So today is Mr. Brooks' birthday.  And I haven't seen, nor talked to my mother much today (though I have some), due to the fact that I felt like total crap for most of the day.  Sometimes after I eat, my body reacts as though...well, I have no idea, but my neck will tighten up, and it feels like someone is pinching all my muscles and joints, starting with my neck, and it will travel into my head, my arms, my armpits, my elbows, my fingers, my shoulders, and my upper back.  And I just felt awful, so I stayed in my room and laid down and did some art while Mr. Brooks practiced songs from his new album on his guitar.  So, when dinner time came, my kids smoked a bunch of pork chops and I quickly made some mashed potatoes (from boiled potatoes), even though I felt like total shit.  But I was mostly in my room, and when it came dinner time, my mother knocked on my door, and asked me to get her medicine for her.  So I asked my youngest son to do it, as it's just Metamucil (she could have done it herself).  

So she went to bed and didn't say goodnight, but then got back up and knocked on my door, and said "If you're sick, just tell me and I will get stuff done for you!"  I was confused and said "Like what?  I didn't do anything today."  And it literally just dawned on me why she said all this, but I'll get to that.  She replied "Like, anything!  Your my baby, and I need to take care of you."

And this was my reaction: 

via GIPHY

And my response ALMOST was "Oh really now.  Are you sure about that?  Because every FUCKING TIME I have a migraine and you are being noisy and I ask you to stop, you get louder in order to make my head hurt worse.  Or what about all the times as a kid you complained because you had to get off your lazy to pick me up from school because I had a fever or some other sickness?  Or what about that time I needed to go to the ER and you refused to take me because you didn't want to get out of bed and my old boyfriend had to take me instead?  Or what about the time as a kid when I fell down a hill sideways on my bike, which could have broken my neck, and I came home bleeding all over the place and all you said was that god was punishing me because I wasn't supposed to leave the yard?  You have never, ever, taken care of me properly, unless it was easy for you, or benefitted you in some way.  So fuck right off with that lying bullshit!"  

But of course, I didn't say that.  I am not that kind of person.  I mean, I may say those things to her one day, but not in a cruel way, nor would I tell her to fuck off (well, maybe sometime I will).  But I may laugh at her for saying what she said, which would spark me telling her the rest.  But tonight, I just laughed in a funny way and said thanks.  

I couldn't figure out why she was saying it, as I have migraines all the time (though not as much anymore) she never says jack shit to me about it.  Like I said, she always does what she can to make me feel worse (which makes me sick to think about it...who does that kind of evil shit?).  But as I writing this, I remembered: she came to my door, while I was feeling horrible and don't forget, it's my hubby's birthday, and said "You forgot to wash my clothes!"  She never demands me to do her clothes on a certain day, so I don't get why today she was, but still.  So I bet she realized I didn't feel good when I had my son get her meds for her, and felt like she looked like a dick for demanding her laundry get done today.  I mean, I am fully serious here when I say she does NOT give two pennies whether or not I felt sick today.  She was only looking out for herself.  But whether or not it was over the laundry is just my best guess.  It may have nothing to do with it at all.  But I know how my mom works.  And she never acts like she cares about you unless you're a) her golden child or b) she is getting something out of it.  

I really, really hate when she pretends to be nice mom.  She's not nice mom.  She's asshole mom some of the time and an indifferent mom most of the time when she's not being asshole mom.  But nice mom?  Isn't really nice at all.  It's fake mom.  And I really hate fakeness.  Everything nice that comes out of her mouth you can 100% she's faking it by the tone of her voice.  It's exaggerated and over the top.  Never normal.  I wonder if she looks at me, capable of actually loving my kids and they love me back, and wonders "How do they even do that?"  Because she honestly has no idea.  

So today's mantra is back to the first one "she can only give what she has". And all she has is fake nice, so if I am ever getting her "loving mother" side, it's always fake.  Which reminds me more of the fact I don't have a loving mother than when she's being mean to me.  I'd rather her be mean.  At least she's being honest.  

