Recently, all I've been talking about is all my mom's negative behavior.  Much of which is just crap I let bother me when I don't have to.  But winter sucks for me.  I get seasonal affective disorder, and I tend to retreat to inside of myself.  Lately, it's been seriously bad.  And I can't take anti-depressants because I either react badly to them or they just don't work.  So I've been literally fighting with my own brain to stop the downward spiral of negative thoughts.  And it's been hell.  Ooh, I should ask my doctor about one of those lights for SAD.  Maybe that would help?  Also, remembering to take my vitamin D properly (something I've been doing better with as of lately) will help, as low vitamin D can cause depression (which may be the entire reason people get SAD in the first place).  But I've been taking it the past three weeks, so in another week I can get a blood test and see if I need to be upped or not.  

Oh, and lack of exercise.  But when you're tired and in pain all the time (both symptoms of low vitamin D), who wants to move around?  But today I'm going to use my exercise bike while I play some video games.  And hopefully I'll be able to do that every day and start to feel better.  

So before you get on meds for your SAD, get your vitamin D levels checked.  

Another issue is that I seem to be having a flare up that includes both extreme amounts of pain and feeling mentally and emotionally overwhelmed.  Again, could be vitamin D related, which is something I never thought of before.  I'll just keep taking my meds and see what happens.  I use Daylio the app to record every single symptom and to write if something strange happens (or when something good happens, too!).  I love that app.  

Also, I've been going through my stats and seeing what are some of the posts that people have read lately and one that's been showing up is about IFS.  I am very passionate about IFS and this winter, I've been getting out of everything I was once passionate about.  To the point sometimes I completely forget I even was passionate about that something to begin with.  It's so annoying.  But that's why I love blogging.  I have a written record to be my memory instead of my silly brain (I have ADHD and aspergers, too, so my brain gets honed in on a thing, then I get out of it and move onto something else and sometimes forget the other thing I was into--I honestly hate that part of how my brain works).  It keeps me on a more even keel than if I don't blog.  

Funny, I could never really keep a journal.  I did a little bit here and there, but blogging?  I could blog forever, and probably will.  I love writing about my thoughts and ideas on a computer as opposed to a journal (my hands grip pens and pencils too hard, so my hand always gets so damn tired--ever since childhood), as well as my life experiences.  It's my thing.  So is creating, but sometimes I am too mentally overwhelmed to create.  But I can always write.  And since I have ADHD, I write on a myriad of subjects.  Unlike with creating, if I get all ADHD about it, I make a freaking mess.  I hate messes anymore.  I really do.  And I am a very messy person when I create.  The worst part of it is losing stuff I just used, because my brain cannot put things back in a way that makes sense to find it again.  It's something I've been working on for years, but I still haven't mastered it.  So most of the time, I just don't create anymore.  I got so used to it, it literally gives me anxiety to make stuff again when I do it.  I have to push past it though, since my brain is flooded with creative ideas and I need to finish them (I do not tolerate the old way of me putting something half-finished away and starting something new anymore).  I have to just push past the anxiety and get it done.  Which is what I am doing, but it's not easy.  Especially not with SAD on top of it all.  

See, another thing?  Writing is safe.  Creating means several things my brain hates: deadlines (even if self-imposed), mess of supplies (mostly to clean up when I am done for the day--I used to not clean up, as I had an art studio, but I have to now, as we live in a small house and I use my bed as a place to store stuff while I work), massive amounts of pain (for some freaking reason, every time I create for long periods of time anymore, my body revolts and puts me in huge amounts of pain, which makes me have to clean up as fast as I can so I can lay down, which is why I hate the mess it makes--which is also why I work in tiny increments now, instead of long marathons), and just the sheer amount of energy it takes to make things.  Writing takes NO energy (other than a little brain energy), makes NO mess, and causes me NO pain, unless I'm already in pain, so in that case, I just don't write.  Writing is safe.  Writing is easy.  Also, if I write something to sell?  I don't care if it doesn't sell.  I don't have to store it anywhere, other than on a hard drive or the internet.  It doesn't take up space in my house.  If I try to sell my creations, I have to store them.  And when moving here, I had a BUNCH of clothing I made for my store, and guess what?  My mother's cat PISSED all over them.  All that time, all that mess, all that energy, all that money I spent on creating on them, and BAM!  Just like that, GONE!  And entire stack of clothes.  I am still so angry about that that I can't bring myself to make more.  Yes, I am holding a grudge about the cat LOL  Not really.  I am holding a grudge about my work being gone.  And because tangible items have a shelf-life.  They can be so easily ruined, so why make them?  

Because I love it.  That's why.  But still.  

I know, I know, I'm all Buddhisty (can't you tell?) and yet I can't handle some level of impermanence.  I need to join those monks and make those intricate sand mandalas, just to wipe them away when done.  Like kids building sandcastles.  Though as a kid, you don't think about how it won't last.  It's usually still there when you leave.  Let some bully come and knock it down and the kids will be crying.  Is that immaturity?  To think everything should last?  To think that what you create doesn't have a shelf-life?  Or that it's somehow more important than life itself, the one thing we know doesn't last?  "I create, therefore it's important."  But if someone else makes something and it breaks, it may affect us if we bought it, but again, we mourn the money we lost, not so much the item we lost (though sometimes the items is special and we mourn that instead).  Wow.  Humans are so selfishly arrogant most of the time.  I guess that's the human way.  

Which is why I'm semi-Buddhist.  I want to overcome my programming.  I want to be okay with impermanence.  I want to be less arrogant.  I want to be here now, rather than always thinking about the past (haha, says the blogger who writes to remember the past) or worrying about the future.  I used to do really well with this, but like I said, my brain wanders off and I find something else to think about and it just goes out the window.  I have to constantly fight my brain on everything.  It's so tedious.  I jsu just want to be normal.  

Another thing I've started is Noom.  And my own programming is so hardwired into me, that I want to throw it out the window.  I used to be skinny and I hated myself and thought I was fat (I had body dysmorphia and anorexia).  Now I am fat, due to a) my genes, b) my two mirenas (I gain 30lbs with each insert), and c) my hypothyroidism and other medical issues that cause me to be so inactive.  I mean, nobody needs to explain their body shapes to anyone.  But I am just writing that in case you can relate.  But being fat runs in my genes, man, as my entire female side of my family is chubby.  I personally have lost 30lbs on my own.  But not in a good way.  I did cut my calories but asking a person with anorexic tendencies to count calories causes them to just stop eating.  So yeah, I need something healthier.  But the tediousness of logging all my food?  God, I've tried that before, and I really, really, really hate it.  It overwhelms me to the core.  So I don't know if I want to spend almost $200 for something I most likely cannot do.  Ugh.  But I'll try this week trial and see what happens.  I just hope I remember to shut it off before I get charged.  Ugh.  

Okay, gonna go try the bike/video game combo thing and see if it works.  I'm so freaking tired these past few days (meaning of these flareups I get occasionally) but maybe exercising will help that, too?  I hope so.  Because last time this happened was December 2020 and it lasted for a whole week.  I just want it go away.  I like feeling awake.  Okay, time to go ride.