So I bought this book from our local resale shop because I love picking up books about codependency and narcissism whenever I find them.  I find that the more I know, the better I am at handling things (or at least I feel like I'm better at it).  Little did I know that I would open the book and find myself in the pages. 

Now, I always find myself in the pages of a book about narcissism.  Rather, I find the people in my life who are narcs, and then I find myself in their victims (though I'm not a victim anymore).  

Let me start off by saying I'm a weirdo.  I've always been a weirdo and I've always assumed I am unique in my weirdness.  But more than that, I always felt unique in my personality.  Not in a good way, but a shameful, lonely, and shitty way.  As in "I am the only person who acts like me.  I am the only person who feels like this.  I am the only person who reacts like this.  I am an asshole and not worthy of anyone really caring about me."  I don't always actively think these things, but at my core, it's what I've always felt.  All of my actions and reactions usually arise from these feelings or are at least filtered by them.  Especially my reactions.  

I have aspergers, ADHD, anxiety, depression, and I'm obstinate at times, argumentative (though I'm so much better now), reactive, and I hate change (unless it's fun change, then I love it!).  So I've always felt like a bit of a mess and when others see me that way and treat me that way, those negative filters above permeate other people's actions and words which then cements the negative filters even more into my being.  So if I act like a spaz, you call me a spaz, I already know deep down inside that I am unworthy and wrong, that you calling me that makes me feel even more horrible about myself.  This is true for every single person walking this earth.  We all have our own negative filters, whether they were taught to us by our parents' words or from other kids growing up, or just due to our own poor self images.  And when someone says something that backs up our negative filters, our subconscious brains are all like "Yup, I was right.  I'm a loser."  We may not even know what's going on, but our subconscious brain does.  And it makes us immediately react in a negative way.  And usually we have no idea even why.  We can react negatively in two ways: in anger (sometimes rage) or sadness (sometimes deep sadness).  And it's all due to toxic shame.  

Toxic shame was coined by Silvan Tomkins, a psychologist who worked at Princeton (and other places).  Shame is normal in life, but toxic shame is something that embeds itself into our mind and becomes a part of our identity.  Lonerwolf.com says it right when they say "toxic shame is the internalized and buried shame that rots within us".  It's what causes imposter syndrome and eating disorders and body dysmorphia.  It's also what helps to cause stress related diseases and illnesses.  When we feel horrible about ourselves, what on earth are we really enjoying in life?  What are we fully participating in?  What are we moving towards?  Because self-hatred, even if you don't realize you're experiencing it, can invade every aspect of our lives, our body, our minds, and our entire being.  It dictates our speech (especially what we say about ourselves), our actions, but mostly, our reactions.  And my reactions?  Have always been steeped in self-hatred, even though I didn't realize it until recently.  Have you ever said to yourself or others "I don't understand how I react this way and I don't know how to change it."  Because if we don't get at what lies at our core, then we have no idea how to fix it.  And what lies, usually unknowingly, at our core is toxic shame. 

If you'd have asked me yesterday if I was codependent?  I would have said "No way.  I'm so done with all that!  I haven't been for a long, long time."  But the truth is, I was wrong.  Not only am I still codependent, I am full of so much shame that there is a name for my personality type: Bystander.  I don't fit the profile 100%, but it's close, like 98% close.  It's so crazy to see my life on paper, things I thought were literally only something I feel or do, and then I find out that I'm not crazy or just some jerk, I just found a way to cope with my narcissistic mother and abusive father and instead of getting better as I aged, I got worse.  And then to realize that I am the way I am because of my parents?  I mean, I knew my anxiety and whatnot stemmed from my abuse, but not the deep facets of my being.  I thought that was just me.  It's very freeing, but also, I feel like a cheap knockoff of something.  Like, you think you are original, but as it turns out, you're just a personality type, like many, many others, all due to coping mechanisms.  My entire life, as it turns out, is just one big ass coping mechanism.  What the fuck?  I mean, I'm glad to know it.  And I'm glad to know it's changeable, but who will I be without all my coping mechanisms?  Oh yeah, happy.  So I guess I can get board with that. 😉

According to Darlene Lancer, LMFT, there are three types of codependent personalities (which are coping mechanisms from parental abuse--the survive, we "required to adapt to the needs, actions, and emotions of our parents at the expense of developing an individual self" ):  the master--power, the bystander--withdrawal, and the accommodator--pleasing.  