Well, tomorrow is celebration day for my hubby.  Which will be nice.  Mother is mad I didn't buy him a brownie for his birthday from her, and I bought one to make instead (complete with frosting and sprinkles).  A) it was way the hell cheaper and B) I wasn't trucking my ass all over to different stores because I felt like crud.  I think she's mad that I am going to make it, when it's from her.  But oh well.  She's the one who forgot his birthday, not me.  But then again, she's also the one with dementia.  But still, she should be grateful I am going out of my way to make it.  I don't know why it matters.  But watch her make a big deal tomorrow out of it.  But it's not a real birthday, unless grandma is ruining it for everyone.  

Till tomorrow.  And I am sure I will have a lot to write about then LOL 

Today I finished another workbook/guided journal I've been working on and uploaded it online.  I am super excited about it, but then again, I am super excited about everything I make LOL  This is my fourth book this month.  One is a big coloring book that I am super excited about getting in the mail soon.  One is a project journal, another is a full color guided journal, and this one is black and white, also a guided journal.  So instead of painting, I worked on that instead, as while I love to paint, I need to actually get my work done.  Granted, I have made four books this month, written four memoirs in a year, and now I have two non-fiction self-help books for healing from narcissistic abuse that I am not fully finished with, but i will be soon.  2020 and 2021 have been my most productive years in my entire life, when it comes to creating.  I can't believe I've done so much, as I have ADHD and am the queen of unfinished projects.  I guess I just wasn't working on the right things!  

Anyways, today mother was very agreeable.  She had a conversation with her old BFF, I don't have a name for her yet, but maybe one day I will in a new book.  But after that, she seemed like she was in a better mood today.  Though, unlike the past, I am really trying hard to not let her moods affect me, good or bad.  The only way today it did affect me was that she was joking around with me left and right, so I joked around right back.  That's the dynamics of our relationship.  We laugh together.  We haven't laughed together in a very long time.  That part was nice.  

She opened my door twice today, but I just ignored it because nowadays, I am truly wondering if it's her dementia.  Though, even if it's not, it's mentally better for me to let it go than fight her tooth and nail to get her to stop.  Now, if she was coming into my room while doing it?  I'd have cared.  A lot.  But she's just letting dogs in.  

So, mantra for today is "Let it go.  Let it go.  Be one with the ice and snow."  Or more so, let it go, and use radical acceptance instead of getting angry.  Here is a great article on this.  I can't change my mother's narcissism, nor her dementia, so some situations, I just need to let go.  And if they get worse, I can address them then, but a once in awhile thing, I can just learn how to ignore it.  The ONLY issue I ever had with her opening my door is that she uses it to invade my privacy, interrupt what I am doing, and at one point, when we first moved in, to harass me (though I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what this is actually called when someone does this) by opening my door while I am dressing and refusing to leave when I tell her to, stating "You ain't got nothing I ain't seen before!", as though she owned my body and could do whatever she likes with it.  That was WAY over the line and she never did it again, after I flipped the fuck out about it.  But that doesn't mean she's changed.  She just doesn't want to be yelled at again.  But anyways, for now, it's just dogs and cats she's letting in.  Though while I will let it go for the most part, if she does it more often, or opens my door for any other reason, I will have to address it, as eventually it will lead to her coming into my room again.  

Here's a little song to go with today's mantra.  Snow's coming next week.  So I'm going to have to channel my inner Elsa soon and make me a snow castle to go live in, I mean, to practice radical acceptance and become who I was always meant to be.  And that's a person who shovels snow.  This damn coastal late fall tricks you into thinking it's nice out and BAM!  Snow.  Thanks Elsa.  

I've started doing art again.  I've not been able to due to a myriad of reasons: depression, not enough room in the house, been busy writing my ass off for over a year.  And while I am still writing, I am no longer depressed (well, at least not long term), and there is even less room in the house now.  But we're working on it.  

I found out today that if we have the restoration people do the repairs after they tore everything up, it will cost me TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for them to fix it all.  What in the holy fuck is that about?  They call it "deductible", but to me it's called holding my fucking house hostage.  So we'll be getting $2,000 for the repairs to have someone else do it.  I sure that's enough.  

