Healing From Her

So BM (from previous posts) has been on my mom's shit list again as of the last few days. And my mom said to her childhood friend "I think BM is jealous of my daughter." She said my name rather than "my daughter", though.

That's the first true thing that has ever come out of my mother's mouth LOL BM is CONSTANTLY trying to drive a wedge between me and my mom (and my son and my mom) by telling her bullshit lies that supposedly my son and I had said about my mother to get her mad at us. She's manipulating her so SHE can be her daughter...she already calls her "Ma". Can you believe that? And my mother allows it!

I just find it funny that my mom said that out loud. I mean, she will deny she ever did, but she did LOL And that counts! hahaha I told my mom a few months ago when all that shit went down with my mom lying about my children not having friends and not knowing math, etc. that BM was doing this shit on purpose. She denied it, but now that BM is her scapegoat again, it's legit.

Oh, the fun hilly road of living with a narc in your life. Yay.

But at least we know BM is jealous of me LMAO And when BM is on her shitlist, she will go out of her way to make her feel like shit in front of me. Which I find totally rude, but I also don't want her to turn her anger around on me, so I stay quiet. It's not right, but then again, neither is BM.

So, what can you do?

Today I was discussing respecting people's privacy with my 17 year old son. I told him how my mother would wait till I was at school to go in and throw all my stuff away.

"But mom, if you cleaned my room without asking, I'd be happy!" he replied.

"Yes, but my mom knew I valued my privacy. She also didn't just clean my room to clean it, she did it to get dirt on me. She'd find things in my room to keep."

"Ahh yes, so she could use it against you at another time."

"Exactly. Because that's how my mom worked. And yet she didn't understand why I valued my privacy so much."

Then I remembered the time she went through my book bag and found a note I had written to a friend. I think it was like 4th grade. We thought the idea of changing sexes was silly, so I wrote my friend a note that said I used to be a boy, but I got my penis cut off. My friend and I giggled about this and thought it was hilarious. Mind you, this was the 80's, things like that were not seen as the norm. Kids today may still joke about things like that, but at least they understand that it actually happens and at least my children know it something people actually do. Back then, the idea was unimaginable.

But my friend and I didn't even know it happened in real life, so it was just hilarious to think about. But my mom found this note, and hid it up in a special place in the kitchen and waited.

"Look what I found," she said, holding the note.

Uh oh.

"Do you know how sick and perverted this is? People are going to think you're disgusting if they found this. It's dirty and gross and sickening! Is this what you tell people? Do people really think this about you?"

Can you tell my mom is not too bright? This is the same woman who thought masturbation is what caused her miscarriage, that people who masturbated couldn't have children. Kind of sad, if you really think about it: a grown woman believing these things.

"No, mom, it's just a joke."

"Well it's not funny. Its disgusting. And you're disgusting for writing such things! How dare you??! Do you want people think you're as gross as this note says?"

Memories such as this are not pleasant to remember. They still hurt when I think about them. To think my mother shamed the holy shit out of me for, once again, being a pervert. She said the same types of things to me when I found my father's dirty books in his closet and read them. I was 12. Sexuality or anything of the sort was something to be ashamed of. Something to be embarrassed of, something to hide. She called me sick when I was a little girl and peeked at my parents having sex. Granted, it was pitch black dark and I didn't see anything, but she saw me in the doorway, got up and said "Are you the type of person who wants to see things like that? That's disgusting!" I was like 3 or 4, or possibly even 5. Who talks to a kid that way?

The more I think about her and talk to her, the more I realize she has no common sense, and is quite stupid. I don't mean "name calling" stupid, I mean honestly stupid. Like she has an extremely low IQ. And when others feed her lines of bullshit, like her parents, she believes them. And then passed them on to me. LUCKILY I was adopted, so I didn't get her brains, although her mother was brilliant, but my grandfather also had a very low IQ. She must have got it from him. No wonder my grandmother treated my mother badly....she treated my grandpa the same way. Anyone dumber than her, was, well, dumb. My mom's brother inherited his mother's brains (he's also a narcissist). I think my aunt is also dumb...today my mother just told me that after my aunt's husband died, she didn't even know how to put gas in a car. She honestly had no idea. I guess she was safe letting him do all the thinking for her.

I have one memory that sticks out of my aunt: she was staying with us in her camper outside when I was like 13 and came in with her face dripping wet. "What's that?" I asked. "Oh if you spritz you face with seltzer water and let it air dry, it's soooooo good for your skin!!" After that night I no longer thought of her as my favorite aunt...I just thought she was an idiot.

She also sent her granddaughter "Eat This Not That" for Christmas, because she thought she was "getting pudgy". I wanted to tell her how rude that was and I hoped the young girl knew she wasn't pudgy, and that her grandma was a fucking idiot, but I didn't say a word. In our family we're bred to keep our mouths shut.

