too.
Anyways, while I live with a crazy person that I have to manage, I can try to make the best of it. Because our future is up in the air right now. I can't 100% count on anything, but then again, who can? So until that all happens (moving and putting her in a home), I will do whatever I can to make the best out of what we actually have. Dealing with her behavior is easier when I am busy with actual things to do. It's when I am not that depression can set in. And the winter always makes me more depressed. And I can't battle that with meds (they either don't work for me, or I have horrible negative reactions to them), so I have to battle it with activity instead, for my body, mind, and soul.
So I use exercise, mindfulness, and keeping busy with projects (like starting my YouTube channel for art). Art always helps me feel better, so picking that back up again has been good for me. I just don't share these things with my mother, as my life is 100% none of her business anymore. It never was, but I didn't realize that back then and let her hurt me by either putting down my work or dismissing it all together. Now, she has no idea what I even do on a daily basis.
But that's what's been going on lately. And I keep my original mantra in my mind whenever I deal with her: she cannot give me more than she has. And that helps, too. Lately she's been super favoring my husband and ignoring me, which is hurtful and makes me sad and angry, but I realized she's actually giving me a gift. When she's ignoring me, she's not asking me for a thousand things or hurting me. So I instead take her silence and dwell in that blessed space where I am already living my best life. But then she'll open her mouth and remind me that I'm not. But for that period of time, I got to enjoy it, so ha! She thinks she's hurting me, which cracks me up. No, lady, I am #blessed when you are silent. So keep it up! LOL
Okay, that's enough. I must go finish a handmade journal I'm working on. I just got a new workspace yesterday and some new art supplies, so I need to go use them. Until next time. And I hope you're getting through the winter season with your sanity intact if you're dealing with a narcissist (or dealing with healing from their abuse).
Today I watched this really great video that helped me to understand my mother better. Even all these years later, I learn new things that can change my daily life and how I deal with the eventual BS that will always come up.
Here is that video (it's great!):
Covert Narcissists SECRET CrazyMaking Communication Weapon They Use To ABUSE - YouTube
So, she's been having these meltdowns lately. She's been on an upcycle, which means for my mother that she's bossy, crabby, irritated, and does shit she's not supposed to. She also pushes her boundaries with me and never listens to anything I ask her to do. Strange, right? To be so negative on an upcycle? But that's how she is. That's how they all are. On a downcycle, she's nice and quiet and never pushes her boundaries. She's even helpful.
Her mood cycles are driving me mad. I mean, they always have but I never lived with her before knowing she's a narcissist. So I never just how bad it gets.
The other day, I walked into the kitchen and she's having a fucking fit. Yay. I woke up to that. Lucky me. Apparently, her cat pissed all over the counters. Again. And she ruined a bunch of stuff. So she removed everything off the counter and started in on me. "Do you have any more of these wipes??" These were antibacterial hand wipes from the beginning of the pandemic when she could still drive.
I said exactly this: "No, we don't have those. But if you wash it down with soap and water, I have some spray I will spray on it after it's dry." It's Microban, bought for just this occasion. She doesn't know what kind it is, but I bought it and luckily it doesn't smell that much. I am very sensitive to cleaners, and she LOVES to use bleach. And I forbid her from using bleach in the house as a cleaner. And she's had several meltdowns over it. She also bought Lysol, which stinks and I can't stand it. So I took that away from her too. She has an obsession with antibacterial cleaners. OBSESSION. She always has. I think she's a germaphobe. But after this conversation, I don't actually think she is.
"(angry sigh) I USED to have my own spray, where is THAT?"
"(annoyed sigh) That stuff stinks."
"(angrier sigh) Oh good god!! Who cares? I NEED THIS TO BE CLEANED!!"
"Soap and water clean, mom. They will get rid of the germs."
"NO, I NEED MY CLEANER!"
"I don't think you understand how germs work. Soap and water remove germs."
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT GERMS! I CARE ABOUT IT BEING SANITIZED!"
Um. What? I was in the basement when she was yelling at me, as I was doing her laundry. And it was all I could do not to laugh at her. I know, that's mean, but this is not dementia, ladies and gentlemen. This is how she ALWAYS has acted my entire life. "Mom. Sanitization IS killing germs."
"I KNOW THAT!"
Sure she did. "Then what are you talking about, you weenie?" I laughed.
I then just walked away to my son's room and stayed in there until I stopped wanting to slap her in her angry little old lady face. I've only ever actually hit my mother once. It was in the spring of 2006. And she hit me first. And I hit her right back, because fuck that shit, I was in my late twenties, and she had no right hitting me. And all she could do was scream "YOU HIT YOUR MOTHER! YOU'RE CRAZY! THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG YOU, YOU PSYCHO!" while chasing me around to beat my ass. Um, she hit me first, for NO reason. I don't think I was the psycho in that scenario. But anyways, I never actually want to hit her. I just want to scream at her and break things. But I don't. I just vent and then I feel better and then I move on. Because what else is there? Be as abusive as she is? No thanks.