Anyways, I've been writing like a busy little bee and writing and writing, and writing so much I felt like my brain was going to go insane.  So I decided that's enough left-brained stuff, let's get to the right-brained stuff instead!  So I started watching YouTube videos on art again (Tamara Laporte from Willowing is one of my favs) and then I went out and bought (just kidding, I went online) a set of watercolors in a pan (mine are all in tubes and are all dried up! that's how long it's been since I've painted!), a watercolor sketchbook, some posca paint pens (the whites never work that well for me, though, no matter what brand I use), and some black stabilo pencils.  And I immediately got to work after they all came and I've made three paintings now.  One I hate, but maybe I'll cover it up, maybe not.  But I tell you what, my mood has lifted sooooooo much, because I honestly forgot how much my brain needs to create artistically, not just in words.  I love painting and creating, and for so long I haven't because I usually paint in acrylic, and that takes up SO much room.  Watercolors in a pan take ZERO room, and are portable.  

And today my mother pulled some shit again, coming in after smoking and not leaving the room while i was trying to make dinner.  I told her "You need to leave because you smell like cigarettes" and she said "Do you know what you smell like?"  I paused and was caught off guard because it was super smart-assy and she sounded really angry.  She said "I have no idea, I can't smell anything."  She didn't even say it in a jokey voice, so that's how I know she wasn't actually kidding.  But I laughed anyways.  And yet, SHE STILL DIDN'T LEAVE.  Sigh.  It's like one step forward (after yelling at her) and two steps back again.  So I left the room instead.

But while I am angry, I don't actually have a connection to that anger because all I want to do is create more art.  It's like, when you can fill yourself up with someone that speaks to your soul?  You don't have time for piddly little bullshit handed out by others.  My goal is to fill my entire art journal with paintings and journaling.  And I can't do that if I am caught up in her crap.  So I don't even want to engage with her right now.  I'm just going to make art.  Because that's so much more fun than listening to her be a jerk to me. 

Though, her BFF Christmas came over today, and we left the house to go to the store to get bourbon for our smoked pork chop recipe and maybe being with her riled up my mother?  I don't know.  And I honestly don't really care right now.  I just want to fucking paint LOL

Oh, I also got two new decks of oracle cards on HayHouse today for less than the price of one (sale plus Capital One coupon thingy found me FIVE DOLLARS OFF!).  And so I checked one out before buying and got a free reading on the author's website (click here for a reading).  The two decks are "The Language of Letting Go" cards, by Melody Beattie and "Messages From Your Animal Spirit Guides Oracle Cards" by Steven Farmer PhD.  And here is what my reading from the animal deck said (just so you know, I am a licensed life coach who uses tarot/oracle cards for introspection, not psychic prediction): 

Manatee

Accept the situation as it is rather than fighting to change it.

Kiwi

Do a walking meditation each day for the next week.

Elk

Stand tall and maintain your dignity no matter what, and others will treat you with the respect that you deserve.

Card One: This speaks to me so much right now, because fighting to change something you hate is like swimming upstream.  And I am not a good swimmer!  So instead of being miserable and just waiting for the second she can go into a home (btw, she's on a kick right now talking about going in a home--I wish she was for real), I need to just surrender and let go.  Like Dory going into the gullet of the whale.  Sometimes you just have to accept circumstances as the way they are instead of fighting it (which always makes me miserable).  Every single time in my life I do this?  My life quickly opens up for change in the way I want it to.  It's like fighting against the current just makes the currant stronger.  

Card Two: I like the idea of this.  I follow Thich Nhat Hanh's stuff and have many of his books.  I should do a walking meditation this week, as the weather is amazing right now.  I bet I find some peace and calm from doing so.  And it will get me out of the house and away from her incessant singing LOL

Card Three: This is what I work on all the time.  Feeling sure of myself, and dignified.  This is one of the hardest things to do as an adult child of a narcissist.  Feeling like I am an adult, and I am sure of myself, and I am worthy of being treated with respect.  Now, the second part of that card that says "others will treat you with the respect you deserve" is simply not true if you are dealing with a narcissist.  BUT, if you feel good enough about yourself, you won't give two shits what those narcs think.  

