Here I am, having gotten done most of what I set out to do since day one.  It's gone by in a flash.  I think that's because I was constantly stressed and worried and trying to get everything done as quick as I could.  Now is my time for peace.  Last night I cooked up five dinners to freeze for her (Parmesan pork chops, corn bread, veggies, potatoes).  I've been accumulating meal prep containers for this reason.  I am planning on cooking her a huge amount of dinners so I do not have to cook when she's back home.  I do love cooking, by my mother puts a huge amount of stress on me to feed her every single day at a certain time, always when I am busy (she is capable of cooking herself, but she wants me to do it for her--which is fine, I will, just not daily), so I decided I'm not going to.  Instead, I am making her various meals of food she loves.  Though, when I did this last time, she said it was gross and refused to eat it.  Now she won't have a choice.  And this is helping me free up a HUGE amount of freezer space, as she accumulates crap nobody wants to eat but her.  She used to grocery shop 1-2 times a month, and only ever bought stuff she wanted (mostly crap she shouldn't be eating).  But when I went shopping, she'd give me a list to get for her as well.  So she spent her money on herself and I spent my money on her, too.  And when I say she bought things for herself, I mean she would spend nearing $200 on herself with each shopping trip.  Much of that was spent on chocolate candy bars.

And to deal with that, I've taken over her finances and giving her an allowance out of her money twice a month.  That was a freaking ordeal.  She's racked up SO much debt on various credit cards, and has so many bills to pay, so switching them all over to a new bank account was tedious and is still in transition as we speak.  At least I figured out how to get her money each month on her own debit card in a new account that I share with her (makes for easy deposits).  So that's something.  

And you know why she turned her nose up at the pre-made food I made for her before, right?  I mean, she's a narcissist, so it's quite obvious: she wants me to actively be waiting on her, providing for her, or doing what she says.  She doesn't want me to have my own life.  She wants me to do things for her every single day.  And if I'm not, she will guilt me (well, try to, nothing she says ever makes me feel bad).  Even on days I don't want to cook and she has a slew of soups she's picked out from the store on purpose for these days, she will require me to make her a grilled cheese.  Which defeats the purpose of having the soup.  I don't want to cook on certain days because I am busy.  I have a lot to do.  Even if she can't see it.  Hell, especially if she can see it.  She never hesitates to come busting into a room and talk over your conversation or if you're watching something.  She doesn't even say "excuse me" or "sorry", she just comes in an starts talking really loudly.  When I used to write in various places in my house (because I was under the illusion it was my house, too), she'd come seek me out and start blabbing and never stop until I left.  Even when I eventually starting hiding in the garage!  So I found that my bedroom was the place to hide from her.  And for months on end until she left, I'd sit on my bed with my door shut and locked while I worked, only leaving the use the bathroom or get food.  I felt like a ghost haunting the halls of my own house.  Well, of course, I'd have to leave my room to cook for her.

So now, I don't know what to do with myself.  Do you even know what it felt like to be able to sit in my own kitchen in the middle of the day?  It literally gave me a panic attack the first time!  I had no idea what that felt like before.  

And the reason I hide from her isn't just because she's asking me to cook for her (because I normally cooked every single day, even though she asks me every single day, as though I'm not going to do it), it's because she's full of criticism, bossing me around, coming up with stupid decisions she's informing me of (like "OH, I was thinking, we need to get a patio out back.  Let's call someone about that!"--and I'm all like "Oh yeah, who'd going to pay for that?  You've maxed out your credit card, so I have no idea how that's going to happen!" Just kidding.  I didn't say that.  I'd just nod and say "sure" and try to ignore whatever else she said about it), or some kind of obsessive thought she'd be having at the moment (I've noticed she's sooooooo obsessive about things, even if we've already talked about it, though this may be her dementia getting worse, though I think this may just be how her brain works, as she's always been somewhat like this).  

But I've replaced all the things that needed replacing (mostly).  And got pretty much everything done that needed to get done before she gets back and now I have around 1-2 weeks before she comes back.  I hope it's 2 weeks, but who knows.  

On top of all of that stress (there was a LOT to do), I freaking cut my esophagus on food, so it's hard to swallow...and pulled a muscle around my back to my chest from shoveling.  So I am feeling all sorts of anxiety and pain and annoyance with those things LOL  (I get severe anxiety due to unexplained physical pain and when my body feels weird).  And after a large amount (read: years) of investigating my pain and other physical issues, I most likely have ME (a fancy term for chronic fatigue syndrome).  I already knew I have fibromyalgia, and ME goes hand in hand with it.  And I've been having a horrible flare-up, which has made my anxiety 100x worse, so it's been all sorts of fun lately.  At least ma ain't here to make things worse.

I am not set up to be a caretaker.  Not for someone I don't like.  I would take care of my kids or hubby, absolutely.  But I am not a natural born caretaker.  I can easily run your finances, pay your bills, get your meds ready, keep you physically safe, and keep you fed.  But I am not your buddy, I can't lift you or bathe you or change your diapers or do anything of the sort.  I hate babysitting other people's kids (they literally drain me and I will fall asleep, so don't leave your kids with me! ha!), and I am not set up for actually having to do much more than I already am.  She said on the phone to me yesterday "What if I need to be a wheelchair full-time?  You'll have to move things for me!"  I said "When you are in a wheelchair full-time, you will be living somewhere else."  She did NOT like me saying that.  She thinks I'm going to take care of her until death.  Even though we already talked about that I am NOT changing her diapers (she told me "You're going to have learn how to change diapers!" I said "No I'm not.  You'll need a full-time caregiver then.  I am not a full-time caregiver.").  For some reason she's forgotten (read: by choice) about that conversation and now she thinks this is still a permanent thing.  Yeah, she's not going to like any of this. 

Never mind the fact the hubs and I have a plan to get our credit score up to where it needs to be so we can buy our own place and put her in a home ASAP.  Because I cannot deal with her anymore.  None of us can. 

So her coming home will be a intermission until she goes to a nursing home/assisted living home.  Because we're on our own track that doesn't involve her attempted verbal and emotional abuse daily (and given the right scenario, physical..she's been known to physically attack people when enraged).  And I refuse to spend my life doing something I don't want to do anymore.  I've done it too much already.  And you have to earn it.  My mother has nothing but the opposite.  I find her rude, appalling, cruel, mean, ignorant, racist, homophobic, manipulative, and too dumb for me to be able to have a decent conversation with.  And no, her dementia is not what makes her dumb, she's honestly dumb.  I have no other way to put it (and why should I be nice about it?).  She's unintelligent.  Her IQ is low.  She doesn't understand basic things and never has.  If it were just dementia, I'd be fine having pretend conversations with her.  But I've done that for my ENTIRE LIFE.  So I'm done.  

Break almost over.  Then it's time for the intermission.  And then it's time to move forward. 

Feels great to have a plan with a end goal in sight.  Otherwise I'd feel this living situation would go on forever and I'd fall into a deep depression.

Phew.