Welcome to the first post of 2026!  And this year is all about exposing truths.  And our first truth is what "reverse narcissism" really is.  

If you haven't heard of "reverse narcissism", it isn't a clinical term, but it often refers to style of severe covert or "vulnerable narcissism", where individuals appear humble but secretly crave admiration; or inverted narcissism/echoism, where people excessively prioritize others' needs, neglecting their own, sometimes becoming self-sacrificing and enabling mistreatment.  The former is a real form of narcissism, where the latter?  Actually isn't.  Rather, it's just severe codependency/fawning (not that that is an excuse for allowing bad behavior/abuse).

What Reverse Narcissism Actually Is

Let's start with codependence, because that's where RN (reverse narcissism) starts.  Codependence in narcissism is described as "a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior, such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, toxic behavior, or under-achievement, but also loses themselves in the wants and needs of the narcissist".  

In narcissistic terms, codependents are the narcissist's "flying monkeys" and enablers that allow them to behave badly, which includes abuse.  In family dynamics, this usually is one parent (if both parents don't have NPD), or someone's sibling, or some other family member(s).  

But codependency is not the only aspect to this style of narcissistic behavior, but it is a core one.  Another aspect is the fact that the RN uses the narcissist for their own supply.  They can be just as manipulative, and they can enjoy the same things the narcissist does (manipulation, triangulation, gossip, harm to the target, exploitation, etc.), but usually not for the same reasons.  A narcissist enjoys these things because they have a deep-seated need to control, due to the fact that their operating system runs on dominance.  An RN controls because they have a deep-seated need to control, due to the fact that their operating system runs on connection.  And if that connection has a threat of being severed, their reaction may be the same as a narcissist's, but usually to a lesser degree and usually in a different way.  

Let's take my mother's best friend Christmas, for example.  I've talked about her quite a bit on here (just search her name in the search box), always pendulating between thinking she's an RN and not.  I now realize she is an RN, but not an actual narcissist.  See, Christmas, when my mother broke her connection to her over and over again (discarded her), she didn't act out, she didn't try to put my mother in jail (like the time my mom tried to put their other friend in jail just because the other friend forgot to take her out to dinner), or call and have her debit card turned off (like my mother did with me) or any other batshit crazy reaction.  But didn't go gentle into the night either.  She raged.  She reacted.  And she not only turned against her, but she started her own sort-of smear campaign against her (which my mother fully deserved).  And she chose me to be friend and started hanging out with me.  But the moment my mother wanted her back (meaning she cycled through all the other people), Christmas went running back, pooper-scooper in hand, to shovel all that shit back under the carpet, as though it never happened.  And I was the one who was discarded by both of them.   

See, they act the same, but don't have the same reactions, nor do they have the same motivations.  When my mother feels discarded, she's acting from a wound of abandonment (as all narcissists are), but that abandonment also means a loss of control and dominance.  Whereas when Christmas feels discarded, she's also acting from a wound of abandonment, but since she has actual empathy, she has limits to what she'll do in retaliation.  She's more likely to seek out others who have been hurt by the narcissist who hurt her and commiserate with them, whereas before, she could never see it, not until she was hurt herself.  

The blindness of an RN to a narc's behavior is not due to the same reason an actual narcissist will excuse another narcissist's behavior.  Here's how you can tell the difference between narcissistic RN or a strictly codependent RN: 

• a narcissist RN (a real reverse narcissist) will allow the bigger, badder narcissist to hurt you and not only join in, but they will hurt you on their own by either triangulating you, starting their own lies about you (usually to tell the bigger, badder narcissist), tearing you down, telling on you, or use other forms of abuse; their need to also dominate you can be pretty obvious.  
• a codependent RN (a pseudo-reverse narcissist) will allow the bigger, badder narcissist to hurt you (usually out of fear for their own safety or having their own trauma reactivated), but they have a conscience and empathy, and sometimes will try to defend you; they do not want to hurt you on their own (or at all), though sometimes they will still hurt you behind your back due to the fact they feel the need to be in the narcissist's good graces in order to not activate their abandonment wounds (they are using fawning as a survival strategy).