So I think both of these decks are pretty interesting and will work well with my style of life coaching and card reading.   So I am excited for that too.  But while I wait, I'm going to go paint.  Here is my pic of from today that's not finished yet.  I've done Fire, Water, and this one is Air, and I will do Earth and Spirit next.  I am trying to find my own art style, but for now, it's similar to the ones I see on YouTube and websites of the artists I follow and take classes from.  After I am done with my elementals girls, I will do all the archetypes I did in a single painting from the book "Art Journal Your Archetypes" by Gabrielle Javier-Cerulli.  I want to give each one their own page, now that I have a watercolor journal.  The painting, though, hangs on my wall next to my bed, in which I used pictures from magazines that I painted over to represent each one.  

Here is my Air girl: 

For some reason, the color doesn't show up just how much orange and yellow and green is in her face, it just looks like one shade.  I have bad lighting LOL  

I will share more when I am done with all the elemental girls, along with the journaling and doodling I will do on each one.  

Air represents thoughts, communication, springtime, new beginnings, freedom, intellectual pursuits, and so much more.  So my journaling will reflect those things as well.  I also will name all five of them, too.  

Just in case you want to make an awesome "Pieces of Me" art journal, too.  

Okay, back to the grind.  Gotta go write more and maybe draw Earth next :)  

I like having a post not be centered on my mother for once.  Nice.  

Today's Mantra: "Find something that fills you up rather than the way your mother depletes you".  

So today I had to fix my mother's computer and it's still not fixed so I just bought her a new one.  Because fuck old computers.  They get so damn finicky and don't want to work right.  I don't see how she can stand using hers, and she really can't, so she will be very happy to get this new one in the mail in a few days instead.  Hell, it's better than any computer I've ever owned, so I really hope it works right LOL 

Anyways, she was being annoying again.  Chattering away, like usual.  But for once I tried to look at her with "daughter" eyes rather than "her victim's" eyes.  I see her as an abuser and it's so hard for me to tolerate being around her at all.  But today I realized something: she's freaking demented as hell.  I had no idea just how bad her dementia was getting.  I see her daily, but I don't have long conversations with her, and today I realized her non-stop noise making is her dementia.  It's almost compulsive.  She did open my door again today, but I'll just lock it, rather than get angry with her.  Because she can't hold stuff in her brain for too long, so she won't remember I told her over a week ago to never open my door again (after she let my cat in and I had to chase him around to get him out).  So I'm going to learn to stop getting angry at her and do a few things instead: 

1. I am going to divert her noise making to conversation.  That way she'll want to talk about something, like her cats, and not just making noise for noise's sake.
2. I am going to politely remind her, yet still be forceful enough to make her comply, about leaving the room after she's done smoking outside.  Today I was working on her computer and she came right in after smoking.  I don't think she's always doing it on purpose, but even if she is, I can still stand my ground and ask nicely and push it if she doesn't listen.  

Today I had a bit of a meltdown.  Not outwardly, but inward, and at first, I couldn't place what I was feeling, but then it dawned on me.  I felt exactly like I did when were stuck in Buttdick, MO, being held hostage by my jackass (and evil) cousin.  Though living with her for three weeks was FAR worse than living with my mother, especially with the way she is now, but the feeling was there, nonetheless.  

Yesterday, I bought her a special root beer.  I got everyone else a cherry soda.  She then said "What, no cherry soda for me?" when I said I got her a root beer.  And then she refused to drink hers.  So today, I drank her root beer.  Then she knocked on my door this morning and asked for it.  Maybe she knew I drank it?  Maybe not.  But I went into immediate panic mode.  