Then I came upstairs, and she was crying her big weepy tears. She was overwhelmed about the cat doing what she did, so I get it, but still. Why do I have to be the one who deals with her insane behavior? It's not like she makes up for it in any way. She doesn't even pretend apologize anymore. Rather than say she's sorry, she ignored me. So I went in and put on my coat and she immediately knocked on my door. Good grief.
"Can you *mumble mumble mumble*?"
"What?"
"Can you please pick up the bags of food on the steps because I am going to fall down the steps because your dogs are going to push me off the porch!"
Eye roll. I have two tiny bags of compost to go to the bin on the porch. And they are not in her way at all. "Sure. I will get them."
"WELL FINE, I GUESS I DON'T MATTER AND FUCK ME IF I FALL DOWN!!"
Oh, now diz bitch is getting crazy, I said it loud enough for her to hear me. She's just putting on a show for my husband. I opened the door and said "What?? I SAID yes, I'll get them."
She's still crying, by the way.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"
"Okay, so if you can't hear me, why did you assume I said no? Why would you think I would even say no? That's silly."
"*mumble mumble mumble sniff sniff*"
I walked past her and said "Well, we're going to the grocery store to get my kid some Powerade (because Gatorade is gross) since he has the flu now, too."
She ignores us.
So we walk to the door and she says "Don't get mad at me, but please pick up the better scrubbies for me to wash dishes with. I hate these snotrags you keep buying!!"
I said "Sure" knowing damn well I won't, and we left. I would buy better scrubbies but a) I don't want her washing dishes because she can't clean the dishes even with expensive scrubbies and b) the ones I buy are biodegradable, so c) she can fuck off. I'm growing luffa this summer so I can use those instead for washing dishes (though they take a year to cure, so it won't be until next year). I need a freaking dishwasher. UGH! (I am looking on FB Marketplace as we speak!)
So that was that for that day.
Then today, she was on my son's ass again, another upcycle day for her, and when she's like that, she's on my kid's ass about every little thing, mostly my oldest. So I taught him some comebacks to use on her instead of actually answering her probing questions. "When are you going to move those pickles??!" (we're fementing them) I told him to say "When are you going to move, grandma?? I'll move them when you move to the chicken coop." There is nothing better than a smartass answer to come back at her with, as she loves them. She will laugh and forget she's annoyed about something stupid. The other day she said "How about the next time you get up to get food, why don't you get up and get your dishes from the other room?" I wasn't there for that one. Had I been, well, she wouldn't have said it, as she doesn't say that kind of shit when I'm there. And he had a single bowl in the living room, that was it. She always acts like he's a freaking slob who eats too much, and he's not. But that's her modus operandi. Treat people you supposedly love like they're worth nothing. Because that's how she feels about herself. We need to move the fuck outta here ASAP so she doesn't damage my son's already damaged self-esteem. Anyways, I said he could say something like "I'll do that. But you also have to stop being such an old bitty!" Her favorite words are "old bitty". Which I guess is a cute way of saying bitch? I don't know. Sure fits, if it does mean that.
I could tell her outright to stop being such a nag to my kid, but he's almost 24. And he doesn't want me to. But she's going to say something at the wrong time in front of me, and I'm going to fucking snap and scream at her, and it's ALL going to come pouring out. Unlike her, when I snap, I yell, but I do not get violent or threaten. She does both. Well, not anymore. She used to. Until I snapped enough times at her about both of those things and she eventually quit.
Then the kids went to bed and I made dinner (they got up super early today) for my mom and me and she went out to smoke. Lately, she's been on a downcycle for around a month, and that means she will smoke outside and then go immediately into her room. Not today. She went into her room for about five seconds, came out, went to the toilet and then tried to come into the kitchen. I said "Nope. Turn around. You still stink like cigarettes."
"I WAS JUST GOING TO GET SOMETHING! GAWD!! WHATEVER!"
No. She. Was. Not. "Hey, it's not my fault, ma. I'm not the one who smokes in this house."
She slammed her door. About five minutes later, her dinner was done, and I called her to it. She knew it was almost done. She could have waited for whatever she was going to "get". But she's on an upswing/upcycle. Granny don't care about no boundaries when Granny feels good! She just wants to break all the rules and live in the fast lane! "Vroom vroom, bitches! I'm a badass!"
