When my mother makes notes about what she's going to clean in my kitchen, I then run and clean it all before she can even think about trying.  Why do I do this?  Because.  My mother will use something to clean her toilet, and then use that same thing to clean my stove.  She's not allowed to clean my house because of that.  One time?  And I've written about this before.  She pulled a scrubbie out of my garbage, and then used it to wash the dishes.  I luckily caught it the same day and then pulled every single cup, dish, and bowl out of my cabinet and sanitized them.  And that was that.  She was no longer allowed to clean things in my kitchen.  

So, when I see her lists, I use that list to go clean everything on that list.  I am not trying to be mean to her.  I just cannot and will not allow her to make my house a dangerous place all because she's bored.  

The thing is, this was not her dementia that caused her to do these things.  Today?  I may suspect that.  But she doesn't make lists anymore.  Or rather, hasn't in a long time.  But when she made them and did the things I mentioned above, she wasn't that bad yet.  Because she literally dug around in the garbage bag to pull out that scrubbie.  She knew it was in there.  Or maybe she was looking for something else and found it?  I don't know.  But she is the only person in my house who would do that.  Because a) my husband and I do the dishes, not the kids, so why would we do that?  Since we're the ones who threw it away in the first place?  That makes no sense.  And b) Why would a human being pull a scrubbie out of the garbage to wash the dishes with?  If not for punishment?  What other reason would a person do that?  It was pushed to the bottom of the bag.  Let me repeat that for you: it was in the BOTTOM of the bag....on purpose, so she didn't take it (she's a garbage picker--but usually only on the top).  So if my husband and I knew the scrubbie was in the garbage, and knew it was at the bottom of the bag so she didn't take it, and it ends up back on the sink after she washed dishes with it, it's safe to say she's the one that took it out.  My kids sure wouldn't do that.  What purpose would they have to do so?  They don't clean LOL  She denies doing it, but she's also a liar.  So you can't believe it when she says pretty much anything.  

So, I don't let her clean.  If she uses a paper towel to wash the counters down or wash out the microwave, sure.  I don't care.  But the scrubbies (and all other cleaning supplies) are in a locked cabinet and when we throw them away, we take them right to the garbage cans outside.  She has zero access to them anymore.  And she hasn't for a long time. 

So when I'd see one of her lists, I would run and clean everything on her list before she even got a chance to try do it.  I could have sat her down and said "These things aren't your items to clean.  Please clean your bathroom and your bedroom, but everything else isn't yours to clean."  But if you've been here for a bit, you'd know that doesn't work with her.  That only makes her want to clean those things more.  I cannot "tell" her to stop anything.  The only thing that works is putting up a sign.  But even then, that doesn't seen to work anymore.  So, I'd just clean everything on her lists and not say a word.  Sometimes she'd complain to me about it.  But she eventually just stopped making lists.  

Was she trying to get me to clean those things, knowing I'd see it?  No.  She's literally obsessed with cleaning.  She never was when I was growing up.  I grew up in filth.  But she had this thing about pretending she was good housekeeper, but instead, she just shoved shit into cabinets, drawers, closets, and entire unused rooms.  And our carpets?  Oh god.  They were filthy.  She never thought once to remove them.  No wonder I have such allergies.  But then something changed in her and she became less of a person and more of a shell and she used cleaning as a way to bide her time.  Could be an anxiety response.  But whatever it was, it was yet another way she used to control and hurt people.  And later, moving in here with her was torture.  She then became obsessive with cleaning.  And rearranging.  And it wasn't even her stuff she loved to rearrange, it was mine.  It was bordering on insanity.  And she used every single thing she cleaned as a way to be mean to us.  Always bitching.  Always complaining.  Always obsessively worrying about what other people were doing.  

Taking away her ability to do these things has actually helped her.  She's not angry anymore.  She's bored, but she's happy.  She's no longer obsessively worrying about everything.  She's just existing in her space with her cats.  She could have always been this way, had she just allowed other people take the wheel.  But my mother used to believe she WAS the wheel and was the only person who could steer it.  But now?  Like I said, she's docile.  And maybe, in some small way, this has helped her heal from years and years and years (a whole lifetime) of trauma.  I know her trauma made her that way.  And now?  She can relax.  

Is she still a narcissist?  Yes.  But a much more peaceful one.  Even if she'd rather have her power back (meaning her power and control over others), she has no idea what is good for her (she really doesn't, she will hurt herself to make a point that "nobody can control her!").  Her pulling back into peacefulness is the best way to heal a lifetime of trauma.  And the best way to heal mine, as well.  Even though I have to do everything for her now, I still feel more peaceful myself, not having to worry about how she's going to treat me or my family from moment to moment.  

She no longer makes as many lists.  And it's really not my favorite pastime, that was a joke.  But it was my way of controlling a situation before it got out of hand.  And before she started pulling scrubbies out of the garbage again to clean my kitchen.  Which is a win in my book.