Let me tell you right now, I know that this episode today was entirely my fault.  I just feared telling her I drank her soda, because I thought she wouldn't want it.  I didn't want to deal with listening to her play the victim and act like someone did something horrible to her over a stupid drink.  So I went into the kitchen and finished making my pot of chili I had started yesterday (I felt like horrible shit yesterday, so I couldn't cook) and all the while, she was in the kitchen being louder and louder and louder until I said "SHUSH!  You are so loud, please be quieter."  She then kept bugging me about getting in the garage to get her root beer and I said "I will have to find it for you", thinking that keeping her at bay will give me to figure it out (and it worked, thank goodness).  So she started getting louder again, this time singing at the top of her lungs.  My heart started racing and I said "Please!  Be quiet!  You are so loud!"  She said "Thanks," in her shitty voice.  Then I added  "Remember when I was a kid, and you'd tell me to listen, and I'd say to what, and you'd say to the silence.  Which is what you got when I was at school.  Now that I am getting old, I get what you mean.  I prefer a much quieter house."  She said "Remember when your son used to come to my house and talk about how he loved the peace and quiet there?"  I replied "Funny, how he's the loudest person in the house."  She laughed.  And then I added "But now you are.  Which is even funnier."  Gotcha. 

Oh she did not like that one bit.  And she put her on her angry face (like Mr. Potato Head and his "angry eyes") and said "Thanks" like she was an angry version of the snake in the first Harry Potter movie.  So she then picked up her cat, the one she was singing really loudly to and started singing again, but this time in a whisper, just to annoy me.  She WOULD.  NOT.  STOP.  And I kept getting more and more and more annoyed.  Until my heart was beating fast and I just wanted to escape.  Knowing she was trying to piss me off just because I POINTED OUT THE OBVIOUS (and it's insanely obvious she's NOISY AS FUCK) was just turning my insides out.  So I went to the bathroom and stayed there until she went into her room.  So then I went into my room, where I felt like there was a huge weight pressing down on my entire body, with adrenaline surging through it like mad.

My old therapist said "Just tell your mother to go away when you want space in a room to do something."  I always said that was so much easier said than done.  Even though I know her moods are not my responsibility, I am so severely hypervigilant that I take on other people's moods all the time.  I can't help it.  I know I need to build a barrier to protect myself from that, but I don't know how (yet).  So if I piss her off, I get pissed off.  But me telling her how noisy she is makes me feel better in the moment, and it makes it easier for me to tell her again next time.  But it does not change her behavior.  In fact, it usually makes it worse.  But holding it in makes me feel like I'm going insane, so I guess it's something I can just keep doing and if she gets really bad, I can point it out to her that she does this in purpose in order to make me yell at her.  Which usually will get her to stop.  At least for awhile.  

So I went out to the car, where I had more root beer stored (A&W Zero), opened one, and poured it into her special root beer bottle and put the cap back on (they are metal caps).  She can't taste anything, so she won't even notice it's the same root beer.  And that got me out of a situation where she can say I was some kind of asshole for drinking hers to begin with.  

But I put it out for her on her magazine that came in the mail, and she took the magazine and not the root beer.  Oh well.  It's in the fridge now so she can drink it whenever.  

But in my room, when I felt horrible, I started having one of those impending dread panic attacks that I had in Missouri for three weeks straight (when we were homeless), I kept thinking I can't do this anymore.  I can't live with her.  I need time to live my life without her in it on a regular basis.  I am forty-four years old and I can't keep living like this.  Too much of my god damned life has been taken up by her.  Too fucking much.  And I am so over it.  

So my panic attack came to its crescendo and I started really panicking and wondering what the hell am I going to do?  Negative thoughts started passing through my mind like crazy.  One being suicidal ideation.  I don't think about that all the time.  Just when I feel like everything is hopeless and I will never be able to escape one type of bullshit or another (a common theme in my life).  And I don't make plans, just "I think might be better off dead that deal with this shit anymore".  I never mean it, but in the moment it feels so real and I feel so very, very hopeless.  I can't work.  I don't have any friends.  I can't honestly see myself having friends in the future.  My kids are going to have lives of their own one day, and my hubby is always working and I am always alone.  So what is there for me in the future?  Will I ever be able to just exist without judgement or someone getting on my case about something?  These are the types of thoughts running through my head.  But in that moment, my husband reached out started rubbing my back and it immediately brought me out of it.  And I realized that whatever we end up doing in the future, he and I have each other.  And he is my rock and my best friend and I would never want to leave this earth because I love my husband and my kids and they make life worth everything.  And I started to feel better.