Why does her feeling good equate to her being abusive or mean and loud? And why does she have to feel bad in order to be nice to us and quiet? What the fuck is this, opposite world? Did I fall through a mirror house as a child and end up in the warped and cracked looking glass? What the hell is so wrong with humanity that SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE are sociopathic narcissists and act exactly the opposite of the way we're supposed to act as humans? I know it's hereditary, sociopathy. I know this. I see it everywhere. And the more these assholes breed, the more there will be. But is this what the world is coming to? Or is this what it's always been? I think it has. I think this is the human condition. We're supposed to be like those of us who have feelings and empathy and love. But too many of us don't. And that is why I refuse to make more friends until I can find the right way to find people who don't want to hurt me and my family (or their own family--I've been friends with WAY too many moms who want to hurt their kids--and all were dealt with, mostly).
I just want some peace. I know this upswing won't last long, because I won't put up with it. The moment I yell at her about something stupid she says, she will calm down. For a bit. But I am still in the market for getting our credit score up so we can find a house and move 'ol Granny into a home. Because this isn't healthy for any of us. Ugh. Especially not my oldest son. Or my youngest.
Okay, I am done running on about this for now. Just needed a place to vent the silliness that's been happening recently. I think I'm going to go watch some Alice in Wonderland. Maybe Netflix has it? Most likely. Later.
I was up all night, as was my husband. We could not sleep. Then at around 5 am, my oldest son comes into the room and has the stomach flu. Damn, I was really hoping he wouldn't get it. So far, my hubby hasn't gotten it and I hope that means he won't. After that, neither of us could sleep so we watched Friends until around 8 am, and then we both fell back asleep. Then we were awoken again, and I've been up ever since. I am wide awake, too.
Anyways, so yesterday, after my mother said she went onto Facebook and cyberstalked her two old stepdaughters (I say old because they have not had any contact with her since their father died, except once, when I sent the youngest to her house to get her father's ashes, which my mother just willingly handed over, strangely enough, thank goodness) I hadn't realized she was talking about other daughter when she was being insulting. See, my mom loves the youngest girl and hates the oldest. But what she said was "What happened to that sweet little girl she once was?" and I was confused, because I assumed she meant the youngest, as she's never once spoken about the oldest in that way. But then I saw the oldest's profile and saw what she was talking about. The oldest is a stripper now and proud of it. And her pictures leave little to the imagination. But she has bipolar and is severely mentally ill, which is why my mother hated her so much. So I still stand by what I said to her, that she was being judgmental and rude.
Then my kids got on my case about being "combative" with her. Sometimes I think my oldest son doesn't understand what boundaries mean. He thinks I should just let her do and say whatever she likes and ignore her. I said I normally do ignore her, but I will not stand for her idle gossip, nor will I stand for her being rude. See, me standing up to her makes him horribly uncomfortable. But just like me yelling at people in public (which is a joke between me and my kids--I used to get into yelling matches in public with people, but only because they'd start yelling at me first, it was this strange time in our lives filled with angry strangers, I have no idea why, and then all of a sudden, it just stopped), I taught him that sometimes you just have to speak up. And eventually, he understood. So, I have to teach him that boundaries are okay. And I am not being combative by enforcing them.
I never yelled at her. It takes a LOT for me to yell at anyone. And yesterday I almost did yell at her, after that whole screaming bit she was pulling (my youngest son said he got angry at that, too). But I didn't. You don't have to enforce boundaries by yelling, that's being combative. But saying plainly "I don't like when you do this" or some sort of sentence that indicates you don't want to hear what they are saying when they are being a certain way, is enough. If they don't stop, then you can add more, but boundaries are there for a reason.
Then my son said to me "You have arbitrary boundaries placed just on her, because if I said that stuff, then you wouldn't care." I said true. But they aren't arbitrary. If you said something about one of those girls, there is no bad blood between you all. There is no power dynamic. You were not their caretaker. My mother abused those girls. And neither of them never had a parent who loved them properly, especially not the older one. Well, she did, but he died. Also, you don't pretend you were the best caretaker they ever had. You don't lie about our lives with them. There are a thousand reasons I don't want my mother to talk shit about them, or anyone for that matter. She was an awful mother to me, and then an awful caretaker to those girls, and she has ZERO right to talk shit about them. Because she also talks the same shit about me, always has, always will. So I am not the right person to listen to her bullshit. That's my boundary with her. I have many, but only because she forces me to. I couldn't protect those kids back then, but I can now.
Then they said "Well, you didn't like her anyways." Meaning the oldest girl. No, I didn't always like her. But it was her behavior I didn't like, not her personally. My mother, on the other hand, was and is full of vitriol whenever her name is brought up (usually by her). But I didn't change my caretaking style for either of those girls based on my dislike of the one girl's behavior. She is severely mentally ill. And always has been since I first met her when she was around five or six. Then I watched her mother verbally and emotionally abuse her for it for her entire life. As well as their father. He was a better dad when he was with my mother, but only because they were teamed up against her (which she will deny because she didn't even notice).
