I wrote about this before.  About how I hate when she pretends to care about me.  I'd rather her be a bitch, because at least I know that's her being honest.  But when she puts on her mock voice, her "too high-pitched" tone, her fake voice, the one that says "Aw, are you okay?" in that condescending tone.  I hate that so fucking much.  

Remember when I said I found her list for Family Dollar the other day?  So I went out to Family Dollar on St. Patrick's Day (no reason, just happened to be that day) and bought her everything, except the stuff she isn't allowed to have.  And on that list was "cleaner with bleach".  And she knows damn well she can't use that in this house because of my allergies.  But her BFF Christmas came over and literally addressed that, because some idiot was in her house using bleach, knowing damn well she can't tolerate it (she has the same allergies as me), so she left and came to our house.  And Christmas is a repeater, so she said it over and over again.  And last night I was making pizza and my mother comes in with her new nail polish on that I bought her and shoved them in my face and said in her high-pitched fake voice "Oh no!!  I didn't even think about it!  Did the smell bother you?"  I just looked at her because I was making pizza and didn't know what she was talking about.  So I said "What?"  She said "Putting on my nail polish."  I just laughed because I was angry that now all of a sudden, my allergies are valid.  

I mean, fuck all the other times I caught her with bleach in the house and I yelled at her about it (she knew she wasn't supposed to use it).  Fuck all the times she smokes and then comes in and hangs around me on purpose so I can smell it.  Fuck all the times she uses Febreeze and other stinky air fresheners, even though SHE has no sense of smell.  Fuck all the times she puts on perfume before we leave the house.  Fuck all of that.  None of those times of me crying out to her "Please, please, please do not use these fragrances because they make me sick!!!"  FUCK ALL OF THOSE TIMES.  Because now Christmas has issues with bleach, so therefore how I feel is now valid, too.  

This triggers another thing in me, too.  Her brother had type 1 diabetes and she knew as a hard rule that he had to eat lunch at a certain time every single day, otherwise he'd get sick.  I, on the other hand, have hypoglycemia and also have to eat the same time every single day, or else I get sick, too (like throwing up, passing out, horrible low blood sugar symptoms).  But FUCK ME.  She would force me to get up at some ungodly hour to go grocery shopping with her, knowing damn well a) I didn't have enough money to buy my own groceries for my family and b) I didn't have a 2nd car at the time to get to the store.  Then she'd drag me around ALL FUCKING DAY to wherever she wanted to shop (I had no idea she was spending all her money and not paying rent at the time), and lunch time would blow right past, and I would start getting sick.  And she would refuse to let me eat.  I had to do whatever she liked, and not make a fuss, or else she would not buy my family groceries (and a few times, she humiliated me by not doing so, even though that's why she had me go with her--she'd wait until I was in line to say "Oh, I hope you have money because I don't have enough for you", and I'd have to go put everything back--she did that to teach me a lesson, to say "I can and will do this to you, so therefore you must do exactly what I want, or else").  So I'd never make a fuss while I was having horrible low blood sugar issues.  She loved to have that kind of control over me.  To be able to make me sick and I'd have to let her.  How psycho is that? 

It makes me feel so horrible to think about that.  

But that's what it triggers.  Because FUCK ME and my issues.  They aren't real.  They don't matter.  And I swear to fucking god, if she brings it up again soon?  And I will say "Oh, you mean you all of a sudden give a shit about my allergies??  Because you were just going to buy cleaner with bleach when you know I can't tolerate it.  Or how about the time I caught you in MY bathroom, using bleach on my floor, after I explicitly told you to never use that in the house again?  I had to take all the cleaners away from you because of your behavior, but now you're understanding because Christmas brought it up?  Thanks so much."  I have zero to fear from her anymore (even though I live in fear every single day of her behavior still), so I can say whatever I like.  I'm not an asshole, so I am nice to her, but I don't need to pretend anymore.  I don't need to pretend that her behavior is okay.  Because it's not.  And calling her out on her shit won't change her, but it will make me feel better.  

Now we bought a car (it'll be delivered tomorrow) and I don't know if we'll be able to afford buying a house (although, I may give up my mother's car to compensate for it). We need to pay that car off ASAP.  Hopefully I'll be able to sell my stuff on my store and make some money soon.  Let's hope.  

Also, my hubby may be getting a promotion soon.  But also he may not.  He heard they're putting a freeze on positions at work, for who knows how long.  Ugh.  Right when he'd be able to apply for a better job there.  Sigh.  Oh well, we'll have to do what we have to in order to make this all work.  Having three cars with only two drivers makes no sense (I do drive, but not without a licensed driver, as I have medical issues and anxiety).  So giving up her car may be the best idea.  I'll have to talk to my hubby about this when he gets home.  But we have 7 days after tomorrow to see if we like the car (we got it from Carvana), and maybe we won't.  But if we do, I think giving my mother's car back to the bank is the best idea, since she has dementia and cannot drive anyways.  That would knock half of our car payment off.  Well, a little less than half.  Ugh.  

ASAP, that's our goal.  Just gather up that money and pay that shit off LOL  

And then our credit score should be pretty great by then, so we can start looking for a house.  Well, after he gets a promotion.  Goodness, I just want to leave here.  So freaking much.  I want my life back again.  In a week, it'll be two years since we moved in together here.  And four since moving above her.  And 11 years since living on the same street as her.  TWICE.  Geezus.  I am so done with this shit.  

I need to start exercising.  I can feel my depression setting in like crazy.  And I don't like this one bit.  Maybe if I exercise more I'd not think about her silliness so much?  Okay, off to get on the exercise bike LOL