So my mantra for today is "this too shall pass".  The feeling of dread.  The feeling of being alone.  Living with her.  All this shit.  She can't help being a mental case, and I wish I could help how I respond to it.    But it will pass.  The feelings.  The situation itself.  Everything.  And one day she'll be in a home and I'll be living my life with my family, hopefully in an intentional way that I start to build now.  All starting with my thought process.  And remembering that no feelings last forever.  And eventually I'll find my bliss again.  

Sidenote: Oh and one way I helped my mental health get better lately is to turn off ads for articles on my homepage so I can't see them and be sucked in by all the terrible things going on in the world right now.  So many articles about 5 year olds being murdered by their parents.  Geezus fucking christ.  The world is sick, but I don't need to know these things or store that shit in my head.  Because horrible news articles wears on those of us who may have a little too much empathy in life, like me.  So I turned it off.  And it does help me stay on task and feel better not thinking about such horrible things.

Okay, so my mantra today isn't for my mother, but my son.  He has autism and has issues with needing to know every little detail of everything.  And I am reactionary towards that, because none of my responses are usually good enough for him.  He likes to micromanage things and it gives him great anxiety if he can't.  Which is why I made a majority of everything yesterday while he was asleep.  My youngest and I cook in mostly silence.  Though when he was taking a break, he told me all about a bunch of stuff he's into.  And that kind of talk while I am cooking does not overwhelm me.  

I am not saying my oldest son is a bad person for what he does, he has autism, and this is one of his issues.  And today, he was having an issue micromanaging me about the turkey, and when the lid on the roaster didn't fit properly, he had a total meltdown.  Which led to a HUGE fight between us.  Though it did make me feel better to yell "I am cooking this holiday because I cannot stand the constant negativity from my mother, and now I am getting it from you!"  Not that it made me feel good to say that to my kid, but I knew my mother could hear me.  I am such an asshole.  But yeah.  It felt good.  

My son later apologized to me and we talked about his behavior.  And he pointed out that I also say things that feel like emotional abuse to him.  Granted, his words are more abusive than mine, but I do things and say things on a daily basis that cause him, and others, to feel stupid.  And when we were in the kitchen afterwards, I did something and he said "That.  That right there.  That's what I am talking about."  And I said "Whoah, I don't even realize I am doing it."  I say things like that out of frustration because I am overwhelmed.  Things like "It's not in there, it's in here!"  And other shit like that.  He does the same thing, but he learned it from me.  And I learned it from my jackass mother.  And she probably learned it from her jackass mother.  Generational emotional abuse, yay!  

So yeah, that's something I need to work on.  I need to pull back, reassess what I am feeling in the moment when I feel myself getting frustrated, and respond, instead of react.  I mean, I don't talk like that to my youngest son.  So I can do better.  I talk about my mother never doing her best with me, but I apparently do not do my best with my oldest son (and my husband) either.  So I need to work harder at that.  He deserves a better mother and to be treated better, even if he can't do the same for others.  But he can.  He just has certain days where his emotions run high and he gets super overwhelmed and he lashes out.  He has rejection sensitive dysphoria (and I do too, I just get super depressed, rather than angry) and I need to learn the right way to diffuse the situation, rather than throw more gasoline on it.  Which I somehow always do.  

Both my kids, myself, and my husband have autism.  So it's really hard dealing with your own asperger's issues and trying to navigate everyone else's, too.  But luckily, I am higher on the spectrum and can get a hold of my emotions when I have to.  I just need to learn to do it more.  