Anyways, her being a stripper is nothing to be judgmental about. I grew up in a broken home with two horribly shitty parents, and my plan was to also become a stripper. Had I been this girl's age and not already had two kids? I would have most definitely been a stripper, too. Hell, I almost made a choice that would have ended me up in sexual slavery (it was an ad that I was planning on answering, and as it turns out, it was a lure to get young girls away from their families to force them into slavery). Who knows how my life would have turned out had I not had kids young? I would have been totally fucked. And my parents would not have bailed me out. I would have been stuck in that lifestyle whether I wanted it or not. Not all sex workers hate their jobs, but many do, and many got duped into doing it in the first place. Being a stripper is just step one towards being an escort. And this girl's mother used to prostitute herself out of their family home. So, what choice does he have in life with all of that stacked against her?
We all act like "We all have choices." The fuck we do. That's some privileged ass bullshit right there. Most people do not always have choices. And we all don't have the same choices. If you're poor? You don't have as many choices as everyone else. But if you're mentally ill? Holy crap, your choices are severely limited. If you came from a broken home? You have way less choices. If you were abused? Even less. Then you start adding these things together and that's when you have a perfect storm for all sorts of bullshit. "But I came from a broken home, and look at me, I'm doing fine!" Sure, but are you severely mentally ill? Were you abused? Are you poor? Were certain doors closed to you? Just because some of us got out of negative situations more unscathed doesn't mean everyone will. How freaking narcissistic is it to think that just because you came out okay means we all will?
Because that's how my mother thinks. And that's why I don't let her talk shit about those kids. Or anyone else for that matter. She's clueless and has zero empathy for anyone (unless you're her golden child, but that's not even real empathy). And that's where I built my boundaries with her. And even though my kids think it's wrong, I am blocking Facebook on her web browser, because she has no right to cyberstalk anyone on there. And I am scared she'll find me, too LOL But even if she did, then that's what she gets for snooping. But I hate her being judgmental. And that's all she uses Facebook for. She doesn't even have an account! Oh wait, let me check if she does. Okay, she doesn't.
So yes, my job now is to teach my kids about boundaries. And the easiest way to do that is with my mother. Because if I don't teach them, they will live their lives ignoring people who are hurting them. And I can't sit by and not at least try to help them not to let that happen. Once it does, it'll be too late. How can I tell them "Your girlfriend is being mean to you!" They won't listen. So, I need to start now, not later, when it's too late.
If my mother is here to teach me anything, it's how to help my kids not allow shitty people like her ruing their lives.
So that's something, right?
Good grief. First my mother got sick. Then she woke up the next day and still didn't feel good and wanted to sleep all day and then went to bed at 6pm. She couldn't sleep the night before from being sick, but we could not understand what was wrong with her as nobody comes to visit us and she doesn't leave the house.
Then I woke up at 6 am the next morning thinking I was hungry. I thought how strange that was, but as it turns out, I wasn't hungry at all. I was nauseous. And it only got worse and worse and worse until it was the worst I could ever remember feeling. Like, I felt like I was going out of my mind. I haven't vomited in around eighteen years. Can you believe it?? Crazy. Then, as it turns out, my youngest son was in his room, also vomiting. This was yesterday. And I felt so bad he was sick and I couldn't care for him, because I couldn't leave my bed. I didn't eat or drink anything all day, and neither did he. It really fucking sucked.
Now today, I just feel run down. I have POTS, and being dehydrated makes your POTS REALLY flare up, which made it so I couldn't even stand yesterday. Good think I never had to pee! LOL
So yesterday, my mother feels all better and it was like she was on some kind of motor, like a hyperactive three-year-old. Good grief. She would NOT shut up, bothering my husband every single time she left the room (he stayed home from work to take care of us). She never asked about me or cared, she just wanted to keep talking to my husband and even wanted to go the store with him so she could buy stuff to make for dinner. Um...nobody can eat dinner, why the hell did she want to cook? For herself and my husband? Ew.
She's such a fucking weirdo.
Let's not offer to cook, not even for just herself, on days I feel like shit, yet when I can still eat food. She knows when I don't feel well, but never once offers to cook for herself so I don't have to (I make her food earlier than we eat, because she goes to bed early). No, she wants to go to the grocery store when we have SHIT TONS of food in the house, when nobody else can eat. She just wants money to go shopping, because she is a shopping addict. On days I feel like shit, she just ignores me. She never even asks me if I am okay. This morning, she, for once, asked if I felt better, and I said I did. But then, without listening to me, she went on to talk about herself instead. It's like, she can act "motherly" to my husband and my youngest son when they're sick, and even to my oldest son to a point (even though she treats him like crap most days). But me? Naw. I'm her actual kid, but she just ignores me and honestly does not care one iota what's going on with me. The only thing I matter to her is to do things for her.
