Well, the whole "forgiving my mother" thing I haven't really been active with...minus the fact that I do see her dementia causing her to do things she normally doesn't do (like forgetting how to make oatmeal) and it makes me sad.  But beyond that, she's been annoying the hell out of me by asking other people to take her to her appointments other than my husband.  No reason.  She just don't want to "put him out".  It's freaking irritating.  Thank goodness my son's sleeping schedule got messed up other she'd be bothering him at 7:30 am to take her to her lab appointment tomorrow.  

My son will NEVER take my mother anywhere, unless I come with.  She's a horrible person to him and has been for his entire life and he's made the decision to never go anywhere with her.  Not even with us as a family.  Oh boy, I tried to take her to a garden place with us and he had a total meltdown about it.  I couldn't have been more proud :)  

For real.  He's a very forgiving person and has always thought I was harsh in the way I treat people (I have boundaries--he used to not have them for himself).  But now he has built boundaries with her and now never wants anything to do with her hasn't for over a year.  I think last May for Mother's Day and her birthday was his last straw.  We do everything for her.  EVERYTHING.  And she had the nerve to shit-talk my husband to her BFF Christmas and because of that (I heard her when she did it), my mother didn't get any gifts that month for anything.  No Mother's Day or birthday gifts, no cards.  Nothing.  I was so freaking angry.  And my son saw just how toxic she was, that nobody was safe from her wrath and he's been done with her ever since.  

And I don't blame him.  

She thinks he will take her to get her haircut, to her appointments, etc.  Like her little personal chauffeur.  And she needs to stop, as he'll never once take her anywhere, ever again.  I am proud of him for sticking to his guns.  Also, she gives him extreme anxiety.  And he's been super anxious lately.  So, I am not going to make anything worse for him by asking him to take her places (plus, I wouldn't ask him anyways).  She just thinks we're all at her beck and call.  And we're not.  My husband takes her to her appointments, and I come with if she needs a haircut or has to go somewhere special (like a funeral, which is why she's getting her haircut, her old friend died and his funeral is soon).  And that's it.  My other son doesn't drive and even if he did, he wouldn't take her either.  

I am sorry, but how often did she take my kids places?  How many times did she have them over for dinner (when we all know she had enough food) or did a single thing for my kids???  I will bring that up to her one day.  Especially if she asks why they won't take her.  "I don't want my kids to take you anywhere."  She'll ask why and I'll say "Well, how often did you do anything for them?  How often did you promise to do things for them but never followed through?  How often did you take them places or hung out with them?  How many times did you ask them to come over to play a board game or watch a movie?  Even when they lived in your house with me?  How often did you just hang out with my kids?  Or take them to THEIR appointments?  Or even come with to their appointments?  Not once.  Never.  You took me to my appointments when I couldn't drive, not happily, buy you did sometimes.  And so I took you to all your appointments for years.  I even made them for you.  But you messed that up so now my husband takes you.  That's the only person who will ever take you to your appointments.  So stop asking!"  If she asks how she messed it up, I will say "You were rude to me and about me to the people we were seeing.  You treated me badly, so I stopped taking you."  

And that's that.  

In order to forgive my mother, I need to work on my anger towards her for the things she's done to me.  And I honestly have no idea if I can do that.  It took me TWELVE years after my father's death to forgive him and move on.  I think it may take that long with my own mother, too.  I don't think I can forgive her while living with her, and maybe not even while she's still here on earth.  My mother was horrible to me for longer than my father was.  And even though the things my father did were HUGE things (like a knife gashing me every so often), my mother's things she did were like little needles poking at me every single day of my life, over and over again.  Eventually those needle holes became huge gaping wounds that never stopped hurting and never stopped getting bigger.  

I want to forgive her for my own sake.  But how?  How can I when she's still poking me with needles every now and then?