I have a plan. 

I am going to call and leave a message when she's not at home.  That way I can say "You keep telling people to have me call you, but you have to understand why I won't."

Or I can email her. 

But she's not checking her email...as her computer is broken. 

I have too much to say though, for just a message on her voicemail.  So I guess I need to write it all down, and then cut it real short. 

Because while I have all of these things I want to say....none of it will make a difference. 

But its so hard to accept that. 

So many things left unsaid.  So many things.

But saying them won't change her.   She will never take actual responsibility for her actions.  She will never acknowledge my pain or my suffering, not in the way I needed her to.

I say "needed" because I no longer feel I need her to "mother" me anymore.  I don't need her nurturing, as she never has nurtured me.  I can finally accept that and realize it and let it go. 

I am still angry, yes.  But that will fade with time and with working on my healing. 

I never let myself feel angry in the past 8 years or so...well, not for these things.  8 years ago she was still pissing me off at every corner, as I used to live with her when I left my ex-husband.

She was still drinking heavily at that time as well. 

I just have nothing left for her anymore.

I just feel that because I haven't made it clear to her that I am not going back on this, that things will never be the same between us, and somehow she thinks it will be, I feel that loose ends haven't been tied up.  That I am "leaving her hanging". 

I can't further my healing feeling this way.  I need to tell her.  But in the most clear and concise way possible.  No complicated conversations, nothing to for to come back at me with.  Because if she does, I will still be stuck in this revolving door of crap.

She will say "Well the ball is in your court", which she said after I already said I was done with her the last time.  I just want her to leave it all alone and let me heal. 

But I am tired of her telling people (or leaving me messages) "You can call me!"  No mom, I will not call you and chat with you.  I have nothing to say. 


Maybe I'll leave a message, maybe I won't. 

But I am sticking by my choice no matter what.  And I mean no matter what.

Because like I've said in many blogs past, I am worth more than that.