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Narcissists are like dogs (but not completely)

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Having a narcissist parent that you're taking care of in your life is like training a dog.  You have to know the dog's temperament and what they're capable of (like how far they will take things to get their own way and how much training works for them and what kind of training works for them).  All dogs are different.  You also have to know how much walkies they need.  Sometimes they need lots of walkies, sometimes they need only a little.  And how many treats they need to comply and adhere to your boundaries.  And also how much discipline they need to learn their lessons for their bad behavior.  

But dogs love us conditionally.  Dogs, even if they are stubborn, they still want to do their best and want to do right by us, even if it's hard for them to do.  They want to please us.  

Take my dogs for example: 

I have a Jacked-Russel/beagle mix, and a Pomeranian.  My jack-a-bee is a doofus.  He's 18 months old and does all that puppy stuff that older puppies do.  He has a mind of his own and does as he pleases, but at the same time, he's sorry for when he's bad.  He loves us more than life itself, and when we're angry with him for doing bad things (and he does some very bad things sometimes) he will run to us and lower his head in shame and hug us and "apologize".  My Pom does not apologize, but he's six and sweet and has his own bad behavior to overcome.  He listens to different correction methods than his brother (what works on one DOES NOT work on the other), but both dogs desperately want us to love them and be happy with them.  I love my dogs like family members (we recently lost three of them earlier this year) and even if they do bad things, we all know that dogs are are just instinctual animals and they don't do bad things on purpose to hurt us.  They do them because they can't help it.  And that's what makes them different than narcissists.  Narcs want to hurt us.  They want to spread their misery wherever they go.  You know why?  Because narcissists know if they keep us miserable, we are easier to control.  


So, I've learned that even though, at their core, dogs are better than narcissists (because a narcissist's core is rotten), narcissists can be treated like dogs (in a good way, not in a derogatory way--which is so rude against dogs that that's a derogatory sentence) because they behave like them.  And I think that's the secret to dealing with a narcissist.  To treat them as though they are a pet.  Or, at least some kind of rabid feral animal that you found that you're rehabbing it so it can be adopted out or kept at the zoo.  

So, here is how to do it:  