The Master is an extroverted solution to toxic shame.  They are usually (but not always) narcissists who believe they are already their idealized self.  The Bystander is a withdrawal solution to toxic shame.  They are usually very independent and remove themselves from relationships with other people so they never get hurt.  The Accomodator is someone who believes love will be the cure for their toxic shame, believing someone else will fill that gaping hole inside of them.  They are the stereotypical codependents and make up a majority of self-identified codependents. 

The first thing we see here is that the typical codependent/narcissistic relationship is in actuality two codependents together: a master and an accomodator.  But both are codependents, and both could possibly be narcissists.  When a master is a narc, they are just seen as a narc.  When an accomodator is a a narc, they could be called a reverse narcissist or even suffer from borderline personality disorder.  

How does Darlene tell us we can heal from this shame?  In her article called "Healing Psychic Wounds of Codependency", she shares these steps (with some of my own ideas mixed in, click on the link for her exact post): 

• Seek a good therapist.  If your therapist isn't right for you, keep looking until you find one that is.  
• Attend Codependents Anonymous meetings and seek out a sponsor (I didn't know this existed).
• Notice emotion/body shifts.  If you feel a certain way, then check where in your body you're also feeling it.  When you feel shame, does your posture change?  Do you feel numb?  Do you disassociate?  Are you angry?  Notice that feeling.  When I feel shame, as I did earlier today when my son scolded me for bringing up something I shouldn't (I tend to harp on my mother's behaviors and my son politely reminded me it was healthy or nor productive to do so), I feel a floaty sensation in my abdomen, which then spreads out to my entire body.  I wait for it to pass before responding, because if I respond when I feel bad, I will react, rather than respond.  Find where shame lives in your body and start to recognize it when it happens, so you, too, can respond rather than react.  
• Find your triggers.  Write them down and make a list.  Then write down why it triggers you.  
• Check out her other books, and other books on codependency written by other authors, and do all the exercises in the books.  Her books are: Codependency for Dummies, Dealing With a Narcissist, and Conquering Shame and Codependency.
  
• Challenge your beliefs.  This means to take everything you believe about yourself (and even in life) and write them all down and then go through them one by one and ask yourself Byron Katie's questions from "The Work.  Ask yourself:  "Is this true?  Am I absolutely sure this is true?  What happens to my body and emotions when I think this thought?  Who am I without this thought?"  When you go through each question, write down everything you can.  See what unfolds when you answer these questions.  
• Find some books on "inner critics" or "self-esteem" to work through.  Push yourself to get rid of that inner critic (which usually comes in as your mother's voice LOL).  
• Explore new ideas.  Read all you can about these subjects and see what you can find.  To know that you're not at fault for what's going on in your life is one thing, but to know that only you have the power to fix it means that although change is hard and difficult, you still have power.  You may feel powerless, but you're not.  You have all the power.  You have the power to not let your mother (and other narcs in your life) hurt you anymore and you have the power to fix the damage they did.  If you're like me and have a high ACE score?  Then you can stop more damage to your body and possibly reverse much of it by choosing to heal and walking the path of healing.  
• Other ideas to add to your healing process are learning about the eightfold path in Buddhism (it's not a religious thing, it's a practice), doing yoga/tai chi/etc. for relaxation, meditation, eating healthy and delicious foods, eliminated CATS from your life (caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, sugar--and I'll add anything else that's negatively affecting you), finding your spirituality (if you so desire), practicing self-care, exercising, and spending time with people who understand you and care about you as you are.