But that memory of my mother calling me names and shaming for writing such a innocent note, something I had no idea about, I was a kid, makes me so angry. Every memory I have of her is of her being a shitty mother. And I have no idea how I will ever deal with all this anger inside of me. I mean, it's not a raging ocean or anything, it's just buried crap that I can't confront her about. I love my mother as a person.....but I don't even think of her as a mother. She's just a lady who lives down the street that I humor so she can keep happy as she descends into dementia, just like the rest of her family. She is my responsibility, but I owe her nothing. It took me 12 years after my father's death to heal from his abuse, how long will it take me to heal from hers....which I consider way worse??

Who knows. But I am working on it. I am working on it.

Hollywood gets it right more often than they realize.

I have always really really loved the movie Coraline. And as a child, Labyrinth.

Granted, I am in love with fantasy movies, but there is something else with these two movies that really speak to me and keep me enthralled, even after watching them 100 times.

And now I finally get it.

I've been journaling in my journal that has been my place to put my private thoughts about my journey with my mother and her narcissism and I figured it out: she is both Jareth the Goblin King and Coraline's "Other Mother".

Here is how both Jareth and the Other Mother are total narcs:

Jareth:

Lies to Sarah, tells her "if you do what I want, I'll give you what you want".
Keeps her in a maze of confusion (left is right, up is down).
Sarah's entire adventure with Jareth is one riddle after another, usually with nonsensical answers that only are made to aid Jareth in confusing her more.
Sarah's adventure is also filled with uncertainty, and a time-constraint. My mother loves these games: "Do this in this period of time, OR ELSE, all because I said so!"
Jareth punished Sarah for words she only spoke out of frustration, and then played a "cat and mouse" game in order for her win his approval (meaning him rewarding her with giving her brother back).
Jareth's punishment was really just a game he was playing, but made Sarah think it was her fault (another part of the game) and did everything he could to make her fail.

The Other Mother:

She lures Coraline in by pretending she's a good mother. This is how narc mothers get you back every time you leave.
She will gives her what she wants and pretend to love Coraline, but just like real narc mothers, in the end, there's always a catch.
Coraline soon starts to see that her world isn't as real as she claims it to be. All the "grand loveliness" is just a game to trick trick her to stay.
When Coraline denies her, she flies into a narcissistic rage.
The world becomes insanity when the Other Mother is in her rage. Nothings seems real anymore. Everything becomes a game of hiding and not letting her find you.
Just like Jareth, the Other Mother takes what Coraline loves most as a punishment. Narcs have no boundaries, so they will continue to hurt you until you bend to their will or until they have something else to concentrate on.
And just like Jareth, there is a time-frame in which Coraline must complete the OM's tasks in order to get back what is rightfully hers.
Both Jareth and the Other Mother are content in seeing the girls fail. And both act from a seflish place of rage, never for the girls' benefits or well-being. Both put other people in danger just so the girls would listen to them. It's a game of control. Just like all narcs.

As I analyzed these movies, it became apparent as to why Coraline is one of my favorites and why Labyrinth was back in the day: the girls won against the narcs. They won and banished the narcs to oblivion (or back to their realms).

What movies do you find in your life that you keep coming back to over and over again? Do you see any correlation between them and your own lives?

Do you know any other movies that portray maternal narcissism (other than Mommie Dearest...which is blatant LOL)?

Drop me a line below and let me know.

So, yesterday was a TREMENDOUS amazing step in the right direction, away from the tyranny known as "my mother". She's always using her car or money as a way to control my family, and now we don't need either one :)

Because yesterday?

WE BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!!!

Score!! This is perhaps the best idea we've had in a long and now we'll not have to feel it's necessary to put up with her insane bullshit just so we can get places. Now she can drive her DAMN SELF to all of her doctor's appointments, because when I do it, she's acts like an asshole to me (or my son) OR she thinks SHE'S going to drive and tries to kill us.

So yes, one step forward, my friends! One step at a time, that's all it takes.

I feel freer than I have in YEARS!

YAY!!

This is the question that begs to be asked: who are we without our mothers?

More than likely, if you have a narc mom, then you have either a narc dad OR you have an enabling father, also known in the maternal narc world as an EF.

These fathers normally support our mothers with fervor, as they do them (when it suits them). Both my parents were abusive, and both were enablers of one another. I very much feel like an orphan. I have no parents. No real ones, anyways.

So who am I without my mother?

If you would have asked me that a few years ago, I would have said "Girl Lost", as my name suggests. But now? I am no longer lost....I am found.

"I once was lost, but now am found, I was blind, but now I see."

I am not Christian, but I do believe this verse applies to all of us who find out our mothers are narcissists. It says to us "It's them, not us. It's always been them, even though she tried to convince us otherwise."

So, who are we when we become motherless? Because when your mom is a narc, you are definitely motherless. It's just that you never realized it before. So, who do you become when you realize it?

You become found.

You are no longer are that lost little girl, hiding from your mother's crazy, thinking you caused it. You are no longer someone without an identity, because yours was so wrapped up into hers.

You become you. You become that person you lost when you became what she wanted. You find your true self.