  1. Figure out what breed they are.  Knowing the breed of your dog is important in understanding their behavior traits.  What's normal for them?  If you know this now, then you won't be caught by surprise later.  Also, knowing their traits means you can head certain things off at the pass before they even happen.  One of my mother's traits is that she's a shopaholic.  It's not specific to her breed, but definitely to her temperament.  So, I know that a) I need to give her cash when shopping so that she can only spend what she has and can't ask for more and b) due to her issue where if you let her do something once, she will want it more and more and more, I can't let her go shopping more than once a month, otherwise she will never stop asking to go to the store to buy nonsense.  So, we have boundaries put in place to keep this addiction curbed and to keep our bank account safe.  My mother's actual breed is a "covert communal narcissist".  She derives all her narcissistic supply by communing with others.  She used to have a "gang" of old ladies she controlled and would use each one for supply until they were used up, and then she'd move onto the next.  She is nothing without her admirers.  Want to figure out your narcissist's breed?  Click here (and google "types of narcissists"): Types of Narcissists
  2. Once you know their breed, get to know their temperament.  Not all animals in the same breed act the same way.  So take your narcissist and make a list of all their issues.  Also know that their "good" traits are just manipulations to get people to do what they want, so make a list of those, too.  Once you have that down, now you have a clear picture of the narcissist in your life and how they work.  If you need more info on how your narcissist acts, check out the book "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene.  I bet you'll find several behaviors in there that fit your narcissist.  Also, check out all the different types of personality tests out there and see which ones fit your narcissist, too.  This is a helpful tool for you to understand them and the more you understand them, the less you'll take their behaviors personally.  And it will help you deal with them now and the future.  
  3. Figure out what rewards and discipline works.  Now, training a narcissist with rewards is different than a dog.  A dog gets treats for listening.  A narcissist gets rewards to keep them misbehaving.  Since a narcissist cannot actually be trained to be a good boy or a good girl, you have to just keep them happy so they don't act like fools.  Do they respond to treats?  To walkies?  To extra communing time with others?  What puts them in a good mood?  And what puts them in a bad mood?  What makes they lash out and bite?  What are they not good with?  Make a list of both.  Then experiment to see how long they can stay good, and in turn, what makes them turn bad again?  It could be just their temperament, but also it could be external issues as well.  Have they been too long without walkies?  I know my mother gets ants in her pants when this happens.  If I take too long to take her shopping (her only hobby), she will get bitey and start calling her friends and start lying to them about how horrible I am.  So, I have to taker her out for walkies regularly, otherwise she starts biting me.  I also have to provide weekly treats, and buy her toys as needed.  If I don't, she will get riled up and start acting out.  As for discipline, I can't verbally tell her no or verbally tell her anything.  She won't listen.  The only discipline that works for her is action.  If she gets into the cupboards and takes all the treats without asking?  I have to lock the cupboards.  If she refuses to take her leash with her and goes for actual walkies on her own without telling anyone, I have to lock up the things that are enticing her to do so (like the mailbox and the garbage cans).  Just like I have to put up a tarp on my fence to keep my dogs from going nuts every single time a person walks by, I am alleviating an issue by stopping their access to it.  And, just like a dog, you can give too many rewards, otherwise they will turn into vortexes of insatiable black holes of wants.  Ever give your dog so many treats that they constantly ask for more treats?  Yup.  That's exactly what happens with a narcissist.  So, you have to experiment: how long can you go between rewards without all hell breaking loose?  And when they do act up in between, how much discipline do they respond to without having to get another reward?  It's a balancing act and one you may not be up for.  Which is a good thing, because in all honesty it's a complete waste of time, as it will never get better.  But, if you have to do it, then this is how to do it right to alleviate as much strive in your life as possible.  Discipline for them is you forcing your boundaries.  So, come up with something that they listen to (experiment with different things).  Like, are they embarrassed easily?  Put them on blast.  My mother doesn't respond to my words.  In fact, she will do exactly the opposite of what I tell her immediately upon me saying it.  But she responds to notes.  Post-its placed where she needs to remember a boundary so everyone in the house can see it works perfectly for her.  Now she knows that everyone in the house knows she's breaking a boundary and it embarrasses her into submission.  "Please lock back door".  "Don't forget to wash your hands with soap after using the toilet".  "Keep this door closed at all times".  Etc.  
  4. So, you know their breed, their temperament, you know what rewards and punishments works, then you can move onto a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly schedule.  Now, I have ADHD and I do NOT do schedules.  BUT, I use Google Calendar and a notepad app in my phone to write in "Take YOS to resale store this week".  "Clean the stove".  "Pick up gardening equipment for YOS".  "Get YOS some fudge bars".  Etc. etc.  I keep track of when I should dole out rewards (not too little, not too much--that Goldilocks zone).  Oh, and YOS is the name I use in my phone for her.  It stands for "Ye Olde Seahag".  Nobody know this but me and my hubby.  And you.  Now you know.  So ssssh!  She's not my mother, so I don't know what to call her when I type about her, so I call her by her most innate core nature: a crinkled, wrinkled, old, smoking, hate spewing seahag who sounds like a bag of dicks blowing in the wind--if you cup your ear just right as a breeze rushes through your yard, you can hear her complaining, as she's always complaining about something (just kidding, she sounds like a crusty old Lindsey Lohan, or a confused version of Ms. LaBonz on Bob's Burgers).  But if you keep track of your rewards, you'll be more apt to hit that Goldilocks zone and stay there.  Sure, it'll be off now and then, but just keep moving back and forth between discipline and rewards.  Now, they will act up after getting a reward, know that.  You just have to pull back with boundaries as quick as you can.  Yesterday my hubby took my mom shopping at her favorite store.  Today?  She's all up everyone's ass to the point want to scream at her.  So, my hubby had to get firm with her say "Listen here YOS, you need to leave me alone while I do my work!"  No, he didn't call her YOS, he called her by her real name.  But up until today, she's been leaving everyone alone while they do yardwork.  But today, she's all hopped up on Big Dick energy (cause she's a big dick, get it??!) and wants to be intrusive in everyone's business.  So, we had to give her a little discipline and tell her straight out to quit.  Not meanly, no swearing or rude words, just firm and a little louder than normal, so she knew he meant it.  
  5. Always remember, there is NEVER need to be abusive back to them.  You can yell, sure, but make sure you're only yelling when it's needed.  Like my shitty therapist who gave me two pieces of good advice, once said "Rate the issue between 1-10.  Anything 5 and over, address."  I would say the closer it gets to a 10, the more you are valid in yelling at them.  But I hope they don't get to a 10 that often.  Because yelling doesn't do anything to them.  It just makes them happy to rile you up that much.  It only helps YOU feel better.  Though sometimes, you have to yell to get your point across, just like with a dog (though don't have arguments with your dog, they will usually win).  But only if you have to.  I know a lot of people are SO FED UP with their narc parents' behavior that they yell all the time, BUT know if they are driving you that crazy?  You no longer need to be in their lives.  Being abusive back to them, while it may make you feel better for two seconds, can get you in a load of trouble.  AND it will make you look like the jerk, when they are the actual jerks.  So, if you can't be nice or calm?  Walk away and funnel that anger into something productive, like killing a bunch of plants that may or may not be theirs.  Just kidding....or am I?  Really though, funnel that anger into creating something: art, writing, woodworking, building something, or fixing something around the house.  OR exercise or sports.  Believe me, those things will make you feel so much better than swearing at a crazy person.  
So, get all your information together, work out your boundaries (discipline) and what you'll use to keep them happy (their rewards) and then set a loose (or tight) schedule to work from.  Having this all planned out will make you feel so much better and make you feel like you have so much more control of your own life.  You can also work out babysitters (if you're their caretaker) so you can go out and have some fun without the crazy in your life.  Remember, narcissists are not dogs, because dogs are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better than they are.  BUT, you can kind of use the training methods you use for dogs to help corral your narcissist into being quiet for a bit.  But please, do not think you can crate train them--mostly because they won't fit in a crate, but also because I think that would be illegal.  And maybe a little morally wrong.  

