So I was all zen and centered and prepared for this, but then yesterday my anxiety went completely out of control and then this morning it was better, but I still felt bad.  But she's home now and has been good and hasn't asked about a lot of stuff yet, so everything has gone pretty smoothly.  Although she's done nothing but brag about herself since getting home, stating how much of a "bad ass" she was while there.  Sure, ma, sure.  You're a badass.  Okay.  LOL  I just laugh and nod and change the subject.  

I'm gearing up for it though.  The "talk".  I took over her finances while she was incarcerated in physical rehab and I know when she finds out she won't be happy.  Or maybe she won't care one bit.  That's how it is with her, you just never know.  We cleaned her room, washed her bedding, put up new blinds, rearranged her room to fit all her cat tower in there, and now she's happily  napping with all the cats in her room and on her bed with her.  And there's a lot of cats (though hers keep dying off, so I actually have more cats than she does right now).  And after cleaning her room, we've come to realize there will never be another cat in our house, because they are disgusting creatures.  I love my cats, we all do in our house.  We love them a lot.  But I refuse to get anymore, ever.  Cats are gross and do bad things when you're not looking.  Like the pile of cat feces we found under my mother's bed when I was making her bed this morning.  Geezus.  

Anyways, it's smooth so far.  But it won't stay that way.  It'll be no different than before, good days and bad days.  I'm going to try to be more lenient with her leaving the house though, to give her more reason to be happy.  She got her vaccines and as soon as we all get ours, she'll be able to go to stores again.  

I know, though, for a fact that the worst part of taking over finances will be the fact she can't go grocery shopping anymore.  She doesn't buy things for the family, she buys the same things I buy and she buys them for herself.  Even though I have to be the one to cook it all.  So now I am the primary grocery shopper and she is really not going to like that part.  Oh well.  

But right now I am calm. She's calm.  The kids are having fun playing Minecraft (haha yes, they are adults and they are in the other room having a blast playing Minecraft together for the first time in years LOL).  I am chilling out in my room typing on my new mini-bluetooth keyboard (I am surprised it's so easy to get used to typing on) and listening to "Ori and the Blind Forest" soundtrack (it's quite good).  My Pom was thrashing around in my bed playing a few days ago and knocked my laptop to the floor, completely obliterating my screen.  So I bought a Dynex HD tv from someone on Facebook to use as my monitor, and bought this keyboard on Amazon that works with both my phone and my computer.  It's not ideal, as it's tiny and hurts my wrists a bit, but it's super easy to type on.  And my hubby is at work for the evening and it's a gorgeous day out.  So I feel pretty good.  I think my anxiety played up her coming home as some kind of tragedy when in reality, it's not different than before, except I made huge changes while she was gone.  In her finances, our home, and in myself.  I hope I'll be able to stick to these changes in myself while she's back and not fall back into our old routine.  

I think I've said this before, but I am tarot/oracle card reader.  No, I do not believe in psychic abilities (I used to, though), but I use them for introspection and mantra creation.  And my pull for this month was "own your space".  Meaning I need to remember to own my space, even when she's here.  I deserve to be myself in all situations, not just when I am away from her.  I'm also going to work through that codependency book that I posted the other day.  Little did I realize, I am still codependent.  2020 was the year of hibernation.  We all, all over the world, hibernated together, apart LOL  2021, pandemic or not, is going to be my year of empowerment.  It's the word (one of the words) I picked for this year (instead of a resolution).  And healing all this crap that makes me scared of being around her and having her in my life is the only way to deal with living with her.  Hiding is not the answer (which is what I've been doing).  Owning my space feels wonderful, so why do I not do it when she's around?  She makes me feel small and insignificant, but I don't have to let her make me feel that way.  I can own my space anytime, anywhere, whether she's around or not.  This is my home.  She always says it's hers, but it's not.  All she did was allow debt to be put in her name.  But we pay for many of the bills, and we wouldn't have this house if it wasn't for me (meaning I did all the work to get it).  We even paid thousands of dollars out of our pockets to go through the home buying process.  She paid nothing.  She only lives here because of us.  So this makes it our home.  And she lives in it.  I don't care who's name is on the debt.  

So, since she's been gone, I've been treating it as our home, rather than feeling like we've been living in someone else's house.  And now that's she's back, I'm not going to stop treating it that way.  So today might be easy, but the future will most likely be full of her whining and complaining and throwing tantrums.  Oh well.  I still need to own my space (meaning I need to own the space I take up, rather than let myself feel as though she owns it--not the house, mind you, by my space, the space my body, mind, soul, and essence occupy at any given time).  Like my therapist said "This is your life, not hers.  So don't let her act like she owns it!".  

Easier said than done, but if I can just apply the feeling I get when I feel I am "owning my space" to a word or phrase and use that as a mantra to remind me of how to feel?  Then I think it's doable.  Like, there are certain trigger words (mantras) that when I think of them, I feel immediately serene.  I use them for anxiety.  But if I can do the same to remind myself to be strong and confident?  That'd be pretty rad.  

Okay, enough rambling.  She's back.  Everything is normal.  For now.  Let's hope we get at least a few more days of "nice mom" before "shitty mom" comes back.  Oh wait, sorry, GOTH: grandma of the house LOL