But what if you find your "true self" and don't like it? Realize that most of who you are and have become, are residual leftovers from her and her abuse. You learned how to cheat, lie, or get revenge. You learned how to look down on others. You learned to judge people based on solely what they can do for you. You learned that you were never good enough and never will be. You learned so many inappropriate and negative things, you will have a hard time sorting out what is her and what is you.

The difference between your learned narcissistic behaviors and her narcissistic personality disorder? You can change. She can't.

So please, on your journey to find your "true self", don't get discouraged by what you find. You have to find the negative in order to pull out the positive. Humans, at their core, are full of love and understanding. Narcissists, at their core, are angry, hurt, and mentally unstable people. While they can't help who they are, we can help who we are and change so we can be better.

I have a LOT to change about myself that was drilled into my being from her. She turned me into a petty revenge-getter and a gossip. I have been actively working on these issues so I can change those parts of myself and actually find out who I really am.

So without our mothers? We are better. We are greater. We can do anything and be anything. And we can become who we truly were meant to be, rather than what she molded us to be.

And that, my friends, is reason enough to be taking this journey, no matter how painful or hard it gets.

Question: Who did you find out you were without your mother? How hard has it been to change in order to find your "true self"? Let me know below in the comments :)

My mother's friend from childhood decided to bring up the fact that my children are homeschooled to my mother and thought it would be nice to talk about how worried she was about them "being socialized".

Then my mother decides to say "They do not have one friend, either one of them." Then she said about how neither one of the kids know math at all and she "fears for their future". And then apparently she must have told her other friend (the neighbor--although we ALL are neighbors) that I sit around all day on my computer and don't pay attention either child, so that "other friend", we'll call her BM for Big Mouth, chimes in with "She needs to start teaching those kids instead of sitting around on her computer all day long!"

Who the fuck are these people to think they know ONE DAMN THING that goes on in my house? And her friend is a fucking idiot to bring up anything to my mother at all about my family in the first place. Her AND her husband were "worried about my kids" but she never says a damn thing to me. I just LOVE gossips!! This is why I refuse to take part in gossip anymore. I am tired of it. I am tired of the fucking LIES coming out her mouth.

NONE of those things in the 2nd paragraph is true, btw. Both of my kids have friends in real life and online. Both of my kids know math and my mother KNOWS that my youngest is a math WIZARD, yet she decided to lie about them both.

Well, that's narcissism for you. Can't say I was surprised, but I am so sick and tired of her running her damn mouth.

Her dementia is getting worse, and it can't come soon enough. Everything she says, good or bad, is a manipulation game for her....she's getting something out of it. And I am tired of having to pretend to put up with her insanity. The moment she gets bad enough to have to be taken care of, is the MOMENT these crazy fucking people are not allowed access to her anymore. Her childhood friend is fine, although she says annoying things to get things started, she's still fine to be around her. But BM? That bitch will be done.

BM is a user...she KNOWS my mother is losing it, so she takes advantage of her over and over for money, rides, cigarettes, food, etc. And I am so tired of it. But my mom is a narc with dementia but with enough brainpower to veto me saying BM can't "play at her house anymore".

It's just a waiting game now. Waiting to get BM out of her life.

March 7, 2015

*sigh*

So the other shoe finally dropped again. After months on end of my mother doting on me like someone sucking up for a raise, she went full crazy again.

It started with her snapping at my son quite a bit, then on to humiliating me at Kmart to the cashier.

Her driving has become insane...every time she drives, she almost hits at least one car, but recently it was almost 5 in one day. She can't stay in her lane, and is always swerving around and being quite dangerous. Not to mention her speeding: 65 in a 40 more than once. Jerking into lanes back and forth and not using her blinkers. I need to talk to her doctor because she's going to kill someone.

And then the shit talking started. She's been going around telling people that my 13 year old and 17 year old do not know any math at all. She also says neither one of them have a single friend (yet she knew my oldest just had a friend come over the other day). She tells them all I do is watch TV all day. She tells people that my son can't hold down a job because of his "anxiety" (which is said in a high-pitched voice with quotations on her fingers) and makes fun of him for it.

I honestly wish I could punch her in the face sometimes. She's picking on my kids because that's what she does when she's in FULL NARC MODE.

I let her back into my life after the last time, well, now I've learned my lesson.

Thing is, what a stupid choice for her to be talking shit about my family when I am the one who schedules her doctor's appointments and she's having 2 surgeries in 10 days! I guess she's finding her own rides.

And we used to rely on her for a car during the day, well now we have our own car :) Yesterday we went and bought a car!!! YAY!!! I feel free of her!! It's a wonderful feeling to NOT have to rely on her for SHIT.

Because that's what she holds over us: do I want, I'll give you want you need, but then I get to do whatever I want (like talk shit about you). No more, mama. You no longer have the upper hand.

And that's all she wrote *wink*

Jareth:

The Other Mother:

"I once was lost, but now am found, I was blind, but now I see."

You become found.

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