But remember, nothing is 100% foolproof.  This is just a small strategy to help your peace of mind.  Though I will say, if this doesn't help, even a little?  Your narcissist may be too volatile and unpredictable and possibly even too dangerous for you to be around (mentally, physically, financially, etc.).  So, my advice then?  Is to go 100% no contact and go live your life as best you can elsewhere.  Because if you can't even get a moment's peace?  What's the point of having the in your life at all?  It's like living with a rabid dog that you know is rabid, but the rabies can never be cured.  Nobody would willingly choose to live that way.  So why are you?  You deserve better, my friend. We all do.  

Okay, off to make YOS her dinner.  Gotta feed the beast to lead the beast, if you know what I mean.  Just kidding, I just made that up and it rhymed, so I don't even know what it means.  I'm weird today.  Later.  

Oh, and don't forget to be the reason someone smiles today, even if that person is you <3  






About Post Author

Living life with with a narcissistic parent is one of the hardest things a child can do. Because narcissism doesn't stop with mom and dad, it usually bleeds through the entire extended family dymanic. And the abuse travels with us into adulthood, usually either until the narcissist dies or we go no contact. And usually, our abuse is never talked about, for fear of retaliation or judgment. So I am breaking my silence and showing the world what my mother's abuse looks like so maybe others will feel strong enough to do the same.

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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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