Well...uh...I am not sure what to write here.  My life with my mother, while still I am extremely careful to protect my boundaries to keep the dynamic the way it's supposed to be between us, is pretty much docile and boring anymore.  She's not combative.  She's not doing much other than throwing away our shower items without asking.  And that's pretty much it, for now.  I hope it stays that way (and I hope she stops throwing away our things).  

But now I have a worsening issue.  If you've read my posts, you'd know that my son was diagnosed with BPD semi-recently.  And things aren't...great.

They are so bad, in fact, that we're looking into finding him a group care home for him to move into.  My therapist used to work at one and she suggested it to me and I am going to call them soon.  Last week, I thought my son was going to hit me and if he had, I would have called 911 on him and pressed charges.  If you knew me, you'd know that I didn't come to that choice lightly, as I am not the type of mother who would willingly want my child to be arrested.  BUT...I made that mistake with my mother.  And she only quit doing physical things to me because I threatened arrest on her.  But my son?  He's not like her.  He's dysregulated and would not stop even under threat of arrest.  Which actually scares me.  

My therapist made a good point: he can't get better in your home, and you can heal with him there.  The only way you two can build a relationship where you can trust him and enjoy him as your son, is if he doesn't live there.  

I am the type of mom who's willing to let my kids live with me forever.  But, things have changed.  His abuse of me is so bad that I can finally call it abuse.  Before?  It was just him being dysregulated.  But my nervous system is shot and my mental health is getting worse and my self-esteem has taken a nos-dive.  And it's all from him.  My mom finally got better and gave me so me peace, only to have him fill that vacuum with his own chaos.  Well, he's always been chaos.  Even since childhood.  He's been abusive since around age 13.  But he's not a narcissist.  His father has both NPD and BPD, but my not my son.  I KNOW what a narcissist looks like.  And even though when he's at his worst, he acts like one, the rest of the time he's a good person.  Though his dysregulation and depression is causing him to have delusions and his "good times" are far and few between anymore.  I personally think it's his Adderall causing a lot of it, but he won't listen to me.  So, that means he'll have to move.  

Not soon, unfortunately.  I wish it could be soon.  I feel like I am living every single day in severe fight or flight and I keep getting these internal tremors because of it (and that's a horrible feeling).  Last week he almost hit me and then three days later he supported his behavior instead of apologize.  I can't do this anymore.  He wanted to hit me because he was under a delusion that I had lost his pants...mind you, he has LOTS of pants he can wear, but these specific pants, he couldn't find so it was all my fault.  I calmly told him I didn't lose them and he just kept escalating and calling me names and pushing it farther and farther until he starting hitting himself in the face SO HARD I thought he was going to damage his face.  I freaked out and he came after me saying he was going to hit me and came so close to me and I braced for it.  He didn't hit me, but he made me feel like he was going to.  Today, completely oblivious to how this sounded, he said about a criminal that was just arrested "It doesn't matter if he intended on hurting anyone, just threatening to do it should be enough to have charges pressed on you for it."  Even though a few days prior he kept on saying that  I was being stupid because he was never going to hit me.  

My mother does the same thing.  Says things she disagrees with that apply to her yet she's totally oblivious to the fact she's being a hypocrite.

I just wanted to giggle at him.  But I know that would set him off so I said nothing and held in my feelings.  Which isn't healthy.  

Sigh.  

He's applied for SSDI and we're waiting on a court date.  I hope it comes soon so we can get things moving forward.  He cannot go into the group home until he has his SSDI.  And sometimes that can take years.  I really hope it's fast in his case.  And that he's approved.  He's never been able to hold down a job (which is fine...he's tried very hard to do so) and I don't think he'll ever be able to.  He thinks, for some reason, that one day he'd love to be a therapist...and he'd somehow be good at it.  He can't even see that he's controlling and becomes violent when you tell him no or when you stand up to his bullying behavior, how would be able to help others?  I know, it's a delusion and I know everything he dreams up isn't reality.  I just wish he was kind.  I don't even need him to be normal...hell, I am not normal.  Just kind.  He could go sooooo far in life with his kindness.  But having his issues where he can't work PLUS his violence?  I fear where his future will take him.  I want him to get off Adderall so we can see if that helps his anger.  But even if it does, he's still controlling and can't listen to "no".  And I would still like him to move into the home.  

