Have you ever had a narcissist in your life, or witness a narcissist in someone else's life, do a 180 after their life circumstances have changed?  Have you ever thought to yourself "Wow, I never thought this person could change, but here they are, totally wonderful now!"?  And even though it may seem out of the blue at times, it really isn't.  If you look closely enough, you'll see that there actually was a trigger for their turnaround.  Whether it be a death in the family, losing a job, a divorce or a relationship ending, or something else equally as life-changing.  Or, in the case of my own mother, their power being taken away from them.  Take away a narcissist's power, and you take away what makes them tick.  

I've seen this happen a few times in my life, once with my mother's best friend Christmas.  Her sister was a raging narcissist, ever since birth and was horrible to Christmas.  But once their parents both died, her sister did a complete 180 and said "We are all we have left" and stopped mistreating her.  Christmas said "See?  People can change."  I didn't want to burst her bubble so I didn't tell her the truth.  If her sister could go back to who she used to be with her for any reason, she'd drop her like a hot potato and go right back to being a bully to her.  But for some reason, with their parents being gone, she didn't see her as a threat anymore.  Even though she still was a raging narcissist in every single other part of her life (such as taking out credit cards with fake names and fake social security numbers, collecting on her dead "husband's" social security, claiming to be his wife, even though they were never married, wearing wigs and committing petty crimes in various places, etc.), she saw her sister as something she could use for her own benefit, rather than bully her to make herself feel better.  But I never said these things to Christmas, as what good would that to do.  So I let her believe her sister had changed.  But the horrible truth was she hadn't and never would change.  

All because a potato is a potato and can never be anything but a potato.  You can dress it up with cheese or sour cream and chives, cut it into strips, mash it, boil it, bake it, slice it, and call it something different like "French fries".  But it's still a freaking potato.  And can never be anything else.  And that's how narcissists work.  They are who they are from birth to death, and will never be anything different.  

And that's because people with sociopathy, or anti-social personality disorder, are born from other sociopaths, and they develop NPD as an expression of their sociopathy.  You cannot have NPD and not be some level of a sociopath.  You are born that way and cannot get rid of it.  Just like someone with ASD (autism spectrum) cannot get rid of their autism.  It's a part of who they are, just like ASD is a part of who I am.  And I equate those with NPD as being potatoes, as they are filled with nothing but starchy boringness and they all taste the same (we're talking white potatoes here, not sweet).  Some potatoes may be delicious, if prepared properly, but that's how they get us.  We THINK they are more than just a potato, but after sitting in the fridge overnight, you pull out yesterday's baked potato, and it goes right back to tasting like a regular potato again.  And that's how they keep us coming back.  

My own mother has made this 180, as well.  She's a totally different person today than she was less than a year ago.  Hell, she's a totally different person than she was a few months ago.  She's changing to exactly what I want in a mother, which really sucks, because I know it's a lie.  "But can't you just enjoy it, Shay? Enjoy the good times with her?"  This is something my therapist once asked me.  I replied "Enjoying the good times is how I always get hurt.  Getting sucked into her orbit when she's being good and nice is how I always get slapped in the face when she completely reverts back to her old self.  And because it always is so abrupt, it feels like a slap in the face.  I would rather stick a low level of not enjoying her on an even keel, so that way I don't feel the up and downs of her mood swings."  I mean, at the time, I found it kind of crazy he'd even suggest that I find ways to enjoy her good behavior.  Because he knew I had a tendency to get sucked right back in when she was good, and then get slapped out when she was bad.  What bad advice.  But then again, he was full of both good and bad advice.  That's why you have to remember that therapists are humans, too, and some you have to be careful with, as they are also narcissists.  

