I'd rather my mother said nothing than praise me.  For any reason, whatsoever, even if I actually did or made something good.  When a narcissist praises someone, it comes from a place of selfishness, not a place of real compassion.  They are trying to make themselves look good, feel good, feel better, or they're copying others who are praising you, so they don't look bad.  But also, it can come from a real place where they are grateful for what you did.  Like tonight: I gave my mother leftover soup I made the other day.  And she ate two bowls (again) of it and cannot stop praising me for how delicious it is.  And it is goddammed delicious.  But praise from her means not only nothing, but it brings out anger in me.  

Earlier today, she asked me to buy her Wheat Thins.  I get to the store, and they are all out of them.  Like for real, the entire section was bare.  But she also asked for a HUGE thing of hot chocolate, which I said no to.  Because the crazy old coot has diabetes!  And she wants sugar hot chocolate, not sugar-free (she refuses sugar free anything, pretty much).  So I felt bad and found a tiny box of raspberry hot chocolate for her and bought that (rather than a huge bin of it).  So we get home and my son tells her about the crackers, but then adds we got her raspberry hot chocolate and she screams at the top of her lungs like a baby "I WANT WHEAT THINS!!!"  So I screamed back from the kitchen "YOU ARE WELCOME FOR WHAT WE DID BUY YOU!"  And she never said thank you.  So I never gave it to her and will not.  If she asks for it tomorrow?  I will say my son barfed on it (for real, he's barfed twice tonight, we found out he's allergic to shrimp).  

Oh, I forgot, before we left, she threatened if we came home without wheat thins we'd have to go back to the store and get them.  There is a snowstorm outside.  The fuck we were.  She also threatened me about the hot chocolate, too, that she'd get a friend to bring her some and I said "Well, I tell your ONE friend not to do it because she would be helping to put you in a diabetic coma".  She said her friend would do it anyways.  So I said she has bad friends.  Then my husband brought up the fact that my mother also buys her friend and her friend's husband tons of sweets, even though they are both also diabetic.  So I said I guess none of them are grown up enough to know how to treat each other.  Which is the damn truth. 

But when she praises my cooking, it's usually only over one thing she LOOOOVVVVVEEESSS.  Just like my painting.  I did a Bob Ross painting of a waterfall and she not only coveted it, she stole it from her (when I went no contact with her in 2016, I had to get into her house while she was gone and steal it back).  But all my other paintings she could not give two shits about.  So how does really, really praising one thing I do or make, and only semi or not at all praising the rest, give any credence to that praise of that one thing?  It doesn't.  And it pisses me off when it happens.  

I bust my ass every single day making dinner for my house.  And every day she says "Thank you for the dinner, it was real good."  But she says that every single day, in a very monotone voice.  It's just something she says to say thank you.  And I am fine with that.  Even when I do bust my ass more one some days than others.  It doesn't matter.  But when she LOVES something, she won't shut up about it.  Like, over the top, to the point of saccharine sweet fakeness.  And I am sure she means it, but it's either a) she doesn't know how to properly praise someone or b) she's pushing it so hard to prove something to me, but mostly to herself.  Like she's surprised she's capable of actually liking something so much because she's usually horribly negative about everything.  I think it's both.  I think she goes over the top because she has no idea how to be positive at all.  So she flies right past normal and heads right into "fake sounding' territory, all because she wants everyone to know she actually likes something.  

But other times, she's just lying.  

So when you have someone like that in your life, getting compliments means nothing to you.  Or it brings up negative feelings because you don't know what to make of it.  

Like I said, it's better to get no compliments than any at all, because it either all is fake or sounds fake.  But to me, it makes no difference.  It's all a manipulation anyways.  

Ugh.  I just want a normal life again where I don't have to worry about stupid stuff like this.  But one day, she'll be in a home a home and we'll go back to being normal again.  Until then, I just have to do my best to ignore it all.  Or find a way to laugh at it.