Yet another letter, after I had written to her and she had to play it off as if it was childish by saying "I am done being your penpal now", yet she can send me another letter. 

So I called her, whipped out her old letter I never discussed with her so I can get some clarification on it, but she wasn't there.  So I left a message saying "The truth will set us free, Mom, when you're ready to speak the truth, call me". 

That will probably piss her off, she wants me to forget any of this ever happened.  Its the first time she's being held accountable for ANYTHING in her life, so we'll see. 

If she gets angry with me or demeans me when she calls, I will politely say "I have to go now, so when you're ready to be more understanding to me, call me back."  I will set boundaries with her.  I will say everything in "I" statements as in "I feel __________ when I hear you say this" or "When you did this, it made me feel ________", rather than accusing. 

The NUMBER ONE THING you never do is accuse a narcissist.  They will shut down and turn off. 

Or they will become abusive back to you. 

So in order to get anywhere with them, you have to use "I" statements.  Does it work?  Have no clue, haven't tried it yet, but I'll let you know. 

I get PUMPED up with adrenaline when I am up for a fight (or a confrontation), so my fingers are shaking as I write this.  I need to go jump around to shake it out! LOL 

But yeah, I am ready for this.  My therapist told me how to handle it, and now I will use her advice and see how it goes.  I feel prepared, rather than angry.  I will hold her accountable without accusing. 

I will not back down. 

I will not give him and pretend everything is fine. 

The #1 thing I want clarification on in her letter is "Ever since you were a little girl, I thought you were happy.  You never let me know anything was wrong."  What the fuck does that mean?  Did she not live my life with me?  Was she not there?  How could having an abusive father (and mother) be okay in ANYONE'S book? 

But she's crazy.  I can't hold her to the same expectations as a normal person, because she's not capable of normal.  Neither is my ex. 

I will be calm, not get over emotional, and if she brings up my outburst when I was at her house, I will politely tell her "I had every right to fly off the handle, you said you'd always pick your husband, the one abused me, over me, your daughter.  That was just a bad move on your part, and not a 'good mother' thing to say."  That might make her crazy mad, but its true.  And if she can't handle the truth, she's not ready to talk. 

But I am.  I will be here waiting for her call.  And I know this might take a long, long time, and may never actually be finished.  But in the meantime, I will do my healing and work on me.  If she continues to say abusive things to me, I will say "I'll call you in a few weeks to see if you've calmed down, and if you haven't, well, we can just call it quits.  I will not tolerate lies or abuse anymore."

I'll write again later when she calls back.

Till then........