But today, at this time, she's changing to the point I feel I can relax.   But every time I relax, she will out of the blue revert back to her old behavior, which slaps me in the face, and I have to start over again.  So, I don't let up on her.  I keep doing what I've always done, even though she's stopped doing so much of her past negative behaviors.  For one, she's stopped complaining to Christmas about me (and now she only brags about me instead, which confuses Christmas, as she's only ever heard my mother talk shit about me).  She's stopped having fits when I don't let her do the things she wants to do (like go to the grocery store--as she refuses to not touch her face at the store or wash her hands when she comes home, or piles too much sugar into her cart even though she has diabetes and has a freak out when I tell her no, or takes her mask off to talk to strangers really close to their face, etc.).  She's stopped throwing huge fits and threatening me when I don't give her access to the amount of money she wants (last year, around this time, she started asking me for $200-$300 for birthday shopping, even though most of that wasn't even for birthdays, but for her to go buy random items she didn't need, like her obsession with household cleaners and whatnot, and this went on for every single birthday last year).  Instead, she now buys $20 worth of scratch lottery tickets for birthdays (plus $20 worth for herself).  She's stopped bitching.  About everything.  My mother is someone who lives and breathes bitching.  If she's not bitching, she's not awake.  I bet she even used to dream about bitching.  But she's completely stopped.  Part of it may be due to her declining brain cognition, due to her dementia, but it also has to do with the fact I've made it impossible for her to bitch and get away with it.  Before, I'd just let it slide.  But I started creating situations in which she'd get in trouble for it or shamed for it, and she doesn't like that at all.  She even started telling me "I can't do that because I'll be bitched out for it."  And I'd reply "Me asking you stop doing something isn't me bitching you out.  It's me asking.  There is a huge difference, mom."  To her, me constantly pointing out and reminding her to stop doing something negative was me shaming her for doing that thing.  She wanted to live her life completely free of anything saying anything to her ever about anything she ever did wrong.  She just wanted to do bad things and be allowed to.  I mean, she lived so much of her life that way.  So when I refused to back down and pointed out her negative behavior every single time she did it?  That shamed her.  So she saw it as me doing something wrong.  Funny, right?  When she was the one actually doing something wrong.  But it worked.  And now she doesn't do most of those things anymore.  

It's like the time many years ago she used to call me 20-30 times in a row and hang up and call back, over and over again.  No reason she was really doing it.  She just got it into her head one day that this was appropriate to call me like that, because remember, we are all nothing more than objects to these people.  So if I wasn't available to her RIGHT IN THE EXACT MOMENT she wanted me to be (because she was so used to instant gratification), she'd call until I picked up.  That way she didn't have to wait.  Because my mother HATES waiting for anything, ever (going with her to restaurants was the worst, because she could never wait patiently for the food to come).  But by calling me over and over again, she didn't have to wait.  Remember, this was my cell phone she was calling.  It was always on me.  And she'd call me so much, that I would ignore her calls most days.  So I got on my voicemail and recorded an outgoing message: "Sorry I am not available to pick up the phone.  If this is my mother, please stop calling me 20 times in a row, and instead, leave me ONE message with what exactly it is that you want, and I will call you back later."  She called me again and said "Wow, I must have pissed you off."  She wasn't wrong, she did piss me off, because only crazy people did the things she did, but leaving that message on my voicemail stopped her from calling me like that ever again.  All she needs is someone to bring her behavior to light and it so deeply shames her that she gets offended and stops doing whatever it is.  It doesn't always work the first time, and I may have to ask her 100 times to stop, but eventually, it does work, as long as I don't let up.  Though it especially works if I point out her behavior to someone outside of our home in front of her (like her physical therapist).

She's also stopped taking my things and constantly rearranging them.  And the biggest thing?  Is that she's almost stopped having bad moods completely.  Sometimes she experiences them, but that's normal (though her bad moods are pretty mean).  But mostly, she's in a very quiet and calm.  Sometimes she gets super hyper, but thank goodness those days are few and far between.  These days, she spends most of her time just playing computer games and watching shows on her computer.  She's docile.  

But has he truly changed?  

The short answer is no.  Absolutely not.  If she had access to something or someone who gives her power?  She'd go right back again.  She is a product of her environment.  Just like Christmas's sister.  Take away a narcissist's power, and they may become "nice".  Because they have to.  The only other option is complete and total abandonment of everyone around them.  For Christmas's sister, it was losing their parents.  She couldn't get mommy and daddy to choose her over Christmas anymore, so she decided to remove Christmas from her list of scapegoats.  She had no family left.  And my mother?  She has no family that will do anything for her, other than me.  She also has no friends, other than Christmas anymore, as they've all passed away.  My mother's posse has disbanded, so she has nobody to rotate scapegoats with anymore.  Also, I have taken away any power she'd have over me, so she has nothing left.  So now?  She's nice to me.  But if I gave her some power back...she'd go right back to treating me like garbage again.  

The ONLY time I can say that narcissism might get better?  Is if their dementia gets a lot worse.  My grandma did this.  She lost all her steam once her Alzheimer's went far enough.  

Not all people with dementia get better, though.  Most get worse.  We were lucky that my grandmother seemed to do the opposite.  But my husband's mother?  Her mask has fallen and now she doesn't care who sees her true narcissist self.  It's sad.  And, if I'm being honest, a little frightening, as her blatant mistreatment of my husband is effecting him, even if he doesn't admit it yet.  My mother, on the other hand, isn't bad enough with her dementia yet.  She still has many of her wits about her and still would revert right back to mistreating me if given the option.  

Usually, what looks like change, is just the narcissist doing what they need to do in order to get what they want from you.  

And remember, friends,  a potato is always potato, no matter how you dress it up or season it.  It may look wonderful, but on the inside, it's still the same thing it was before.  And it always will be.