I did set the tone for that, though, in some sort of way, I guess. I get up in the morning to pee, and I am usually not fully awake yet. My brain hasn't caught to my body, and I don't want to have a stupid conversation with anyone. Meaning, with my mother. When we first moved in here, she would be on my ass the MOMENT my door would open (and in the very beginning, she even would open my door while I was sleeping to come in and bug me) to ask me to do something for her. "OH SHAY!" I would hear coming from her room as soon as I'd walk out. So much freaking fun having the bedroom next to hers. Ugh. She still does that sometimes but most days she ignores me. Which is I guess what I set the tone for, so I should not complain. And really, I'm not. Because I don't want her to bother me when I am sick. It just irks me when she does other shit on top of ignoring me. Like today.
I feel like crud today. WAY better than yesterday, thank goodness, but still, cruddy. And she knows this. But I am in there, standing up, making her dinner (standing is soooo hard when I am dehydrated), and she comes into the room and starts talking shit about her old stepdaughters.
If you don't know already, my mother got remarried to my friend's boyfriend (yes, you read that right) back in the middle 2000's, who then quickly died of cancer. He had two daughters who were my boys' ages and she had custody for a short time after their father died. She was the literal equivalent of a wicked stepmother. She was cruel and mean and horrible. And when she talks about those two girls, it just really, really bugs me to no end. She either paints the picture that she was the best stepmother ever, or she's talking shit about their mother, or she's now, talking shit about the girls. She said "What ever happened to that sweet little girl?" meaning the youngest. I said "Well, she's in her twenties, ma, she's not a little girl anymore." She replied "Well, some of the things she posted on there (meaning Facebook) isn't sweet at all!" she says in her haughty disapproving voice. I said "You're being judgmental." I didn't want to listen to her talk shit about another person.
The other day I heard her and her friend on the phone together because mother uses speakerphone and all her friend talks about is her tenants and how fat they are, and all my mom does is eat it up. She loves gossip the way my mother also loves coffee and sweets. She's addicted. Which is one reason she gets depressed living with me. I will not let her gossip in this house. And not being able to gossip deflates her.
Then she says "Did you know she's married to a black guy?" As though it's 1953 again. "Also, did you know their grandmother died?" I don't listen to her because she doesn't understand how Facebook works. The youngest is not married, their grandmother isn't dead, and there is nothing slutty (which was what she was insinuating) about any of the girl's pictures. Even if there was, so what? At 21, I had a baby and was married and was running my own household. But if I hadn't had kids? I'd still had been slutty looking. I was up until I had kids. I mean, I was cute, and I flaunted it. Young, skinny, and hot? That's what you do. It's a part of life. Being judged by a 75-year-old evil seahag would not phase a 21-year-old girl. I should has said "I am sure she would care so much what you think of her." But I didn't. Alas, opportunity missed. I was also going to say "I bet her wicked stepmother is why she turned out so bad" and then started laughing hysterically. But I didn't say that either.
So, I get on Facebook and see those pics she's talking about are ones generated with those Facebook chat overlay thingies. The kind that changes your face. Same goes for the grandma, who they put an angel overlay on as a joke (the woman is a horrid bitch, so I find that quite funny). She's not dead. But my mother doesn't get how these things work. So she thinks because this girl posted she was married, it means she was married. She's not. I know the family, it was just something she posted. And because she listed a different city she lives in on her profile, means to my mother that she obviously lives there now. And she doesn't. She never moved. But my mom thinks everything she reads online and in magazines are real. Which is why I have to "process" her magazines before she gets them, taking out all the ads or life insurance policy signup, etc. Otherwise, the woman will try to buy every single thing she sees.
So now, I am going to go into my mother's browser and block Facebook (if I can do that) so she can't go on there ever again and stalk people for no reason. I will do this for both her protection (because she gets confused) and for the privacy of people like my stepsisters, who do not need the old seahag checking up on them for any reason, whatsoever. I am protective of those girls, because they've had a super hard life and mother made it so much worse for them both. I wish I could go back in time and said to their dad "Let me take them instead, my mother isn't nice to them, and the girls know me better" and he would have let me. One time, he begged me to make my mom stop being mean to them. I said "If I had any control over how my mother treats people, I would have made her stop being mean to me first." When he got sick with cancer, I really should have stepped in and taken them. That's a regret of mine. But they are doing well now, I assume. I hope. At least they are grown now, and don't have to deal with my mother anymore. They have their own monsters to slay. They don't need another one.
