We were at our local resale shop and I thought, for the second time this summer (although right now it's meteorological fall) that I thought I saw him again.  The first time was at the concert we went to (an old classmate of mine was performing).  At that concert I had THREE issues of seeing someone I thought I knew (all three were men/boys who had attacked me or nearly attacked me).  One was my rapist (the 19 year old boy who raped me when I was 14), one was my uncle (the one who I think molested me), and the guy who tried to rape and/or murder me when I was 19 and working at a movie store (he thought I was alone).  That particular guy's doppleganger thought I was alone at the concert and tried to walk with me and backed off when my husband and kids came for me).  I had had three instances of PTSD flashbacks that night.  And the music wasn't great either, it was kind of boring, so it wasn't really a fun night for me.  Although, it was nice to get out and do something with my family--despite the PTSD flashbacks. 

But the other day, we were at the resale and shop and right next my husband stood my rapist.  My heart skipped a beat and I felt like I couldn't breathe right.  But I forced myself to go right up to him and look at him in his face.  It wasn't him.  But from the back it sure looked like him.  Not like he looked back then, but now.  I know what he looks like now because he lives in my town and I look him up now and again to make sure he still looks the same, in case I run into him.  I haven't looked him up years, but this summer, I thought I saw him twice.  Neither one was him, nor was the other man my dead uncle or the other, my attacker (he was far too young...but man, he looked and acted JUST LIKE HIM--so much so that it was creepy as fuck).  

I don't like flashblacks.  I have them a lot, though.  For so many reasons.  I just wish my brain could remember certain things.  I wish it could tell me the things I want to know.  Like, if my abuser was my uncle or someone else (or and someone else).  I want to know these things.  I want to remember.  Though I am getting close to being ready to accept that my father my have been my abuser (and/or/too), which would answer so many questions I have.  One being, can a grown man have a book on sexually abusing children and not actually abuse their child?  Is that even possible?  The man was a porn addict and did not have sex with my mother (nor did he like her affection).  He had VHS porn, magazines, and sexually explicit books.  Like, masses of them all.  HUGE boxes stuffed in their closet.  And within the book collection, he had a book on molesting little kids (I can't understand in what universe something like that could be published, even back then).  He didn't have magazines or any nude photos of kids.  But that book was explicit enough and horrible.  AND I had a dream as a child (or was it a dream or a distant memory) of me being 3 years old and stripped of my clothes with my BFF Eddie (we both were in our underwear) and we were in a basement, sitting up on something and someone was circling us, and we were terrified.  Obviously something happened to me, because I was WAY too young to dream something like that or to even realize something like that could happen.  Also, I remember the light of the basement.  It was twilight and there were no lights on.  And for most of my life, I have been terrified of being a room during twilight with no lights on.  That grey/blue hue that enters a room right after dusk.  It sickens me and always has.  Something happened in a basement with my BFF at three years old at dusk.  Or something similar happened that I dreamed about it later.  I can't remember.  

I try to talk to my inner children, the wounded exiles (in IFS) that are being protected by not letting me remember.  But if they would just trust me enough as a 46 year old adult, to know that I can protect that little me from more pain, then I could help her heal.  But I have no idea how to remember.  I think I am going to try some self-hypnosis and see how that goes.  My old therapist was going to use hypnosis on me, but never did.  Now I will be losing my insurance and won't be able to get a therapist anymore.  Sigh.  I signed up but they're all booked out for months and now I am losing my insurance.  Freaking annoying. 

Well, I guess just some self work is in order if I can't get therapy.  Time to break out my IFS cards and all my guided journals and see if I can find some self hypnosis scripts I can use.  It's not what I wanted, but it's better than doing nothing.  

When I think of my uncle's face (I always think of his weird ass face and his prickly stubble when I think of him), I want to fucking throw up.  I just wish I could remember if he did something, or maybe his oldest son?  I have too many weird memories of men and boys doing weird things with me, things I cannot explain as an adult.  

I just hate not being able to remember.