Last night, my therapist says I can have a relationship with my mother, I just have to set boundaries.

Like, if she gets condescending or crappy, just hang up on her.

I told her though "every word she says is laced with lies and condescension, I can't really hang up on her every moment we speak." 

She said "Just set boundaries." 

I said "But you don't understand.  This will take years of not talking to her at all so I can heal first.  I cannot heal if I have any conversation with her at all.  If she makes me angry to hang up on her, then I will be angry again, and not healing.  I need no contact with her." 

She said yes, but when I am ready......

But, will I ever be ready?  Nothing she says to me ever again will feel "normal".  I can't trust her.  I can't believe her.  I can't listen to her speak without taking each word and picking it apart for lies and condescension. 

So, my ultimate question is: who does it benefit to have a relationship with her? 

Who does it benefit?  Me?  Not in the least.  Her?  Yes. 

So even if I don't talk to her for years, what will having a relationship with her do for me in the future?  Will she "be my mother?"  Will she fulfill that role?   No, never.  She will never ever fulfill that role for me.

So what, then?  Why would I want my mother in my life if she can't be my mother?

Maybe one day I can see her as an acquaintance or something similar, but right now, I am still mourning the loss of a mother. 

I am still angry.  I am still in shock.  I am still sad. 

And I will be for a very long time.

And having any kind of relationship with her in the future will only benefit her and relationships are supposed to be 2-way streets and I don't play that way anymore.  I used to sit and let people walk all over me, but for the past few years, I've learned to stand my ground and speak my mind.  And with her, it will be no different. 

Even if she thinks she's my mother.  

UPDATE 2021: I don't have a relationship with her.  I do live with her, but I refuse to infuse myself with her in the least.  And I was absolutely right about everything I said above.  100%.

A Big Bag of Nuts, Narcissist in a Nutshell (Part 1)

July 20, 2013 at 11:52am

The research is still up in the air, is NPD an inherent trait, a product from childhood, or both.  NPD is a personality disorder that is usually symbolized by a man or woman looking in the mirror.  If you ask someone who has never intimately known a narcissist, they may say someone who possesses an extreme amount of self-love.  Ironically, the Narc wants you to believe they are confident and love who they are.  Totally not the case.   The DSM V lists the following as criteria for being diagnosed as NPD.

1.  Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal inflated or deflated, or vacillating between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.
2. Self-direction: Goal setting based on gaining approval from others; personal standards unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.
3. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.
4. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain.
5.  Grandiosity (an aspect of Antagonism): Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescension toward others.
6. Attention seeking (an aspect of Antagonism): Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

The narcissist lives in the land of pretend.  They are in a permanent identity crisis.  The root cause has not been identified, however, I suspect nurture with the propensity to be NPD from nature.  They constantly stay in their “safe place” where they don’t have to face the truth. The stay in a permanent identity crisis, they have no clue who they really are.  They boast about themselves, but on the inside they are insecure as hell.  The only thing that matters is the reflection and attention shone on them by others.  Everyone is a mirror. They want attention 24/7 and will compulsively compete against anyone, including a baby, to get it.  Their feelings and rights are all that matter.  They want the respect, honor, courtesy, gratitude, credit, encouragement, love, cheer, trust, apologies, sympathy, fidelity and admiration.  However, they give back nothing.   They deny everyone around them the right to be a human being.  They get it all and everyone else gets none.  Compare them to a drug addict trying to get a fix.  I dare you to go take the last bit of heroin from someone who has no money to get more.  I probably won’t hear from you again.  Instead of heroin, the narcissist’s drug is attention.  They will do anything, so they get it all and you get nada.

 Beyond anything you ever imagined they have ill will towards people who are not even a threat to them.   They are hostile and bitter towards everyone, including children.   For example, imagine if you thought of everyone in the world like you do your ex.  That is what they feel.  They have an unwarranted hatred towards everyone. They want to feel like God, superior to all beings.  They can only feel like this if everyone is beneath them.  No one can threaten their superiority. Do they believe their own lies?  They not only believe them, they are living one big lie.   It is one big illusion.  They must always be greater, cuter, smarter, more popular, etc.  That is why their life is so hectic. It is a constant race to get what they want from those who have it.  They are envious of everyone but pretend everyone is envious of them.

The narcissist lives in constant fear of being exposed.  They would rather die than face their inner self.  If you were that sick would you want people to know?   People ask all the time if they are the narc.  They give unjustified reasons why they think it might be them, usually because they were made to feel that way by the narc.  That is how it’s pretty easy to comfort their fears.  Narcs don’t look inward.  They don’t face the demons in their non-existent soul.  They avoid being alone most of the time to deter facing the truth.  Self-reflection is healthy and usually happens in solitude.  A Narc refuses to self-reflect so they must keep their mind busy all the time. Too much time alone and bored may mean that little voice in their head talks to them.  They don’t want to hear it ever.  For example, when I left my Narc, he spent every day and night in a casino gambling.  Since he didn’t have a new target yet, this prevented him from facing himself.

A narcissist has no shame and no guilt.  They will bring down a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, coworker, or friend anytime anywhere.  They don’t even have to be provoked.  If that person has something they want they will say or do anything to get what they want.  Their need to believe they are God supersedes their conscience. (If they even have one) They believe they are superior.  Everyone is insignificant in their eyes; similar to if we pour poison on an ant pile and never think twice about it.  Unless you are idolizing them, making them feel superior, they have no need for you.   It’s easy for them.  All they need is their big mouth and evil ideas.  They will do this without a second thought because it is all about their script in life and what they want.
In short, they are predators.  They want it all and will never settle for not getting it.

Manipulating people is what they do best.   Type on your keyboard, walk to the kitchen, ride a bike, I’d bet you are not constantly thinking about what you are doing.  You are not saying in your head, “pick up foot, bend knee, lean forward, put foot down, etc.”  This is a natural learning.  Manipulation is natural learning for Narcs.  That is why they are so good at it.  Anyone can learn how to do what they do if they want to be evil but they will never be as good at it.  How did they get so good?  Practice, Practice, Practice.  They have been practicing since birth.  They subtly control your mind.   They are so good at it they can fool psychiatrists and pass lie detector tests.  Nothing is the truth, all a big show in their game of pretend.   The only thing altered is fine tuning the manipulation to each person they encounter.   They watch everything you do, listen to every word you say and mold their manipulation to you.  They are interested in your reactions, not you.  They could care less about half the things you tell them, it’s filtered out.

You might think, wow they are smarter than I thought. Um no.  My ex was a dumbass.   Just like walking, manipulation doesn’t take a genius.   Observant and perceptive, maybe, but they don’t have to have an IQ of 120 to do this.  It is how they have survived all this time.  

My delusional self almost wants to believe that narcissism is one big secret.  Considering that 1 in 25/28 people are Narcissists, how in the world have so many of us never heard this exists.  Smart, educated people, fooled by them, partly because we had no clue.  I am fairly sure you have told someone you were involved with a narcissist and you got the, “Dang you’re bat shit crazy” look.   This is why we need to get the word out, educate the public, and hopefully change their attitudes.  I don’t know about you, but having these people in positions of authority scares the hell out of me.  Luckily, predators can be scared away fairly easy, if you know they are predators.  If the second they take a step towards you they see you are wary, they will move on to an easier prey.  That is why we need to educate so no one will be “easy prey” and they can’t take advantage of anyone, thus preventing them from ruining the lives of everyone they come in contact with.   This is real and it’s spooky, and if I wouldn’t know any better, I’d think they were dropped here from another planet.

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too"