So my mantra for today (even though my mom did try to interfere with our cooking and pissed off my kids) is: 

"Know your limits, but also know the limits of those you love".  And when either he, or I, are pushed passed our limits, we tend to get pretty angry.  So the trick is to walk away before your limits are pushed too far, and the same goes for their limits, as well.  Walking away, taking a break, is a great way to calm down and think straight.  I love my kids and my hubby more than life and I do not want to be the cause of their pain.  And I want to be able to help my son (and everyone I love) by learning how to diffuse a situation before it gets worse.  So I will be reading up on some autism parenting books and see what I can find out.  Though, like I said, walking away is a great tool, though it doesn't always work.  I wish I still had a (good) therapist, so I could run this by them.  Oh well, though.  I'll figure it out by reading, like I do with most things LOL  

So dinner is done and mother only complimented the one thing nobody liked: my sweet potato casserole.  There was zero flavor and it was gross.  But that was pretty much the only thing she said she liked.  But only after we all were saying how gross it was.  Of course.  

Also, I realized today, though this is something I realize every single year, I fucking hate Thanksgiving food.  Like, I honestly HATE it.  I have since childhood.  There is not a single traditional meal that my family makes that I like.  Turkey being the biggest thing I hate.  I hope tomorrow's turkey sandwiches will be better than today's turkey dinner.  Yuck.  So, I have decided, along with my husband, who also hates it, and also with my kids: we are done with Thanksgiving.  From now on, we're going to make something we love instead, if we do anything at all.  Next year, mother will either be in a home or her dementia will be worse, so she won't even remember it's Thanksgiving, so we'll be able to cook anything we like.  Earlier in the week, she was actually angry at the kids because they wanted to smoke the turkey.  I fucking hate holidays because of her.  She either ruins everything by being horrible or I fear she will be horrible so I am on edge all day, which contributed to my bad mood earlier.  Which I know is my fault, but if we didn't have to celebrate anything with her, then I wouldn't fear it and I'd be much happier.  Sigh.  Well, I found a way to buy cheap land (though not the land yet) so I hope come this March or so, we'll be able to find something and get working on our escape plan.  Mother in a home.  We on our own land.  Fingers crossed.  

Okay, so I'm going to start a new mantra today.  Today's new mantra, which I will also use for the rest of the 30 days (and beyond) is something I learned today.  

When I got today, I had forgotten it was Thanksgiving tomorrow.  See, my mother is usually up everyone's ass about the holidays and getting stuff done, so much so, I have no idea how to be my own person during them.  I don't even know how to defrost a freaking turkey.  But after the past several years of my mother cooking us rotten, expired, and undercooked food (and us always getting sick afterwards), I said no more.  Not only that, she's a RAGING BITCH in the kitchen.  She acts as though cooking so much food is so freaking stressful, and nobody else can do it but her.  But she's wrong, and it's not hard, or complicated or insane, and if your kitchen isn't full of idiots trying to tell you what to do, then there is zero reason to get overwhelmed and scream at everyone.  Which is how I get when she's in the fucking kitchen and trying to cook while I am cooking.  I don't scream at anyone, but I want to.  

So today, she didn't speak to me until later, and when she did, she got bitchy with me about buying her cigarettes.  I said I'd do it, but she was going on about it, and acting really annoyed.  So apparently my mother doesn't like getting scolded like she did yesterday.  Oh well.  

So my son and I took all the food out, and made all the sides and the pie and the fudge, and it took us only like an hour and nobody was stressed out.  We listened to holiday music and it was so calm and peaceful.  Why?  Because my crazy ass mother was in her room with the door shut.  At first, I got all annoyed about it, her ignoring us, because she's mad that I said I am cooking Thanksgiving this year, not her.  Funny, you wish for something, but then it happens, and all you can do it worry that things are going to blow up later.  

Why do we do that?  Why do we feel like we're doing something wrong when they ignore us?  So I turned to myself and thought "What am I even doing?  I am not freaking responsible for her moods or her emotional behavior.  If she wants to be mad, that has nothing to do with me."  And I let it go and ended up having a great time cooking with my son.  And when my mother finally came out of her room, I even joked around with her and thanked her for taking the recycling out.  It felt so good to let it go and not let my mind spin out of control about her mood, whether she was angry or not.  I need to stop taking responsibility for her moods.  I need to stop let her moods dictate mine.  We are separate people.  Not one.  Growing up always taking her moods as my own, it's a very hard thing to stop doing.  But it can be done.  Which is why this is my new mantra for the month (and beyond).  

So today has been a good day.  I hope tomorrow is, too.