Because take yesterday, for example.  Everything was fine.  We (my two sons and I) were joking around and laughing and then out of nowhere, I "wasn't understanding" what my kids were referring to.  In my eyes, that didn't matter, as what I was talking about was important and applied to the situation, and even if it wasn't exactly what they were talking about, it still mattered.  BUT my oldest starting getting pissed and annoyed with me and started raising his voice and in his special way, insulting me.  Just out of the blue, no reason at all, annoyed for really no reason.  It's like he goes from 0-60 in .02 seconds.  It's like getting slapped in the face.  There are times I can let him be a jerk and I just shut up.  And then there are times, like yesterday, in which I am still seething in anger from the week before under the surface (even though he apologized...though that's not enough anymore) where I calmly let him know that his reaction DOES NOT fit the situation.  I did at one point say "Considering what happened last week, I'd like to think you'd be super careful about how you talk to me and still be apologetic and watch how you act."  I can't remember my exact wording, but that was the gist of what I meant.  His reply?  "I'd like to think after what happened last week YOU'D be more careful."  I scrunched up my face in confusion and said "Well, that doesn't make any sense, I didn't do anything wrong."  I then removed myself from the situation, as I always do anymore, lock myself in a bathroom and wait until he leaves.  

That's what I mean.  My son has ZERO actual remorse for his behavior and ZERO accountability when he does bad things to me.  He feels horrible guilt when he does things to his brother.  But see, his brother holds him accountable AND he gets more angry at him and doesn't take his shit the way I do.  It makes me feel that my oldest doesn't see me as a human being.  I am an extension of him.  He can do whatever he likes to me and always has, and nothing matters.  He doesn't care that he's eroding away my self-esteem.  He doesn't care that he gives me CPTSD.  He doesn't care that he bullies and abuses me.  He doesn't care about any of it.  He can wear me down like a piece of sandpaper and still expect me to do his bidding.  And if I don't?  There will be hell to pay.  

So, like with my mother, where I implemented the GOTH Initiative (grandma of the house), I am implementing The PSS Initiative with my son.  Which stands for "Project Self Sufficiency".  My son can't do anything for himself (he's 28).  He used to, but since his major depression a year ago (where he abused me so badly I was going to have to remove him from our home....it was horrible and he treated me lower than garbage and still won't take responsibility for that) he's completely stopped.  And little by little, I've allowed WAY too much to go on, coddling the shit out of him.  

I am starting small, but even the small things are usually a big blowout with him.  But so far, so good.  A few things I've done: 

• Changed the passcodes on my phone and computer (he uses my things as though they're his and has a right to look through whatever he wants...when he's normal, it's just to look something up, but when he's dysregulated, he checks my phone calls and text messages to my husband, etc.)
• Locked my bedroom door on a regular basis (he just barges in all the time without knocking--my youngest locks his door all the time which is 100% for his brother)
• Put a lock on my closet so he stops taking things that don't belong to him (like my husband's underwear when he's out, my husband's clothes when he's out, our drinking water for his nefarious purposes, my facial moisturizer with sunscreen when he's out of his own, etc.)
• I do not serve dinner anymore.  I make dinner.  I plate dinner (so he doesn't take more than his share, which he always will and other people will get less).  But I do not serve anyone, which is something he 100% expected me to do before.  But now, I tell my youngest to come get his food (we do not eat at a table together, we are with each other 24/7--though my youngest is getting a full-time job soon! I am so proud of him!) and then I have my son tell my other son his food is out here.  That way he can't ask "Mom, can you bring it to me? I don't feel good!" or whatever his daily excuse is  Ever since last week when this all happened, I haven't served him once.  And he hasn't said a word about it.