Like I said before in my post about my kids going to Germany this coming summer, my kids got tickets to see Rammstein in their homeland (my kids are only a little German, but I meant the band's homeland).  And recently my mother had looked at me and said "Well, what are we going to do while their gone??  Your husband will be at work and we'll be all alone!!  We should plan to do some fun stuff!"  

Someone.  Please.  Help.  Me.  

I didn't want to tell her the truth.  I mean, I wish I could, but it would be rude and wrong and mean.  But at least it would be the truth.  I am not mean, rude, or cruel.  I am not her.  But here are the things I wish I could say to that request of hers:

• I can't hang out with you alone because you are not my safe person.  You CAUSE me anxiety, rather than calm it.  So I can't be alone with with you.  Like ever.  
• You are cruel.  You have been nothing but cruel to me and my oldest son since our births.  What makes you think that I want to hang out with my abuser?
• You only want to "hang out with me" so you can dictate what we do and control me, just like you used to back in the day.  I think you want to relive the "old days" with me, back when YOU were in charge of my life.
• What makes you think I'd ever want to spend a day alone with you, much less a week?  You have never apologized for one thing you've ever done wrong to me and you never once corrected the fact that you told everyone I was lying about the abuse I endured growing up in our household.  You've also never once apologized for telling all your friends that I was lying about being raped, when they shouldn't have even known about it in the first place.  You told them all I was a whore.  And now you deny ever saying it, because all but one person who heard it is dead,.  Tell me again why you think I'd even remotely like you after doing such shitty things?
• I don't like you.  I care about your well-being as a person, but I do not like you at all, much less love you.  Why would I want to have "girl-time" with an old, rude, cruel, and mean narcissist that I don't like?  
• Why would I choose to hang out with you over my husband?  Don't be an idiot.
• You always tell my youngest son that he needs to go to culinary school and be a chef when you see him cooking.  YET whenever you see my oldest cooking you tell him he's doing it wrong, just like you used to do with me.  Why would I want to hang out with a person who treats my children so shittily?  Also, you've never once said I should go to any school, ever, even when I showed promise as a musician or an artist.  So why do you say that him?  Oh, if I ever have the "pleasure" of hanging out with you alone one day?  I will bring that up and tell you how stupid you sound saying it.  Even my youngest son thinks it sounds fake as fuck.  
• I just can't wrap my head around why on earth you'd think, after all you've done to me, my kids, my husband, and everyone else in your life, that I'd want to spend a second with you??  You see me leave the room when you come into the room, and you know I don't like you.  So stop pretending we're buddies.  We never were.  You were my abuser who controlled everything we did together (even when I was a kid).  I didn't know any better back then.  And I will tell you that if ever bring the fact that we used to hang out all the time together.  
• No thank you.  
• *laughs incessantly*  Oh wait, you're serious?  Oh.  Sorry.  But no.  *leaves room*
• You made your bed with me.  You chose this.  The way I feel towards you now is your own fault.  Not mine.  I didn't do any of this.  I didn't do anything to you.  All I ever did was fail you, over and over, since I was old enough to think for myself.  Nothing I've ever done has been good enough for you.  But now I look back and realize I was trying to please a potato!  A potato cannot be pleased.  It's a freaking potato for goodness sake!  Why did I ever think that a potato could parent me, love me, or treat me well?  It's a potato!  Potatoes aren't capable of any of those things.  All they can do is be a potato.  Well, I am done hanging out with potatoes.  I am done trying to make starchy tuber happy.  And I feel so stupid that I ever cared what a potato thought of me.  Doesn't that sound crazy??  It sounds like a crazy person, doesn't it?  To try to make a potato happy or to make one proud of you?  That's crazy-making.  I am so done with that.  I am now only here to provide you with care: to keep you physically safe, feed you, clean up after you, wash your clothes, and provide a home for you to live in.  That's my job.  That's it.  By being a potato, you've proved that I am worth nothing to you unless you need me.  And that's not a mother-daughter relationship, now is it?  That's a caretaker/patient relationship.  So that's what we are.  And when you don't need the care I provide for you, I am free to do what I like.  I am under obligation to provide you with entertainment.  I am sorry if you don't see it this way, but this the exact way you made it.  I didn't create this dynamic between us, you did.  And because of that, we're not buddies.  We're not friends.  I am your caretaker.  If you need a friend, call your BFF Christmas.