Oh, yes, also, after I said she was being judgmental about the girls, my son took the cats and put them into her room so they wouldn't try to eat her food. She used to feed them, but she was killing her one cat with people food (he barfs it all up) and I put a stop to it earlier in 2021. Now she likes it when they are not there to bug her anymore. But today, she starts SCREAMING at the stop of her lungs "HE TOOK MY BABY!!!" I said "SHUSH! My head hurts, you know I don't feel good, please be quiet." So, what did she do? Of course. She screamed it again. I said "MA! I asked you to stop, my head hurts!" She lowered her octave, but was still being loud, and kept saying it over and over again. We both ignored her so she'd stop, but she didn't, so I said "You know, it's not funny when you say something a hundred times, it's only funny the first time you say it." So she yells in the same baby voice "It's still funny! It's still funny! It's still funny!"
Good. Fucking. Grief.
She's leading me up to one day when she's making noise that that I just scream "SHUT UP!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!" But that day isn't here yet, and hopefully I can decompress before that happens, because yelling is not fun for me.
Then I left the room and sat in a pile of cat piss.
Yay me.
Well, that was my day today. FUN! At least I am not barfing! I just wish those weren't my two choices: barf and get a rest from the crazy, or have to deal with the crazy. Sigh.
I'll leave you with this song, because I'm about to lose my mind, up in here, up in here. Just the chorus tho. The rest is kind of gangstery and while Train likes to brag he's go gangsta and he's so thug as a white boy, I, of course, I am not. I am more of a cross between a vanilla bean and a peanut butter cup. Tasty, yet a step above plain, with a little surprise in the middle if you bite too hard. But nothing crazy. Nothing DMXy.
I've come to see that I have this insatiable need to be right with my mother in my life. And that's where a huge part of my negative attitude comes from. I always feel I need to disagree with her for no reason. I always feel that I need to "prove her wrong" constantly. It's tiresome. And completely insane.
So I traced this back to where it started. And I clearly see that a) she does the same thing to me and always has, which is where I picked it up and b) when I am wrong about something, she will go out of her way to make me feel stupid. So it's equally just bad habit mixed with protecting myself from feeling stupid. And then I realized, her mother must have done the same thing to her, and she does it for the same reasons. I've said this part several times before, but my mother has a pretty low IQ. And her mother was a freaking genius. My grandfather had a low IQ also, which is why my grandmother chose him, so she could feel that she was always the smartest one in the relationship. Because having an intellectual equal is not as important as feeling superior when you're a narcissist.
So, my mother and her sister inherited Peepaw's brain capacity, and my uncle inherited Meemaw's. The funny part is that my uncle was not Meemaw's favorite though, he was Peepaw's. I don't think Meemaw had a favorite. Or if she did, I just don't know who it was. Anyways, I know that my Meemaw saw my mother has her rival, just as my mother sees me. Meemaw was always jealous of everything my mother did and would try to outdo her. When my mother took her wedding and engagement ring to go get it reset into a single ring, Meemaw went out and copied her the next day. The rings were almost identical. Whenever my mother did anything, Meemaw did it, too. They say that copying is the highest form of flattery, I don't think that person was dealing with a narcissist. Because intention matters. But then again, it also doesn't. If we could all let go of our personal hurt due to a narcissist's actions, none of us would be wounded or scarred. But that's some Don Miguel Ruiz shit right there. "Don't take anything personally". And he's right. Nothing our mothers do have anything to do with us at all. We are just the targets for their pain. They choose us because they can hurt us. The siblings they treat better they only treat better because it creates the dynamic they want in their life. They don't actually like them better. And they don't actually hate us. We are all just tools to them, like a carpenter with saws and hammers. We are not people to them, we are objects. And Meemaw treated her kids like objects, too, so my mother learned it from her. As yours learned it from their mother.
So I am going to actively practice letting my mother be right, even when she's wrong. Well, not when she's really wrong, but I am going to give up disagreeing with her about everything. I am going to just her be. Yesterday I pissed her off because she was out yelling for her cat again, and I told her to just leave him alone. It's freaking annoying how much she's obsessed with that cat. Like OBSESSED. She has many cats, too, but for some reason, that particular one is not just her favorite, but for real, he's her obsession. And he can't do anything without her obsessing over where he is, and why he's not in her room. He's HUGE, and she will manhandle the shit out of her him to carry him in there, when clearly he doesn't want to be. When she was in the rehab hospital in early 2021 for four months, that cat was FREE! He was a totally different cat! He was relaxed, he slept with the dogs, he was friendly to everyone, he was sooooo happy. Then she came back, and he went right back to hiding and being neurotic again, acting terrified of everything. Hmmm, I wonder why? But I can't stop her from obsessing over him, so I should just leave her be about it. Well, unless she's manhandling him. Because then either a) she hurts him or b) he hurts her.
But as for just disagreeing with her when she's wrong? It's useless. But the time I look up something to see if I am right, she's forgotten about it and never cares if I bring it back up. It's completely defeating. So, I just need to let her be wrong and find a good phrase to use, like she uses on us. "Oh, you think so?" That's her phrase she uses. It's so annoying. So, maybe I can use it back at her? Or find my own phrase to use. Like "Oh, that's nice." or "That's interesting." Or something like that. And just who cares if she's wrong. I can just let it go. And if she disagrees with me about something I say, I can still use the phrase. She is right sometimes, but even if she is, I don't need to feel attacked or angry or annoyed, I can just let it go. Because in my day-to-day life, this is the ONE thing that puts me in a shitty mood most days. And then there are those times, when I am feeling particularly saucy, that I will disagree with her when I know she's right, just to be annoying. Oh, now that's childish. But I do it when I am already annoyed with her just to make myself feel better. I need to stop that. Because it's just stupid.
Ever watch "Friends"? If so, did you see the one in season four where Ross does this thing with his hands, where he pounds his fists together and Monica says "Oh that's what Ross used to do when he wanted to give our parents the finger without actually giving them the finger". That's what I do now when I am frustrated with my mother. Oh, I still flip her off behind her back, but this I can do out in the open whenever I like. It's a very nice way to relieve irritation without being completely rude or hostile. And it's quite funny, go look it up if you haven't seen it yet.
In 2022, I've made plans for a lot of things to do this year. But how can I do any of them if I am still miserable living with my mother? I have put myself into my own prison, and I really need to work on getting myself out of it. I need to learn how to do deal with her properly. I learned how to deal with my ex back in the day when I had to actually deal with him. So, I can do it now, too. It's not as easy with my mother, as I live with her and didn't live with my ex when I finally figured it out. But I had put myself into a prison with him, too, and learned how to get myself out. I can do it again. And it will start by:
Today I have spent 95% of my day in bed. Yesterday, I thought that making my own pasta would be a good idea. It looks so easy when people make it on YouTube! Turns out, it kills my back, my neck, and my fingers. And today, I am paying for it.
Was it because of the pasta making? I don't know. I have been having an upsurge in my medical and mental issues lately (fibro, POTS, and anxiety). I even had a migraine the other day. Whereas in 2020, I could go for weeks with a migraine every single day, but in 2021, I barely had five the entire year! I got plenty of cervicogenic headaches, but my migraines took a hiatus. So far, I've had one this month, and hopefully it'll be my only one for a while. But as for the rest of my pain, it's all flared up and ready to go. Even typing this is freaking painful on my fingers. My neck hurts, my head hurts, my shoulders hurt, my legs hurt, and even my toes hurt. So dumb. But that's my life as an adult now. And unless I can cure myself of whatever this is, this is the way it is and the way it will be forever. And I'm okay with that. I don't like it, but I do use this time to catch up on great shows :)
Also, I've had several sleep attacks today, and fell asleep a few times. During shows I wanted to see, too! Ugh. Today my hubby and I watched "The Creepy Line" and I slept through a bit of it. I'll have to go back and watch it again later.
Today I woke up to my mother cutting her own hair again. Goodness gracious. It's like having a five year old get ahold of the scissors. When she first started doing this, she'd go ham on her hair and not let me fix it. I, am a hairdresser and have been for many years. Yes, I am self-taught, but I've been doing it for so many years, I am quite good at it. But rather than asking me to do it, she just gets out some kitchen scissors and takes to her head. Finally, she now allows me to fix it, so I woke up, feeling like total shit today, and she starts yelling, sounding like her head is in a can. So I ran in there and she's yelling "You need to help me fix this!" I just giggled and used the toilet and then went in and fixed her hair. She said "My scissors are getting dull, I need new ones!" I laughed said "You don't need any scissors! Just let me do it." She laughed and I cut her hair and now she looks pretty okay. Though she does look a ton better than before, as her hair was getting unruly and too long.
I didn't find that annoying or anything, she was happy with her haircut, so it turned out okay. Even though I felt gross. But it wasn't until after lunch I started feeling my worst. Sometimes after I eat my symptoms get way worse, and I don't know why.
I did make her dinner (literally took me all of seven minutes--I get frozen pre-cooked mesquite chicken breasts which I microwaved, made her instant mashed potatoes, and quick cooked some frozen veggies in water on the stove--one of the fastest meals to make). But most of the day I've been in bed, watching a Netflix comedy show called "The Standups". I am a huge comedy fan and laughter is supposedly good medicine. But it didn't work, but at least it was funny. Well, all except Mark Normand. He was utterly terrible. Fat jokes are not only so 1980's, but his jokes weren't even funny. Then he switched to sex jokes that weren't funny either. How did this guy even get on this show? Even the audience shared my sentiment and hardly laughed. I had to turn it off at about 5 minutes and 44 seconds in. I didn't want to waste my time anymore. Then Janelle James came on and she killed it. Thank goodness. I needed some laughter to wash out the taste of the ick that Mark left in it. Um...that sounded grosser than it should. Ew. But you get it. "You made a bad joke, Petey!" (Fantastic Mr. Fox reference--something we say in our house every time someone does something bad LOL)
So I am waiting for my kids to go get dinner, as I can't cook, because that sounds like torture right now. And I need to stop typing, as my fingers are aching. Well, time to go watch something interesting. I may venture out into the living room to watch Apple TV+ (since my TV doesn't get it, dumbass TV). Or my kids may want to watch something with me, and they hate laying my bed, as they are grown men and we all don't really fit anymore LOL Long gone are the days of my tiny babies watching Golden Girls or Star Trek with me in my bed. Though we still watch Star Trek, but just in the living room instead :)
Time to take some Tylenol. Yay!
Oh, also, I don't think we'll move by this summer, unless we find somewhere perfect, and our credit scores are up. But it will be soon. Purging the basement sucks, as I keep getting overheated and feeling gross. But I will keep doing it, little by little.
Not like right away, but soon. I am aiming for this summer. It's January, a year ago mother was in a home for four months in short-term physical rehab. So, if she were to go into a home now, we'd have around five months to find a house, so I am not too worried. But I am worried about our credit score issues and our money issues. I have enough money to pay off all our debt. But, if I spend all of it, we won't have anything for a down payment. So, we're screwed.
Well, not completely.
Here's the deal: ma bough this house back in April of 2020, right when lockdown started. It was a good thing for us, because if there had been no lockdown, ma would have went around and got herself sick, and in turn, got us sick. So, having our state in lockdown was the best thing that could have happened for us. It kept my family safe. Also, moving helped too. Because if we didn't move, then she wouldn't have listened to me about not going out. And still, we'd all have been sick.
Now, ma's dementia is getting worse and we have a choice: we can live with her for five more years and not put her in a home or just wait and see, and then lose the house. I talked to both the mortgage company today and an estate lawyer, and the first told me to call the second and the second said "You're fucked." Sigh.
Naw, he didn't use those words, but he did basically say that sentiment. We cannot buy this house. If we do, we have to live with her for five more years and keep her here. And the longer we wait, to work on our credit, the longer the five years will start. Soooooo.....yeah, totally not going to put myself, or the rest of my family, through that torture. Plus, in five years, she will need nursing care I cannot provide. The only reasons someone keeps their parent out of a nursing home to stay at home with them are:
Which means I am not putting myself, or my family, through another five years of living like prisoners in our own home. No way, Chipotle.
And besides, I really, really don't like this house. I mean, I could have made it better. I would have. I had plans. Lots of plans. But not anymore. Now I have to look forward and really take 2022 by the balls and GET SHIT DONE. I need to purge all the stuff I don't want to take to move and really, really work on both our credit scores (though mostly my hubby's) AND work on building up our savings like mad.
Come April, hubby is up for a job change (his job allows their employees to move up in their job once a year) and he's applying for this job with a HUGE raise, which will help us do both. But at the same time, my job is to also push to make as much money as possible for our credit scores, debt, and our savings. And we need to do it all FAST. Because this summer is only six months away. We can wait until fall instead, but not winter. We need to get out of here before then. Why? I don't know. I just don't like waiting LOL
But again, unless she goes into a home for any reason this year, I am not in a HUGE rush. Though I really, really would love to be in a different home as soon as we can, just so we can feel like we're not teetering over an edge, waiting to fall.
But now I have got my answers and we can stop living in our heads about this, thinking of "what ifs" and instead, we now have actual facts. We cannot buy this house from her, we cannot transfer the house into our names, even if I was declared disabled it wouldn't matter, and we need to find a new place to live. Ugh. I really hate feeling like anything could happen, because in the past, the worst did happen, and we became homeless and lost everything we owned. I feel nervous and anxious right now, but at the same time, I feel energized to know I have a future goal I am working towards. That what I am doing is just not for some random possible idea, but now a concrete goal of moving forward. Deep breathe *cough* (I hate allergies LOL).
Just keep deep breathing, and purge, purge, purge. And make time to make a boatload of money LOL Okay, we'll see if I can actually make a boatload, but just enough to pay some debts will be nice. But the extra is always welcome :)
3...2...1....Go!
Welcome to Healing From Her.
I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you're probably the child of one, too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.
